addendum

Well, approximately 3.5 hours from writing that previous, upbeat post- I came down with the stomach virus from hell. Comical, really. So, a trip to the E.R. and 18 hours of sleep or so later- I am on the mend. Josh also, almost in complete sync with my illness got a severe sinus infection- so we were fit to be tied. Thankfully we have kind aunts and parents who once AGAIN helped us through our drama! 

So, here's to 2009. Less drama, please.

two weeks in

Two weeks in.  All I can say is- oh my goodness. It's been a wild ride, intense, and lovely. And I am so.so. tired. All my family left yesterday and today, so needless to say I have been riding the hormonal roller coaster like a champ.  I was crying a few days before just anticipating their leaving. dreading the tears. I don't know what there is to dread. Perhaps the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the distance. On the other hand, I am excited about being a family with Josh and Annie, and look forward to the coming days...

I am slowly coming out of the 10 month fog of pregnancy. My old interests have creeped back in. There are movies I want to see, books I want to read. Creative juices seem to be flowing again. Food tastes amazing. I am back in my old jeans (there are benefits to having to pump 8-10 times a day!)..sorry if that was too much information. I know I won't get to see all those movies, or read all those books, or create all the things I want to create, but I am thankful for at least feeling like I WANT to- it feels like I am in the land of the living again.

Well, it's time to feed little Annie, and then Josh and I praying the wee one sleeps a bit, because well, we are tired:)

merry christmas and fa ra ra ra ra

Merry Christmas everyone. It was a quiet day around here for us. The family (extended) gets here one by one over the next few days, so our celebrating is being delayed a few days, which is kind of nice, as we are still in the early days of stupor, sleep deprivation, nervousness, totally awestruck, feeding craziness, tears, laughing, more tears, more laughing. Our days are so strange, we lost track of time yesterday and never made it to the grocery store before it's early closing. We managed to come up with a good breakfast and then for Christmas lunch, all we managed to find was a Chinese Buffet. I was a bit timid with the little one,  so we hid in the corner, and we had some good laughs with Mom and Jim as we munched on our sweet and sour chicken and Lo mein. Any other day I would have been a bit grossed out, but you had to laugh. Our own little Christmas Story  moment. All we needed was a sexy lamp and bee bee gun and we would have been set:) It's a good story, and one we'll remember for a long time.

The good food starts tomorrow. It will be a bit noisier here, but I look forward to being around all of my family these next few days. I would not have made it this year without all of their support and excitement to meet their little Annie. I still can't process all that has happened this past week and a half. Sometimes it hits me, and the tears fall quickly, as I think how different things could have turned out. I am so deeply thankful that God spared us in those tender, fragile moments of Annie's birth. 

I can already see how fast the time will go. I have had to really tell myself to stay in the moment. I find my mind wandering to the future and I wonder why it's so difficult for us to be present. I guess our hearts are always restless for something- may it find it's rest in God- who is both mysterious and sure- no matter the circumstance.

this could get annoying:)

Looks like Annie will be home by Tuesday. I really hope so. She has to have a sleep study done tomorrow night, and if all goes well, she will be free to come home with us. We don't anticipate any problems, this is a fairly routine study for all NICU babies. Annie graduated to big girl feedings today- She loved every bit of it. She is doing really great, and we are just so glad that she has recovered from her rough start. She really is the cutest thing I have ever seen. She looks more and more like Josh every day, and her cheeks are amazing. 

4 days old

thanks

for all the well wishes. We were so happy to have some time with Annie today. We just loved on her and Josh sang songs to her. It was really nice. It breaks my heart to leave her at night. I just feel like we should be there- but we all need our rest right now.

We got a little more info on Annie today and what all happened. Turns out she was more or less in shock (the medical state) when born. So they are going to watch her for at least 3-4 more days, perhaps a few more. She'll actually be here most likely through the weekend. She really is doing well, I think the neonatalogist just wants to make sure all her systems recover well, that she starts feeding ok, etc...They also want to make sure she stays infection free- so she is on 6 days of antibiotics, which will add to her long stay. It's not ideal, but I feel much more comfortable with her staying and having the support she needs (and me:)...

The c-section pain hit me tonite, but its manageable. I am still elated at how good I feel otherwise- no nausea for the first time in 9 months!

Anyway- thanks again for all the comments. We love little Annie (or should I say little Josh- she looks so much like him!)

Look at the pretty baby, and not me:)

I'll write more later, but this is Annie Ruth Jared. Born Dec. 16, 2008. She weighed 8 lbs, 20 inches and some change. 

We went in to the hospital Monday night to be induced after a long day of contractions. However, we arrived to see that I was already in labor and dilated to 3. I had an epidural by midnight and was feeling good...

Things started going down hill around 6 yesterday morning. I was dilated around 6 or 7, and received a boost for my epidural and the dr. broke my water. It became apparent very quickly that the epidural was no longer working, so another was put in while I was dilated to 8. I was feeling full on transition labor, so this was ummm....not in my birth plan:)

The next epidural worked, but there was still some "problem areas", shall we say, which made things pretty much miserable.

I was at 10 cm by 11 or so, and so we started pushing- after an hour and a half- I was literally falling asleep between pushes- which were pretty unbearable due to the lack of epidural working. My Dr. made the call to do a c-section.

In order to this, however, the anesthesiologist had to put in a spinal block, with me sitting up, with a baby wanting to come out:) He performed some kind of miracle in those moments, because I was screaming bloody murder.

The bad news is that it worked too well, numbed me way to high, and I could no longer breathe or talk- so he had to put me under, intubate me, etc....

The baby was difficult to deliver- even via c-section and heavily sedated from all the drugs I had been on, trying to get the epidural right. They (I was told) intubated her rather quickly and sent her to NICU fairly quickly. I was assured that she pinked up nicely even in the operating room, but for obvious reasons needed to get her seen about, stabalized, etc...

So, all in all a traumatic day for us- It will be awhile before either one of comes to grips with just how difficult it was, how scary. I was able to hold and see Annie last nite due to the kindness of a very lovely nurse. Because of all my complications, they really did not want me "traveling", to see the baby- but I was adamant that I needed to see my child!!! I was feeling so disconnected. Anyway- it was a beautiful moment. I was able to hold her, and she accidently pulled her breathing tube out- but it was fine, as she was ready to be taken on the ventilator anyway. She let out a few wimpers and girly cries, and then settled into my arms as calm as can be. It was a short visit, and I was so sad to leave her, but it made Josh and I both feel so good to see and be with her.

Hopefully today will be her last in the NICU- and I'l get to feed her, and get more acquainted with her and all that stuff.

There are a few photos above. She has lots of dark and hair and good solid cheeks:)

Pray we all recover fast...I am feeling really good. A little sore, but compared to the labor, this feels like a walk in the park, so I am thankful. 

much love-

brooke

no news yet..

Well, all of our walking made me tired and that's about it:) We went in last night, just because it's a mile from our house, and I knew they would be able to shed some reality on the progress- as I was so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sooo, they checked things out, still at 1cm, and my contractions had more or less vanished. So, they still think I am in early labor- but thankfully sent me home with a sleeping pill- and I slept something like 8 hours which makes me feel like I can do this another day. Soooo, more walking today I suspect. I feel like I have been in this phase of labor for a least 2 days, so I am hoping with a little motivation, we help things along.

thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I am both terrified and so very ready to meet our little munchkin. It was also nice to hear my nurse last night rave about my dr. She says she has seem him do some amazing deliveries- an that she loves watching him practice. Always comforting.

Well, it's early and I am still tired, but the walking shoes will be on by mid morning....

get a good look....

I know these photos are silly, but I took them on my computer right before I went to my dr's appt this morning- thinking, I really should document my last week of pregnancy- hopefully my last day!


The dr. said I was in labor- nice and effaced and dilated- and sent me walking until the contractions get closer together- then we are to head on in. I don't really know how I am going to time them because it just feels constant at this point, but I figure I'll hang in there for awhile, go on a walk, and hopefully get this show on the road. We'll update when it's all said and done. Pray for a safe, fast, painless (hee hee) delivery. one can dream.

still pregnant:)

I SO wish I had some news to share! Today I actually got out of my pajamas (yay!), and bought 2 whole Christmas presents! I also cleaned the kitchen and mopped the bathroom and put up several loads of laundry. That's nesting, right? One can hope...

I finished the book "Home" today by Marilynne Robinson (author of Gilead and Housekeeping). I wasn't totally taken with it- however, it's one of the first times I have read a book where I felt like it was mimicking  my own emotions- I have been struggling with the mundane since I have been home from work- and not knowing many folks here- so the days seem long and I have found myself a bit stir crazy and bored. This book has echos of that- long days and trying to figure out what home means...So, in some odd way I think I will always remember reading that book before having Annie- finding some kindred spirit in a bored soul of a character.

I have a feeling this is just the beginning of a major identity crisis:) That's ok, I am anticipating it, have felt it coming on, and hopefully will be better for it when its all said and done...Who knew I put so much confidence in my work and productivity. I don't think that that is a bad thing all together- it's just the doubt that creeps in when I even entertain being mostly at home with Annie. Like, I am not earning my keep. Like my brain cells will be start seeping out at a rapid pace and soon all I will be able to talk about are things that relate to baby poop or something of the like. I fear I'll lose my edge:) because, I am SO edgy! 

See what all this time does- it makes you crazy:)

no news

In case anyone had their hopes up from my post yesterday:)

At any rate, I am officially "stove up", as my grandmother would say. funny. I guess everybody feels this way at the end, but I feel like I am going crazy! 

We'll keep you updated....

Is it....

possible just to have one never ending contraction? That's how I have felt all day long. We just had our nightly walk, and I mostly moaned the whole time:) Maybe this is the start of something....Gosh, I hope so. Another week of morning television might just kill me:) I did read most of the day- I am half way through "Home"- same author of Gilead and Housekeeping. So far, I find it pretty boring- and it's ironic because the characters are basically struggling with boredom, as am I....so in a weird way, reading the book seems oddly appropriate. Go figure. I'll let you know how it ends up.

Here's to the weekend. 

The nightly walk

Well, we've initiated the nightly walk here in Tulsa.  The walk to clear our heads. The walk to please our dog. The walk that is ever so uncomfortable for me, but with hopes that it will get things moving and bring Annie on her way. It's cold, but it's fun to get bundled up, scarf and coat, and breathe it all in.

There is this undercurrent to it as well, this thing underneath all the anticipation, that everything is about to be so different. The emotion of it all really overwhelms me. We walk, me and Josh and the Welsie- and it's quiet. and even a little sad. but in a good way. sad because you love someone and knowing a season of your love is changing. 

well, I better stop, before the tears really start falling. Josh is cooking tonight, and it smells real good. I better go eat...

38 weeks (almost)

Here's to two more weeks. PLEASE.

thankful

One thing I have not been so great at in the last months is gratitude. I have been fairly self consumed, ever so needy, and tired- on all fronts. This is has been a hard season. I can hear the laughs- all the way from Tulsa. The laughs- saying, Brooke, you have no idea.

And perhaps I don't. Just like I don't really understand how much I will love Annie. That's grace, I think- that we can't wrap our minds around how difficult something would be, or how beautiful something might be until we are right smack dab in the middle of it.

If I had known before we ever wanted a family, that it would take almost three years, and then my pregnancy would totally wipe me out to boot. I would never have made it. But I did, we did- because of grace- and though I would not have chosen this path- it was the path we were lead on, and it, like all journeys, has changed me- in ways, I certainly cannot articulate yet.

So, though this will be a quiet Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the quiet to remember what led us here.

I am thankful that after what seems like forever, we are going to be holding a little girl in our arms very soon. I am thankful for the softness this has brought to my heart already, the tears that flow so much easier than they have in years. I am thankful for the friends who traveled to see me, for family who have done the same. I am thankful for the job I had here waiting for me-even though it challenged me. I am thankful that the hard work is letting me be home right now, and resting, and waiting. I am thankful for Annie's kicks and thugs- her ability to always let me know she is HERE with us. I am thankful for Josh- who has had to carry such a heavy load. For his cooking and cleaning and tireless love. 

So, yes- I am thankful. Those words are not always easy, and sometimes hard to find- but they are there, and I feel them beneath all the struggle.

Happy Thanksgiving.

quiet spell

Sorry I haven't written very much lately. I kind of feel like a broken record these days:) I feel like things are gearing up for this baby. I don't know if it's intuition or wishful thinking-- The bionic nose from my first trimester has returned. I smell the weirdest things and am turned off very easily. Two weeks ago, I ate three barbeque sandwiches in a week. You could not make me eat one right now. All I want are those first trimester comfort foods. Warm, soft, bland. 

I am still feeling pretty mediocre- but nothing like the drama we had a couple of weeks ago. My ankles seem to have returned to a semi-normal state, so I can at least wear shoes again:) 

Other than that- it's COLD here. Josh is off for Thanksgiving break, so I have someone to help me pass the time. We might actually leave the house today! how exciting....

yall have a good weekend....

good hours and bad hours

I was weepy most of the day yesterday. I am just so tired of feeling bad- I feel like I have little strength to actually HAVE this baby, which is really difficult. I thought I had turned a corner the other day, and I suppose I turned a small one- but I am still feeling mostly bad, praying for relief, praying my doctor will have mercy on me and let me have this baby a little earlier (as is safe). I did not want it to be this way.

So, if you pray- pray that I will be able to eat a little bit more. My appetite is really poor this week- ever since the hospital drama, and I know the baby needs some food. I am just having a hard time eating anything at all- true appetite suppression.

Also pray that I can come off these pain meds. I am down to 3 or 4/ per 24 hours- which is better than 10-16, which I did for a couple of days. But, they make you feel comfortable and ill all at the same time- plus, they just can't be good for little Annie, so that worries me the most.

My mom is here until tomorrow, which has been so great. I really don't know how we would have made it.

Sooo, pray for a Thanksgiving baby. I am.

waking up...

I am slowly coming out of my drug coma. Man, this was a bad week. 

Mom has been great- she stocked us up on soup and is helping me get things ready for Annie. She force fed me ginger ale all day, and I finally got some soup down last night. Me and Annie are going to have to go through detox when this is all said and done:)

I do feel like perhaps I did have a kidney infection, and all the drugs have finally done their work. I still hurt, but it's more pregnancy soreness and not stabbing pain kind of stuff. All the nurses said I was "presenting" like someone with a kidney stone or infection. It certainly felt that way to me as well- anyway. tis a mystery.

I was given so much fluid in the hospital, that I officially have "cankles". I had been so proud of my lack of swelling- but so much for that.

Well, here's to the weekend and to hopefully feeling better.  Thanks again for all the support.

let's see if I can get a coherent sentence down

I have tried to write this several times today, but I have had more pain medicine in the past two days than I have ever had in my life- which has been both comical and exhausting. mostly exhausting.

So, here is the brief update- I'll get through as much as I can until the words start to get all jumbled up:)

Sooo.....I woke up Sunday night with a catch in my back, except that it felt a lot "deeper". I heated my little rice sock and went back to sleep, and that was that. Monday,  I rested most of the day, no big deal really, just took it easy. Monday night was another bad night. Lots of restlessness, back was hurting. By the morning, I was extremely agitated, couldn't get comfortable. I took some Tyenol and was able to rest. I had dr.'s appt that morning, so I was just trying to make until then.

By the time I went the dr. I was fairly miserable. He seemed concerned, thought it might be a kidney infection or labor. He checked things out- couldn't rule out labor, asked me to come back later in the afternoon.

I came back at 2 that afternoon pretty much in tears. He sent us to the hospital to be triaged  in Labor and Delivery. We showed up, they hooked me to the monitor, and we waited.... I was having some irregular contractions, but nothing significant. They also ran a few other tests to rule out the kidney infection- which was miserable, I'll just say that:) Everything came back clear, so he sent me home with some Demerol. 

I got got home, took 1, and it did nothing. The pain just got worst- so we called the dr.,  went back. This time they gave me Stadol- which is a common labor/pain drug. It knocked me out while they monitored things for the next few hours. By 3 am, things had calmed down, and we made it home.

Ah....at 5 am the pain got even worst!  So, yes, we went, AGAIN to labor and delivery, this time crying my eyes out as I  greeted the now all too familiar nurses. They immediately sent me to ultrasound. The ultrasound showed what looked like a kidney infection (though all my lab tests were fine), so the dr. had me admitted, started me on antibiotics and IV fluids. The day went fairly well, and then the pain kicked in again last night, I was having a  run of regular contractions, and so the dr. came in to check me again. He was pretty frustrated at this point- not with me, just with the situation- so he sent us BACK to labor and delivery (we had been put in a regular room at this point), where they gave me drugs all night. 

I never progressed, so this morning they gave me drugs to stop the little contractions I was having, some more pain meds, and told me to sleep, so I did....

Later, I went for another ultrasound to check the baby head to toe. She was cute and all her parts looked great. She is fine.

Sooo, after another long day of tests and drugs, the dr. sent us home tonite, pain meds galore, and basically told us to wait it out at home. Worst case scenario is that I have to "manage" the pain until we are couple of weeks down the road when he feels more comfortable inducing. He is okay with me going into labor on my own if that should happen as well. I see him again on Tuesday....

I know that was long, but this is the easiest way to give the update. The drugs are helping- at the very least to sleep, which is nice. 

Josh is exhausted, and I think a little overwhelmed by all he had to observe in the past 48 hours. My mom is flying in tonight, so hopefully Josh can get some rest and get some work done this weekend. He is emotionally and physically spent, so pray for him- if you think of it.

I honestly am thankful to be home. I was really sad to think about having Annie after such a traumatic couple of days. It just didn't feel right, peaceful, etc... I know we can't always control these things- but I am thankful to be able to rest here, in my home, and hopefully be in a better frame of mind the next go round:)

Thanks to all who have written and called.  I really appreciate it.

lots of love-

brooke

officially...

on maternity leave- with no baby, yet:) I was planning on taking leave starting in two weeks, but after a weekend of feeling pretty terrible, lots of contractions, and back pain- I waved the white flag today. I don't know why this was a difficult decision for me. I think I wanted to be able to work right up until delivery. I, of course, would have preferred more time on the back end- when Annie is actually here, but this is they way the cards have fallen, and I for one am happy to be home today. 

So, it's rainy here today, and I plan on a good solid rest, if my back will permit me one.  I would really like to get into a good book, so yall have been great before- PLEASE leave some suggestions. pretty please.

thank you

carrie, les, and jacks.....

for taking a weekend to come to Tulsa to spend time with me. I loved every second of it and wish the time had not flown by so fast. I loved listening to your stories, where those stories are leading you, and I feel so happy to be a part of them. 

LOVE YOU!!!

will somebody

make me these ? I don't really have a huge appetite ( I am really looking forward to WANTING to eat again), but man these look GOOD. I will be making these this holiday season...

stories

Sorry the blogging is rather boring these days.  I have definitely hit the home stretch of this pregnancy, totally wiped out, and ready to be able to turn over in bed with out causing a minor earthquake:) I must say, though, that I have an amazing husband- that josh. He cooks, cleans, and keeps me sane. He really is keeping things afloat here. He was telling me the other day- "remember that first year in Birmingham- remember how you did everything? You really kept us from sinking."- I was like, really? I don't even remember it feeling like that.  I guess marriage is like that- letting the other one rise to the occasion when you are seemingly sinking. I am glad Josh feels like I did that for him- because he is definitely doing that for me. He's been strong and brave and selfless. me=lucky.

With that said, we have had a really nice weekend here. We totally scrooged out on Friday, turned the lights off and watched a movie while the little kiddos ran PAST our house. We had candy and all, but we were tired, and felt like being lazy, and it was nice.

Yesterday, I had energy out of the blue, so we went for a nice walk, ran and got a smoothie, dropped in on the cousins- and ended up at a little jam session which was really, really fun. It felt good to "unplug", get outside, drink fruit, and listen to music and people who love to play it. Josh even joined in on the singing with some Townes Van Zandt, and I was proud:)

There are glimpses that all will be well, here, at least for the time being. Sometimes (like earlier this week), I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness and what we gave up to come here, that I feel like there just is not a way forward here. But then, we meet people bit by bit, and the faces look less like aliens, and more like friends- and I am reminded that I am always living in the the middle of the story- that it is not over, that even the dramatic sad parts are necessary in any story- usually the most important, even. 

alas, it is the sabbath. may you find some rest today, where ever you are.

weekend

 It's been so beautiful here this week. Clear, brisk days.  It's nice. Such beauty always  has a tinge of longing, too.  Longing, as I sit and let the decisions of this past year marinate. Really wondering where this all takes Josh and I. It feels like we are in the desert. I am on not the first one. I won't be the last. I am reminded of a song by Sarah Groves- I've been painting pictures of Egypt.

 I paint lots of pictures in my head these days- wondering what life will be like on the other side of this desert. Carrying a child really does change everything. Josh jokingly said the other day- we should move to Seattle. Last year, I would have loved that idea. I would have loved the idea of moving anywhere exciting and beautiful. But now- it just feels so different. I want solid ground and, and security, and family near. I want for Annie the things that made me feel safe. I want her to partake in community the way I experienced it as a child, and even more as an adult. I am lucky to have had this. I want the same for her. I firmly believe her life will be more whole if she sees her parents participating in relationships with others, having friends, being a whole person with interests and dreams of our own.

 Perhaps that will happen here- I have to at the very least be open to that, I know. I am also open to getting the heck out of dodge:)

 Today, I am thankful to be sharing a day with Josh's family- which has been the one saving grace of being in this new place. We'll be celebrating Annie's impending arrival with hotdogs and chili- which is my kind of shower. I am thankful for the small graces.

 And in case anyone is counting- 7  more weeks until baby. 4 more weeks of work. 5 weeks until Thanksgiving break (a whole week with Josh!). 2 weeks until les, jacks, and dear carrie come and visit.....Lots to look forward to!

thoughts and meanderings

I have had tons of thoughts soaring in my head today. We went back to the Episcopal church to day, and it was beautiful, a bit lofty, even regal. I was thinking about Jesus and the Last Supper. How it seemed simple, a family meal, but loaded with meaning. I took communion today and it was more regal than I am used to. More of a taste of the glory to come, I guess. I just kept thinking about Jesus, what he would think about it all. I get all swept up the the beauty at this church- but deep down I wonder if anyone knows anybody else. I have tasted the beauty and heartache of community- and I miss it. I have also longed for the beauty of worship, that something that takes me to other side a bit more- the side of reverence and humility, and longing for the reality of redemption.

I was reading a blog today (kristen's)- as she was sharing her experience of living on Southside. Living among the people I did, just a few short months ago. And then something subtle and gracious happened- it wasn't that I was not sad, because I was. I miss where we have left. I miss our life there. But somehow I was able to hear God's voice. Just that inner whatever- that was telling me He was taking care of us, here. That seasons change, and that particular season has passed for us.

And so here we are.

I have 5 more weeks of work- I am taking three weeks off before the due date (cassia suggested this!).  Two of those weekends are booked with family and friends, which I greatly need. And the Holidays arrive, and baby arrives, and our world changes forever.

I still haven't bought a diaper. a car seat. among other things. For whatever reason, those two things feel so REAL. And honestly, most days I just can't wrap my head around Annie being a person. 

signing off...

32 weeks

People have been asking, so here is the 32 week belly.  

And other sweet people have been asking about where we are registered. We have a few things on amazon, babies r us, and  Target. You know me and registries- I find them to be a bit overwhelming.  I didn't register for books- but we love books, too. 

I heard Christmas music today at Kohls.  I don't know why this always strikes me as odd- but it does. We're in such a hurry for the next thing- ahhh. I imagine one day we will have no idea how much our souls needed rest from this three ring circus. 

day off

we have been so busy the past few weeks. I have been taking lots of classes for my job- which last all week.  I have finished up those for the time being which is good.

So today, I have finally found myself a day off!  Of course, there is plenty that needs to be accomplished, but I am enjoying the slow start.

Annie is good. She kicks and turns and does all sorts of gymnastics these days. It's cute for awhile, then a little uncomfortable, then  slightly annoying as I try to get to sleep. She is super active from like 4 in the afternoon until I fall asleep. I can't believe we are creeping up on the end of this pregnancy. I am getting more nervous these days- realizing we still need things. like diapers. and a car seat. All the details kind of overwhelm me at times!  I am hoping that nesting instinct kicks in pretty soon. I need some motivation...

On the church front- we found a beautiful Episcopal Church this weekend. It's the first church we have really connected with on some level. Of course, there are all kinds of theological conundrums we are facing- and the Episcopal church has gone in some directions that we have deep reservations about. And yet, the irony is that this feels like one of the truest places we have found to worship. I don't know how it will all end up, and frankly, I am pretty tired of worrying about who has it right and who doesn't. I don't know how far we can or are willing to compromise- I suppose our time there will only answer that question.

So there you go- a few more boring details! 

goings on...

The past three weeks have been SO busy. I have had lots of nursing classes to attend for my new job- long, boring days. Josh booked our social calendar jammed full last weekend, and throw in a couple of glucose tests, and there you go. a busy three weeks...

I love that it's October, and I feel like I am living for December 12. The baby is so active these days, lots of punches and jabs. I am having all kinds of weird dreams about her arrival. Like, last night, I was in a hospital bed in someone's back yard. 

I had a great photo shoot this week. Look here!

These kids were just adorable, and I am so happy for every client I get these days!

I passed the three hour glucose test. thank goodness.

We hosted our first meal this past week. It was so much fun, and it felt good to have new friends in our home, to laugh, and I even drank a wee bit of wine. don't tell.

We have fun things coming up. Josh's parents up for a visit. Josh has Fall Break- much needed. A baby shower with Josh's family. And then three of my favorite people are dropping by in early November.

My one great sadness is that I will not make it home before the baby. I had wanted to, but being so sick and uncomfortable, and trying to get oriented at work before the baby comes, and so on, and so on....I feel pretty sad about it and miss home.

But, this is how the year is. It's been a difficult one, full of big decisions and moves and saying goodbye and so many unknowns and so much anticipation. 

lala

I have been enjoying this music site- lala.com . You can listen to any album/song one time at no charge, which is nice if you are wanting some new music, but not sure you want to pay for something you are not going to love. You can also buy a "web" song, for like 10 cents, which means you can play it online anytime- which is where almost all my music listening occurs.

Anyway, if you join- for free- right now you get 50 free websongs.  Anyway, if you like music, you'll like lala. I just like saying lala. so there.

Other than that, I have had anxiety ridden day for stupid, first born reasons. Yesterday, the doctor told me I had failed my glucose test, so I have to repeat it tomorrow (three hours!). It's not the three hours that bothers me, it's the no food from tonite to sometime tomorrow around 11:00 am. I'll be so sick by then, it's not even funny. SO, if you are the praying kind, pray, that by some miracle, I will not feel like I am going to die, throw-up, have a nervous breakdown, etc...! Can we say as of tomorrow- 10. more. weeks.

This stupid first-born part of it has to do with trying to get the message to work today that I would not be there tomorrow. I left messages and emails all day with no response- so, I was feeling that impending doom- like the entire operating room would cease to function because of my absence! Anyway, they finally called me back, totally understood, and so that was that. Thankfully, I was able to get outside today on the beautiful day and take photos of three beautiful kids. I am really hoping business keeps picking up, as it makes me happy to be creative and I feel so much more like me. Nursing- that's my first-born job. Photography- that the thing that makes work feel not like work.

Anyone watching the debates tonight? I'll be honest, I am interested in seeing  how Palin does. Those Katie Couric interviews have been brutal to watch. It will be interesting to see how this all turns out....

good nite.

still here.

I am still here- just taking a break from the blog. Trying to read some, get some rest, and just generally trying to hang in there!  Suffice it to say, I will be good and prepared for lack of sleep by December. I used to be one of those 9 to 10 hour a night sleepers- not anymore. I am up on the hour because my bladder is the size of an english pea at this point, I guess- and Annie likes to move ALOT at night, not to mention my back. Can you hear the violins playing???

I know this will all be worth it. That's what keeps me going.

Looking forward to the game this weekend. GO DAWGS. Now, we just have to find a place that is showing the game. No cable for the Jareds. We're SO counter- cultural. ha. ha. Not really, just cheap:)

wheat beer

I had a sip of Josh's wheat beer the other night, and it tasted. so. good. I know this is not a good indication- that I am thinking about beer at 9:30 in the morning:) I am not even a beer person, but man, it was such a nice diversion from the large amounts of tea, and OJ, and coke that I have been drinking this pregnancy. I drink tea because I love tea. OJ, so I can feel like this baby is getting at least one vitamin a day. I drink coke, because it's about the only thing that I can handle when I am feeling nauseous. 

I just think it's funny that I have had few cravings this pregnancy, and now all I want is wheat beer. oh well....

project ugly furniture makeover

well, I have looked at the ugly oak furniture long enough. We have on numerous occasions been tempted to leave this furniture on the street, but seeing that we don't really have money to throw down on lots of furniture, and my conscience telling me that this was decent furniture- it just needed some redemption- I decided, with the prodding of my sister and mother- to paint it. I did the first of three pieces today. I started small, in case I didn't like the color. I LOVE it! I put a photo of one of the remaining pieces so you could see the transformation. I guess you know what I'll be doing all weekend!

And on a side note, while this option is much cheaper than buying new furniture, new hardware does not come cheap- at least the ones I like. That, I am convinced, is a racket. There is no way one little knob should cost 4-6 dollars at lowes.

But, I do love my new little nightstand.

27 weeks

Today is 27 weeks. I think that means I am in my third trimester? wow. Today, I was laying down after work, and annie did some kind of move that made my stomach look very strange- there was some serious kicking in all directions. Sometimes I just wonder what she is up to in there.

I also got my evening schedule worked out today. I'll be working mon/tues evenings. I am SO happy about this. Perfect for me to get away for an extra long weekend to see the family.

Well- Josh and I are hunkering down for a rainy weekend. Looks like Ike will make it here by Saturday. We've been wanting a rainy Saturday for some time- we're looking forward it. 

Have a good one- oh, and here's the latest photo of my growing belly.

day off

This is my first day off this week, so I am enjoying the peace and quiet of home, a window opened, no tv, and a pretty high pile of laundry that needs to be put up. I officially picked up a day of work, which though I don't LOVE my job, it helps to be out of the house, and after a long look at our finances and the fall out of the move, I/we made the decision to make some more money, so we could get ahead of things again instead of merely scraping by. Plus, I keep forgetting that small fact about me not working for at least 2 months- so anyway, that's the state of the jareds right now. Oh, and I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to figure out what evenings I will work once the baby gets here. This was a huge gift, because I will be able to work 3-11, 2 evenings a week. Now, all I will need is a babysitter for 3 hours a week, which still has to be found- but I feel SO much better about this. It feels possible, you know. I had looked at a daycare last week, in case the possibility arose that I would not be able to get an evening position. I really liked the daycare (as much as you can)- but it was loud, and all the babies were crying- and it just made me sad. Not to mention it was almost 500.00 for two days a week. So, we regrouped, and the plan seems to be coming together- bit by bit.

We still haven't found a church, and it doesn't look all that promising. The demographic of Tulsa is quite a bit different than we anticipated. We have mostly lived in "young" towns- and I guess what I mean is we have lived in towns with big universities, big teaching hospitals, with lots of energy and people in and out, always someone new to know. Most of my friends in STL and Birmingham were not from Birmingham. Here, it feels so different. We go to church, and we just feel so odd- and we really have not met people our age at all. We met a few young couples last weekend at a church we visited, but that's been it-

So, we don't know what will happen. We have no idea why we were led here. This was and is proving to be a great opportunity for Josh- this is for sure. But we sold a house we loved, and lost all the money we had put in it. We left friends and a community that were so important to us- only to be led into the wilderness (this is how I feel, at least).

I suppose I have reached that stage where I want to start thinking in 10 year increments, not 3-5. Moving and new cities always excited me- but now I want my church, my community, access to my family. I don't want the constant change- I want stability. Josh and I always talk about what you build your life around. Your career? Your community? A city? Do you take the lesser job, for the better "life"? Is that possible? I don't know.

What I do know is that we will not make it here without a church to plant ourselves in. It doesn't help that Josh and I are working through our own, individual church journeys. I have had two fairly raw, open church experiences- and I have grown to love that, feel safe in it. These were not perfect places and I had lots to gripe about when I was in the middle of them, but I have been a part of two churches who really made an effort to love those on all sides of the fence, to focus on Jesus and grace, and living life for the sake of the kingdom. I see now, that that was no small thing. I really feel deep sadness for the harsh words I said and felt, especially at my last church, because it really was a beautiful place. This past Sunday, the pastor of the church we visited mentioned Sarah Palin at least 5 times in his sermon. I like Sarah Palin- I am not comfortable assuming everyone else does in a worship service. I do not think the Republican party is God's team. Nor the democrats. This is the kind of thing that I just can't handle anymore. I just can't deal with the mentality that we have the brand of Christianity that is right. I had no less than three people ask me upon greeting how did I know about the PCA? really? that's the most important question? It's like a test question. One I do not like. And to be fair- I have had that question asked at the Lutheran church,too- not as many times, but I know people are just trying to find a connecting point. I know that. But again, I have been at two churches where that question just wasn't asked. It just didn't matter that much- because it had very little to do with worship and jesus.

I guess it's the kind of people these churches have afforded me to meet, too- that just makes finding a new place so hard. I think about them as I visit places. I think, would I meet "so and so here"- doubtful.

And before anyone gets too mad- let me DECLARE- all of the people people we have met, have been nothing but kind. It's just that I cannot leave my experiences and longings out of the equation, and I am just trying to figure it all out. Believe me, I would be the happiest girl in the world if I had to apologize for every doubtful word I have written here- I expect in some real way that one day I will- because so far- God has been faithful to us, even in pain.

**** After letting this post settle for a bit, I feel like I got a little carried away with my words.  The irony of brokeness, I guess- that in my longing for a place we can call home, my expectations get the better of me- and I start demanding something, which is exactly what I don't want done to me.  I do feel passionate about the things I spoke of, and it matters a great deal to me, but I just wanted to communicate, that I know that me being merciful, and patient, and gracious is just as important- if not more.  

dreamy morning

I woke up way too early this morning, mostly due to being worn out from trying to get comfortable, so I threw in the towel and got up. in the dark. It was early.

Half in a coma, I got Welsie her food, opened to door, and with a little tear in my eye, felt FALL. The sky had that Fall light in it yesterday, so I was already anticipating it- but this morning it was really cool, and it rained all morning. So I opened up the window by my couch, made some tea, and read Anne Lamott's "operating instructions" until I fell asleep. It was nice.

I have had this little book of Anne Lamott's for a long time. I have tried to read it, but thought I would hold off until I actually got pregnant. Well, that took a while:) But I am happy to be reading it now, and it is so perfect, the timing, the everything.

It has taken 32 years and a move to Tulsa for me to realize that I have some "issues". Don't we all. I mean, I knew I had them, like I know the world is round, and birds fly. But I don't think I had really stopped to think about how they effect the way I see the world, how I interact with it, how much anxiety I have when I am not in control. I don't think I actually stopped to check them out, if I am honest- they have just been so loud and obnoxious, I haven't had much of a choice.

Anyway, Anne Lamott always inspires me, because she's lived a hard life, and yet has managed find grace and glory in it. In her memoir of her son's first year (the book I am reading now), I really feel every ache of her words. Their honesty.

The weekends are hard here. I miss my tribe. I know yall are busy cleaning your toilets and being lazy just like me- but I miss your nearness and your like- mindedness. And though I might not have seen you today- you would have been one street over, or a drive away, or whatever. I miss that.

But I am thankful for mornings like this one. Where I felt some comfort by my window, and some fresh air. I know it will be well. Folks have weathered far worst storms than this. And it's almost Fall- which just makes everything better. I need me a cabin in the woods and a good, long, hike.

weekend

We had a great visit with the family this weekend. We shopped like crazy and loved on sweet addison as much as we could. I miss you guys already!

Fall, please.

I ventured out today to do some grocery shopping, and bought my favorite fall herbal tea- Tazo's Wild Sweet Orange. I am SO ready for FALL.

Today is one of those hazy, hot days in Tulsa. It kind of irritated me, and I resonate with every woman who has had to endure a pregnancy in the Summer. If I can help it- that will not happen again:)

So, as I was doing my weekly exploring, I rounded a certain corner- and what do you know. A new Whole Foods. So, I ventured in, bought some new reusable bags, and some Fall tea. I also had a good laugh as I was checking out- on the little payment screen where you swipe your card, it asked "credit card" or "food stamps". I thought those were funny options- because the only way one can afford to shop there regularly is on credit or gov't assistance. I still like to browse, though. A woman can dream.

rest

I have tried to write this past week, but everything I have written down has seemed so sad and dreary- and well, I tend to be a melancholy, yet hopeful person- but the hope was so hard to find last week, and well, no words seemed true, despite how real it all felt.

With that said- nothing has really changed, but I feel more hopeful today, and I am thankful that my spirits have lifted.


Yesterday, as I was driving around, I was praying to God- and just said, I need something supernatural to happen today. Something to let me know that God was here, with me, in Tulsa. I learned this from Anne Lamott, who has these amazing stories about these kind of things, and I just felt like- I want to believe that, too, so I prayed, and asked- for something. I didn't really care what, I just needed something.

Last evening, I received two emails from two dear friends. One, telling me that she was planning a trip with another friend to see me this Fall, and the other sending her thoughts and prayers my way.

I really do have the best friends.

So, that's that. I also worked with a very rude surgeon today and it somehow did not break my spirit. He was such an ass, and I mean that in the kindest way, and it was nothing short of the grace of God that I did not break down crying- which he would have loved, I have a feeling. I also decided today to work an extra day a week, which is also totally bizarre and contrary to the way I have been feeling- but I think keeping busy is helpful- work is good, even if its hard work.

In other news- This Friday, I will be 25 weeks. 15 weeks to go- that just sounds insane! Annie kicks a lot, stronger and stronger- and she must still have a good bit of room in there, as I feel her all over the place.

That's all, folks. Some of my family arrives this weekend- can't wait. Lots of laughs and comfort are on there way.

a few times a year...

The bottom falls out, and the tears come- off and on- all day long, like a good soaking rain. This happened Sunday. After a rather difficult church visitation, I just lost it. Lost it in the car on the way home. Cried at lunch while eating a hamburger. Came home, took a bath, and cried some more. I would get better, and then they would just keep falling.

They were falling for all the people I had left. For the life I don't understand yet, here in Tulsa. For a job that feels difficult. For a baby that I love, and yet makes me feel so ill so much of the time, that I am weary. For friends that don't really exist here, yet. For the plans that we don't have for childbirth classes and a pediatrician or a baby sitter for when I'll have to go back to work. They fell for all these reasons and more, and for the first time in a long time, I was questioning so many things, a tad angry, even.

Well, the days since have brought perspective, but there is still that uneasiness lingering. The burden of so much unknown, and the longing to just be less homesick- and not just for a place, but that deep restless homesickness that is so much of a reality in this life.

I was cheered up a great deal last nite, as I watched this little munchkin take her first steps. I love this little girl- and I get to see her a little over a week. Can't wait!!!!

peace and quiet

Whew- I opened a can of worms on that last post, huh? At any rate, it's conversation I have avoided for a long time, and I think the moral of the story is that we have choices, and that is a beautiful thing.

And for the record, I woke up with the worst back spasm of my life last nite, and the first thing that came to my mind was- well, that about seals the deal for me on the epidural issue. I could barely handle a back spasm.

That's all I am going to say about that for now. I'll let you in know in 17-18 weeks how it all went down:)


So today, I have a long list of things that need to be done, but I am just yearning for some peace and quiet. I have a lot on my mind.

I feel like I am in somewhat of a predicament with my job/career path. Given that I am having a baby in 4 or so months, I am not really in the position to really explore some other options- new directions. At the same time, I am in the nitty gritty phase of learning a new job right now, and my heart just isn't in it. It's only been 3 weeks, but there are days when I seriously just want to be a barista at Starbucks for awhile.

What I want to do is my photography- and that was going so well in Birmingham. I had lots of work, and more work coming. And here, I am just starting and it's a challenge. Google is helping- I am getting a few calls every week- but it just takes time, you know. time. time. time.

So, here's to patience and letting things fall where they may.

the business of being born.

So, I kind of dance through life hoping that generally things work out for the best. Well, DANCE, might be a bit of a stretch- but I guess what I am getting at is that I don't really worry too much about HOW things happen, as long as they do. For example- don't really care about how the dishwasher gets loaded. I am just happy that I have a dishwasher, and that occasionally someone else is willing to load for me. I could use a number of examples, but the thing that has been on the brain more so as of late, is of course the whole baby thing- and well, that small detail that it eventually comes out.

My friends generally fall into two categories on this issue. One extreme (all natural) to the other (I don't want to feel a thing). The problem with my thinking on this is that I have assumed the whole issue here was simply about pain- one group willing, perhaps even wanting to experience it- and the other not wanting to. I, of course, feel like this has been painful enough- and had assumed the issue was solved for me. epidural please, thank you very much.

I have also avoided these conversations because one group tends to make me feel guilty for not wanting to experience every iota of pain associated with giving birth, and the other group makes me feel like I have given up my role in the process- so until now, I have just put all my thoughts on the shelf, and lived a life full of nausea and denial that I will have to face the inevitable.

Well, after my first visit with my new OB, I knew it was time to face the music. Thankfully, my doctor has taken some of the decision making out of my hands- as he doesn't induce, and he doesn't do c-sections (unless, of course, he has to.) He did really encourage a bradley class and getting a doula- but he also said he had no problem letting me have an epidural. This all seemed like a happy medium to me.

As I felt more comfortable with the idea of actually giving birth, I have at least come to the realization that being educated is good, and it's best to make informed decisions- however scary the outcome may be.

So, my first step was to watch this documentary- The business of being born. Anyone having a child should watch this documentary. It's obviously slanted towards the home birth movement, but I found it really informative- and oddly, I found myself being really interested in midwifery. Go figure.

It also sheds light on the path obstetrics has taken in the last 30-40 years. The c-section rate alone has gone from something like 4% to 46%. In Europe and Asia- c-section rates still remain very low. I also found it interesting that the U.S. has one of the highest infant mortality rates for developed countries. Scary.

Much of this is attributed to way obstetrics is being practiced. I won't go into that here- but I have to say that what I was hearing made complete sense- and it made me wonder if our doctors don't often cause more trauma and drama, than if we had taken things slower with less intervention.

I really appreciated this film because it did show the need for intervention as well. One midwife, after arriving to a premature labor situation and finding the baby to be breech- immediately took the woman to the hospital, where she was delivered via c-section emergently. The outcome was good- but not have been had the midwife not known her limitations. I loved that.

But most of all, I just really appreciated and learned that the whole birth process and decision making is not just about pain. It's about knowing about what's going on, how different drugs may effect outcomes-what your rights are as a patient. All of these things were really helpful to me.

So, like I said, this is a great documentary. It's biased, and that's okay. I knew that before I watched it. It's graphic- lot's of babies being born in bathtubs. I cried every time, but I still don't think it's for me. I do feel like I got new information, and I plan to follow up those questions with my doctor. I didn't know what sort of questions to ask before watching this, and I am thankful that it got my wheels turning.

weekend

This weekend, one of my best friends in the world got married in Saint Louis. The weekend was amazing. The weather felt like late Spring- and it was wonderful to be back in a place I love so much. It felt like a really long hug. I didn't want to let go.

Saint Louis has always been the place where I felt most like myself- and every time I return, I find myself asking God to somehow get us back there, some day. It's not that I haven't felt cared for and loved elsewhere- because I have. It's just there, I feel some kind of deep peace.

To all the friends I was able to see this weekend- it was SO GOOD to see you. And Leslie and Kevin- CONGRATS! We had the best time and love you all dearly.

And also Hagers- thank you for the cozy bed and good conversation. It was a pleasure to stay in your home.

Annie Ruth Jared

it's a.....

girl!!!!

cross your fingers

Well, upon my mother's insistence, I have another ultrasound on Monday at a place that does gender identification. There are these big imaging clinics all over Tulsa- places that do ultra sounds and MRI's and CT scans, etc... Maybe these exist in Birmingham, too- who knows. Anyway, for 50 bucks they will give it another go.

Guess whose 32 oz. of fluid will contain caffeine and sugar on Monday?

Until then, I am back to my curtains- the ones whose pattern I have already abandoned. We'll see how THAT goes. If I am not too embarrassed, I'll show the finished product. Right now, I am just mad I paid 8 dollars for a pattern I know I would most likely not follow....

jury still out

Well, another dramatic day at the Jareds. I woke up sick. yay. We proceeded to the OB, where I would first get our 20 week ultrasound, then head to the OB visit. We made it the ultra sound office, I got on the bed, and the ultrasound MEAN lady said, "where is your full bladder?". This was just after she had practically berated Josh over the possibility that he might have a video camera in his bag. We were both kind taken aback by her rudeness. You probably just had to be there. ANYWAY, she quickly took her little wand away, wiped my stomach off, and said very flatly- "I can't do it". Soooooo- We rescheduled for later that morning and headed to the OB.

HE was great. I feel so lucky that someone suggested him to us. He is super cool. 7 feet tall- I am serious! Anyway, we both felt so good about seeing him, and he wants to see me every 2 weeks from here on out, just so we can get to know one another. He doesn't induce or do c-sections (unless he has to), encourages natural childbirth- but thinks epidurals are fine and good. Anyway- he seemed really passionate about what he does- and he is anglo-catholic, which just about made Josh giddy.

Sooo, all was well there, we then proceeded to tank me up full of fluids. I drank a large Sprite and a Large water in less than an hour, and not quite certain which end it was all going to come out first. It was really miserable.

But we made it back to the Ultrasound office, and the lady was STIll in a bad mood, and I was seriously feeling like I was going to throw up on her, and feel very HAPPY about it:) Anyway, she seemed to lighten up a bit as she did the ultrasound. The baby looked good, at least to our eyes- she said very little, except here's the head, here's a leg, etc....

So, the baby was evidently sleepy and cozy, legs all curled up and resting. She got a view from behind, where no MALE parts were seen- but she would not commit to a sex, since she didn't have a great view. Soooo, it looks like it may be a girl, but we don't know for sure, and she certainly was not going to waste her time trying to find out.

We did get a little 4-d view of the baby, and if you can tell in the above photo, the Elliott cheeks live on. I loved seeing that picture, so the painful morning was all worth it!

The baby weighed 14 ounces, and due date moved up to Dec 12.

Soooo, Tulsa has an ultrasound clinic where you can pay to have a gender ultrasound. It's like 45 dollars, so we're going to have that done soon. I really want to know for sure- and would like a better experience.

I did tell my nurse that the ultra sound lady was a bit sassy, and she said she hears that a lot. She isn't hired by my OB, so not much they can do about it, but seriously- this lady was little too much.

20 weeks

I am growing. Wish I were like those cute Gap pregnant models:) Oh well, it takes all kinds, right?

Here we go. 20 weeks....

new, weird things.

So, I struggle with how much to share here sometimes. I share, because it makes me feel better- and I genuinely feel like we are not alone in our struggles- and things I read help me in all kind of ways. anyway....

So Tulsa, and particularly my new job has been causing me a good deal of anxiety. ok, really its my new job. the one I have been at for all of two days.

I hate being the new person. The person who doesn't know how to find the bathroom, much less the operating room. I want the double doors to open, and there to be smiling faces all around me- but you know, people are just doing their jobs, and I am one of a million new faces- and well, I just don't matter THAT much. 

I am also a do gooder- and I was ready to be trained two weeks ago. I don't like not knowing things, feeling  uncertain of my place, not knowing how it will all work out. I don't like that at all.

And on top of that, my whole world will be changing in a few months. Every time I go THERE, I just feel like I am about to unravel. How can I take on so many new things? 

And what I really want, deep deep down, is to be home. to do my photography. but that takes time, too- and I am obviously not there yet.

So, I stew. I wonder. I look to Josh and he tells me hang in there, we'll get a plan. I look to Jesus, to help me not fear the world.

josh and jesus. what a combo.

work

Well, I got my feet wet at work this week. It was mostly paperwork and tests- the usual nursing requirements. I finally made it out to the O.R. yesterday, but I was so spent, I just felt overwhelmed. So, the jury is still out. I honestly think it would be fine if I just felt better. Gosh, I know I keep going on and on, oh and ON about this, but it really is testing me in gigantic ways.

It makes work feel a lot more daunting. It makes waking up feel daunting. 

I am so glad Josh is still off for the Summer right now. He is able to take over when I need him to, and that happens to be a lot these days. He made some killer red beans and rice last nite. The real, authentic kind- and he pulled it off in less than 3 hours. It was really good.

Well, here's to Thursday. hope yall have a good one.

what a night. (it has a good ending)

Last night I had my first girls night out here in Tulsa. My cousin-in-law invited me out to a movie and dinner with several women. It was fun and great to be around the ladies. Unfortunately, somewhere between after the movie and before the Mexican, I started feeling like the world was caving in. My head was hurting, and the whole pregnancy nausea started to creep in. I hung in there and tried to have good conversation. Everyone was gracious. I was mad. I just wanted to feel better and enjoy myself. sigh.

Well, as dinner concluded, I was feeling the end coming. I FLEW home, ran in the house, hugged the toilet off and on for 15 minutes until I felt like the drama was over. My body felt completely depleted. Josh got me into bed, after I managed to get down a zofran and two tylenol. He warmed up my "sock"- this is the only thing that sooths a pounding head. (a sock with rice in it, heated in the microwave. it's a life saver). 

So, as I was laying there just begging my mind to relax enough to fall asleep, what do you know. thug. A nice whopping thug. It was the baby, it's first good kick.

I have been feeling some subtle movements this week, but this was the real deal, and I was like seriously, right now, when I feel like I am going to die, me and this baby are going to have a "moment"? I smiled the best I could, and put my hand over it's little body and said softly, let's sleep. we did.

what a night.

settling in.

It's been a good week in our new home. Josh and I both have felt some new found freedom and motivation that had been lacking for awhile. It's good. It really is.

Josh's newest thing is his ongoing preparations for our garden next year. He has the composter all set set up and already we are creating ROT that will make our garden grow. It's been a great project for him ( and me ). It feels good to not throw food away. Almost everything we eat can be used in the compost. I have never seen someone so excited to see food rot, but hey- whatever works. 

Tulsa also has a great recycling program. That has also felt good- to get back in the habit of green-er living. 

I had my first visit with the nurse today. I'll meet with the OB in two weeks. I got to hear the little heart beat again which was great. I was measuring small-ish @ 16. I am 18 weeks and a few days. She didn't seem concerned- she said as long as it stays within two weeks. We'll have the big ultrasound Aug 1- where the measurements will be more accurate and we'll have a better idea of where we are in the grand scheme of things. AND, we will find out if the baby is a he or she. Any bets???

I loved this office so much. When the nurse was listening to the heartbeat- she just paused and said... "I love that sound". I do too. It felt good to not be a number.

And I think I am feeling little movements. It's so subtle, so it is hard to tell.

And who started watching Felicity again last nite? that's right. me. Kicking it old school. I even have Josh hooked. 

back

Tired is what we are. We had a great weekend in Birmingham. We closed on our little house. Saw lots of family and friends. Shot a wedding, and somehow made it home yesterday. We didn't even leave Birmingham until 11:30, and I had serious doubts as to how far we would make it down the road. Thankfully, I fell asleep early in the trip and woke up in Memphis, which gave me hope that we could actually make the trip. Josh slept the next 4 hours- and then we tried to keep each other sane for the last two.

It feels so much better to be back with all our business wrapped up in Birmingham. I feel like I can be here mentally now, which is important.  

That's it for now. I need some serious sleep.

much better

gosh, i feel like a different person today. thanks to those who prayed for me. looks like it worked...

sick

I am asking for some prayer today. I was really, really sick this morning. The kind of sick that lands a pregnant woman in the E.R. if she doesn't get better. This pregnancy seems to follow no rules at all. I have been feeling decent for at least a portion of the day for several weeks. In fact, on our drive out to Tulsa- I was great. I felt great the entire day. But since then, I can't seem to find the right things to eat or drink. I cannot drink juice of any kind. Water doesn't sit  all that well, either. It's awful, but a coke has been one of the more soothing things. Guess baby likes the fizz and high fructose corn syrup. just dandy.

Anyway, this morning I was finally able to get a zofran down and piled all the pillows I could up on the bed and somehow fell asleep sitting straight up. I slept a good two hours and woke up to Kelly Rippa running around in high heels. You would have to watch the show today to even know what I am talking about, but in my sick induced coma, it all seemed quite strange. Supposedly they are having some kind of race tomorrow where people are running in high heels for the march of dimes. how painful is that? Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about Regis and Kelly.

back to me:)

It seems that the drama has passed for now. Josh went and got me some breakfast and I was able to eat a good bit of it- though with trepidation. Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers as I would really love to feel good and enjoy this time where Josh and I are free and not working. And we have a big weekend ahead with the house closing and shooting a wedding, etc... I need to feel well, and I need to avoid the E.R.

Lord, have mercy.

weekend

I know this blog is getting a tad boring with all the mini-updates. Truth be told, the days get a little restless around here, and so I read, I watch Wimbledon,  I write, I nap, I unpack, and then repeat all of these things in some fashion until I go to bed. We did venture out yesterday, but it was so hot, I lost the will to live  and had to come home ASAP and sleep it off. whew.

Josh and I finally cooked our first meal here, well  maybe our 2nd, but it was our first fancy meal. We grilled a steak, made baked potatoes  and corn on the cob. It was fabulous. 

We made it to a church today. The folks were really nice, but it was different and I was both underwhelmed and overwhelmed all at the same time. I tend to take in the whole room when I enter a space, and so of course I was thinking- will we end up here? will these faces be familiar some day? At the same time I was kind of pessimistic. This was not a "brooke" kind of place. But maybe I don't really know what that is anymore, and maybe that's okay. I am really not sure how to approach beauty and worship. I feel like a part of our worship should reflect actual, created beauty- because as image bearers- we long to create and make beauty. When I am in a place that does not seem beautiful, I feel lost somewhat, like we've missed something. I think it matters, I just don't know how much. 

And there is the whole thing about the church being the people and not a building- but again, we inhabit places- and I think that space matters. So, these things were going through my mind today as I sat in a place so different from the last two churches I have been in. 

And I have been reading Madeleine Le'engle- and she has a lot to say about art and beauty. So, these things are on the brain lately.

better

My sister told me I couldn't write such a sad post again. 

I am doing better. Today is all about some work that needs to be done, and then tomorrow we'll go to church. somewhere.

I am actually looking forward to that. 

I am also looking forward to checking out the flea market that is a mile from my house. A flea market and a farmer's market! (We have one of these opened 7 days away across the street. I ate peaches and a tomato from there that changed my whole perspective on life:)

All right folks. Have a great weekend.

sad

They came today. The tears, that is. I knew they would, and now they won't stop. damn tears.

I am not even trying to console myself- I don't think I am supposed to.  I know it will be okay- it's just today, the tears have nothing else to do but fall.

My sweet dog is so disoriented. She awakes at every sound, and I find her big face in front of mine in the middle of the night, as if she is trying to tell me- you know, mom, this is not my home.

Well, it is home- and I keep trying to comfort her, but it's going to take her some time too. I am a lot like her, too.  Leaning into Josh, telling him- this isn't home, yet. What am I to do?

There are no answers here. We do the work of entering in to life. We let God lead our steps. We get to understand a little more deeply what it feels like to be a stranger- which can only help me feel more compassion for those who walk a similar road. 

I am so thankful for Josh. He knows me well. He saw that the tears were not ending, and he said, how about a walk. So we took our first walk around the neighborhood. People smiled, loved our dog, we admired the houses and said several times how thankful we were to be walking in a neighborhood. Quiet. but not too quiet. Folks were already starting their July 4th festivities. I imagine them showing up at their friends' homes, after a long day of work- looking forward to the long weekend. The wind was blowing, and people were sipping on drinks. They looked happy, and it made me smile- which was no small feat today. not small at all.

tulsa house

Click on the house. It will take you to flickr and you can see more photos.

Family and friends asked for photos, so I promise this isn't me trying to show off anything. Although I do like the house:)

tulsa house, originally uploaded by brookejaredphotography.

here.

We're here. We are kind of unpacked, in places. I am ready to feel settled, but that will take some time. My friend Carrie made the trip with us, and she has been AWESOME. I think Josh and I would have felt so disoriented, that we would have just collapsed mentally by now. But instead we've had Carrie to help ease the stress, make us laugh, help me decorate and run errands. It's been incredible, really.

I love our neighborhood. People are out walking at night, which is something I have not been able to do for three years. It's close to so much. We ran several errands yesterday, and  everything was within 5 miles with little traffic. I also found a McAllisters- which means alot to me because of my love affair with sweet tea. 

I am started to feel that pit in my stomach of being here with so few people to know at this point. I think when Carrie leaves, the tears will surely come. Thankfully, we'll be back in Birmingham next week, I'll get to see people one last time (not last, last)- but you know.

And- I just love Skype. I have always been able to video chat with my mac friends, but I was able to do that with my sister last nite- and it's just such a comfort to see a face and not feel like they are 700 miles away.

That's it for now. I'll post pictures when the house becomes livable.

all but gone

Well, Josh and I slept on an air mattress in our empty house last nite. We slept in the front room and listened to our little neighborhood one last night. The sirens, here and there. The occasional car alarm. The people, hanging out until the wee hours. I slept peacefully. maybe because I was tired down to my bones. Maybe because I knew it was the last nite I would be there. Maybe because, as difficult as moving is, and letting go of friendships that have kept us level- this all just feels right. Every step of the way, us doubting, and God seeming to say- Go forward. I am taking care of you.

God taking care of us.

That sentence has taken on a new meaning these past few weeks. And again, I just shake  my head and I admit that I just can't wrap my head around that. When someone our church loved, is gone. I think of another friend that I like to call Saint Anne- who is running around Sudan/Darfur as we speak, trying to help in a terrifying situation. An another is in Uganda, seeing things I am sure would make me question that sentence at every turn. It all has me understanding my old pastor is St. Louis, who often in prayer at our Community Group, would just pray- God, have mercy. 

Thankfully, I'll be back in a couple of weeks to finish up some photography work and close on the house. It will be good, and then we will return home, or at least to the place we can only hope will become one.

saying goodbye, to birmingham

The weekend is upon us, and I have felt the sadness sneaking in today. I want to have space in my heart to feel all of this adequately, and I just don't. It seems just in the past few weeks, I have felt that inner peace like comes after a long struggle. That sadness, that is kind of like relief- when we say, "to whom shall I go, you have the words to eternal life". That's where I am.

Josh and I have so much to look forward to this year, and I am eager to begin this new season. But I am deeply sad to leave my friends, my family. Who will be my Jones's? Who will love us like them, and invite us into their home, and sit on their porch. Who will be my Cassia and Joy? My book loving, dancing sisters? Who will be my community group- who welcomed us in, prayed for us, gave us their friendship. And Carrie and Whitney- who will walk with me, and eat Mexican on Fridays? So many spaces to fill. This will not be easy.

But, what I know is this- 

I have left a place before, and there have always been people waiting. Waiting to love and give me the mercy of friendship. It's always hard to believe it will happen- but it will. I hope that I will be able to offer the same.

Thanks Birmingham- for being home to us for these three years. We shall miss you, in our own little way.

keep in touch!!!

little button designs

I don't know why I have not mentioned this before, but my sister has a great little side business, selling labels and stationary. They are really adorable- and they make GREAT gifts.

click HERE

I know crazy, and I will use it.

I think Owen Wilson says that in one of those Shanghai noon movies. I watched that movie one too many times on a flight to and from Europe years ago. I was really feeling those words by the end of the trip. But that's another story.

We have three days until we load up the truck, and I am just not feeling it. The "it" I need for the final push. I don't really feel stressed, I just don't care:)

I have also entered into a new phase of pregnancy where my need for food IS actually making me crazy. It just hits me so fast, and I feel like the world is coming to an end. Talk about high maintenance. This morning, I temporarily lost my sanity when I realized all the utensils had been packed and I was trying to flip sausage with a knife, in a copper pan that was in the good will box. It did not end well, and expletives were said. I had to walk it off, and then my sweet husband, who was still half asleep, managed to salvage the sausage. I know, sausage. I won't even try to explain it- except that lately cereal just doesn't work.

So, crazy it is.

nice

Well, my little vacation was great. It took me a couple of days to unwind, but by yesterday I was feeling the vacation love. I am still feeling sub par,  but I was thankful for the days of sitting under the umbrella, listening to the waves, reading a good book. This  next week will be crazy, and by the end of it, I will be living in Tulsa. I can't get that straight in my head, so I am just going to let it come, however it may.

offline

I am unplugging for a few days.  reading. sitting. being.

"I've long since stopped feeling guilty about be-ing time; it's something we all need for our spiritual health, and often we don't take enough of it...When I am constantly running there is no time for being. When there is no time for being there is no time for listening. I will never understand the silent dying of the green pie-apple tree if I don't slow down and listen to what the Spirit is telling me, telling me of the death of trees, the death of planets, of people, and what all these deaths mean in light of love of the Creator who brought them all in to being; who  brought me into being; and you. The questioning of meaning of being, and dying, and being......is part of the deepest longing of the human psyche, a recurrant ache in the hearts of all God's creatures"

madeleine l'engle from Walking on Water

let the packing begin...

We started the ominous process of packing this week. I do not like packing at all. It reveals WAY too much. How much crap we have for one. Oh well, it has to be done.

I generally like Summer a lot, especially early Summer. I love the water and warm breezes. Cold drinks. I think I am starting to feel a bit of the craziness that comes with feeling bad for 9 straight weeks. I really, really need and want to feel better. I hear it's coming. I am trying to believe it! I really to have a healthy respect for those who fight illness on a daily basis. It really reveals a part of our existence that was not meant to be. Seems like a dominant theme this week- death, sickness, loss. This week was not helped at all by the news that I heard this morning- the death of Tim Russert.  Sunday morning news is one my favorite things to watch- and I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Tim Russert. He was pretty much my number one informant on all things political. I liked the way he interviewed, and he seemed like a genuine man. I am sad, that he, too, was taken at such a young age.

Lot's of , "why, God?", this week.

The good news, is that I am going to the beach for a few days. My sweet friend Carrie has offered a bed at their house for part of this week, and even though I have SO much to do, I feel like this might be the one thing that puts some spring back into my step. So white, sandy beach, here I come- with my chair and hat, book and sunscreen.  I am white as a ghost, with a bulging belly to boot (and not the cute kind, yet)- and I don't even care. 

AND, one last thing, the dr. called back with the results from our screening. ALL looks good- which is wonderful news. Baby Jared is growing just fine and healthy.

heavy heart

Someone I don't know very well died yesterday. He was one of those people who knew almost everyone I was close to, but for whatever reason our paths rarely crossed- which was most definitely to my loss. The words I have read about him today have made me feel deep sorrow. Sorrow for death. Sorrow for a wife who lost her best friend. Sorrow for the utter shock that death brings- Sorrow that leaves no words. Sorrow that leaves tears that can only we wiped away by heaven.

I have been so stone cold lately. so cold with fear and worst case scenarios. I found out this news yesterday just minutes before I went to see our baby. I think I was so overwhelmed, that I just couldn't take it all in. life and death. beauty and sorrow. 

sometimes life just aches. today is one of those days.

looks like a baby

Today we had our first trimester screening at UAB. This is an optional screening for all pregnant women, that shows pretty good indications of whether or not you might be at risk for downs syndrome or one of the other trisomy's. It also is a good indicator for congenital heart defects. I have seen enough in my own medical experience, to want to be as prepared as we can for this baby. However, this morning, I was thinking- you know, maybe I would be okay NOT knowing. Oh well, it was too late, and I knew the non-emotional part of me knew this would hopefully be a helpful thing.

So, the good news is we got to see the baby. Isn't he/she cute? The Doctor was very scientific and mostly what I heard was bla bla bla, downs syndrome, bla bla bla, more downs syndrome. So I was about to have a full on panic attack the whole time. Keep in mind, as he is giving his little talk, he is moving the ultra sound around, taking measurements, giving you no indication if you need to worry about all his bla, bla, blas. Finally, at the end, he said "everything looks as it should". I had some blood work as well, which will be back in a week or so. The ultra sound along with the labs will be evaluated, and then I'll find out our risks, etc.... Sounds fun, huh?

It was reassuring to this little baby today. I try so hard not to worry, but I just do. 

2nd trimester, here I come.

what a day.

I shot a very fun wedding today, and now I am laying on my bed with my feet regaining some feeling:) But, what I really wanted to share was that today we signed a contract on our house. Monday, we had decided to see if we could rent, as we were running out of time. I didn't feel like we were giving up, but in some way we were laying out our fleece, asking God what we should do. We got more than 10 calls that day, which was super encouraging- and stressful, as we then had to think through how to screen, do applications, etc.... My anxiety level was high.

And then Wednesday happened. Three showings.

Thursday we had an offer.

Today we signed a contract.

I know it's not a done deal, but it looks hopeful. and I am feeling less like I am going to lose my mind:)

I can't believe we are moving in three weeks.