This is my first day off this week, so I am enjoying the peace and quiet of home, a window opened, no tv, and a pretty high pile of laundry that needs to be put up. I officially picked up a day of work, which though I don't LOVE my job, it helps to be out of the house, and after a long look at our finances and the fall out of the move, I/we made the decision to make some more money, so we could get ahead of things again instead of merely scraping by. Plus, I keep forgetting that small fact about me not working for at least 2 months- so anyway, that's the state of the jareds right now. Oh, and I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow to figure out what evenings I will work once the baby gets here. This was a huge gift, because I will be able to work 3-11, 2 evenings a week. Now, all I will need is a babysitter for 3 hours a week, which still has to be found- but I feel SO much better about this. It feels possible, you know. I had looked at a daycare last week, in case the possibility arose that I would not be able to get an evening position. I really liked the daycare (as much as you can)- but it was loud, and all the babies were crying- and it just made me sad. Not to mention it was almost 500.00 for two days a week. So, we regrouped, and the plan seems to be coming together- bit by bit.
We still haven't found a church, and it doesn't look all that promising. The demographic of Tulsa is quite a bit different than we anticipated. We have mostly lived in "young" towns- and I guess what I mean is we have lived in towns with big universities, big teaching hospitals, with lots of energy and people in and out, always someone new to know. Most of my friends in STL and Birmingham were not from Birmingham. Here, it feels so different. We go to church, and we just feel so odd- and we really have not met people our age at all. We met a few young couples last weekend at a church we visited, but that's been it-
So, we don't know what will happen. We have no idea why we were led here. This was and is proving to be a great opportunity for Josh- this is for sure. But we sold a house we loved, and lost all the money we had put in it. We left friends and a community that were so important to us- only to be led into the wilderness (this is how I feel, at least).
I suppose I have reached that stage where I want to start thinking in 10 year increments, not 3-5. Moving and new cities always excited me- but now I want my church, my community, access to my family. I don't want the constant change- I want stability. Josh and I always talk about what you build your life around. Your career? Your community? A city? Do you take the lesser job, for the better "life"? Is that possible? I don't know.
What I do know is that we will not make it here without a church to plant ourselves in. It doesn't help that Josh and I are working through our own, individual church journeys. I have had two fairly raw, open church experiences- and I have grown to love that, feel safe in it. These were not perfect places and I had lots to gripe about when I was in the middle of them, but I have been a part of two churches who really made an effort to love those on all sides of the fence, to focus on Jesus and grace, and living life for the sake of the kingdom. I see now, that that was no small thing. I really feel deep sadness for the harsh words I said and felt, especially at my last church, because it really was a beautiful place. This past Sunday, the pastor of the church we visited mentioned Sarah Palin at least 5 times in his sermon. I like Sarah Palin- I am not comfortable assuming everyone else does in a worship service. I do not think the Republican party is God's team. Nor the democrats. This is the kind of thing that I just can't handle anymore. I just can't deal with the mentality that we have the brand of Christianity that is right. I had no less than three people ask me upon greeting how did I know about the PCA? really? that's the most important question? It's like a test question. One I do not like. And to be fair- I have had that question asked at the Lutheran church,too- not as many times, but I know people are just trying to find a connecting point. I know that. But again, I have been at two churches where that question just wasn't asked. It just didn't matter that much- because it had very little to do with worship and jesus.
I guess it's the kind of people these churches have afforded me to meet, too- that just makes finding a new place so hard. I think about them as I visit places. I think, would I meet "so and so here"- doubtful.
And before anyone gets too mad- let me DECLARE- all of the people people we have met, have been nothing but kind. It's just that I cannot leave my experiences and longings out of the equation, and I am just trying to figure it all out. Believe me, I would be the happiest girl in the world if I had to apologize for every doubtful word I have written here- I expect in some real way that one day I will- because so far- God has been faithful to us, even in pain.
****
After letting this post settle for a bit, I feel like I got a little carried away with my words. The irony of brokeness, I guess- that in my longing for a place we can call home, my expectations get the better of me- and I start demanding something, which is exactly what I don't want done to me. I do feel passionate about the things I spoke of, and it matters a great deal to me, but I just wanted to communicate, that I know that me being merciful, and patient, and gracious is just as important- if not more.
