juno

i have been waiting to see this movie for awhile now- and it was worth the wait. Ellen Page was amazing. clever, witty. All the supporting actors/actresses were really good, too. I realize I am pretty bad at film reviews. I don't even really like film reviews. i saw it. i liked it. That's it.

I also finally got to see Once this past week. GO RENT this FILM. today. It is really a beautiful film, and the music is amazing. My music abilities are itsy bitsy, 10 long years of piano lessons, and I got nothing. I see people playing the piano, and I can see how they just get it, you know. All that to say, I really envy the community of music, and I wish I could partake in it somehow. And I do, I suppose, by listening- and I will continue to do so. This film was a beautiful story about two people finding a voice and telling that story. I kind of felt my heart breaking the whole time. in a good way.

back

we made it back today from our Holiday travels. I got sick, so its all kind of foggy to me- but we had a good time, played lots of games- one of which is the "new" UNO. It might not be so new, but its been jazzed up a bit since my elementary school days (which is the last time I played). At any rate, I don't know if I was just delusional from being sick, or if my mom just cracks me up, but we had a good time. The wine probably helped.

Here are some photos from the trip home. I didn't edit many of them. it's hard to help bad lighting and sick photographer. I didn't really try.

Christmas. I have so many thoughts about this time of year. I don’t feel like I have partaken of the festive elements this year as much. I feel like I am wading through some fairly complex emotions this year, too, which has made things seem strange, and yet oddly real- like I really NEED Christmas. I need help. I need forgiveness. I feel badly for things I have said, thoughts I have had, being harsh, unkind, the list goes on. I feel like I need to write a global apology letter. Please forgive me for all things rude, impatient, unkind. I have been all, and million other things.

The good news is I found some new found freedom this year to give simply. I made things and framed my photos, made recipe books, and bought good wine. Things that I love, I gave to people I love, and I hope I can keep things as simple in the years to come.

Looking forward to being with family. Taking a long walk. listening to the last few days of wintery holiday music. taking a break from work. drinking some hot coffee from my favorite corporate giant (starbucks).

2007 will be over soon, and as much as it has taught me, I am glad to see it go. I hope this year brings us a bigger family, whatever way that might occur. Until then, josh and I (and the lovely welsie) wish you well. Merry Christmas!

got my camera back.

well, they replaced my shutter. seems to be back in business.

nostalgia

I found this lovely site today. I guess this couple started this thing where they host house concerts. I watched Pierce Pettis, today, and it was really nice. Pierce has been a favorite of mine for a long time. His music is so nostalgic- always taking me back to some tender moment- even if it was a broken one. Anyway, thought I would share.

tree

i like this picture.

christmas music i like

despite my apparent grinch-i-ness, I am wrapping presents today. I have the lights on. and I am listening to some good christmas music. "snow angels" and "the darkest nite of the year"- two great wintery/holiday/christmas-ish albums by over the rhine. you should listen.


one way to listen, free, is Rhapsody online. I think you get 25 free "streams" a month, or you can subscribe to unlimited. This is great for me, because most of the music I listen to is on the computer, and I can avoid impulse purchases because I just have to hear that whatever. However, I am all for supporting bands you like, with money. I do that, too.

language

I am seeing more and more how I don't have words for things that I used to. Especially in regards to spiritual language. I find myself saying, I just don't know what that means. I think we end up taking on spiritual language, much like we do English (or whatever you speak). Someone we love, speaks to us, tells us they love us, teaches us how to say dog, cat, what have you. And before you know, we are a little talking person, armed with words, and southern twang to boot (if you are lucky).

I guess many people, along the way, have given me words to speak about God. If I admired them, I probably adopted their language, or at least some of their words, and used them as my own. I don't know what it is about words that can connect something inside and make it more of a reality- but sometimes it seems to do so.

But lately, I feel like my language is changing- it's not that I don't borrow words, I do. I am just borrowing new ones. The old ones feel cliche. like "what is your ministry", or "the gospel"- I just don't know what that means really. or maybe it just means too much.

lately, my language is more internal. or long sighs (my favorite professor said he thought these were little prayers). I adopt josh's words- Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. I say prayers like, Lord, I have no idea what I am doing. I feel tired of "church" (note: big global church) and everybody feeling they have to be right about you. I feel grief for how broken this all feels. I feel like I want to worship in a place where I can say these things out loud, but I don't feel like I have that right now. I feel frustrated that my words don't match my longing.

i don't know alot about the church calendar, except that I grow to love and lean on it more and more. maybe, just maybe it is the wisdom of the church (in all its folly), to tell us the story, year after year,of redemption. maybe the church knew, people like me would lose their words, and this story- would be told despite my mute tongue. maybe the church knew that we might find comfort in a season of waiting. i say this every year during advent, but josh once told me that advent reminds us that some tears don't get wiped away until heaven. those words, i get.

BIG HUGE LABS

just playing around. I like this site

kind of glad?

I bought a second camera a couple of months ago, because I was starting to shoot some weddings alone. It was canon's new 40d, several steps up from my xti (which I adore), and I have been trying really hard to adore it (the 40d). really hard. I can't really explain it, but something has felt off about this camera from the get go. All the reviews I had read were great, but me, I was secretly using my (now beat up ragged looking) xti. ALOT. more than I should having a newer, shinier, camera.

and then yesterday. it just quit. I have had it all of 60 days and something is bad wrong. I think my instincts were right. it was a dud camera. a really nice dud camera.

so off it goes to New Jersey today, where I have begged in a letter to send me a camera by Friday (preferably a new, non dud version), as I have a wedding on Saturday.

I still have the trusty xti, which I would have secretly shot with anyway.

sweet

I am feeling better today.

After a nice long walk with my friend carrie yesterday, I have woken (is that even a word) with new hope! I don't think I'll being going to a mall anytime soon, but that's ok. I don't like them anyway.

I might even put up the ole fake christmas tree today- which goes against every bone in my body, but I am afraid my dog will go crazy with a real one.

i really tried

not to be a grinch today. I had some things I needed to get. one of those places being at the mall. I needed something at a book store. I thought this could be accomplished with minimal angst. BUT, as I was walking, trying to self-talk myself into holiday cheer, the crazy kiosk people started badgering me. kiosks have been around for awhile in the mall. I have even temporarily lost my mind once and bought some lotion from "the dead sea" (note: on back of bottle it says "made in New Jersey".) Anyway, the past few times I have been in the mall, these people have taken their kiosk job to a new level. Some punk today practically threw a pillow stuffed with something aromatic in my face. "lady, lady, won't you smell it? won't you try?" . sheesh. To which I replied, "I don't want to TRY it." I was so close to making a major scene. so close to telling that BOY that my name is Brooke, and I was not interested in his smelly pillow, and further more, even if I was, I would no longer be due to his OBNOXIOUS behavior. What's even worse, is that I had to pass him again. We did the whole song and dance again, and I walked straight to my car.

I am a bit disillusioned with Christmas. I love the day. being with family. warm food and lights. music. I even like giving gifts.

I do not like the chrismas silliness. and crazy kiosk people.

cooking again.

Curry Zucchini Soup:

1 large yellow onion
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1 tablespoon of dried thyme
2 teaspoons curry powder
7 large zucchini cut into chunks
1 quart of chicken stock
1 cup of heavy cream (i use half & half)
1/4 cup of melted butter mixed thoroughly with 1/4 cup of flour



In a large pot, Sautee onion in olive oil until transparent. Add Thyme and zucchini. Cook Until soft. Add curry powder, cream & stock. Bring to a boil. Add butter & flour mixture. Reduce heat and simmer soup for 15 minutes. Puree soup in blender or use an immersion blender.

I added a bit of garlic powder and cayenne pepper.

and we had toasted no knead bread (leftover from TG) with melted provolone (with a wee bit of garlic salt)

and wine.

oh, and it was good.

josh

i got my remote today, so Josh and I can finally have a picture taken, together. I just love this guy so much. How could you not?

holiday no more.

this is my office. on crack. I have alot of work to do today- sigh.

lars and the real girl

I give Birmingham a hard time for its lack of independent film showings. But, The Summit, ironically, is showing Lars and the Real Girl. I thought it was a great film, and I shed a few tears, but I won't say why, because you should go out and see this movie...

The Summit is also showing Bella, which has also gotten some great reviews. Don't know how long either will be there-
We're going to try and see Bella this week.

I am reading. Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert. A really good memoir so far. Sad, but good. It comes at the perfect time in my life where all the edges feel rough. Noone told me my thirties would be so deeply hard. My twenties were filled with all kind of melodramatic feeling and dreams, but my thirties, man, they are wearing. me. out.

I am probably going to start a new blog journaling our walk through infertility. I don't mind sharing things here, but I feel like I need a place to process without feeling like I am making people suffer through posts about doctors appointments or my irrational anger toward cute pregnant women. We are also about to seriously consider adoption, which means I might actually have to grieve our current loss of not being able to have a baby- and well, that feels pretty difficult, overwhelming, etc...anyway, I'll share when its up and going.

ALSO, ever since I got this mac, my blogger posting screen has no options for hyperlinking. Anybody had this problem, have a solution?

stl

I was in St. Louis this weekend, and it was a beautiful Fall weekend- always my favorite season in St. Louis, with its tree lined streets and old brick homes. I stayed with the Fogas's. They are like family, which is nice when you travel, because you can take naps and eat their cheese and crackers, and play with their new little person.

I also had a good time shooting a beautiful wedding. more pictures of that to come. I was able to see Sarah and her little Huntleigh, which was really nice. Sarah and I met at the end of my seminary stent, and well, I just really like her and wish I lived closer.





And then I got to see my old roomate and dear friend Leslie and Kevin. are they not cute? She will kill me for doing this, but I could not resist.

things that are on my brain

my favorite month just passed me by in a whirl. there were old friends and wedding prayers and sand and bikes and wine and breakfast conversation all mingled in. But it went fast, and it felt rushed, and I want it back.

I heard a song by the waifs today, gillian. i liked it, and thought it sweet and strange.

are you ever overwhelmed by memories that come to you in snapshots throughout the day. I was in surgery the other day, and I kept seeing all these old images, like where I went to preschool, or sitting in the lunch room in elementary school. They are so quick, the way they ease in and out. I guess all those things are trapped in our little brains, and sometimes they just need room to breathe. just interesting, that's all.

I know alot of people read this blog and care about josh and i, and where we are in our "journey" with trying to have a baby. I don't really like that word, because it sounds exciting or I don't know, different than how I feel about it, but I don't really know what word to use, so I will stick with that one.

long story short, we're still on it. I did a difficult thing this weekend- I decorated a room that I had left undecorated for two years, because it was supposed to be a nursery. I felt like I needed to live in the here and now, and in some odd way it is comforting to walk by that room, see a welcoming space, with pictures and life. I know that probably sounds really sad, but this is a sad thing-and yet putting some life in that room was a movement towards something hopeful.

So, we are in this place where we are grieving what we cannot have, at least at the present, and considering other avenues, namely adoption. I never in a million years thought this would be our story, but it is, and I am trying with all my heart to let it unfold.

so you can pray for us, or ask God to help us- we need it in all kinds of ways.

goldfish

I read so many crazy blogs yesterday about halloween and all saints day and reformation bla bla bla and how we dress our kids up like demons. i appreciated most of the dialog and get that some of the things we trivialize, shouldn't be so trivial- but there has to be a day where one can dress up like a goldfish. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a goldfish at some point in there life?

long october

this month has been so busy. lots of weekends away. lots of work. i miss being here, on my little blog, spilling my heart and soul.

truth be told, my heart feels pretty tired. tired of longing for things that just don't seem to happen. tired of hoping. tired of being disappointed by friends, my church, myself. sometimes i feel like i am working so hard to create something that all the beauty gets lost in the fight. maybe it's just that beauty is worth too much to come easy.

and the fear. what if something happens to josh. what if this or that. i think about these things more, and it overhwhelms me. i do long for heaven more and more- when we won't always have to fight back the tears. where people will be nice. when i will be nice.

until then, as i hear josh say so many times- have mercy on me, o God.

mom and addison

got my mac

i got my mac. i love it.

i'll be honest-i have been avoiding the blog. i've had alot of my mind. alot of questions. alot of frustrations. i am all over the map in my head.

i am pretty frustrated with conflict and church and general messiness. i get caught up in romantic notions that life doesn't have to be as messy as it is. that we can do the right things. that God will honor our dutiful hearts, if only we bite the bullet and do what is right. sometimes i feel like we use our brokeness as an excuse to live without caution, thought, consequences. but i know this is not alltogether true. maybe not true at all. but it still frustrates me.

and being honest- i am having a hard time with this one, too. it's hard to put yourself out there. have an opinion. offer an apology, communicate about something difficult- it opens one up to conflict. messiness. maybe even silence. if I am really honest, i hate all these things. because i can't fix it. i can't do anything to make myself feel more comfortable. i have to live and breathe the tension of life in community.

the good thing is that i know i need jesus. and sometimes words to song, become my prayer.

a pierce pettis morning prayer.


When you start to doubt if you exist
God believes in you
Confounded by the evidence
God believes in you
When your light burns so dim
When your chances seem so slim
And you swear you don’t believe in Him
God believes in you

When you rise up just to fall again
God believes in you
Deserted by your closest friends
God believes in you
When you’re betrayed with a kiss
You turn your cheek to another fist
It does not have to end like this
God believes in you

Oh everything matters if anything matters at all
Everything matters no matter how big
No matter how small
Cause God believes in you
Oh God believes in you

When you’re so ashamed that you could die
God believes in you
And you can’t do right even though you try
God believes in you
Blessed are the ones who grieve
The ones who mourn, the ones who bleed
In sorrow you sow but in joy you reap
God believes in you

Blessed are the ones who grieve
The ones who mourn, the ones who bleed
In sorrow you sow but in joy you reap
God believes in you
Oh God believes in you

beach

we're at the beach this weekend. it's beautiful. people are swimming in the ocean. we've been riding bikes and laughing. this blog is getting so boring. i promise my brain will return. someday.

brain, hurting.

I almost blew my computer up today. I have a lot of photo work and an ever slowing computer to do it with. the good news is a i am getting a new computer, soon.

i hear once you go mac, you never go back.

that's where I am heading.

anyone have a decent photo printer? I need something to print contact sheets on. I want it to look decent, but I am not really up for a 500.oo photo printer? I would love some feedback.

I am going to the mountains this weekend, with my dearest friends. I will not be on this stupid computer. but i will take photos.

why do I have a feeling i will be dreaming of photo editing tonite.

brooksie, out.

things

will Fall ever really get here? sigh.

a good documentary. 49 up. This was such a fascinating documentary. it's part of a series that covers lives of several kids over 40 years. I only say the year 49, but very. very. interesting.

and here are some movies I want to see, and that will never come to this town, which I don't really get because I feel like Birmingham could support Independent films.

there is once
and then there is this
and juno

there is a new place to eat in town. newks, or zewks or something weird like that. It's beside the Kirklin Clinic- and according to Scott Kesler- "it's the best sandwich in town". I plan on eating there soon.

I am also planning to go to bed soon.

good nite.

you, too, can write like jane austen.

I really like this font.

checking in

I have tried writing a blog post for two weeks now- i try, but nothing feels right. do you ever have seasons where you just feel kind of boring? I guess that's how I have been feeling-

things are relatively peaceful around here- despite me feeling like a total bore:) Fall is here, sort of. work is good. photography is fun and a challenge. i am reading some good books.

today, I spent the day at Smith Lake with some friends. It was such a perfect day, hardly a cloud in the sky- not at all hot. I floated in the water and rode the Sea-doo a lot. It was really fun and a perfect way to close out the Summer.


well, that's all from love in the ruins.

a week of conversations

I just feel so thankful for this past week. It was full and my bones were tired at its end- but I had so many significant conversations with old, dear friends- and newer ones as well. It was not entirely on purpose, and I normally just do not have the capacity for the number of real conversations that I had this week- but I feel like after such a discouraging week, just the week before, I don't know- maybe God was telling me through all these words that He cared. I don't really know how that works- and it' s even been awhile since I have even been willing to connect such a week with God. And even if I did- I probably would have been too insecure or proud to say I believed such a thing. call me crazy.

Well, it's monday, I have loads to accomplish- and I am ok if none if it actually happens.

annie dillard and God.

annie dillard was one of the first creative non-fiction writers I was taken by. The way she could expose the world through words really gave some light to rather dark and misunderstood places in my own heart. One of my favorite essays of hers is "expedition to the pole". When I first read this essay years ago, I was frustrated because she alternates between writing about her experience in a particular church, to writing about the early expeditions to the arctic. I wasn't really patient enough to make the connection, so i just skipped the sections where she began talking about things that resembled a national geographic article. I am pretty sure I missed the greater story.

A couple of nites ago, Josh and I were kind of bored, so I asked him if he wanted me to read some Annie Dillard out loud. We do this time to time- read books to one another because we are soooo cute. anyway, i started reading and then I remembered all the arctic tangents- which I knew josh would love because he gets the significance of land much more than I do - but I was not that interested- yet I persevered, and it was worth it. it was even interesting.

I take it so for granted what people actually do to find things. they will die to find things.

So annie off and on talks about these various expeditions to the poles. how on most of the early ones- everyone died, only to be found by the next explorers. she spoke about some english explorers, from the the royal navy, and how they left on a ship full of tea cups and fine silver- and only their uniforms. they were refined, educated men. they all died. interesting, but still no connection.

and then the lights went on. throughout the story, annie is talking about her particular experience at a catholic church on a particular Sunday. there is a band playing, which is particularly annoying to her because she had already left the protestants and their guitars. it's more than this, though. she is disappointed. she wants more.

the connection:

annie writes:

must I join this song? may I keep my silver? my family crest?....I would rather, i think, undergo the famous dark night of the soul than encounter in church the dread hootenanny-but these purely personal preferences are of no account, and maladaptive to boot. they are passing the plate and I pass in my schooling. i toss in my rank with the royal navy....my pious refusal to eat sled dogs....I was looking for bigger game, not little moral lessons, but who can argue with conditions?

It was at the end of this paragraph that i looked up at josh. this is something we are both really struggling with. worship. how we gather. liturgy. prayer. bigger game- as annie dillard says.

but what annie gets in this essay, that I had not gotten, was that worship is a matter of life and death. we want to take our silver and education- our status in the royal navy- but in subzero temperatures, it doesn't matter who you are. you need a coat, and food. silver is neither here nor there.

digging in.

it is so easy to slowly isolate oneself in this world. I have realized this over the summer, on a more personal level than ever before. sometimes, over the past few months, things have felt so difficult that I physically felt like I could not "enter" into life. There seemed to so many areas of my life where I could get lost. it was/has been overwhelming.

trying to have a baby (unsuccessfully) can be a lonely experience. I firmly believe that we were meant to live in community, to bear one another's burdens, to live and love where sorrows and joy mingle. to weep with those who weep. but this is not easy.

it's not easy because if we really do this, we soon realize that sometimes the mystery of life is overwhelming. we have no idea what to say or how to love, so we retreat. we isolate. I have felt the awkwardness of this deeply- on both ends. I have avoided situations where moms congregate and talk about their kids- and likewise, I have been avoided because someone feels that there joy, their new baby, their news of being pregnant- will only cause me pain. and to be honest, sometimes it is painful- but I do not think it is right to avoid that pain.

so I am trying to digg in. I would rather feel the pain of community, than walk this alone. I believe Jesus shows up where life is and people gather.

yesterday, I was feeling the temptation of isolation. It had been coming on for a few days, each day feeling more difficult- and thankfully God gave me some strength to choose otherwise. I picked up the phone, called a handful of people, and said, come over. eat with us.

It was late in the afternoon. I was full of insecurities. I thought, God, I am choosing to engage in this world today, and it will crush me if I have to eat alone tonite. So I, with a wee bit of faith, went to the grocery and bought food. I wavered over how much. I went for extra.

Last nite, 8 people sat around our table and ate tacos. we talked about sharks and boats. there were kids there. they were full of youth, all bright eyed and kind. it was simple. no big conversations, just fellowship of the mundane. and it felt good.

at the end of the evening, there was no food left. and I was full. full from food. full from the friends in our home. thankful that I had felt compelled to engage in the supernatural. to trust God to help me. to bring people into my home. a home full of hope and pain.

a story of a kitchen and how it made us crazy.

josh, tired.

josh, mad at me taking pictures

a partially finished, IKEA kitchen.



Josh has been working like crazy this summer, putting in our new kitchen. It has literally taken over our lives. The house is a wreck. Eating is a hassle. Anyway, as of this Wednesday, we will have a functional kitchen again. and I will be a happy woman.

visit with the little one

very nice.

our trip to st louis could not have been better. the morning after we arrived, I walked out of jackie's house to clear blue skies and temperatures in the 70's. i felt like dancing. now, this is a rare occasion (the dancing and the weather)...even for st louis. at any rate, we drank good coffee, spent time with good friends, and generally felt like we were home. I managed only to cry once, with kurt and susan, but i let the tears fall, because sometimes they just have to.

home. I feel like i have so many. different rooms of my life feeling more comfortable in different cities. who knows which one will keep us the longest, wrap it's streets and food and people all around us. time will only tell.

I am reminded today by a call from suzanne, that there are friends waiting on the other end of a long trip. I am pretty sure I do not deserve that.

time to sleep.

saint louis

josh and i are off to st louis for a wedding tomorrow. I am really. really. looking forward to it. it's been over a year since we have visited our beloved city, and it's time. I am hoping the open road will do my soul some good. It's been such a hard month. I feel like I always say that. but it has.

but good is always within arms reach. for one, I am working part-time now. I am hoping to create some more space for brooke jared photography. people keep writing and calling- which makes me feel so good. like this is what I was meant to do. so keep telling your friends. pretty please.

we are still not pregnant. i know one day i will be thankful for the words I wrote during this season of life. to remember the journey by. sometimes I would rather not write, and pretend this is not happening to us. but it is. and i mostly hate it- but i am not alone. and if i can remember that, i do better.

my dad gets on to me about remaining positive. having a plan. both of those things I am aim for. some days it is more of a longing, a place I wish I were. all and all I believe we will have a baby. at some point. it's the getting there, you know.

ahh.... i need a good laugh. i feel one coming on.

more from the road, until then....

here are some things

that i have been liking, lately.

wheat toast with nutella
the weepies
working part-time
my new KAVU bag
hanging out with addison
amazing photography clients
swimming (refer to earlier post on 8 weeks of healthy living)
Sunday Morning (CBS)- still hands down my favorite show on television. good, clever stories.


still, not liking.

my unfinished kitchen
clomid

what are you liking/disliking?

geez

june has been a long month. i'll be back to the blog soon- but I am TIRED, and BIG BROTHER just started up again, which is not something I am really proud of, but what can I say?

anyone read any good books lately? last time I got some wonderful suggestions. this is definately a weekend that I would like to get lost in a book.

I also want to see that new movie "evening"...anyone seen that movie? I am big fan of toni collette. If toni collette and joan cusack were in a movie together. wow, now that would make me really happy.

borrowed tears

my friend neil posted about this story today. I don't know if I am just tired, or if its the fertility meds, or just incredibly refreshing to watch something beautiful. At any rate, I cried, when I watched this.

cute

can't get enough of the little niece.

crazy and lazy

well, summer is here. About June 1 I become seriously non-committal. Everything is maybe. So what do Josh and I decide to do yesterday? Tear apart our kitchen. As if we did not have enough going on already- we add yet another thing. sheesh.

I must say that I am proud of our little adventure thus far. We have relocated a semi-kitchen in the dining room. the cabinets are gone. The floor is being ripped up as I speak. The hardwoods look like they are in good shape and easily refinish-able. Our dishwasher just sat on the curb for all of 5 seconds. There are benefits to living in the margins. nasty dishwasher= money. I am glad they took it. I hope it helps.

I read Anne Lamott's "Grace Eventually"..I guess this is kind of the third of her trilogy on faith. I feel alot of things when I read her- I feel like I am always in a safe place with "Jesus", and at the same time I feel scared to death. Anne Lamott has seen some tragedy, but she also places herself in the path of the Gospel, which mean pain and love and gasping for air and finding it. I just barely get this, but not even really.

I think I will look back on my life and say my first thirty years and say they were incredibly selfish- I am not throwing a pity party here, this is real conviction I am feeling. So much of my spirituality has been self serving, and thankfully, I am tired of this. I am SICK of it.

Anyway, I am still turning all this over in my head. I guess I probably always will.

quiet

what a week. I was kind of sad yesterday when my grandmother and mom and jim drove off. it's been so busy and full with the new baby niece here and family and food. it's tiring the way hard laughter is tiring. it's good.

anyway, the quiet is kind of lonely, but I am trying to rest in it. gillian welch helps. it's funny, how she makes me such less afraid of loss. her music has a way of redeeming my fear.

dad and jackie will be here friday. we'll do it all again. and i will be a little sad again, and i will probably tell you about it.

until then, have a good week.

dawgs

addison was officially inaugurated into the bulldog fan club tonite.

addison leigh tingle

here she is. all 9 POUNDS 12 OZ. of her. My sister was so brave. I love you Whitney and Terry!

almost here

well, i tried to coax my neice into existance last nite, and it apparently worked. we've been here all morning and from my mother's last spy session, it seems like she will be here soon! the words push, push, push, push, push kind of gave it away.

I am ready to meet this little lady.

hello.

saturday mornings seem to be the day to collect my thoughts on the weeks happenings. coffee to the left. patty griffin in my ears. I am on day two of fertility meds. I haven't gone crazy yet. yet. As if the whole process didn't play with your mind enough, it's hard to say what is what- but I feel good today. this thing just isn't in my hands.

josh is off for the summer. he has had quite a year, so it is good to see him relax and have him home. our 8 weeks of healthy living is going well. we went to the gym 4 times this week. I am back in the pool, so my back is a wreck, but I love swimming so much, so its worth the pain for now.

No big plans for summer for us. Infertility has a way of limiting almost everything. I will probably go to the clinic 3 or 4 times this week, if not more.

On the fertility front- My sister, who is great with child, is due any day this week. I am really looking forward to meeting little miss addison. this is the first little one on the Elliott side of the family, so we are pretty much going to drive my sister insane with love and affection for the little thing.

we might re-do our kitchen. It needs some serious help. serious. We will probably make the jump in July, but for now, we are drinking coffee, sleeping in, and watching movies.

AND thanks for all the lovely encouragement on the new WEBSITE.

happy saturday.

the website is up

my photography website is up and running. you should visit, and tell your friends.

another saturday morning; more confessions

well, for all my complaining, I have a had a nice couple of weeks. Work has been slower (which is positive in the heart surgery business). The weather has been lovely. I have been reading good books. When I can manage some perspective, I am doing pretty darn good.

I read a letter yesterday from a friend who works for MedAir in Africa. This woman is amazing, the things she sacrifices on a daily basis. The things the SEES on a daily basis. She rides in single engine airplanes and lands on muddy rocks, all to deliver help, food, medical supplies, hope. She faces death almost everyday, in one way or another. I always have this sense of awe and guilt when I read her letters. Awe- that she has chosen to live her life in this way. Serving the people who can't fight for themselves. guilt- all the wars I have in my head and in heart without ever being willing to just DO what I say is true. I fight for myself most, if not all of the time.

she writes, " Listening to music under my ear mufflers, sitting back pondering the work I do, trying to process all the difficult images and stories that come my way. It is all so horrific and often at the same time so majestic and beautiful, so exciting and inspiring, so frustrating and chaotic, that I honestly don’t know where to start in describing it all to you."- anne


I'll be honest, alot of days I feel like I am on a first class seat going straight to you know where. It's a difficult thing to believe that God can love so many kinds of people- let alone, me. I really don't deserve that kind of love. I suppose most of us feel that way- which is why we hang on to being right, things, pride, beauty, friends. I hold the death grip on all of these things, most days.

well, the coffee cup is almost dry. summer is here. my new website will be up NEXT week. I start fertility treatments this month which will prove to be a real treat, I am sure. I am reading three books at the same time, right now, which is also aiding my craziness and rapid thought sequences. oh- and josh and I are starting "8 weeks of healthy living". this year has left us feeling like big, giant marshmellows. day 1 starts today. I wouldn't be surprised if they had to carry us out of the gym on stretchers.

happy holiday weekend...

***we made it through the workout. day one, check! I swam for the last part of my workout and now have no feeling in my arms. here's to health! whoo hoo!

do you ever have days...

that hold all the promise in the world, and then it just all goes to hell because the kinko lady won't help you with the fax machine, and then you are rude to someone you shouldn't be- it's like in a matter of moments, like not even a second, one can lose the will to live. I don't know why somedays it feels like the seams won't hold anything. I wish I knew, or understood. Lately, my patience has been lacking in so many areas. too many questions at the church meeting. too many phone calls from work. too much dog hair. too much laundry. too many doctors visits.- but then tommorrow shows up, and the despair is lifted, and you feel like you can handle this little blue planet. i like those days.

really boring things we did this weekend

these are all the boring things we did this weekend.

1. cleaned out our office, so we could have an office.
2. spent the rest of our christmas money on a Dyson vacuum cleaner (God, help us.)
3. vacuumed our house.


one funny thing. watched alot of these.

three years

three years ago, today, i married the quiet, wise, hysterical joshua jared. we had planned to go out for dinner- but after a long day, we ordered indian take-out, which is a nice thing to do, and one of the many reasons I married the josh.

love the rhodes...

Today started off just right with a visit from bo and tirzah, jackson and rob....dear, dear friends from St. Louis. Thanks tirzah for letting me see your face, even for a brief morning. I miss you and your family more than I realized. have fun at the beach!

simple recipes

I found this site the other day, and made this recipe. Every recipe she posts has been cooked in her kitchen with a picture. a new favorite on the blog roll.

having a morning.

Married language is a strange and beautiful thing. Somewhere along the way, josh and I coined the phrase "having a morning"- which translates into, being alone, reading a book, having some coffee- in general, peace and quiet.

well, I was on the edge last thursday. I had a difficult week at work. I am not saying this to sound like a superhero, but being a part of a surgical team that routinely saves lives is more stress than I want in a day- most days. It has its rewards, but many days I feel the death of my own plans, my own comfort, my own life- and I think, I am done.

my dear friend cassia, and I do mean dear, says we are on a sinking pirate ship. we laugh, because you have to. but even that seems hard sometimes.

and then grace comes. (or your boss goes away for 4 days). I have lived on my porch swing for three days now. I have been reading, and being quiet, having a perpetual morning. It's been a long time since I have been able to be quiet. to actually have a coherent thought. to utter wee little prayers. I have been reading Anne Lamott's second memoir...plan b. further thoughts on faith. she says sometimes the only prayer you have is "help me. help me. save me. save me." my prayers were something like that.


I have also been reading a memoir by scott cairn and his various pilgramages to mt athos- the holy mountain. he says we pray- to glimpse a reality that is already true. I often think of prayer as begging God to change something or give me something- maybe God does those things on his own accord- but prayer allows us to "see" the reality that already is. that sounds wierd, i think, but I am working through this stuff- so forgive the progress.

here are some quotes from the reading. some things I have been chewing on.

To those who have seen The Child, however dimly, however incredulously, The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.... w.h. auden

time and showing up, turn most messes to compost, and something surprising may grow...anne lamott

rule 1: when all else fails, follow instructions
rule 2: don't be an asshole... anne lamott

forgiveness means that it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. you're done. it doesn't necessarily mean you want to have lunch with the person.. .
anne lamott

even the long and difficult path to a life of prayer is understood to be a means of glimpsing, taking part in, living into a reality that- thank God- is already so.- Scott Cairns

it's saturday

a lovely morning out here on the porch swing. it looks like rain, which is nice. we need some rain. I had my second surgery in 6 weeks yesterday. This was much smoother. I mostly slept and watched the rest of season 2 of the OC. Season 2 was a bit shady, darker, more sad. Also, is anyone watching LOST out there? What in the world is going on with THAT show?

I did alot of internet perusing yesterday and happened upon this blog. It's a girly type blog with loads of crafty/design ideas. She is pretty cool, and not tooo mom-ish- if you are into those type of blogs you know what I mean. Some women engage in a level of domesticity that is overwhelming to me and a little over the top. I am not a mom yet, but I know myself well enough to know that my kids will not always have organic bla bla bla for snacks, and three art projects a day, and home-made toys. I also don't think I will shop at four different stores finding the best deals on tooth paste. My kids will be "well rounded"...which means, they will occasionally eat hot dogs, watch videos and eat ice cream.

I think that covers my incredibly lazy day of recovery. I plan to get outside today, clear my head, and eat something organic- because I represent the the kind of woman who loves WHOLE FOODs and MILOS.

so there.

****addendum: For the record, I prefer organic snacks, like home-made toys, and am always up for a bargain, even on toothpaste. I just can't be that GOOD all the TIME. that's all, in case I offended anyone:)

for a fews hours, all was right in the world

last saturday was beautiful here. i mean, soul-cleansing beautiful. at some point I looked at josh and said, I am so happy today. he said, "me, too"...and we were both like, "huh..."

so the day continued in flower planting and haning our PORCH swing- which has been utter delight for an entire week now. it felt so good to be outside, hands in dirt.

the night before we went to a party for some friends who were getting married. we laid on hammocks and drank japanese beer and ate sushi and laughed. there was some peace, shalom.

I know one day this season of life will make more sense. This season, where there were more questions than answers. when the brick wall bruised me one to many times. when prayers were scant. frustrations high. I think God gave josh and I a break from it all last weekend. He gave us peace for a fleeting moment. It makes us brave for the next thing- because there is always a next thing.

i used to think I had alot of answers. i used to think there were very particular ways to act, communicate, that believing in Jesus looked a certain way. I am pretty sure I thought I was better than most people. I am sorry for that.

this year has changed me, and if took this year, this hell of a year...then, I am thankful. I think i love people better now. I am on the slow road to redemption, too.

redemption

it took me 3 years at seminary to figure out that God has come to redeem ALL of creation, "as far as the curse is found". Well, our little house was broken little place. It still is, but it's being made beautiful, one bit at a time.

saturday morning

another long week at the jared household. it is quite the journey josh and i are on. sometimes i feel like we are in the middle of a very steep climb up a very tall mountain. you know, the kind of pain you experience where all you can do is think about is the next step, or maybe if i just threw up it would feel better, the kind of pain where you forget you are actually climbing this mountain with SOMEBODY- that's too much to take in. in the moment, it's me and the hill- and my occasional thought of- it would feel better just to quit.

and then I have a saturday morning, where I pick up a book that josh is reading which, by the way, is REALLY GOOD, and I realize I have this person in my life, this mysterious person who is my husband, walking up this same gigantic hill- and well, I just realize, I am not alone.

josh has been harping all year on how gnostic we are. "we", as in christian "we". we pay little attention to the connection of physical and spiritual. despite that our whole faith rests on a God- MAN, we toss our bodies aside and assume its the interior life only that matters to God.

I am slowly getting this. I am getting the connections between the physical me and the spiritual me. when I kneel to pray, there is something inside me that kneels. when i throw my fist in the air to God, my heart curses, too. when my body fails me, my spirit is wounded.

I am feeling this more than ever these days. I have been so healthy my whole life. I hardly EVER get sick. My body has just mostly done what its supposed to do. textbook. until now. I join the chorus of sarai and hannah and rachel and elizabeth. I cry drunken prayers.

I probably have been gnostic most of my life- but when life breaks down and wombs are closed, something awakens, a connection is realized. I don't know the mystery here. I don't understand it- but it's there, and I find it hopeful and quite beautiful.

*****

a less poetic update.... I had another test this week that showed one blocked fallopian tube. aside from the fact that the test hurt like HELL, this was GOOD news. Josh and I have a consulation with a fertility specialist in one week. For the non-medical types out there, ovaries basically alternate every month releasing an egg, so if you only have one good tube, then your chances are already cut in half. Also, I learned this week, that most women have a dominant "follicle"- which more or less means that one ovary does most of the egg releasing. If the dominant "follicle" is on the side with the bad tube- well, getting pregnant is even more difficult. The good news is that fertility meds can help with this and hopefully we are nearing the end of a very long year. We are really thankful to have the information we have, and we more or less know what the issue is- now we just need some help.

texas and oklahoma trip

we had a great time seeing josh's side of the family this week, and some wild fun with mentos and diet pepsi. are our nieces adorable?