re: four letter words

this is one of those subjects where i seemingly get to make up the rules for myself, but everyone else should adhere to a fairly strict use of proper language at all times, which means, keep your curse words to yourself. This really is something I wrestle with quite a bit. I do say curse words (gasp, I know, shocking). However, I do have this law loving side of me that says, bad words= bad person. but i also have this let's be real part of me that says, well, sometimes the four letter word, whichever suits your fancy, is the only one that fits a given situation. what a conundrum.

i think there is something to be said for manners. for taking into consideration your audience. that maybe not laying out one's display of colorful four letter words could be a way of being selfless, loving, God forbid, polite.

and then sometimes, that forbidden word may be the most loving thing you could say.

either way, words matter, they say something about us whether we like it or not, and i think that there is some wisdom in considering the virtue, or lack thereof, of the beloved curse word.

listen, i can be as fundagelical as the next guy. it's alot easier to fool myself into thinking that if I do x,y, and z, then i'm all right with jesus. this is bad.

but to think jesus doesn't care about words, and how i use them, seems foolish, too. for a man who cared so much about man's heart, and used his own words to break ours, well...it just seems like words our connected to what's inside us...and jesus had alot to say about that.

all that to say, sometimes i say shit. and then sometimes, i am sorry for it.

to share, or not to share?

this is a wierd thing to post, and i am not even sure that i will when its all said and done, but it is a big, gigantic part of life right now, and to not write seems weird, too. so the subject is about a baby, and how we are not having one, yet. i have never been a dreamy kind of person. i don't know if i was born with old genes that saw the world all distorted way before i should have, but i have never expected things to just happen "as they ought". I suppose I have expected some rejection and failure along the way. This is life, right. I am growing in this, or should i say out of this, slowly. trying to see the beauty and hope in things. but this, this baby thing, or lack of a baby thing, is a real drag. and this is where it gets weird. does everyone really want to know about all your failed attempts at making a baby? i suppose not, nor do i particularly want to recount them to you, o world of blog. But, but, but....many of you are my friends and family, and you should know, this is hard. really hard.

so, if you are of the praying kind. you can pray for us. even as i write this, i am overcome with something akin to holy laughter. i mean, really, you have to admit that i am, in essence, asking you to pray that a certain sperm might meet a certain egg, preferably soon, and well....that is just weird. but it's real.

and if this seems taboo, for some of my more "mature" readers, please forgive me. just think of it as science.

vanity.

i got a new haircut today. pardon my weird facial expression. 

sigh.

this has been a crazy month, so the posting has been light. sorry. i really don't even know where to start, as so many things seemed to have happened, yet not to me, per se. A good friend had a baby, and then her dad passed away suddenly. another good friend lost his brother. my grandmother got injured at Lowe's because some punk wasn't paying attention and dropped something on her. isn't that just crazy? she's ok, but still? and then my dear friend from work, just three weeks ago, noticed a lump on her neck. She started chemo yesterday for Hodgkins Lymphoma. she had not felt sick. nothing, and then a dr. tells you are sick. really sick. crazy. really crazy, i say. so I was with her yesterday, along with some other friends of hers, as they pushed 20 cc's of red chemo into her port. that was wild. the nurse said the drug would burn your skin if you touched it. I am a nurse, but that was...well, it was strange. but... my friend is brave and unafraid and is going to fight this with everything she is, and i love her for that. so last nite after a day in the chemo room, errands, lots of heat, and gigantic headache, i went to sleep. i dreamed about red chemo drugs all nite.