phase one.

I feel like I can confidently start writing about this, because I have a small amount of confidence that I have not had, and a long enough way to go to keep me humble. I have tried, perhaps too hard sometimes, to be honest on this blog, and share my life. so here's what's been happening...

so, around October of this past year, I slammed up against a wall.

3 years of infertility.
a move to middle america.
2 hard pregnancies.
Alopecia diagnosis
and a spiritual crisis later.

I was done. mentally. physically. spiritually.

I needed a major lifestyle change.

I had played around with weight watchers. I had joined a gym, which totally stressed me out to GET to- just wrangling the kids and getting there was enough to send me straight to the donut shop.

anyway, my point being, that I was unhappy with the way my life "felt", from the inside out. I was tired. stressed. and lethargic. and physically, I just wanted to be a better me.

so, enters phase 1.

I knew from the get go, that I HAD to get physical activity back into my life. And I knew, I KNEW, it had to be something attainable. something accessible. Something that didn't require me to transport kids in anything, to anywhere. I needed to do it every day. and I needed to sweat.

With two kids in diapers (at the time, thankfully one has graduated!), even getting the kids dressed for a walk was sketchy- and with this wild Oklahoma weather, it just wasn't something I could depend on every. single. day.

I knew, at least for phase 1, it had to be this way.

So, enters spin bike and my trusty POLAR heart rate monitor.

About 14 weeks ago, I started riding that bike every day, usually taking at least 1 day off. sometimes 2. But for 14 weeks, I have consistently hopped on my bike, and rode. and sweat. It has helped my mental state more than you know.

I wanted (and still want) all the benefits of exercising- one of them being weight loss- but phase one was not about that. If anything, I wanted to see what exercise looked like without me changing much of anything else. For me, I have learned that major overhauls last about a week for me- and this was about a major life change. I was (and am) willing to take it slow to see what actually works. What  I can keep. What I can't.

And that's where I am, as I enter phase 2.

And what's phase 2?

Dropping the poundage.

But I am not facing it with dread. Which is great! I feel like I have this great accomplishment under my belt, something I KNOW will help me in the coming months.

What I learned from phase 1 was that as much as I like those brownies in a cup (thanks, pinterest!), I can't have that every night. Or any dessert every night. I can't drink sweet tea every day. If I am honest, which I am trying to be, I was doing this more than I care to admit.

I also just can't have cookies and cakes around. I just eat them. they are too good. I have weak when they are near. I am powerless in their presence. and that is not an exaggeration.

So phase 2 will be a work in progress. Learning what I can have and what I can't.

I am keeping my coffee with the hazelnut creamer. just so you know.

I don't know if I'll try and sneak something small in each  day, or have one cheat day a week and eat as I wish- but I do promise to check in several months from now and let you know how it all went down.

What I won't be doing is telling you how to change your life. We all have lives and we all know what it takes to get through the day. People are strangely and beautifully different. I won't be telling you to give up your sugar, and never eat flour again. I'll share what is working for me, and most likely how I took the long road in getting there. For some of you, you might to do good to eat MORE brownies. Who knows, but what I do know is that food is a beautiful thing to be enjoyed, and phase 2 is about getting that right. at least right for me.

I am ok with it being long, as long as I get there.

I'm gonna get there.

I don't know what phase 3 is, but I think it has something to do with God. but we'll see when we get there.

thanks for letting me share.

in the trenches.

Friday night, I woke up with a stomach ache. The kind where you know it doesn't end well. I fought it off for the night, but surrendered in the morning. The rest of the day was a phenergan induced haze.

kind of.

Annie had succumbed to the same bug as me. She was feverish and listless.

I knew, it was only a matter of time before.

we. all. fell. down.

And we have, one by one. Last night, sweet Millie moaned all night, that little tummy of hers giving fits.

Josh came home today. the last man standing. but not anymore.

I feel tired. like we are in trenches. And yet I know deeply that we are lucky. that it will pass.

I used to dream about shaping the minds and hearts of my young babes.

but honestly, most days it feels like management. We are moving from one meal, to one potty, to another activity. throw a time-out in there and some serious mommy frustration. Is it bed time yet?

but then it IS bedtime, and annie looks at me as we "rock, rock"..

"mommy, I had a good day with you."

sigh.

me too, girl. me, too.

learning what works.

I am sitting at my computer, while my kids are playing together. Is this happening?

It is.  And it's mostly because I laid down my agenda. I don't say that to brag. I didn't do it happily.

I did it, because my agenda kept failing. It kept voices louder and angrier.

It just wasn't working.

So, every morning I race to drink my coffee, and end up irritated because the kids are hungry. Gah, seriously?

Then I force Amelia to take a nap so I can get my workout in. This involves 20 minutes of screaming, me being frustrated, etc..

Then I hop in the bike, and Annie has to  potty. or needs a new tv show. or wants a snack. and then she starts yelling. wakes sister up.

I'm angry.

Then I have about 25 minutes to get dressed, packed up, and get to whatever event we are headed to.

I am totally defeated, and it's only 9:30.

So, yesterday, I surrendered.

Today, I fed everyone, and THEN drank my coffee.

win.

Then I decided that the exercise will come later. I don't know when, but it will be later.

So instead, the girls are playing. giggling. noone is yelling.

win.

I hear Amelia getting sleepy. So now she will sleep, and I will  take my time getting ready.

win.

so far, noone has been yelled at. I am at peace.

and there you go.

I am a slow learner.

once upon a time

I had a blog, and felt like writing on it.

We've been enjoying this super mild winter, which I am not complaining about one iota. I am sure we have some cold days ahead (um, like tonight), but all in all, it's been a sunny, balmy winter.

we're good around here. not getting enough sleep. trying to parent, sleep train, engage these little brains in something other than media. Trying to eat healthy and exercise. trying to engage our hearts in the supernatural. trying to mindful of our faults. be forgiving.

I feel lucky and frustrated.

I feel thankful to be seeing freedom in my life, where there has always been shackles.

I am seeing that Tulsa was where God wanted me. to set me free.

Who knew. who ever knew.

a little crazy

it's been a crazy week here.

music class.
school.
two work nights for mama.
annie's first ballet class!
one sleepless night for millie.

but it's all worth it, of course.

I get a whole weekend with Josh this weekend. sans kiddos!!!!

movie. dinner out. sleeping in.

is this really happening?

better late than never: just write.

*written in linkage with just write

I should start this off by saying I just ate like half of a chocolate chip bundt cake to compensate for the bedtime madness I just endured. It was epic.

I should also share that Annie is 85% potty trained. I don't reward her the entire 100% because I occasionally put her in a pull-up to avoid situations I don't feel like dealing with, and so she of course enjoys the convenience. so whatever, that's how we roll.

I read my first parenting book- it was about sleep. I was actually impressed. with myself and the book. I am not sure we can pull it off- but I am glad to have the knowledge stored away, and hopefully we'll figure out some happy medium.

or hopefully the almost one year old will start taking a decent nap. and stop waking up at nite. and all that stuff.

So, we are on the Catholic path, and it's been really good and renewing. With that said, the #1 thing all my protestant people get freaked about is MARY. MARY!!!! Don't worship her!!!! yikes! 

So, no fear, this isn't happening. but I do have a funny story.

There is statue of Mary holding baby "jejus" on the way to Annie's church class. So , Annie LOVES Mary, all of sudden. Totally taken with her.

Well, the next day, I got to be "mary's" sit in. All Day, I was MARY. I was never momma. Annie stayed in character ALL DAY LONG. Even as she closed her eyes to go to sleep, Annie said. "night, night Mary".

And Millie was santa. go figure.

So, the stories are starting, which is exciting for me. To tell this crazy beautiful story of redemption to my little girl. And, I for one, am glad she is taken with Mary. I mean, this is the Mother of God for crying out loud. This humble teenage girl, of no social merit, was given a seat of honor in the grand story of redemption. I think her story is worth knowing, and celebrating.

so, yeah, Mary isn't such a bad thing for Annie to want me to be. I could only hope that I have an ounce of her humility.

and there you go.

I just wrote.

36. new year.

providence would have that I start my new year, at a new age, which is kind of nice.

last year, we were introduced to the sweetest little girl, our baby girl amelia. I can tell my heart had come a long way when I held amelia for the first time. The fear had subsided- that trepidation I had with Annie. I was able to melt easily into this little newborn sweetness. It was a profound experience to have my heart multiply with love for another human being- it seemed impossible, and yet it was so easy. Crazy to think that God loves us that way, with each new creation, he loves again, again. and again.

last year also introduced me to life with 2 young children, which was deeply challenging. Life with one is an adjustment, but life with 2 is a death in many ways. There was always a need before me, and mine generally went unnoticed. This taught me much of God's sacrificial love, that it is in his very nature to love us this way. He doesn't do with the burden of a sinful heart- but out of his very essence.

The end of the year brought a major fight between Josh and I, that has proved to be completely worth it:) I bought a spin bike in October,  and have been training on it for about 10 weeks, at least 5 days a week. This has been amazing for my sense of well being and overall health. Working fitness into life with children has been really difficult for me, but with this bike, I can hop on, start my heart rate monitor, and burn over 400 calories in 30 minutes. I make music mixes using my spotify account and pretty much have my own little solo spin class every day!

And then of course, Josh's tumor was our little icing on the cake for end of the year. This was a scary week for us, after the news, and we are just so thankful for the good results. I was really at the end of myself for that week, filled with much fear and sadness. Just so glad it's over. Josh is doing great, and life is getting back to its crazy self. (although the crazy never really left!)

So, here we are in 2012. The first day of the new year. I'm about to hop on that bike, and get the munchkins ready for Mass. Yes, we are still on THAT path, too. It's a slow one, and one I still am treading on with caution, but I am thankful to go sit in God's presence this morning, and offer my doubts, my heart to the one who handle it.

thanks for reading this blog, kind readers. Who knew I would end up writing on this thing for 8 years?

happy. new. year.