twine ball: just write

just write

I do not handle adversity well. I get mad at it, actually.

I mean, I can write pretty and poetic about it. but really, I am just plain bad at it.

really, it annoys me that I am a single parent right now. My dear husband just had a tumor cut out of him, and last week I was hanging on for dear life- and this week, I am like- really, I have to take the trash out?


not to mention the gazillion times I got out of bed last night with amelia.
I mean, really, I could write this entire blog post in italics because I am just being that ridiculous.


But I dig deep and find the mercy and try to hold on to that. I forgive myself- because I depend on the fact I am indeed forgiven.

I don't know what happened when I turned 30, but no one told me that the unraveling starts there. that slow untwisting of the twine. And if the unraveling weren't threatening enough, you actually drop the twine and it unrolls across the kitchen floor. You spend the next 5 minutes rolling that ball up again.

I guess that's what I am doing. Getting my twine in order. after an epic unraveling last week.
I am here sitting on my kitchen floor, making a twine ball.

this is free writing, in case I lost you on the whole twine ball thing.

anyway. I would rather be doing something else. something easy.

My 20's were spent with glorious notions of a life I only dreamed about. they were awesome.

dreams are good. I still have a few.

But My 30's have taught me the real lessons.

loss. fragility. compassion. empathy. love. vulnerability.

I am still bad at adversity. I hope next time I stare it in the face, I will not be so cowardly.

I hope I will hear God better. You know, like the way he always had to hound Israel.

"remember when? remember this. and remember that? that was because I loved you." (the brooke jared abbreviated version)


but for now. I have two words for you.


twine ball.

what a difference a week makes

 My house is so quiet right now I can hear the bubbles fizzing in my diet dr. pepper can. The kiddos are josh's parents until tomorrow. I've been helping Josh along at home, though I am happy to report to you that he is doing fantastic.

I still feel a bit stunned by the emotional drama of the past two weeks. It is not an easy thing to be given a list of possible scenarios, only one of which was desirable. I had moments where I thought things would be ok, but then- as I feel like I have mentioned, the air would just get knocked out of me. and then tears.

I know for certain that I was only held up (and Josh, too), by your prayers.

I wanted to share a little bit about Josh's surgeon. He is very good. I had worked with him some when I worked in surgery, and I knew that he was the one who needed to operate on Josh. He is not a warm and fuzzy guy, but he is kind enough, and professional, with a bearable ego.

The day after Josh's surgery, Dr. H went and spoke with Josh. (Josh was in too much pain the day before). He told Josh that he prayed before his surgery, and was blown away at how easy the tumor was to resect. He told Josh that the way his tumor presented and was able to be removed was "a blessing from God".

I appreciate that in a surgeon. He, and we, knew this could have been much different.

We have much to be thankful for. If you prayed for us, please know we are forever in your debt.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Brooke

a thousand seconds: just write

* written for just write.

longest week of my life.

every sentence he uttered would trail off into a thousand seconds.

"is that the last time I will hear him like this, again?....Will it all be different? Is life as we know it changing this fast? I'm not ready. I'm not strong enough. I don't want this life without him."


tumor. spine. probably benign. may not be. life changing surgery. neuro deficits. chemo. radiation.

these were the things we were told.

I functioned. I changed the poopy diapers. I cried on my spin bike. I drank a lot of coffee. I burst into tears in the middle of a delivery at work.

it comes, and goes. the grief of the unknown.

I sit here, in this ICU room.

he can barely move. it hurts like hell. I see this.

and he's ok. he is totally ok.

that tumor in a jar somewhere. the haunting, gone.

I know. I know. I am lucky. We are lucky. spared.

The Lord had mercy.

The Lord had mercy.

The Lord had mercy.

grateful

I wish I could say that I handled this week with grace and unwavering faith, but I cannot.

I was scared, sad, speechless, at times gasping for any kind of air to fill my lungs.

I desperately wanted to believe that we would be ok, but I struggled to believe it.

We asked everyone to pray for specific things, and they all were answered. Today, the surgeon was able to remove Josh's entire spinal tumor. The pathology was benign. And Josh seems to be neurologically fine.

I am still kind of in a state of shock.

So, I am sitting here in the dark of the neuro intensive care unit. Josh is doped up on some serious pain meds, and I am humbled by the gift we were given today.

Thank you for praying for Josh.

almost there

I can safely say this has been the hardest week of my life. I don't feel overly dramatic here, and I am prone to drama. But the scenarios, worry, and concern that having been swirling around in my heart have been unbearable at times. And then, out of the blue, a sense of calm will come over me. The worry will cease, and life seems almost normal for that moment.

I guess more than anything I wanted to thank everyone for their words, comments, emails, and prayers. We have felt them. I am certain it is the only thing that has kept me from being buried under a mound of pillows this week.

I wanted to share some encouraging things this week, just the small ways that God has given us encouragement.

- this surgery lands at the beginning of two big breaks for Josh. If all goes well, Josh essentially misses two weeks of school, which is mostly semester review and finals.
-One of josh's good friends from Birmingham has had a laminectomy in recent years and was an encouragement to Josh.
- One of Josh's coworkers has a husband who just recently (like a few weeks ago), also had a laminectomy. He is doing well at home.
-Josh's nurse for his pre-admission testing shared with him how her mother had a spinal tumor removed and was doing great and pain-free.
- One of my coworkers also shared of a family member who had a spinal cord tumor removed last year, and is doing well.
***we've gone our whole lives never hearing of this and to have 2 people share their experience is wonderful.
- December is a 3 paycheck month for me! This is encouraging, because I am essentially taking the next two weeks off without pay. I used up all of my vacation time having Amelia this year- so again, if all goes as planned, then this month should look fairly "normal" for us.

I suppose the biggest encouragement to me is seeing Josh be so brave. He has had a difficult week, too, but he has seemed so calm and at peace the last couple of days. It helps me stay focused.

Pray for us this weekend, as we clean and get organized for the week to come.

Also pray for Mille and me- Were are going on two straight weeks of an EPIC cold. The amount of snot my body has produced is truly note worthy:) This isn't helping matters, and we all need to be well this week.

keep praying.

Brooke

some news

This is more of an informational post than anything.

I'm going to keep it brief, because I am way too emotional right now and there is no way to keep that from bleeding into a long post.

We found out Friday that Josh has a spinal tumor in the L1 portion of his spine. This is the lowest part of the spine.

Josh has had back pain for about a year, and through some follow-up appt's, had an MRI about a month ago. We were told it was a spinal cyst, that it needed attention, but not to be alarmed.

Well, it's not a cyst, it's a fairly large tumor. However, the dr. DOES think he can remove it entirely and he DOES think it most likely benign.

this is good news.

So, Josh is having surgery on Nov 21.

We are praying for:
- complete removal/ and benign
- no/minimal neuro deficits
- no infection

I don't think I will be posting much until we are on the other side of this surgery. As you can imagine, we are shaken, but not beat down. (although, I certainly feel like it at some moments)

Josh is doing great and is being strong and brave. I am probably not doing much to bolster his confidence with my incessant crying. I bawled throughout my entire spin cycle workout this morning, just to give you an idea of my emotional state.

Josh has had to weather some scary stuff with me. When Annie was barely alive at birth and I was unconscious- he had the scariest decision he had ever faced. Do I stay- or go the with new baby? He went with Annie, because that is what you do- but that was not easy.

This is not easy, either.

I have never been one to memorize lots of scripture. I always felt the Bible read more like a story, and to take it apart out of its context, I don't know, It took some of the beauty out of it for me.

However, I did memorize Psalm 139 when I was in college, because it is just so beautiful, and reads like it was written by angels.

Last night, when I was in bed, I can't explain it, but  those words just flooded over me, like they were being sung to me by angels.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

   Or where shall I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

⁹If I take the wings of the morning

   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

¹⁰even there your hand shall lead me,

   and your right hand shall hold me.

¹¹If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,

   and the light about me be night,"

¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;

   the night is bright as the day,

   for darkness is as light with you.

 ¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a] Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

thank you in advance for your prayers. I promise to update when we are on the other side of this surgery.

on the eve of entering in.

it's not but two weeks away, and we'll be totally engulfed by the holiday madness. I feel myself tense up inside.

I want to love it. feast in the season of waiting and then giving.

I want it to be like a story book.

I want to not worry about who wants what, but give with thoughtfulness and love. and gratitude.

I want to say- you matter. So I thought you might enjoy this.

I work at this every year- but the last few have felt so overwhelmed with life.

In 2008, I had a 10 day old. Who came with much drama. I bought no one, anything. I was barely coherent.

In 2009, We traveled home to Georgia. It was better, I was definitely feeling more like myself, I had started a wonderful new job.

The day after Christmas, Annie started losing her hair. Everything else is fuzzy.

In 2010, I had a two year old, and I was 7/8 months pregnant with Amelia. I was still daily throwing up, like it was my favorite past time. The year had taken its toll.

I was in no mood to feast.

In 2011, I am praying for little drama, and more life, wonder, and hope.

Annie has gotten that glimmer in her eye- the one that loves make believe, and surprises, and birthday cake. I love this age (minus the tantrums).

Amelia just giggles at it all. and well, I have much to be grateful for.

so much.

So, I wait for it and hope I don't miss it all for fear of getting lost in it.

I get so overwhelmed at what I can't do, you know.

and then I get equally overwhelmed with what I CAN.

I am reminded of Mother Theresa.

If you can't feed 100. Feed one.

I hope, among our feasting, that we will live this reality of generosity. That we will see this season as an chance to feed one.

I know I drifted off there. ( I have that whole "I was hungry and you didn't feed me" thing on my mind lately.)

It relates.

Anyway, I am pretty sure  that ended up sounding like a Hallmark card.

oh well.

terra ferme: just write.

*written in linkage with just write!

My experience of our recent earthquake was something akin to the Madeline story that I read to Annie.

"In the middle of one night, Miss Clavell turned on the light and said "something is NOT RIGHT!....

And afraid of disaster, Miss Clavell ran FAST and FASTER!"

So yes, the other night night, as I lay in what can only be described as a nyquil induced coma, I heard something roar like a lion, and before I could sit straight up in bed, and I do mean STRAIGHT UP, the house started shaking. like crazy shaking. Josh and I darted in some sleep crazed sprint to each of the girls' bedrooms. I found Annie on her knees with a big grin on her face.

I exclaim, " are you ok???" (house still shaking).

Annie says, " I, ok!"

I lay her down, realizing I have no idea what is really happening. Am I in a nyquil dream? Can I press rewind? I think I am shaking. I look at my hands, I am. 

My heart is shaking too. I walk my shaky legs back to my bed. My eyes hurt.

I look at Josh. 

"that was crazy."

and then I did what any post-earthquake victim would and should do.

Must. write. witty. Facebook. update. 

I am thinking, this thing needs to get documented.

So, me and every other Tulsan, jumped on their smart devices and exclaimed in sleep crazed post-earthquaked words that they hath been shaken.

It seemed that as quickly as the earth rolled under me, it stood still and silent again.

So, having properly documented this historic event, I remembered how sick I actually was,

and I closed my eyes.

I woke up thankful, because though the earth rolling underneath you for the first time feels quite profound, we were left un-cracked, so to speak- but such an event gives one a healthy respect for how quickly life can change. The earth and its rumbles have a way of squaring you up with the Creator of All.

I am small. and things change fast. I am always at the mercy of God's grand mysteries.

They come quietly, and sometimes violently. and I don't claim to understand them at all.

Sometimes they make you marvel and gaze in wonder.

Sometimes they make you weep, and only utter the words. 

"Lord, come quickly."

This morning, I live in the vast space of those two extremes. The rain falls,  life is quiet, minus a few runny noses. We are lucky to live in such a space, this I know for sure. I remind myself to savor, because I know, I know, that the grass withers and the flowers fall. eventually.

our lives ebb and flow in between these great mysteries. these great extremes.

and so we wait, as only we can do. and find rest where God has given his quietness.

Just write: when all the wells run dry.

written in participation with "just write"- mash HERE.

I don't even know what that title means, but it's a free writing exercise, and that's what life feels like most days.

like the well, just might run dry.

but then sleep churns up water from the deep, and it's 6am, coffee cup in hand.

I'm awake. alive. breathing.

I dropped Annie off at school this morning, and the little one and I went shopping.


I avoided every mirror that I could, because I had no make-up on. I thought I was pulling off that "messy- cute" look, but one glance in the mirror at the GAP, and well- I was starting to feel more afraid that I might be ambushed for some mommy- makeover.

I thought for a few seconds that I might spend some money on looking trendy, but I don't really have enough money to pull that off.

I'll go classic.

classic always works, right?

 I sure hope classic is three long sleeve t-shirts for 12.00 each, because, that's what I bought.

I then found my way over the jewelry section of Dillards.

I shall bling things up a bit, I thought. You know, dress those little t-shirts up.

I found some of those long droopy pearls- you know, the ones you can tie in a knot, or wrap around your head a few times.

I thought about it for a long time. decided I needed them, and then looked at the price tag.

68.00

what the hell?

I am clearly not grounded in fashion reality.

These are fake, right?

My mind immediately reminds me of why I always shop at Target.

My wells (and pockets) are too dry for all this fashion mumbo jumbo.

So I went home, put on some make-up, and played with my little person.

My wells may run dry, but that is ok.

they are (hopefully) making beautiful human beings.

my wells may run dry.

but my cup runneth over.