long october

this month has been so busy. lots of weekends away. lots of work. i miss being here, on my little blog, spilling my heart and soul.

truth be told, my heart feels pretty tired. tired of longing for things that just don't seem to happen. tired of hoping. tired of being disappointed by friends, my church, myself. sometimes i feel like i am working so hard to create something that all the beauty gets lost in the fight. maybe it's just that beauty is worth too much to come easy.

and the fear. what if something happens to josh. what if this or that. i think about these things more, and it overhwhelms me. i do long for heaven more and more- when we won't always have to fight back the tears. where people will be nice. when i will be nice.

until then, as i hear josh say so many times- have mercy on me, o God.

mom and addison

got my mac

i got my mac. i love it.

i'll be honest-i have been avoiding the blog. i've had alot of my mind. alot of questions. alot of frustrations. i am all over the map in my head.

i am pretty frustrated with conflict and church and general messiness. i get caught up in romantic notions that life doesn't have to be as messy as it is. that we can do the right things. that God will honor our dutiful hearts, if only we bite the bullet and do what is right. sometimes i feel like we use our brokeness as an excuse to live without caution, thought, consequences. but i know this is not alltogether true. maybe not true at all. but it still frustrates me.

and being honest- i am having a hard time with this one, too. it's hard to put yourself out there. have an opinion. offer an apology, communicate about something difficult- it opens one up to conflict. messiness. maybe even silence. if I am really honest, i hate all these things. because i can't fix it. i can't do anything to make myself feel more comfortable. i have to live and breathe the tension of life in community.

the good thing is that i know i need jesus. and sometimes words to song, become my prayer.

a pierce pettis morning prayer.


When you start to doubt if you exist
God believes in you
Confounded by the evidence
God believes in you
When your light burns so dim
When your chances seem so slim
And you swear you don’t believe in Him
God believes in you

When you rise up just to fall again
God believes in you
Deserted by your closest friends
God believes in you
When you’re betrayed with a kiss
You turn your cheek to another fist
It does not have to end like this
God believes in you

Oh everything matters if anything matters at all
Everything matters no matter how big
No matter how small
Cause God believes in you
Oh God believes in you

When you’re so ashamed that you could die
God believes in you
And you can’t do right even though you try
God believes in you
Blessed are the ones who grieve
The ones who mourn, the ones who bleed
In sorrow you sow but in joy you reap
God believes in you

Blessed are the ones who grieve
The ones who mourn, the ones who bleed
In sorrow you sow but in joy you reap
God believes in you
Oh God believes in you

beach

we're at the beach this weekend. it's beautiful. people are swimming in the ocean. we've been riding bikes and laughing. this blog is getting so boring. i promise my brain will return. someday.

brain, hurting.

I almost blew my computer up today. I have a lot of photo work and an ever slowing computer to do it with. the good news is a i am getting a new computer, soon.

i hear once you go mac, you never go back.

that's where I am heading.

anyone have a decent photo printer? I need something to print contact sheets on. I want it to look decent, but I am not really up for a 500.oo photo printer? I would love some feedback.

I am going to the mountains this weekend, with my dearest friends. I will not be on this stupid computer. but i will take photos.

why do I have a feeling i will be dreaming of photo editing tonite.

brooksie, out.