courage

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage- Brene Brown

I know Brene Brown is all the rage, and I have been meaning watch one of her TED talks when I have the time, and I actually did start the other day, but got distracted. I did hear this quote, though, and I have been thinking about it  a lot, because vulnerability, though you would think I would be comfortable with it given my claim to such a life on this blog- in actuality terrifies me, and is something I am only beginning to really face.

and the idea that it could be courage, to stand in the face of vulnerability and wade in its waters, its scary, unknown, naked waters, and call it courage and not fear.

well, that's just a bit mind blowing to me.

Something happened to me when I had my girls. It actually started when I married Josh, but it exploded with my offspring.

This notion of love. love that is deep and vulnerable.

The love that feels like my heart may never not ache again at the mere thought of losing them.

It's in those vulnerable moments, when I am gasp, can hardly take in a breath, and I wonder if all this love is worth that feeling.

love much means the possibility to lose much. 

and that is vulnerable.

and to do it anyway? 

courage?

that's empowering.

maybe, just maybe I don't have to be so scared to love these people.

there is another piece to this, and I am not familiar enough with Brene Brown to know about her spiritual background. 

But for me, such courage would only find it's possibility in Christ.

In God's own love for me. 

In God's own vulnerable moment, in letting Christ die.

"so that I may never more call their sins to mind" (Hebrews 10:17)

Anyway, I wading and pondering, yall. trying to rest in vulnerability as courage not weakness, and asking Jesus to help me.

3/52

the wisdom of a child, broken trees.

Today Annie was looking out the window, and said. 

"God doesn't like the trees with no leaves. The trees are broken and have no leaves. It's a broken tree world".

I have never said a word to her about such a thing, but there was something deep down in her that knows that things are meant for life.

I use the word broken a lot, but I have actually guarded that word with Annie, trying to protect an unblemished world for her as long as I can. Some may say that is stupid, but these days, where the unseen seems so real to her, I pray will aid her down the road when the world is all too real. I pray she will lean into that time when the unseen was just as the real as the seen. She won't have such a difficult time hanging on to a God that she can't see.

And yet, her little soul. Her little cheerful, song filled soul looks at the trees with their bare branches, and knows.

the wisdom of a child.

2/52

We had such a great, relaxing weekend. Monday came, it always does. But Sunday will pretty nice. And these girls. so sweet. most of the time.

1/52

I am excited to be participating in this project: 52 a portrait a week. 

1/52

Millie: This picture says it all. Your little personality is saying HELLO to the world.

Annie: The sweetness is your eyes is something to behold. Here you are, a sweet little "magi", giving me (Mary, of course, holding baby "jejus") a cupcake.

hello 2013.

no one told me that my 30's would bring the creeping anxiety. There has been enough bad news over the past month to make me crawl in a hole. Never drive. Never let me kids leave the house. you get it. you know it, too. If you are living, you know it.

But you can't stay there, I know I can't. How people get to that is different, but for me, it's faith in something that is bigger than me. It's waking up, and believing that God loves me. That whatever comes our way, we can held by His love.

I don't know how you get there when your baby gets shot by a mad man, or your wife gets killed in the car you were driving. Or you get the "news" that changes everything.

For us, it's a tumor the size of a pea, that for the most part is causing no problems at all, and may never cause a problem at all.

but it's the knowing, that something doesn't belong.

but the cracks in all our lives are filled with this. the knowing.

Sometimes it is more acute than others. For me, the last few weeks have been that way.

I ask God, when I am brave enough, "why?" Why so much pain? Why am I so scared?

I feel the weight of the world piling on, and then I remember- the weight is on Him.

This is a mystery.

But I am letting Him have it.

at least I am going to give it a good try.