thankful

One thing I have not been so great at in the last months is gratitude. I have been fairly self consumed, ever so needy, and tired- on all fronts. This is has been a hard season. I can hear the laughs- all the way from Tulsa. The laughs- saying, Brooke, you have no idea.

And perhaps I don't. Just like I don't really understand how much I will love Annie. That's grace, I think- that we can't wrap our minds around how difficult something would be, or how beautiful something might be until we are right smack dab in the middle of it.

If I had known before we ever wanted a family, that it would take almost three years, and then my pregnancy would totally wipe me out to boot. I would never have made it. But I did, we did- because of grace- and though I would not have chosen this path- it was the path we were lead on, and it, like all journeys, has changed me- in ways, I certainly cannot articulate yet.

So, though this will be a quiet Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the quiet to remember what led us here.

I am thankful that after what seems like forever, we are going to be holding a little girl in our arms very soon. I am thankful for the softness this has brought to my heart already, the tears that flow so much easier than they have in years. I am thankful for the friends who traveled to see me, for family who have done the same. I am thankful for the job I had here waiting for me-even though it challenged me. I am thankful that the hard work is letting me be home right now, and resting, and waiting. I am thankful for Annie's kicks and thugs- her ability to always let me know she is HERE with us. I am thankful for Josh- who has had to carry such a heavy load. For his cooking and cleaning and tireless love. 

So, yes- I am thankful. Those words are not always easy, and sometimes hard to find- but they are there, and I feel them beneath all the struggle.

Happy Thanksgiving.