new, weird things.

So, I struggle with how much to share here sometimes. I share, because it makes me feel better- and I genuinely feel like we are not alone in our struggles- and things I read help me in all kind of ways. anyway....

So Tulsa, and particularly my new job has been causing me a good deal of anxiety. ok, really its my new job. the one I have been at for all of two days.

I hate being the new person. The person who doesn't know how to find the bathroom, much less the operating room. I want the double doors to open, and there to be smiling faces all around me- but you know, people are just doing their jobs, and I am one of a million new faces- and well, I just don't matter THAT much. 

I am also a do gooder- and I was ready to be trained two weeks ago. I don't like not knowing things, feeling  uncertain of my place, not knowing how it will all work out. I don't like that at all.

And on top of that, my whole world will be changing in a few months. Every time I go THERE, I just feel like I am about to unravel. How can I take on so many new things? 

And what I really want, deep deep down, is to be home. to do my photography. but that takes time, too- and I am obviously not there yet.

So, I stew. I wonder. I look to Josh and he tells me hang in there, we'll get a plan. I look to Jesus, to help me not fear the world.

josh and jesus. what a combo.