just saying

not loving the swimsuit fashion this year. just ordered one from JCREW that I am sure I will send back.

and I totally bought a pair of shorts today from the GAP that are "roll up". what is the world coming to?

well, gotta go find my cassette tape with "young love" by the Judds. I mean, if we're gonna bring back the early 90's, let's bring it ALL back.

just saying.

a bit of good news

Annie's visit to Arkansas was approved by our insurance! And we have an actual case manager- a human being- we can talk to about ongoing care. so. utterly. thankful.

now off to buy my one year old some Rogain. two phrases I never thought I would use in the same sentence.

tide is rolling in.

no, I am no talking about Alabama football. that is one Southern phenomenon, I do not care a hill of beans about.

but that's because I am from Georgia. we're of the dawg variety.

but this wasn't really supposed to be about football.

this week, like high tide, making it's way to my toes- has been the South. on my heart. in my bones.

for the most part, I do ok. we have more blessings than we can bundle up in our arms and carry. But, I can't shrug off that feeling of being a desert pilgrim. and just wanting to be home.

I blame it on the Indigo Girls. I listened to their Austin City Limits version of "three county highway". I was immediately transported to somewhere outdoors. windows down. Rural, pine tree filled road. Music playing. Boiled peanut stand on the side of the road. Cotton fields. and peace. heaps and heaps of peace.

I'll be here as long as God wants us here. This I know. but a girl can dream.

and hope.

now, go listen to that song.

home

well, that was a whirlwind of a trip.

Annie's appointment went as well as it could have. The current diagnosis stands- alopecia. We're starting some new treatments, as soon as we get all the stupid insurance stuff sorted out. We'll be doing this for 6 months. Two different topical steroids and Rogaine! who knew....

I felt really great about getting some expectations hammered out. The main one being that this could take a long time. The treatments may or may not work. And she may get hair back no matter if we did the treatments or not. If she does grow her hair back, which there is evidence that she is growing new hair, it could take years.

I asked every question I could think of, and at the end felt like we had made the right decision about seeing the pediatric dermatologist. Did you know there are only a handful of pediatric dermatologists in the United States? I feel so thankful to be within driving distance to this clinic.

I am glad to have this behind us, for now. I am totally exhausted and feel like I could sleep for days. and days. and days.

thanks so much for all your kind words and emails and prayers.

deep sighs.

I woke this morning with a heaviness in my chest. I don't know if its because work was totally insane the past two nights along with the cumulative lack of sleep. and then there's the APPOINTMENT we go to tomorrow, which I imagine is at the root of the heaviness. We've been cruising along these past few weeks. In fact, one week was so beautiful, and I felt so much joy and deep contentment, I could hardly believe it was me. But now, we have this big appointment, and we may have to face the music a bit, and I just haven't been ready to deal with life for Annie without hair.

without hair, y'all.

it seems so trivial, and yet it would be this one huge thing that will no doubt be such a deep part of her identity. I can think of a million metaphors for hair, and even scripture's reference do God counting all of them on our head- this picture of such deep love and knowing. it's like He is saying- i know you so well, I know the number of hairs on your head. no one else knows that. but I do.

which brings me back to the place of total dependency. I believe, but I also cry out like the scriptures, help my unbelief.

the sky is so dark right now, and rain falls hard outside my window. it's an odd comfort.

It's days like this, that I certainly feel the curse of Eve. The pain of childbirth- that ongoing ache of loving someone so much and feeling at the mercy of so many unknowns.

and yet, even as I write, Annie is laughing at the thunder. seriously, laughing at a storm.

to have faith like a child. now that's something to be jealous about.

happy anniversary

6 years. a good man. a lucky girl.

arkansas...

So, we make our little trip to Arkansas Children's Hospital next week. I haven't written much about Annie's hair lately, because I have just been trying to practice trust and patience. And, the reality, is that with time, I just fail to notice anymore. But then, I catch a glimpse of an old picture, and I feel this tinge of sadness. I don't stay there long. It doesn't help Annie, it certainly doesn't help me.

So, she does have some peach fuzz "growing". It's not vigorous, if you can call it growth at all. she has some blond on her eyebrows, as well as some itsy bitsy short, blond eyelashes.

I suppose I may be in a bit of a denial phase. The shock has worn off. life has carried on. and I have quit thinking for the time being about a future with wigs.

Our latest drama is that currently our insurance has denied coverage for our visit to Arkansas. Even though, not one doctor we have seen has had a documented case of Alopecia in such a young child. only expletives come to mind. So, we're writing letters, getting our ADULT dermatologist to send us a referral, and getting our pediatrician to write a letter (that we were told we would have to PAY for...don't even get me started.) What is the world coming to?

So, we are going regardless, because you do what you have to do for your child. I wrote a very nice, informative, nurse-y , heavy on the medical jargon letter detailing her history, and am praying for something. The cost may be very little, but should they run tests, etc, we could be looking at a hefty bill. All that to say, it would be nice if we heard back before we left, but I have my doubts.

that's all people. it's been rainy and stormy here all week. I have been feeling a bit tired inside and out.

We went to a community group last night, and it was good. It felt like a place we could be among friends, and well, that's been a long time coming.

I suppose we all in some way or another hit walls in our pursuit of practicing spirituality. Some, perhaps, would call Josh and I a bit snobby in our pursuits of an aesthetically rich practice of worship. This may be true. I am also needy enough to know that you do what you have to do, and at the end of the day, it's about loving people well, and giving up whatever rights I feel like are mine to hold on to. holding on is incredibly exhausting.

what I do know is that the people who have made me feel the most free and loved, were those who practiced those things well. I am leaning into those examples these days.

quote happy.

I don't do well with my goodreads account- but I do love goodreads because my very bookish friends are very diligent to update their latest reads, which in turn gives me months of reading material! another thing I love about goodreads are quote sections for authors. So many times I want to write about something in a book and I don't feel like actually finding it again and then transcribing it- well, goodreads almost always comes to my rescue. This has made me a bit quote happy as of late, which may start to get annoying. just so you know.

on another random note

I awoke at 5 am to tornado sirens. these never scared me in Birmingham, but they do here. We were fine, and there was no tornado, but I am sure there will be one, and I may or may not wet my pants when it happens.

like mother, like daughter

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

this is how I found annie this morning. so chill. don't worry, we don't do this all day. but we're not afraid to, which is what I love.

thirties

my thirties have been a rite of passage.

my twenties, were just a more mature (ever so slightly) version of my teenage years. future oriented. self absorbed. wide-eyed. unafraid. longing for love and romance. ideals. fighting for some idealistic version of the truth. it was mystery and wondering and hoping and I am going to be so different than everyone else. uber sincere. authentic. perhaps even an urban hippy.

I am now 34 and I eat frozen waffles everyday for breakfast.

I drive a volvo.

and my child sits in a European car seat.

I shop for groceries at a big box store.

and the flea market kind of stresses me out with the crowds and the 30 different venders trying to sell me lettuce.

I live in a midtown suburb, and I seriously contemplate getting a yard man.

I read new york time best sellers.

I work the night shift for crying out loud.

I am unsure of current events and even more unsure of anything political.

I go to church in a very ugly building and have become increasingly unsure of what it is we are really doing.

I still have faith, I am just less dogmatic about it all.

but perhaps the rite of passage lies more in the transition of a me - centered universe to something else. a universe where people live. my child lives. a universe where it's not just about what I hope and long for, but what I actually do day in and day out. What kind of place and world I create for my child and family to live and grow. the kind of place where my child plays in a pot of dirt for an hour in sheer bliss. a place where that matters. a place where I can breathe a deep sigh of relief that there will be a feast day. hopefully many. when I will drink from the well of deep, life giving friendships. I glimpse it now, but will truly experience when all things are made new.

this makes today better. it makes all the dreams of my 20's ok in the humdrum minutia of my thirties.

I am convinced that no matter how banal some of my days feel- that these are some of the most important. I collapse from exhaustion at the end of my days. such are the days of a world where I no longer rule the roost.

I still secretly wish of being all that I dream about. I try. sometimes I do what is easy. I glimpse a bit of heaven and long for it. I glimpse my 20's every now and then and long for that, too.

but I am here. 34.

I just got my hair colored, but haven't brushed my teeth.

I'll probably let my child watch too much tv today, and I may buy something unnecessarily from China.

I'll have to forgive myself a million times today. and I'll hopefully utter one prayer.

and at the end of day I will hopefully say. this is good. this is really good.