soon

I'll be at the beach. probably wrapped in blankets, but that is ok.  

facebook

does anyone else find themselves talking in "facebook" during the day. continually updating your "status" in your head.

several times today, I thought to myself.

"Brooke is very frustrated that she left her credit card at home, before she left to do all her errands"

"brooke is loving Target"

"brooke is laughing because she just hit her head when climbing into her car"

"brooke is wierd."

anyone else? come on, you know you do it.

new toys

  It's Tuesday, and I am working late, so why not a different font?

 This weekend I got two new lenses for my camera. Friends are always asking me about cameras and lenses, and alot of the things I learned about photography came from blogs and people who shared their likes and dislikes. Lovely people like her and her. Oh and her and her.

  Anyway, what I have learned along the way, is that I mostly like to shoot with primes. "primes" are fixed focal length lenses. So what you see and is what you get. You "zoom" in and and out on your feet. I primarily use an 85mm lens (which I love for adults), and a 50 mm lens (which I love for kids). I do have a 35mm lens which offers some wide-ness, and I use it on occasion with kids as well. If you are just getting started with photography, and you happen to shoot canon, they make a 50mm lens for under 100.00. This is a great starter lens, and considered "standard" by many photographers. It gives you that nice shallow depth of field, which I love. It's also a fast lens, good for low light situations.

  Anyway, a few weeks ago I dropped my little 50mm lens walking back from  photo shoot. It hasn't worked the same since, which gave me the excuse to go ahead and get a new 50 mm lens, which is a bit nicer, more durable, faster. I haven't used it yet, but I am looking forward to it. The very cool girl who sold it to me (who shoots nikon) confessed to me that this was her favorite lens. We'll see if it will be mine.

  

  I also broke down and bought a wide angled zoom, a 10-22mm lens. I have a few projects going on where I really needed something wide. I was not all that excited about spending the money on this, as I don't really do the kind of photography that lends itself to this kind of lens- but after playing around with it in the house, I have grown to see its creative possibilities, and think I just might like it.

  And one more thing, check out this new creative blog, called shutter sisters. A great community/and collaboration of women who take photos for fun and professionally. 

I'm not

all melancholy and trekking through lonely woods ALL the time.

I do ENJOY my life, even with all of its struggles. And everyday I find myself inspired- glimpsing hope here and there.

Anyone see the Oscars? my little review---

Jon Stewart- I thought he seemed a bit nervous, but I think he did a good job.

And of course I was thrilled that Diablo Cody won best original Screen Play for JUNO.

And the lovely couple from Once performed this heartbreaking song, and then Marketa Irglova's acceptance speech for best song was simple and beautiful.

La vie en Rose won quite a few, so I'll be trying to see that one.

No country for old men still scares me, so I might pass due to my need for peaceful sleep.

Had no idea Laura Linney was up for best actress for the The Savages. I love her- one of the best.

SEE, I can be light and superficial.

happy monday.

making choices

I have seen enough in the past three years to be done with church and christians and christian schools. I have also seen enough to never be as foolish as to walk away from it all. How is this even possible? It just seems to be the case.

One day, I 'll be able to elaborate on part of this story. One day, when it's safe. It's not safe yet, so you won't be reading about it here, anytime soon. But I hope it will be told in a way that shares how deeply disappointed I was, and how Jesus found a way. It would be tragic, to be told any other way- because it would mean that I did walk away and let broken human beings and situations get the final word.

I am still in the disappointed place. And it's not one thing. There are lots of elements to this story- and many of which I have shared here. many of which I have not.

What I am leaning on is God's word and the people He keeps putting around me. They are signposts on this very frustrating trek through what most of the time feels utterly ridiculous. There are wooden posts with little etchings that say "keep going. you're not lost. It's just a really lonely part of the woods".

Did anyone see that movie "children of men". That movie was really overwhelming to me on a number of levels, but one part of the movie I really liked was that there was mostly chaos, death and disaster the entire film, but you would have the moments of serenity, with the main characters in someone's home, listening to music, and drinking tea. There was this LIFE there, and you wanted to reach into the screen and grab it, because you knew the bad stuff was coming again.

Anyway, I kind of feel like that movie, jumping from difficult thing to difficult thing- but there has been rest and hope in between. I cling to life where I find it, and in the dark I ask God, like those beautiful Psalms- how long will you hide your face from me?

It's so hard to know what you must walk through and what you must escape. What is just hard and what is toxic and needs to be run away from?

Sometimes you just have to climb up a rocky hill to see any beauty. And sometimes, there is something in the woods that will kill you, and you best move in another direction.

trying to figure out which is which is where I am.

Thankfully, (and I mean this deeply), I have a dear husband, and friends, and a place to lay my head. I have seen enough, to know this is no small gift.

city life

I love the idea of the city. The people. commerce. walking about. Proximity. Diversity.

...but in the last year we've had

-one homeless man living in our back yard.

-woke up to our neighbor yelling at his girlfriend while shooting off a gun after every few expletives (me, calling 911 lying on the floor so as not to get shot)

-one murder, at the end our street

-stolen lawn mower, weed eater.

- not to mention, the tree falling on the house.

- our neighbors cars were wrecked badly last week from a hit and run (their cars were parked)

-and suz (who lives just around the corner), poor thing, she has had too many things stolen to even recount.

I find this all very frustrating. Because I love my old house with its old floors and big front porch. I love the city sounds and so much life nearby.

But then I walk down a quiet street, elsewhere, or really get out of town- and you can hear yourself breath. and it feels like 10 tons of rocks have been lifted off my chest. and I realize how much it takes to live here sometimes. how crowded it makes my heart feel. and my head.

And then, this morning there is an asian man inspecting my back yard for scrap wood (I had already seen him looking through the pile at the bottom of the driveway). Harmless, I suppose, but it annoyed me still. Sharing my space with the city and its wandering souls.

a good story

so, others are sharing their little love story today. why not me?

One of the first times I saw Josh, he had a skull cap on, he was mowing the seminary's grass, and he had cool glasses. Josh was/is kind of a ninja. He has a way of appearing and disappearing without notice. He's there. He's not there. This is pretty much how it was for the first year of knowing him. I'd be at a party, there he would be. poof. gone. or vice versa. He wore alot of camouflage, too. Once, my friend Leslie was over at his apartment and found him in camo pants, wifebeater, lying on the floor drinking wine and eating fancy cheese. How could you NOT love that?

At any rate, mostly Josh was mysterious, cute, and quiet. and totally not interested in me.

BUT, we drank coffee at the same place. and we just so happened to discover Walker Percy around the same time. So we talked about bookish things, I discovered his voice. And then, it started, like all good relationships do, with a long drive.

Josh asked me for a ride to L'abri. We were both going for a week, his truck was really old, etc...

A week later, I dropped him off, and he called me 30 minutes later and asked if we could date.

Three months later, on christmas day, in a catholic church, He asked me to marry him. 5 months later we were married. Almost 4 years later, I can't imagine life not knowing him, which is a good thing to feel when you are married:)

Love you josh-

new digs

the blog got an ole face lift. I need to do some more, like add a dozen more links to the lovely blogs I read. sometime soon, i say.

Made it through my second week of Bible Study. Since my time at seminary, studying the Bible has been somewhat intimidating to me. This Holy book is both comforting and terrifying. Claiming things well beyond my maturity and experience- calling me to something utterly un-me.

And yet, if we are created in God's image, so much of what we fight against is the very thing we were made for. In studying 1 John, I can feel myself wrestling with something at every breath. If you claim to know God, you must obey Him. If you claim to be without sin, you are a liar. all sin. so you sin. and you should obey. and love, too- because that is the highest command. I guess that means that we always carry in us, this reality, that in all things I am a sinner. I also, carry in me the reality that Christ covers my sin, makes me able to fight against it, turn away, and God forbid- do. the. right. thing.

and not because it's "right", but because it's true.

I have found a great deal of rest in the past years in being able to sit in my uncertainty. I have felt, many times, the welcome of the Table to my doubting heart. Perhaps that Table of Repentance is doing its slow work, making me able to hear words again. words that are true. I still don't know what to do with them, and they often feel too much for me. and that's ok. One thing, I am most definitely over- is caring what others think about me. "To whom shall I go, you have the words of Eternal Life".

Most days I have no idea what the implications are to that statement, but I feel the same way. even if I wish there were a less painful way.

the professor.

I usually find Josh like this on most afternoons. He is such a nerd. and cute.

let's try this again.

what a cold and dreary week that just passed us by. Not my most stellar week. Cold plus Rain plus a buttload of hormonal type drugs = ick. I am turning the old corner, though, as the drugs have done their work- and thus the waiting begins. This week is full of friends and an appropriate amount of work and hopefully some exercise and a wee bit of hope.

oh, and the christmas tree needs to be put away. since its february.

so, if I can get my act together, I will make it to see Over the Rhine tonight. I like them because they are rockstars and live on a farm (where they grow music, as they say).

Until then there are photo orders to be put in. A Mountain of Laundry that has taken over my guestroom. the kitchen and its dishes. I wish the mundane were not SO mundane.

I should also (gulp) mention I started a bible study this weekend. It has been a long time since I have done such a thing, but it is good to be confronted (not assaulted) with words from God. We are studying 1st John, and there was plenty of mystery and truth to keep me occupied until next week.

so, here's to a better week! a less drug-induced, warmer, sunnier week. with God's help.