getting it out there (some news)

but first, a poem. a carol. 

 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

      Christmas Bells

    I HEARD the bells on Christmas Day 

    Their old, familiar carols play, 

        And wild and sweet 

        The words repeat 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

    And thought how, as the day had come, 

    The belfries of all Christendom 

        Had rolled along 

        The unbroken song 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

    Till ringing, singing on its way, 

    The world revolved from night to day, 

        A voice, a chime, 

        A chant sublime 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

    Then from each black, accursed mouth 

    The cannon thundered in the South, 

        And with the sound 

        The carols drowned 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

    It was as if an earthquake rent 

    The hearth-stones of a continent, 

        And made forlorn 

        The households born 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

    And in despair I bowed my head; 

    "There is no peace on earth," I said; 

        "For hate is strong, 

        And mocks the song 

    Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

    Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: 

    "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; 

        The Wrong shall fail, 

        The Right prevail, 

    With peace on earth, good-will to men."

We found out yesterday that Josh has another small tumor in his spine. The radiologist feels certain after reviewing the scans from last year, that the tumor has been there all along- which provides me with some comfort as it is not something "new".

The good news is that it is very small- so small it could prove difficult for the surgeon to even find it if he were to operate. He DOESN'T want to operate right now- says he wants to monitor it with scans. If he does operate eventually, the location is much safer and the surgery, in his words, "less complicated".

He told Josh to keep perspective, that this wasn't the worst case scenario kind of situation- not nearly as grave as last years situation.

Our order were to get healthier- he's already pretty healthy- but to step up the exercise and core strength- as two back surgeries would be tough on his body down the road.

So that's it. We were pretty down last night, not expecting the news at all. But all in all, we feel ok. 

I, like most of you, have felt heart broken over this past weeks tragedy.A friend posted this poem/song- and I could not find more appropriate words for the way my heart feels on every front.

But "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep, the Wrong shall fail, the Right prevail".

Thanks be to God.

you are four.

* I, like I am certain every breathing person in this country with a soul, has been deeply saddened by the events of this week. That actually doesn't even capture the emotion. Grieved, that deep in the gut sadness, is more like it. I turn on the news, that is all I feel. It's so sad, I have yet to really be able to think about comfort or God in this. I know both are to be found, but watching that sweet Dad on the news yesterday, was almost too much to handle. So, as my 4 year old woke me up at 5:50 this morning, on her birthday, it is with a sweet recognition, that her warm breathe tells me she is awake. awake.

Dear Annie,

You are four today. This day four years ago was filled with drama, and it would actually be late into the night until I would get to see your face. It was the happiest moment of my life.

You were and are tenacious. Happy, energetic. You love people, and are genuinely silly. You walk into any situation with confidence.

You totally wear me out most days. We had a hard week, let's keep this little letter real, but you have no idea the depths I am willing to fight for you.

Fight for you to learn to trust me, to obey. It's hard for a soul like yours, but you are getting it, and you feel sad with things go the wrong way.

That kind of sadness is good. I think.

This week you broke my 2nd ipad. Last year, it tumbled to the stone floor, and I was grieved for days as it was a gift. I replaced it with my own money for 1/2 price (thankyou, apple), bought a nice cover, determined to keep it safe. This week, you ran through the dining room, with my ipad, in the nice cover, took a spill and shattered the screen. I was beyond grieved (again) about this stupid earthly possession, but I didn't yell (this was  a miracle), but quietly told you I needed a "moment". And (and I am embarrassed to admit), went into the kitchen and cried over my shattered ipad. That night, in your prayers, your daddy told me you prayed,

"Dear Jejus, I am so sorry I broke mommy's peter (computer). I've been so sorry all day."

I think we both learned a lesson that day.

Today we will eat pink cake and go see Santa. Family will eat chili tonight and we'll sing you happy birthday.

The day you were born changed me forever. It really did. My heart is different because you are here.

We are all different because of you. You have a gift, Annie, and my prayer is that God will use it for His glory.

All of my love.
Mommy

merry christmas!

the way God made me. The way God is changing me.

*just write*

For as long as I can remember, I have craved the quiet.

My closest friends, in every season of my life have been lively, people loving, cheerful, outgoing types. I am drawn to these kind of people. They somehow hold the magic key to unlocking my frozen and scared places.

My husband is the exception. I met him, and thought it might be kind of quiet in our house, but I knew I had met someone who got me. but that's another blog.

So, except for those sacred few who have the magic key, I have been content to kind of walk many of my paths with a few amazing people by my side. When you take those personality tests- "goes to party and has one or two meaningful conversations" versus, "works the room". I am the former.

But those tests always frustrate me, because I was also what some might call a "ham" in my younger years. I suppose I enjoyed the attention that was showered on me. I danced. I sang. There is video to prove it- but somewhere along the way, something shifted. That space in time hen the self awareness over shadows the real you- or maybe that's the real you? How do you really know?

At any rate, I am sure this is the point where parents start scratching their heads and wondering who it is in front of them. This changing little life. what a mystery?

I have some vague memories of my parents wanting to throw me a birthday party around the adolescent years. I was resistant, I am pretty sure it didn't happen, and I am assuming I frustrated the hell out of them. I think what they didn't know, and I what I couldn't quite articulate at the time, was that the whole idea of a party for me felt uncomfortable. It didn't feel fun anymore.(I have the added pressure of a New Years Eve Birthday). Bottom line, something had shifted. I had become the person who wanted to eat cookie dough with my best friends on my birthday, the person who didn't want a party in my honor, with lots of people looking at me.

I am still like that. Small, low key. keep it simple.

But now, here I am with this little girl who is about to turn 4. My little social Annie who never meets someone she doesn't love. And I am having a small, quaint get together, with family and her closest friend Brydia. And I am filled with anxiety!

Am I giving her MY PARTY? There goes God again stretching me, pushing me beyond my comfort zone, using my child to form my character.

And this is my prayer, that I will listen, that I will try to know her, no matter how frustrating it gets, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

May I learn these things, knowing I am who I am, the way God made me.

And she is who she is, the way God made her.

It is a gift to love another person.

a hard, exhausting, beautiful gift.

I will  mess this up.

I am already messing this up.

One day, Annie will probably tell me all the ways I got it wrong, but I hope she'll be able to see the things I got right, too.

Just like my parents, and every human being who has ever tried to love another person.

It's hard. Sometimes you knock it out of the park, but sometimes, sometimes, it's just plain hard.

the ledge

you know, the one you have to be talked off of.

When your 4 year old has screamed at you for 20th time in one day, refused to nap, woken up the "baby" from her nap, and then continues her antics all the way up to bedtime.

wasted.

that was me last night.

I know every mom feels this way. That day when all you feel like you have done right is washed away in a seemingly incessant string of bad behavior.

Did I mention is freezing yesterday? Can I blame this on the weather?

On a cute note, Annie was sitting in the dentist office yesterday and said

"Mommy, I LOVE the dentist! This is so fun!"

Who is this child?

We also went shopping yesterday for a little girl's Christmas. We picked her name at church. I was trying to explain to her that sometimes people fall on hard times and don't have enough money to buy gifts, so every Christmas, we were going to help buy someone a gift.

When she saw her daddy yesterday, she exclaimed "We bought a little girl some presents cuz she doesn't have any monies!!!!"

sigh.

and I should probably mention that my almost 2 year old loves being naked, which is comical, and mildly frustrating. but mostly comical.

This morning, thankful for rest, that restores tired bones and achey hearts.

oh, and preschool. which begins promptly at 9:30. We'll be there when the doors open.

tree

advent, on waiting

It wasn't perfect, but it was a step.

Over waffles, a reading from Isaiah.

Annie, coloring the root of Jesse.

Mass. The priest clothed in purple. The Liturgy, shifts to the waiting. The yearning.

We sing parts of the Mass to the melody of O come, O come Emmanuel.

We eat soup for lunch.

I run to pick up a Christmas Tree. We hang the lights.

I feel my heart kind of racing. I feel the next three weeks trying to ambush me.

I breathe deep, or at least try.

slow it down. slow it down, real slow.

I remember a year ago, Josh was recovering from a major surgery, we were in the midst of major Church transition, I was scared and hopeful all at the same time.

This year feels more like home. There is more rest.

which finds me, thankful.