I am feeling better today.

After a nice long walk with my friend carrie yesterday, I have woken (is that even a word) with new hope! I don't think I'll being going to a mall anytime soon, but that's ok. I don't like them anyway.

I might even put up the ole fake christmas tree today- which goes against every bone in my body, but I am afraid my dog will go crazy with a real one.

i really tried

not to be a grinch today. I had some things I needed to get. one of those places being at the mall. I needed something at a book store. I thought this could be accomplished with minimal angst. BUT, as I was walking, trying to self-talk myself into holiday cheer, the crazy kiosk people started badgering me. kiosks have been around for awhile in the mall. I have even temporarily lost my mind once and bought some lotion from "the dead sea" (note: on back of bottle it says "made in New Jersey".) Anyway, the past few times I have been in the mall, these people have taken their kiosk job to a new level. Some punk today practically threw a pillow stuffed with something aromatic in my face. "lady, lady, won't you smell it? won't you try?" . sheesh. To which I replied, "I don't want to TRY it." I was so close to making a major scene. so close to telling that BOY that my name is Brooke, and I was not interested in his smelly pillow, and further more, even if I was, I would no longer be due to his OBNOXIOUS behavior. What's even worse, is that I had to pass him again. We did the whole song and dance again, and I walked straight to my car.

I am a bit disillusioned with Christmas. I love the day. being with family. warm food and lights. music. I even like giving gifts.

I do not like the chrismas silliness. and crazy kiosk people.

cooking again.

Curry Zucchini Soup:

1 large yellow onion
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1 tablespoon of dried thyme
2 teaspoons curry powder
7 large zucchini cut into chunks
1 quart of chicken stock
1 cup of heavy cream (i use half & half)
1/4 cup of melted butter mixed thoroughly with 1/4 cup of flour



In a large pot, Sautee onion in olive oil until transparent. Add Thyme and zucchini. Cook Until soft. Add curry powder, cream & stock. Bring to a boil. Add butter & flour mixture. Reduce heat and simmer soup for 15 minutes. Puree soup in blender or use an immersion blender.

I added a bit of garlic powder and cayenne pepper.

and we had toasted no knead bread (leftover from TG) with melted provolone (with a wee bit of garlic salt)

and wine.

oh, and it was good.

josh

i got my remote today, so Josh and I can finally have a picture taken, together. I just love this guy so much. How could you not?

holiday no more.

this is my office. on crack. I have alot of work to do today- sigh.

lars and the real girl

I give Birmingham a hard time for its lack of independent film showings. But, The Summit, ironically, is showing Lars and the Real Girl. I thought it was a great film, and I shed a few tears, but I won't say why, because you should go out and see this movie...

The Summit is also showing Bella, which has also gotten some great reviews. Don't know how long either will be there-
We're going to try and see Bella this week.

I am reading. Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert. A really good memoir so far. Sad, but good. It comes at the perfect time in my life where all the edges feel rough. Noone told me my thirties would be so deeply hard. My twenties were filled with all kind of melodramatic feeling and dreams, but my thirties, man, they are wearing. me. out.

I am probably going to start a new blog journaling our walk through infertility. I don't mind sharing things here, but I feel like I need a place to process without feeling like I am making people suffer through posts about doctors appointments or my irrational anger toward cute pregnant women. We are also about to seriously consider adoption, which means I might actually have to grieve our current loss of not being able to have a baby- and well, that feels pretty difficult, overwhelming, etc...anyway, I'll share when its up and going.

ALSO, ever since I got this mac, my blogger posting screen has no options for hyperlinking. Anybody had this problem, have a solution?

stl

I was in St. Louis this weekend, and it was a beautiful Fall weekend- always my favorite season in St. Louis, with its tree lined streets and old brick homes. I stayed with the Fogas's. They are like family, which is nice when you travel, because you can take naps and eat their cheese and crackers, and play with their new little person.

I also had a good time shooting a beautiful wedding. more pictures of that to come. I was able to see Sarah and her little Huntleigh, which was really nice. Sarah and I met at the end of my seminary stent, and well, I just really like her and wish I lived closer.





And then I got to see my old roomate and dear friend Leslie and Kevin. are they not cute? She will kill me for doing this, but I could not resist.

things that are on my brain

my favorite month just passed me by in a whirl. there were old friends and wedding prayers and sand and bikes and wine and breakfast conversation all mingled in. But it went fast, and it felt rushed, and I want it back.

I heard a song by the waifs today, gillian. i liked it, and thought it sweet and strange.

are you ever overwhelmed by memories that come to you in snapshots throughout the day. I was in surgery the other day, and I kept seeing all these old images, like where I went to preschool, or sitting in the lunch room in elementary school. They are so quick, the way they ease in and out. I guess all those things are trapped in our little brains, and sometimes they just need room to breathe. just interesting, that's all.

I know alot of people read this blog and care about josh and i, and where we are in our "journey" with trying to have a baby. I don't really like that word, because it sounds exciting or I don't know, different than how I feel about it, but I don't really know what word to use, so I will stick with that one.

long story short, we're still on it. I did a difficult thing this weekend- I decorated a room that I had left undecorated for two years, because it was supposed to be a nursery. I felt like I needed to live in the here and now, and in some odd way it is comforting to walk by that room, see a welcoming space, with pictures and life. I know that probably sounds really sad, but this is a sad thing-and yet putting some life in that room was a movement towards something hopeful.

So, we are in this place where we are grieving what we cannot have, at least at the present, and considering other avenues, namely adoption. I never in a million years thought this would be our story, but it is, and I am trying with all my heart to let it unfold.

so you can pray for us, or ask God to help us- we need it in all kinds of ways.

goldfish

I read so many crazy blogs yesterday about halloween and all saints day and reformation bla bla bla and how we dress our kids up like demons. i appreciated most of the dialog and get that some of the things we trivialize, shouldn't be so trivial- but there has to be a day where one can dress up like a goldfish. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a goldfish at some point in there life?