38 weeks (almost)

Here's to two more weeks. PLEASE.

thankful

One thing I have not been so great at in the last months is gratitude. I have been fairly self consumed, ever so needy, and tired- on all fronts. This is has been a hard season. I can hear the laughs- all the way from Tulsa. The laughs- saying, Brooke, you have no idea.

And perhaps I don't. Just like I don't really understand how much I will love Annie. That's grace, I think- that we can't wrap our minds around how difficult something would be, or how beautiful something might be until we are right smack dab in the middle of it.

If I had known before we ever wanted a family, that it would take almost three years, and then my pregnancy would totally wipe me out to boot. I would never have made it. But I did, we did- because of grace- and though I would not have chosen this path- it was the path we were lead on, and it, like all journeys, has changed me- in ways, I certainly cannot articulate yet.

So, though this will be a quiet Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the quiet to remember what led us here.

I am thankful that after what seems like forever, we are going to be holding a little girl in our arms very soon. I am thankful for the softness this has brought to my heart already, the tears that flow so much easier than they have in years. I am thankful for the friends who traveled to see me, for family who have done the same. I am thankful for the job I had here waiting for me-even though it challenged me. I am thankful that the hard work is letting me be home right now, and resting, and waiting. I am thankful for Annie's kicks and thugs- her ability to always let me know she is HERE with us. I am thankful for Josh- who has had to carry such a heavy load. For his cooking and cleaning and tireless love. 

So, yes- I am thankful. Those words are not always easy, and sometimes hard to find- but they are there, and I feel them beneath all the struggle.

Happy Thanksgiving.

quiet spell

Sorry I haven't written very much lately. I kind of feel like a broken record these days:) I feel like things are gearing up for this baby. I don't know if it's intuition or wishful thinking-- The bionic nose from my first trimester has returned. I smell the weirdest things and am turned off very easily. Two weeks ago, I ate three barbeque sandwiches in a week. You could not make me eat one right now. All I want are those first trimester comfort foods. Warm, soft, bland. 

I am still feeling pretty mediocre- but nothing like the drama we had a couple of weeks ago. My ankles seem to have returned to a semi-normal state, so I can at least wear shoes again:) 

Other than that- it's COLD here. Josh is off for Thanksgiving break, so I have someone to help me pass the time. We might actually leave the house today! how exciting....

yall have a good weekend....

good hours and bad hours

I was weepy most of the day yesterday. I am just so tired of feeling bad- I feel like I have little strength to actually HAVE this baby, which is really difficult. I thought I had turned a corner the other day, and I suppose I turned a small one- but I am still feeling mostly bad, praying for relief, praying my doctor will have mercy on me and let me have this baby a little earlier (as is safe). I did not want it to be this way.

So, if you pray- pray that I will be able to eat a little bit more. My appetite is really poor this week- ever since the hospital drama, and I know the baby needs some food. I am just having a hard time eating anything at all- true appetite suppression.

Also pray that I can come off these pain meds. I am down to 3 or 4/ per 24 hours- which is better than 10-16, which I did for a couple of days. But, they make you feel comfortable and ill all at the same time- plus, they just can't be good for little Annie, so that worries me the most.

My mom is here until tomorrow, which has been so great. I really don't know how we would have made it.

Sooo, pray for a Thanksgiving baby. I am.

waking up...

I am slowly coming out of my drug coma. Man, this was a bad week. 

Mom has been great- she stocked us up on soup and is helping me get things ready for Annie. She force fed me ginger ale all day, and I finally got some soup down last night. Me and Annie are going to have to go through detox when this is all said and done:)

I do feel like perhaps I did have a kidney infection, and all the drugs have finally done their work. I still hurt, but it's more pregnancy soreness and not stabbing pain kind of stuff. All the nurses said I was "presenting" like someone with a kidney stone or infection. It certainly felt that way to me as well- anyway. tis a mystery.

I was given so much fluid in the hospital, that I officially have "cankles". I had been so proud of my lack of swelling- but so much for that.

Well, here's to the weekend and to hopefully feeling better.  Thanks again for all the support.

let's see if I can get a coherent sentence down

I have tried to write this several times today, but I have had more pain medicine in the past two days than I have ever had in my life- which has been both comical and exhausting. mostly exhausting.

So, here is the brief update- I'll get through as much as I can until the words start to get all jumbled up:)

Sooo.....I woke up Sunday night with a catch in my back, except that it felt a lot "deeper". I heated my little rice sock and went back to sleep, and that was that. Monday,  I rested most of the day, no big deal really, just took it easy. Monday night was another bad night. Lots of restlessness, back was hurting. By the morning, I was extremely agitated, couldn't get comfortable. I took some Tyenol and was able to rest. I had dr.'s appt that morning, so I was just trying to make until then.

By the time I went the dr. I was fairly miserable. He seemed concerned, thought it might be a kidney infection or labor. He checked things out- couldn't rule out labor, asked me to come back later in the afternoon.

I came back at 2 that afternoon pretty much in tears. He sent us to the hospital to be triaged  in Labor and Delivery. We showed up, they hooked me to the monitor, and we waited.... I was having some irregular contractions, but nothing significant. They also ran a few other tests to rule out the kidney infection- which was miserable, I'll just say that:) Everything came back clear, so he sent me home with some Demerol. 

I got got home, took 1, and it did nothing. The pain just got worst- so we called the dr.,  went back. This time they gave me Stadol- which is a common labor/pain drug. It knocked me out while they monitored things for the next few hours. By 3 am, things had calmed down, and we made it home.

Ah....at 5 am the pain got even worst!  So, yes, we went, AGAIN to labor and delivery, this time crying my eyes out as I  greeted the now all too familiar nurses. They immediately sent me to ultrasound. The ultrasound showed what looked like a kidney infection (though all my lab tests were fine), so the dr. had me admitted, started me on antibiotics and IV fluids. The day went fairly well, and then the pain kicked in again last night, I was having a  run of regular contractions, and so the dr. came in to check me again. He was pretty frustrated at this point- not with me, just with the situation- so he sent us BACK to labor and delivery (we had been put in a regular room at this point), where they gave me drugs all night. 

I never progressed, so this morning they gave me drugs to stop the little contractions I was having, some more pain meds, and told me to sleep, so I did....

Later, I went for another ultrasound to check the baby head to toe. She was cute and all her parts looked great. She is fine.

Sooo, after another long day of tests and drugs, the dr. sent us home tonite, pain meds galore, and basically told us to wait it out at home. Worst case scenario is that I have to "manage" the pain until we are couple of weeks down the road when he feels more comfortable inducing. He is okay with me going into labor on my own if that should happen as well. I see him again on Tuesday....

I know that was long, but this is the easiest way to give the update. The drugs are helping- at the very least to sleep, which is nice. 

Josh is exhausted, and I think a little overwhelmed by all he had to observe in the past 48 hours. My mom is flying in tonight, so hopefully Josh can get some rest and get some work done this weekend. He is emotionally and physically spent, so pray for him- if you think of it.

I honestly am thankful to be home. I was really sad to think about having Annie after such a traumatic couple of days. It just didn't feel right, peaceful, etc... I know we can't always control these things- but I am thankful to be able to rest here, in my home, and hopefully be in a better frame of mind the next go round:)

Thanks to all who have written and called.  I really appreciate it.

lots of love-

brooke

officially...

on maternity leave- with no baby, yet:) I was planning on taking leave starting in two weeks, but after a weekend of feeling pretty terrible, lots of contractions, and back pain- I waved the white flag today. I don't know why this was a difficult decision for me. I think I wanted to be able to work right up until delivery. I, of course, would have preferred more time on the back end- when Annie is actually here, but this is they way the cards have fallen, and I for one am happy to be home today. 

So, it's rainy here today, and I plan on a good solid rest, if my back will permit me one.  I would really like to get into a good book, so yall have been great before- PLEASE leave some suggestions. pretty please.

thank you

carrie, les, and jacks.....

for taking a weekend to come to Tulsa to spend time with me. I loved every second of it and wish the time had not flown by so fast. I loved listening to your stories, where those stories are leading you, and I feel so happy to be a part of them. 

LOVE YOU!!!

will somebody

make me these ? I don't really have a huge appetite ( I am really looking forward to WANTING to eat again), but man these look GOOD. I will be making these this holiday season...

stories

Sorry the blogging is rather boring these days.  I have definitely hit the home stretch of this pregnancy, totally wiped out, and ready to be able to turn over in bed with out causing a minor earthquake:) I must say, though, that I have an amazing husband- that josh. He cooks, cleans, and keeps me sane. He really is keeping things afloat here. He was telling me the other day- "remember that first year in Birmingham- remember how you did everything? You really kept us from sinking."- I was like, really? I don't even remember it feeling like that.  I guess marriage is like that- letting the other one rise to the occasion when you are seemingly sinking. I am glad Josh feels like I did that for him- because he is definitely doing that for me. He's been strong and brave and selfless. me=lucky.

With that said, we have had a really nice weekend here. We totally scrooged out on Friday, turned the lights off and watched a movie while the little kiddos ran PAST our house. We had candy and all, but we were tired, and felt like being lazy, and it was nice.

Yesterday, I had energy out of the blue, so we went for a nice walk, ran and got a smoothie, dropped in on the cousins- and ended up at a little jam session which was really, really fun. It felt good to "unplug", get outside, drink fruit, and listen to music and people who love to play it. Josh even joined in on the singing with some Townes Van Zandt, and I was proud:)

There are glimpses that all will be well, here, at least for the time being. Sometimes (like earlier this week), I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness and what we gave up to come here, that I feel like there just is not a way forward here. But then, we meet people bit by bit, and the faces look less like aliens, and more like friends- and I am reminded that I am always living in the the middle of the story- that it is not over, that even the dramatic sad parts are necessary in any story- usually the most important, even. 

alas, it is the sabbath. may you find some rest today, where ever you are.