so far,

This is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. carrying a baby. I always said that if I ever got pregnant, I would not complain in the slightest about being SICK or being TIREd. I would just handle it with utter thankfulness, like some impregnated saint or something. Well, let me just tell you,  those are the most ridiculous words I have ever uttered. ever.

It is a strange thing to not be able to imagine eating anything, because you feel THAT BAD, and in the next five minutes NEED a cheeseburger. RIGHT THEN.  It is strange to not like chicken. To not want to drink a lovely cup of coffee in the morning. To not want SWEET tea...I get sick just thinking about it. I finally had several meltdowns yesterday. I literally woke up, put my feet on the floor, and started to get sick. Josh came into the still dark kitchen, (because the sun was not up), to my sniffles and me trying to get down 2 saltine crackers. He, although very sweet, kind of thinks this sickness is kind of "cute", like look at sweet Brooke, all sick with our little baby. I guess that is sweet of him to think of it that way. 

And there is the utter exhaustion. It just is what it is, like how you feel when you sleep terribly, except I sleep rather well, and wake up only to feel like I could sleep another day or two. 

We did get to see the baby again yesterday. I didn't have the greatest nurse doing the ultrasound, so it was pretty fast, and she was obviously interested in getting me on my way. But, we did see the heartbeat again, and the baby was so much bigger than last week. So things look good still... The mean nurse also contributed to my second meltdown yesterday. This clinic I have been going to for over a year has MANY MANY nurses- however, I seem to always get this one mean nurse, who never makes eye contact and generally seems like she does not care. In fact, one would think that when you work in an infertility clinic you would offer some congratulations when a patient actually GETS pregnant. The ONLY person at that clinic who has offered congratulations, happiness, etc... is the ultra sound tech, who is a SAINT, and the one person who will be getting a hand written note from me saying Thankyou, for treating me like a human being. 

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

If you even made it this far, God bless you.

So, I wish I had some things to share about how I was growing as a person, and how wonderful everything feels, but honestly, it just feels so difficult right now. I SO want to be happy and dreamy, but mostly I am just plotting my next nap or my next meal.  

big thank you.

thanks everyone for your kind words. I just wanted to convey how much it means to me to have you all be so supportive. thank you. thank you. thank you.

I am mostly being a big wimp on the front end of this pregnancy. The all day "morning" sickness is taking its toll, unfortunately. Kudos to all of you moms out there who have continued working, raising kids, cooking dinner, etc... and feeling anything remotely to how I am feeling. It feels pretty miserable, and I spend a lot of time thinking how I can get through this first trimester. I called my work from the bathroom this morning, to tell them I would NOT be there. Right after that, I threw up my zofran. So much for that.

But deep down, way way down deep, under all the nausea- I am still so excited. I just want to feel better. It's always something, isn't it?

On the Tulsa front, we are still trying to sell our house. I think I am probably feeling some anxiety about all of that right now, too. How am I going to move, feel bad, sell our house, find a new one, get a new job--all in the next few months. It feels like too much to think about, so I don't too much- but it is THERE, you know. whew.

Well, tonite is my little sister's birthday, and I am going to attempt to be among the living. Here's to mind over matter! 

finally....

Sooo, this has been the reason for my absence.  I'm pregnant!  It's still rather early, but we saw a heartbeat this morning, and I am sick sick sick, so why not share....

It's been such a long, exciting, anxious past couple of weeks. This was a complete shock, as we were not taking any drugs. I have been telling my nurses for the past year that I did NOT want to be on the Today Show with my 8 kids- so you can imagine how thrilled we were that we were able to get pregnant without creating a small country. 

I have cried a lot. It's been such a sweet experience to tell my family and friends. I have also been a nervous wreck. I have gone to the book store several times already and just stared at a wall of books and had to walk away. I just couldn't believe it was happening.

I have been bombarded with morning (afternoon, evening) sickness the past two days, so it's all starting to feel a bit more real. And of course, seeing that little baby this morning, was a sweet, sweet gift.

I wish I had more energy to write and I suppose I am still a bit nervous as it is still very early in the pregnancy. We'd appreciate you prayers...

i'll be back....

I have been taking a break from here. There is so much going on, here- with life and work and a little bit of play here and there. I just haven't felt like being present here, and I suppose that is a-okay.

I do have some things I want to write about, and they are brewing in my head. Next week- I think. For now, I intend to enjoy the rest of this glorious day.