tired and other miscellany

I'm tired of looking at the old school metal mini blinds in our bedroom.

which is why

I am making curtains this weekend.

we'll see if my vision can come together.

I should also mention that I had the most luxurious nap today while BOTH little girls slept in perfect harmony.

(note to readers, may want to stop reading as the next part talks about breastfeeding, if you are not in to that thing)

So, one of my goals for this little girl was to be able to nurse her.

So, I didn't nurse Annie because I was pretty much recovering from a traumatic event, I was scared to death, and I needed to sleep at night knowing exactly what she was getting and how much. I needed some control, and a bottle offered me that. so that's that.

but I was sad. it was something I wanted to do- and it was in some strange way taken from me, and well, I hoped for things to be different this go round.

and they have been. I am not one of these people who have a strong attachment to nursing. If anything, one the negatives I have observed, is how little time Josh gets with her right now. With Annie, it was such a family effort, so to speak. There were bottles and the warming of bottles, and anyone could feed her.

but this, this is intense. this is a human being attached to you almost all hours of the day.

which is why I almost kissed my friend when she told me she fed all her breastfed babies (all 3) 1-2 bottles a day starting at 2 weeks.

permission. why do we need it? There aren't rules, here- but so many people make you feel like there are. and it's my fault for listening. For thinking there was a set of rules that I was breaking. for forgetting about freedom. and grace.

so i started doing this a couple of nights ago. It's the one three hour break I get all day.

so, I learn. I enjoy it. I hate it. I bargain with how long I'll last.

I don't know any of the answers. I'm glad she likes me. I'm glad I can give her what she needs. It's a gift, and I am learning about sacrifice, which is something I was found wanting in.

and i love her, which makes all the difference.

two weeks in with two under 2

my mom left yesterday, and a few hours drifted by, and the hormones found their way in.

I have been managing surprisingly well. I was even surprised at how level I had been feeling- nothing like those first few weeks with Annie, when I felt like everything was vulnerable and one breath away from disappearing forever.

but, I suppose the fatigue has settled in, and the reality of having a newborn that feeds every hour to two hours, and the separation that inherently brings with my relationship with Annie- well, it all kind of heaped itself on me in the last day. and so, the time for long, deep breaths has come my way.

we made it to church yesterday, which was good. I knew the sermon would be lost to me. not enough brain cells working to synthesize those words. but the hymns were good. I was struck by one verse.

Land me safe on Canaan's side

Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fear

Land me safe on Canaan's side

Bid my anxious fears, bid my anxious fears, goodbye

I suppose at the end of the day, this is what we all want.

to land on safe of Canaan's side.

thankful for music. thankful for words. and thankful

for the little bit of sleep that I received last nite.

all dressed up

not sure about this

more to come....

we're making it around here. Last night was rough. Up at 2 and never went back down, then Annie woke up at 4:30. There wasn't enough coffee in the house, I assure you. My mood has suffered today- it will pass, I know.

here's to a better nite.

things I promise to do today.

eat chocolate without guilt.

take pictures of amelia.

attempt to go to Target.

and that's about all this momma can handle today!

on the Amelia front, she is doing really well. Had a rough weekend treating her jaundice with home phototherapy. She did great in during the day, but nights were miserable. In case you are new to phototherapy, baby must be in diaper only and essentially stays under a tanning bed contraption all the time except for feedings (in theory). Thankfully, I do this quite a bit at my job so I have a few tricks up my sleeve to make babies comfortable- but still, not fun.

it's over. she's back to a less orange state. and (hopefully), some normalcy can resume...

amelia brooke jared

well, here she is! I have yet to take a real picture with my real camera, but promise to do so soon!

and now for a brief introduction.

Sunday night, I was starting to feel the dread of living another week pregnant. I was so miserable and sleep was so horrible that I honestly thought I would lose my mind. I guess the Lord knew, and rescued me from my misery.

I was feeling contraction-y all evening, but had been feeling this way for sometime. I decided to go lay on the couch and find a place within myself settle my heart and mind and try and focus on what my body was really doing. We still have a large amount of snow on the ground and the logistics of calling someone to watch Annie and getting to the hospital should things get moving along in the middle of the night were rolling around in my head, just about the time a nice, large contraction came my way. And with that contraction came water, which I admit I thought was pee, but after standing up realized, we indeed had a situation:)

I calmly told Josh he needed to call Aunt Linda, and from there, everything happened in record speed. This was around 10pm.

By 10:15 Linda walked in, and we walked out. By 10:30 we were walking to labor and delivery. Within a few minutes contractions were coming one after another, I was dilated to 6, and all hands were on deck to get me to an OR for a c-section.

And at 12:23, Little Amelia was born! whew.

She is sweet as can be.

As for her health- she's had a bit of a rough start, because we like a little drama around here. She was under some oxygen for awhile the first day, had IV fluids running, and some rapid breathing. She is slowly ridding herself of all of the above- just what we call in baby nursing world, a "transitioning" baby. Not all wee ones come out ready to greet the world with open arms. Mine certainly don't!

Can't wait to share more in the coming days. Thanks all for prayers and love and words. We're so glad she is here. I am so utterly thankful to not be pregnant.

peace abounds.

love, brooke

words for a winter day

I was thankful to fall upon these words today. Given that we've been snowed in for well over a week, with my big event for the week being stuck in the hospital for a few hours with an IV pumping wells of hydration into my body. You take your thrills where you can get them.

If you've ever experienced any kind of discomfort or illness, you know that often the only space in your soul is what needs to take place for survival. I feel like I have been living this life for most of the pregnancy, and while I am weary, I have come to that place where the rainbow is visible. hope is near. the end, or beginning, is in site.

These past three years have been the hardest of my life. I make no apologies for that. But I am thankful for the inklings of faith that seem to be sprouting again. I would not take back these difficult years. They have made me real and shown me what is inside. It's not always pretty, but I like to know what I am dealing with, and so in that respect, I am thankful for the illumination (though not always so beautiful to see)

so, I am thankful for E. Peterson's words, today. for today is the day that has been given.

lots of weather

well, like most of the country, we've been slammed with wild winter weather. We had a 14 inch day last week that pretty much took the city out. Just when people were brave enough to drive a few miles, we got 5 more inches yesterday. We have a day of respite and sun, which is thankfully helping with the thawing, but snow is forecasted tomorrow, and wednesday, a forecast of "blowing" snow. I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound hopeful.

Yesterday, I called the OB first thing because the office had been closed all week, and my almost 38 week self was getting nervous- I go to a huge practice, so I was dreading calling, just knowing it was going to be insane. I was told to come in, I would be seen by somebody at some time. yikes.

well, we live close, so we made a mad dash for the office, hoping I would be an early arriver, and I was. I was feeling rather perky, even. I had make up on, and actually felt slightly energetic. Nurse took my blood pressure and it was high, which I was surprised by considering how calm and good I felt. Dr. came in to tell me there was protein in the ole pee cup as well as ketones, so he took my blood pressure again and it was fine. He then did all the usual unpleasant things an OB does at the end of pregnancy, only to tell me my cervix had thinned out considerably, and perhaps I was starting to labor. He sent me over to L and D/ had them pump some IV fluids in me since I was apparently ridiculously dehydrated and monitor the baby. Baby looked fine on the monitor and they dumped 2 liters of fluid in me in two hours and sent us on our merry way.

so, here we sit, this sunny saturday. Just a little over a week out from meeting Miss Amelia, if not sooner. Time will tell, I am sure.

Until then, We will enjoy the cuteness that has overtaken Annie these past couple of weeks.

Annie has learned the art of possession, and everything is "mines".

It's pretty cute.

but I have to laugh when she's not looking, you know, so we can parent and all.

and, how can I forget? Annie is sleeping in a little toddler bed! We started last weekend, and she has done really well. We're still not sleeping through the night, but she actually stays in the bed and is taking awesome naps. Can't believe how big she is getting.

***one should never write how good their child is doing. She refused to nap to day, and just pooped in the bath. Josh almost had a coronary.