all but gone

Well, Josh and I slept on an air mattress in our empty house last nite. We slept in the front room and listened to our little neighborhood one last night. The sirens, here and there. The occasional car alarm. The people, hanging out until the wee hours. I slept peacefully. maybe because I was tired down to my bones. Maybe because I knew it was the last nite I would be there. Maybe because, as difficult as moving is, and letting go of friendships that have kept us level- this all just feels right. Every step of the way, us doubting, and God seeming to say- Go forward. I am taking care of you.

God taking care of us.

That sentence has taken on a new meaning these past few weeks. And again, I just shake  my head and I admit that I just can't wrap my head around that. When someone our church loved, is gone. I think of another friend that I like to call Saint Anne- who is running around Sudan/Darfur as we speak, trying to help in a terrifying situation. An another is in Uganda, seeing things I am sure would make me question that sentence at every turn. It all has me understanding my old pastor is St. Louis, who often in prayer at our Community Group, would just pray- God, have mercy. 

Thankfully, I'll be back in a couple of weeks to finish up some photography work and close on the house. It will be good, and then we will return home, or at least to the place we can only hope will become one.

saying goodbye, to birmingham

The weekend is upon us, and I have felt the sadness sneaking in today. I want to have space in my heart to feel all of this adequately, and I just don't. It seems just in the past few weeks, I have felt that inner peace like comes after a long struggle. That sadness, that is kind of like relief- when we say, "to whom shall I go, you have the words to eternal life". That's where I am.

Josh and I have so much to look forward to this year, and I am eager to begin this new season. But I am deeply sad to leave my friends, my family. Who will be my Jones's? Who will love us like them, and invite us into their home, and sit on their porch. Who will be my Cassia and Joy? My book loving, dancing sisters? Who will be my community group- who welcomed us in, prayed for us, gave us their friendship. And Carrie and Whitney- who will walk with me, and eat Mexican on Fridays? So many spaces to fill. This will not be easy.

But, what I know is this- 

I have left a place before, and there have always been people waiting. Waiting to love and give me the mercy of friendship. It's always hard to believe it will happen- but it will. I hope that I will be able to offer the same.

Thanks Birmingham- for being home to us for these three years. We shall miss you, in our own little way.

keep in touch!!!

little button designs

I don't know why I have not mentioned this before, but my sister has a great little side business, selling labels and stationary. They are really adorable- and they make GREAT gifts.

click HERE

I know crazy, and I will use it.

I think Owen Wilson says that in one of those Shanghai noon movies. I watched that movie one too many times on a flight to and from Europe years ago. I was really feeling those words by the end of the trip. But that's another story.

We have three days until we load up the truck, and I am just not feeling it. The "it" I need for the final push. I don't really feel stressed, I just don't care:)

I have also entered into a new phase of pregnancy where my need for food IS actually making me crazy. It just hits me so fast, and I feel like the world is coming to an end. Talk about high maintenance. This morning, I temporarily lost my sanity when I realized all the utensils had been packed and I was trying to flip sausage with a knife, in a copper pan that was in the good will box. It did not end well, and expletives were said. I had to walk it off, and then my sweet husband, who was still half asleep, managed to salvage the sausage. I know, sausage. I won't even try to explain it- except that lately cereal just doesn't work.

So, crazy it is.

nice

Well, my little vacation was great. It took me a couple of days to unwind, but by yesterday I was feeling the vacation love. I am still feeling sub par,  but I was thankful for the days of sitting under the umbrella, listening to the waves, reading a good book. This  next week will be crazy, and by the end of it, I will be living in Tulsa. I can't get that straight in my head, so I am just going to let it come, however it may.

offline

I am unplugging for a few days.  reading. sitting. being.

"I've long since stopped feeling guilty about be-ing time; it's something we all need for our spiritual health, and often we don't take enough of it...When I am constantly running there is no time for being. When there is no time for being there is no time for listening. I will never understand the silent dying of the green pie-apple tree if I don't slow down and listen to what the Spirit is telling me, telling me of the death of trees, the death of planets, of people, and what all these deaths mean in light of love of the Creator who brought them all in to being; who  brought me into being; and you. The questioning of meaning of being, and dying, and being......is part of the deepest longing of the human psyche, a recurrant ache in the hearts of all God's creatures"

madeleine l'engle from Walking on Water

let the packing begin...

We started the ominous process of packing this week. I do not like packing at all. It reveals WAY too much. How much crap we have for one. Oh well, it has to be done.

I generally like Summer a lot, especially early Summer. I love the water and warm breezes. Cold drinks. I think I am starting to feel a bit of the craziness that comes with feeling bad for 9 straight weeks. I really, really need and want to feel better. I hear it's coming. I am trying to believe it! I really to have a healthy respect for those who fight illness on a daily basis. It really reveals a part of our existence that was not meant to be. Seems like a dominant theme this week- death, sickness, loss. This week was not helped at all by the news that I heard this morning- the death of Tim Russert.  Sunday morning news is one my favorite things to watch- and I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Tim Russert. He was pretty much my number one informant on all things political. I liked the way he interviewed, and he seemed like a genuine man. I am sad, that he, too, was taken at such a young age.

Lot's of , "why, God?", this week.

The good news, is that I am going to the beach for a few days. My sweet friend Carrie has offered a bed at their house for part of this week, and even though I have SO much to do, I feel like this might be the one thing that puts some spring back into my step. So white, sandy beach, here I come- with my chair and hat, book and sunscreen.  I am white as a ghost, with a bulging belly to boot (and not the cute kind, yet)- and I don't even care. 

AND, one last thing, the dr. called back with the results from our screening. ALL looks good- which is wonderful news. Baby Jared is growing just fine and healthy.

heavy heart

Someone I don't know very well died yesterday. He was one of those people who knew almost everyone I was close to, but for whatever reason our paths rarely crossed- which was most definitely to my loss. The words I have read about him today have made me feel deep sorrow. Sorrow for death. Sorrow for a wife who lost her best friend. Sorrow for the utter shock that death brings- Sorrow that leaves no words. Sorrow that leaves tears that can only we wiped away by heaven.

I have been so stone cold lately. so cold with fear and worst case scenarios. I found out this news yesterday just minutes before I went to see our baby. I think I was so overwhelmed, that I just couldn't take it all in. life and death. beauty and sorrow. 

sometimes life just aches. today is one of those days.

looks like a baby

Today we had our first trimester screening at UAB. This is an optional screening for all pregnant women, that shows pretty good indications of whether or not you might be at risk for downs syndrome or one of the other trisomy's. It also is a good indicator for congenital heart defects. I have seen enough in my own medical experience, to want to be as prepared as we can for this baby. However, this morning, I was thinking- you know, maybe I would be okay NOT knowing. Oh well, it was too late, and I knew the non-emotional part of me knew this would hopefully be a helpful thing.

So, the good news is we got to see the baby. Isn't he/she cute? The Doctor was very scientific and mostly what I heard was bla bla bla, downs syndrome, bla bla bla, more downs syndrome. So I was about to have a full on panic attack the whole time. Keep in mind, as he is giving his little talk, he is moving the ultra sound around, taking measurements, giving you no indication if you need to worry about all his bla, bla, blas. Finally, at the end, he said "everything looks as it should". I had some blood work as well, which will be back in a week or so. The ultra sound along with the labs will be evaluated, and then I'll find out our risks, etc.... Sounds fun, huh?

It was reassuring to this little baby today. I try so hard not to worry, but I just do. 

2nd trimester, here I come.

what a day.

I shot a very fun wedding today, and now I am laying on my bed with my feet regaining some feeling:) But, what I really wanted to share was that today we signed a contract on our house. Monday, we had decided to see if we could rent, as we were running out of time. I didn't feel like we were giving up, but in some way we were laying out our fleece, asking God what we should do. We got more than 10 calls that day, which was super encouraging- and stressful, as we then had to think through how to screen, do applications, etc.... My anxiety level was high.

And then Wednesday happened. Three showings.

Thursday we had an offer.

Today we signed a contract.

I know it's not a done deal, but it looks hopeful. and I am feeling less like I am going to lose my mind:)

I can't believe we are moving in three weeks.

lots of posts

I know I keep updating the blog with mundane details, but I am feeling so overwhelmed, it helps me to write it down. My words always seem to help me stay grounded, like getting them out in the universe helps me to see where my hope is (or lack thereof). helps me realize that it's okay to feel like things are a bit out of sorts. helps me to admit- that there are days when I am completely unsure of most things, and there are other days where I am absolutely sure of so much.

One thing that I have known, and that I am really feeling with great intensity right now, is my need to control. I tell Josh that I need him to take over some things, let me off the hook. He does so willingly, but I hardly listen to my own request. I wake with thoughts churning, working the books in my head, making calls, etc... But I am tired, and scared to the core about this little baby, and though I seem tough and unyielding, I am anything but.

I wrote to a friend today that I wish we did not have to fear difficult things in this life. I really believe in having hope, and staying positive- I feel more at ease when I do so, but I also know that the best attitude cannot always prevent pain, and so I carry that burden as well; I carry them both.

These days, I am longing for peace. that long pause. that one long moment of contentment. Space in my mind to be quiet. A moment to be utterly still in. 

Ah, just writing that helps feel like it's a possibility.

weary

We've had a week straight of traveling and family and birthdays. It's been fun and exhausting all at the same time. And now, we are facing all that comes with a leaving a place- and well, it's starting hit home, making me sad in a lot of ways.

There is also the weight of still trying to sell our house, or rent it, move ourselves to middle america (with a 130 pound dog , no less), start a new job(s), make a new home, and somehow not fall into financial ruin:) Lord, have mercy.

I am reminded today, though, how all the little details that overwhelm me, are falling into place. Today, three small things were taken care of, with ease, which  I thought would be more tedious. Then, my sweet mom and grandmother came to help me clean our house, as we have a showing this afternoon. I was really sick this morning, so it was a huge help to have them here. And then, the showing itself- another small gift. 

I don't know how this will all work out, but it will, and with what wee bit of faith I have, I will keep asking God to help us.