a place to rest.

Josh and I continue to wrestle with church, and finding a place our souls can rest. I am sure a lot of you who read this may think we are on some quest, looking for our ivory tower- and in someways, this may be true. In many way, it is not.

The older I get (and the louder my house has gotten), I find myself really longing for contemplative worship. For words I can grab onto. Liturgy that dances in my head during the week when the external noise is so loud I can hardly remember who I am.

and yet, I find at church, I encounter more noise. loud instruments. loud preaching. So much to filter to find that quiet space- and in the end, I just feel lost in the noise.

The church we have settled into here has been a blessing in many ways. I really want to use caution with my words- because this has much more to do with me, than them. Don't I sound like someone who is trying to breakup with their boyfriend..."it's not you- you are WONDERFUL- it's me.....". I feel so conflicted, but at the end of the day, it IS me, my soul, my longings...longings for my own relationship with God. my children, and how they will view spirituality. And I am scared. scared to death of leaving what I know. what is comfortable. and yet the irony, is that I am not comfortable at all.

We were a few weeks away from joining this church, and after a sermon I heard a couple weeks ago, I just can't seem to let go of how different I feel about some crucial things. The sermon saddened both Josh and I terribly. We were both in tears after a lengthy conversation about it- and so here we are, stumped. tired.

leaving these people makes my heart sick. They have been true friends to me- and I feel like we are on such a profound journey right now (josh and I)- and I just don't know how it will turn out (church).

I am one to hate to disappoint. a people pleaser to the core.

but this feels bigger than that.

So, for now, I blame Walker Percy, Annie Dillard, Anne Lamott, C.S. Lewis, Thomas Howard, Flannery O'Connor, John Donne. and the list goes on. People who have blessed me with their writing about spirality and the human condition. People drawn to the historical church- many Catholic.

Josh and I, in our church dreamworld, really want to be in an Anglican Church. Unfortunately, Tulsa is a CRAZY church scene- lots of charismania, and lots of liberal Christianity. The Anglican church is as broken as any, and this has caused many a road block for us here.

And the issue of community continues to be huge for us as well. We believe in living life together- and finding a place where these two longings are married has been so, so difficult.

I don't know where we will land.....but I am eager to know.

one of those days

this has been one of those days. It was Josh's first day of Summer - and I suppose we both had some grand expectations of what life with no work for a couple of months might be like. Well, the first day looked pretty much like all of my days.

chasing and entertaining Annie.

and getting thrown up on. a gazillion times. by millie.

I'm sure we'll settle into some kind of rhythm soon enough- where we can actually accomplish some tasks around the house.

but until then.

more craziness at the jareds....

words

my heart is heavy today in the wake of the loss of my old pastor, Steve.

There are few people who have awakened my heart towards the spiritual like him- and much of what I have found myself pursuing and longing for over the past 10 years is a result of his wise words, sermons, and care for worship and communion.

Steve was also broken, and that story is a complicated one, one I have no business retelling- for I really know so little. I know I lost a pastor- and I have taken time over the years to grieve that- and often find myself still grieving that loss of a shepherd at times. But, time moves on, and eventually you lay some things to rest, and pray for the wideness in God's mercy- for you and everyone you know. We certainly need it. He was no different.

I have thought about Steve today. Released from this world that we fight so hard to stay in, because all the people we love are here, I guess. This same world that fights us back at every turn, it seems. I was just watching the news, at the tornado devastation just a 100 miles from our home. I long for a truly safe place. but there is no such thing, it seems. Not this side of heaven.

When Steve started our little church Red Mountain- he always quoted C.S. Lewis's "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe"

Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion, the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, abd make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the king I tell you.

Thankful tonight, for words that live on.

rain and grace

the rain falls steadily outside this morning.

it's quiet, in between baby tears and toddler demands.

I do not let them overcome me. this morning, anyway.

Instead I tune my ears to the rain, and the rest is background noise.

I think about the rain, how it makes things green. makes us slow down. watch our steps.

my dear friend drove through Oklahoma the other night. the conversation was so good- and I am reminded of how much we need those conversations.

years pass between us, but the roots are deep and wide. wide enough to contain a continent.

Fitting for it to rain this morning, watering those roots, giving them more drink to sustain the long years it may be until we meet again.

Living in Oklahoma, I feel this way about so many people whose presences are few and far between.

I pray for the rain.

to water them so we survive the distance.

opinions, questions, this and that....

ok- Anne Curry as the new Today Show host? I like Anne- she seems really compassionate, down to earth, etc...but that role seems to need something fresh- a bit more personality, maybe? I've watched the Today show for a long time- I don't know- maybe she'll surprise us. I just don't love how she interviews. I would have put my vote in for Campbell Brown. I loved her when she was on weekend Today- and she is very news savvy and fun. Why didn't they ask me????

Potty training? anyone have a good book/method? Annie doesn't really seem ready to me, but again, I am willing to be surprised....chime in.

have you guys heard of pinterest.com? I love this site. A great place to bookmark your favorite sites- kind of a like a social networking site for your favorite things....go check it out!

Not having much luck with Amelia sleeping during the day. lots of catnaps, but nothing real substantial. She's only 3 months, and it seems like Annie was a little bit older before we really settled into any kind of consistent nap pattern. I am tempted to just role with it, but then I know the structure is good. Sometimes I wish I was more together....

well- baby is crying, and I am pooped.

prayer for a long shot

****miraculously reappeared, in case you want the details....

Annie's alopecia has been on the back burner for awhile. This loss comes in waves of grief and acceptance. The acceptance is hard when you feel like there is just something you might be missing. Annie was at a huge milestone when her hair was falling out, and I have just never been able to let go of that. She had just turned one, Just started drinking cow's milk, and just had her one year immunizations. He hair fell out literally within two weeks of these events.

So, yesterday, we had a metabolic specialist in the special care nursery seeing a newborn, and this Dr. started having a conversation with a coworker of mine. In the conversation, he mentioned how excited he was that the State of OK had added an additional disorder to their newborn screening. In case you didn't know, every baby has blood drawn at 24 hours of age. This blood is sent off and is tested for various metabolic disorders.

This new "disorder" that was added is called biotinidase deficiency. and a main symptom? alopecia.

This hasn't been on the radar at all because #1- it's already screened for in most states. For whatever reason, OK just recently added it. and #2 - it's extremely rare. 1 in 65000 births.

The good news is that is extremely treatable.

Of course, this alone was fairly encouraging to hear- but what was more encouraging was the story he told my coworker. He recently saw a one year old boy, who had been seen by a neurologist because the parents felt like he was overly clumsy. When seen by the neurologist, the dr. realized the boy's hair was falling out, and sent him to see this metabolic specialist. The little boy was formula fed and recently transitioned to cow's milk. The dr. screened him for the the def. and what to do you- he had it. The dr. explained that because formula is fortified with vitamins- kids with this def., if not screened when newborns, can fly under the radar until they start drinking cow's milk- which is not fortified with all the vit. and minerals like formula.

So, of course this is fascinating to me because it is identical to Annie's timeline.

I spoke with her pediatrician today, and she was very excited to screen Annie for this- and so we cross our fingers and wait...

We're going today to have the labwork drawn.

So, this is a long shot, I know. But it's something, and it makes me feel validated for my initial questions and just not being satisfied with our conclusions. In the end, I might have to be satisfied, but as long as things like this pop up- I am going for it. for my child.

weird

I posted a long drawn out post yesterday and somehow it has been erased. so weird.

I'm not going to type it again.

but you can pray for some lab work we had drawn on Annie yesterday. Through some providential conversations, we discovered one other possibility regarding Annie's alopecia. It's a long shot, but a very, real possibility. and a curable one.

If the tests come back positive, I'll go into the explanation.

I am hopeful, but also know that this still might be plain ole alopecia- and either way, we are thankful for a beautiful child. (albeit stubborn, strong willed, and committed to the terrible two's!)

say prayers!

I shall not be defeated

About two days ago, Annie decided she would quit using her words. That is, quit on her whim. There has been lots of pointing and mumbling. and a VERY strong commitment on her end to outlast us. This morning, as I was literally in tears at her refusal to use words, I told Josh- I just don't get the benefit on her end. What does she gain?

Josh basically said for me not to try and understand it. she's 2. and extremely willful.

My dad told me to brush her off, whistle while I work so to speak, and let her know I would be happy to help her when she speaks in words I can understand.

And she CAN still use her words. Last night after feeling like I was about to lose the few marbles I have left, I decided to open the back door and let her blow off some steam or frustration- the door opened and she magically started speaking again. A few minutes later, she and josh were doing something, and josh needed some water and she walked over to the hose to hand it to Josh. Josh said- "Annie, you are SO smart".

She grinned and replied " I SMART!!!"

ugh. she is too smart for her own good.

parenting is hard.

taste of summer

I took the girls walking this morning- which was crazy beautiful, by the way, and you could almost taste Summer. I have come to realize that Spring in Tulsa is a little "gusty" for my taste. unless I am at the beach, I prefer a soft breeze, not one that blows pollen up my nose and knocks your kid off the swing set. (that didn't really happen, but it could, I am certain).

Anyway, I do love early Summer, swimming pools, the sound of sprinklers, and iced tea. I love the coolness of an air conditioned house when you've been sauntering about in the early Summer heat.

All that to say, this morning felt like that.

I'll be singing a much different tune in a couple of months. but then I can talk about my FAVORITE season, Autumn.

have a good day, y'all! Friday is my 24 hour day. meaning, I am up 24 hours because I work on Friday night, and my nap taking days are no more....