the things we say

The comparison game. I think this is women's biggest downfall.

I didn't think it was mine, but I am learning differently.

That thing that wells up inside me when I feel like someone is trying to do better than me.

feed their kids better. feed themselves better. better activities. more reading. less tv.

you know what I am talking about?

My heart leans into the critical. Some folks start feeling insecure, I just get angry.

Why does everyone think they are so damn awesome? Don't they see how BAD they are making people feel (ahem, me?)


And then I think about my own life, my own words, my own journey?

We share these tidbits of our lives, I think, because of the pride (not bad pride) that wells up in us we actually start making strides for good.

When God gives us what we need to be who we want to be.

And that's what I am fighting for today.

I don't know how we fight for these things without coming across judge-y?

I don't know how to receive someone else's victory without feeling condemned?

I think about my own spiritual journey into the Catholic church. How do I write among my protestant friends without sounding like I found what was right, and everything before was wrong?

But I am seeing, that one could feel this way? I hate that.

I hate it because I don't feel that way.

And so, I guess I want to say here, 8 years later on this little blog, that we are all in this together.

I am not better. Being Catholic is not better. I drink Coke sometimes. and eat too many cookies.
I care about health, but I am not always healthy.

at the end of the day, I am just a girl, in need of God's love, and begging the world to find some mercy in the way we treat and write and talk about one another.

I think life must have been easier, in some respects, when you lived on a farm, and didn't know what all 429 of your friends were doing, reading, vacationing, and eating at any given point.

thank you, facebook, for officially making us all generally unbearable:)

we hath this treasure in earthen vessels....

the illusion of a photo.

that life is hot tea, and flip flops, and warm baked bread.

these are all images of my real life.

but my real life is also hacking coughs, sleepless nights, three year old tempers.

It's take out, for a week, because mama just isn't feeling it.

there is always before me, the ideal. the hope. and the reality.

I love among them all. I catch glimpses, even live the life I long for, for brief moments.

but I am always reminded, always- that I hold these treasures in earthen vessels.

this week, I hear of two young mom's living out their last days battling cancer.

Lord, have mercy.

I watch a plane crash on grey's anatomy and remember a dear friend who lost her life in such a way. the tears fall. I am not sure I have ever really cried over her loss.

Christ, have mercy.

I look at my own life. I see an update of Facebook about how someone has planned a Summer full of paleo meals. I feel judged.

Lord, have mercy.

and then I went to Sonic and bought a milk shake. Because I am free. and loved. 

and then I walked three miles, because I am free and loved.

and life is short. I have learned that the most this week.

life

always dishes

cutest baby ever.

bandaid party. Annie is my nurse in training.

annie's pink "whips".

Summer is almost here. 

life update

how is it May? How is it that Millie will be 15 months old next week? How is Annie looking more and more like a little girl, and not my little toddler?

I dropped the girls off at Mother's day out on Tuesday, and my heart sank.

Where is the time going? I came home to a quiet house and realized how much I missed them. I am normally not like this, but every now and then, that panic-y feeling comes over me and I want to freeze time. and just sit with them.

Annie is talking more and more about her hair. She was looking at some stickers in a  Fancy Nancy coloring book the other day, and she exclaimed, "that's annie!!!". I thought it was so interesting, because I do picture her like that, too. And then yesterday, there was this big mural at the yogurt store, and it had a lady with big blue eyes and sweeping blond hair. Annie said, "mommy, that's me. that's my hair".

There is a certain relief to be able to start talking about this some with her. She's getting it, you know.

But then, I am lost. I just have no idea how to guide her. I just keep saying, you are beautiful. you are beautiful. you are beautiful.

I do not think she struggles to believe this. may this gift linger. because it's true.

So, let's talk about the bald barbie.

I have mixed feelings- because, like your girls, my Annie actually likes her dolls to have hair. She likes to play with it, brush it, etc...so although the bald barbie wins points for being sensitive and inclusive, I am just not sold on it. Maybe Annie will find some comfort in something like that- and that will be for her to share with me, and not for me to decide. I could be completely wrong about it. And I am ok with that.

But, if we are going to make Barbie's that look like real women, we have a long way to go. A bald one is a good start- but maybe we shouldn't be taking our physical identity cues from Barbie, anyway.

and Millie- or Millie moo as we call her. She is walking! She is saying a few words, but nothing super distinct.  She is a drama queen. It's hilarious. She climbs on everything. I KNOW we will here a thunk in the night before its all said and done. She will definitely climb out of her crib as soon as she figures it out- no doubt. Annie still doesn't climb. She is totally a cautious first born.

Millie laughs and giggles, and she has the most hilarious walk. She puts her shoulders back and kind of sachets around. It's really funny- and actually reminds me alot of my niece Addison.

Annie continues to RUN everywhere. I think she will be our athlete.

The way Millie eats food, her gifts may lie in the kitchen. and rock climbing, of course.

have a great weekend.