generosity.

"Don't own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire."

— Wendell Berry (Farming: a hand book)

I have always thought of my parents as very generous. They were always generous with us as children, perhaps giving us more than we deserved or was good for us. who knows. but they were generous with letting us see the world and experience it. They were generous with our educations. with their willingness to give us freedom. they were generous with their words. As for things, we had what we needed, and I don't ever recall feeling anxious or burdened by material things. I didn't get everything I wanted, but there was never any guilt or strings attached when I did. Their generosity continues, and I am always humbled by their willingness to add to my life- and again,not just with material things, but words, advice, plane trips, dinner and time, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps my parents became adults when the good times were rolling, as there was always this positive outlook on life- not a blind, naive take on life, but the general feeling that things would be ok. things work out. there is always a way.

and so, I live my life.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how this positive attitude can become careless- at least for me. I am so thankful, in general, for how loosely I approach most money matters. I feel like in general, I show the restraint taught me, but I do think I can meander into carelessness. and lately, well I just feel the need to take a step back, evaluate, and show some restraint. I realized that I was spending a grand portion of the last few weeks trying to figure out how to buy things- and it was really starting to burden me.

the irony.

the reality is that I don't want money to burden me from either side. I don't want to care so much about it that I slip into greed unnoticed. I also don't want to care so little that I lose my sense of generosity or being wise and careful with what I have been given.

I do think I want to hold onto hoping that things work out. jesus talks about that, right? about not worrying about what we eat, and drink, and wear?

when my kids grow up, I am sure they will have a laundry list of things I could have done better. They'll have things they want to differently. I expect that, and hope I stay humble enough to even hope that for them. I do, however, hope they will remember that we were generous. and not generous for generous's sake. but generous because we have been given so much.

so, i am taking a step back this month. nothing new. simple meals. less eating out.

a fast of restraint.

and hopefully some peace and creativity as a result.

thanks parents. you did well.

"There are, it seems, two muses: the Muse of Inspiration, who gives us inarticulate visions and desires, and the Muse of Realization, who returns again and again to say "It is yet more difficult than you thought." This is the muse of form. It may be then that form serves us best when it works as an obstruction, to baffle us and deflect our intended course. It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."

— Wendell Berry

sabbath words

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."

— Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)

dear annie on the occasion of 16 months

dear annie

I wrote letters to you all of the time when you were growing inside me.

and then you came and everything got crazy beautiful. one big crazy beautiful mess. But, I have been thinking, and it would be good to get things down in words, because the days are fleeting, and I find myself already forgetting as each new thing happens.

So, here goes, little one. a little summary of things past. Things, I would want you to know when with past gets hazy.

you have been strong from the get go. strong in heart, spirit, body, and voice.

you have wanted to take anything that comes your way.

tummy time? you were totally there. head up, ready to move way before you actually could.

you loved your swing, and even now when you get to swing you move your head back and forth and say "swing, swing, swing, swing" in the sweetest singy-songy way.

you love being upside down. I think you like the way the world looks that way.

your first word was mamamama

your second was bye.

your third was uh oh.

dadadada was somewhere in the mix.

and now there is "hi"

and "ba!!!" which means "MORE!"- (you made that one up yourself)

there was "sisi" for Welsie

and now you are saying "taint tu"- which is thankyou.

but really, you sing much more than you talk. I have no idea what you are saying, and it is so beautiful. I hope you always sing.

You never meet a stranger, and little girls love to talk to you.

You have the sweetest eyes the world ever did see. blue as the ocean.

you love feist! you hear "1, 2, 3, 4" and your eyes light up and the hands start waving.

you started walking at 12 months. and you are fast on your feet.

you love patty cake and love humming "roll it up!"

you love itsy bitsy spider, especially when I tickle you at the end.

I still give you a bottle when you wake up in the middle of the night. I do this because I love you and even lied to the pediatrician about it.

the things you do for "love" (read: sleep)

I say this is the humblest way. but everybody loves you.

you have a way of connecting with people.

you make them look at you. and they do.

this is a gift and one you will have to learn to use in a wise and humble way.

a few months ago you lost all of your hair.

my friend leslie says that God cares about hair, so we can pray about hair.

you are beautiful with or without hair, and I hope you will always know this.

we all have things in our story that make life challenging.

This is one of the more sobering facts of life, and one we embrace one way or another.

I believe that God weaves these stories even though they are full of brokenness and surprises.

you love food. you get this honestly.

you will eat pretty much anything.

you love baths!

you wake up singing. did I mention you love to sing?

sesame street is your favorite show, and I let you watch it too much.

I am working on this.

at 16 months, you are as spirited as you were the day I met you , when you yanked that god-awful tube out of your mouth as I held you in my arms for the first time. You knew we needed a proper introduction. one that I would remember.

good girl.

love you, sweet annie.

mom

case of the borings...

I haven't had a ton to say this week. It was rainy here this weekend, and I have been missing home and family and friends. Summer will be here soon and we'll be hitting the road and seeing some long lost faces.

until then, enjoying the lush green of Spring and chasing Annie around all day. We're seeing a very THIN layer of blond hair coming in. I am not convinced yet, but it is encouraging to see something.

afternoon coffee? sounds nice.

I should be asleep

but the evening is too pleasant.

I tried my hand at working on a week night this week instead of two weekend nights. What can I say, I have been missing Josh and the babe.

So, the short of it is that I was up for about 25 hours and then came home to Annie this morning sans baby sitter. Let's just say PBS kids did most of the parenting this morning, and then by God's mercy, Annie slept from 10-12:30. I became human again after that nap, and somehow have mustered up the energy to sit in my rocking chair and write a blog.

the evening was calling me.

I am also laughing because we are testing out the sprinkler system we inherited with this new house. We have no idea how to keep a lawn or keep all the beautiful flowers we inherited alive. At any rate, I am feeling a bit yuppy-ish right now. life is funny that way.

well. good night folks.

you should download sandra mccracken's new hymn albun- In Feast or Fallow. very nice. here, actually.

and I totally want to see this. babies.

peace.

our backyard is a park

I LOVE our new backyard. Annie I spent all day yesterday on a blanket with friends.

beautiful days

we've had an amazing week of Spring weather here in Tulsa. We've managed long walks almost everyday- taking in the mild air and Spring blossoms. They are much welcomed after the longest. winter. ever.

we're settling into our new home. the walls are mostly fresh with paint, but that's about it. I have kind of enjoyed the blank space and clean lines. The frames will make their way to the walls soon enough, but for now, we are enjoying taking our time in making this our home. I write this as I sit in my kitchen, adorned with country wall paper. It feels nostalgic.

I also feel a bit sad tonight. I shaved Annie's head today. She had some hair that was hanging on for dear life, but it really was more of an annoyance that anything- and now with our twice daily lotion treatments, it was just getting kind of messy. It actually looks better just gone, and now we'll be able to better gage if any hair will make a come back. I have read things on the internet, and decided I best just stay away from my research at this point. too overwhelming.

We were at the pediatrician's appointment this week for her 15 month check-up, and as Annie was playing in the waiting room, a little boy yelled " mom, she's BALD!!!!"- ugh. my heart broke for what perhaps lies ahead. I know that boy didn't mean anything, but I just felt so helpless. Annie obviously was unphased. She just looked at him with her big eyes and said "hi!!!" Annie checked out ok- she's still on the little side- in the 21% in weight, which just perplexes me because she eats like a horse. She can seriously pack it in.

but what I really should share is that Annie is probably the happiest little human I have ever met. She smiles at everyone, says hello, fully animated with hand movements and all kinds of gestures. she's my little hero.

little miss alopecia

Well, we went to our first of two dermatologist appointments. The doctor diagnosed Annie with alopecia areata. I say diagnose loosely. He looked at her, called another doctor, they concurred, and there you have it, a diagnosis. We started her on topical steroid cream twice a day and are praying for some hair. We see another doctor in May- someone a bit more specialized. This disorder is completely random, lumped in with the many other auto immune disorders out there- the short of it being that Annie's body sees her hair as germs and attacks the hair follicles. The steroid cream supposedly distracts or tricks the body, causing the hair to regrow. It may or may not work. So, we continue on with our days. She plays and laughs at me, as if to day- what's the big deal, mom. what's the big deal.