the website is up

my photography website is up and running. you should visit, and tell your friends.

another saturday morning; more confessions

well, for all my complaining, I have a had a nice couple of weeks. Work has been slower (which is positive in the heart surgery business). The weather has been lovely. I have been reading good books. When I can manage some perspective, I am doing pretty darn good.

I read a letter yesterday from a friend who works for MedAir in Africa. This woman is amazing, the things she sacrifices on a daily basis. The things the SEES on a daily basis. She rides in single engine airplanes and lands on muddy rocks, all to deliver help, food, medical supplies, hope. She faces death almost everyday, in one way or another. I always have this sense of awe and guilt when I read her letters. Awe- that she has chosen to live her life in this way. Serving the people who can't fight for themselves. guilt- all the wars I have in my head and in heart without ever being willing to just DO what I say is true. I fight for myself most, if not all of the time.

she writes, " Listening to music under my ear mufflers, sitting back pondering the work I do, trying to process all the difficult images and stories that come my way. It is all so horrific and often at the same time so majestic and beautiful, so exciting and inspiring, so frustrating and chaotic, that I honestly don’t know where to start in describing it all to you."- anne


I'll be honest, alot of days I feel like I am on a first class seat going straight to you know where. It's a difficult thing to believe that God can love so many kinds of people- let alone, me. I really don't deserve that kind of love. I suppose most of us feel that way- which is why we hang on to being right, things, pride, beauty, friends. I hold the death grip on all of these things, most days.

well, the coffee cup is almost dry. summer is here. my new website will be up NEXT week. I start fertility treatments this month which will prove to be a real treat, I am sure. I am reading three books at the same time, right now, which is also aiding my craziness and rapid thought sequences. oh- and josh and I are starting "8 weeks of healthy living". this year has left us feeling like big, giant marshmellows. day 1 starts today. I wouldn't be surprised if they had to carry us out of the gym on stretchers.

happy holiday weekend...

***we made it through the workout. day one, check! I swam for the last part of my workout and now have no feeling in my arms. here's to health! whoo hoo!

do you ever have days...

that hold all the promise in the world, and then it just all goes to hell because the kinko lady won't help you with the fax machine, and then you are rude to someone you shouldn't be- it's like in a matter of moments, like not even a second, one can lose the will to live. I don't know why somedays it feels like the seams won't hold anything. I wish I knew, or understood. Lately, my patience has been lacking in so many areas. too many questions at the church meeting. too many phone calls from work. too much dog hair. too much laundry. too many doctors visits.- but then tommorrow shows up, and the despair is lifted, and you feel like you can handle this little blue planet. i like those days.

really boring things we did this weekend

these are all the boring things we did this weekend.

1. cleaned out our office, so we could have an office.
2. spent the rest of our christmas money on a Dyson vacuum cleaner (God, help us.)
3. vacuumed our house.


one funny thing. watched alot of these.

three years

three years ago, today, i married the quiet, wise, hysterical joshua jared. we had planned to go out for dinner- but after a long day, we ordered indian take-out, which is a nice thing to do, and one of the many reasons I married the josh.

love the rhodes...

Today started off just right with a visit from bo and tirzah, jackson and rob....dear, dear friends from St. Louis. Thanks tirzah for letting me see your face, even for a brief morning. I miss you and your family more than I realized. have fun at the beach!

simple recipes

I found this site the other day, and made this recipe. Every recipe she posts has been cooked in her kitchen with a picture. a new favorite on the blog roll.

having a morning.

Married language is a strange and beautiful thing. Somewhere along the way, josh and I coined the phrase "having a morning"- which translates into, being alone, reading a book, having some coffee- in general, peace and quiet.

well, I was on the edge last thursday. I had a difficult week at work. I am not saying this to sound like a superhero, but being a part of a surgical team that routinely saves lives is more stress than I want in a day- most days. It has its rewards, but many days I feel the death of my own plans, my own comfort, my own life- and I think, I am done.

my dear friend cassia, and I do mean dear, says we are on a sinking pirate ship. we laugh, because you have to. but even that seems hard sometimes.

and then grace comes. (or your boss goes away for 4 days). I have lived on my porch swing for three days now. I have been reading, and being quiet, having a perpetual morning. It's been a long time since I have been able to be quiet. to actually have a coherent thought. to utter wee little prayers. I have been reading Anne Lamott's second memoir...plan b. further thoughts on faith. she says sometimes the only prayer you have is "help me. help me. save me. save me." my prayers were something like that.


I have also been reading a memoir by scott cairn and his various pilgramages to mt athos- the holy mountain. he says we pray- to glimpse a reality that is already true. I often think of prayer as begging God to change something or give me something- maybe God does those things on his own accord- but prayer allows us to "see" the reality that already is. that sounds wierd, i think, but I am working through this stuff- so forgive the progress.

here are some quotes from the reading. some things I have been chewing on.

To those who have seen The Child, however dimly, however incredulously, The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.... w.h. auden

time and showing up, turn most messes to compost, and something surprising may grow...anne lamott

rule 1: when all else fails, follow instructions
rule 2: don't be an asshole... anne lamott

forgiveness means that it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. you're done. it doesn't necessarily mean you want to have lunch with the person.. .
anne lamott

even the long and difficult path to a life of prayer is understood to be a means of glimpsing, taking part in, living into a reality that- thank God- is already so.- Scott Cairns

it's saturday

a lovely morning out here on the porch swing. it looks like rain, which is nice. we need some rain. I had my second surgery in 6 weeks yesterday. This was much smoother. I mostly slept and watched the rest of season 2 of the OC. Season 2 was a bit shady, darker, more sad. Also, is anyone watching LOST out there? What in the world is going on with THAT show?

I did alot of internet perusing yesterday and happened upon this blog. It's a girly type blog with loads of crafty/design ideas. She is pretty cool, and not tooo mom-ish- if you are into those type of blogs you know what I mean. Some women engage in a level of domesticity that is overwhelming to me and a little over the top. I am not a mom yet, but I know myself well enough to know that my kids will not always have organic bla bla bla for snacks, and three art projects a day, and home-made toys. I also don't think I will shop at four different stores finding the best deals on tooth paste. My kids will be "well rounded"...which means, they will occasionally eat hot dogs, watch videos and eat ice cream.

I think that covers my incredibly lazy day of recovery. I plan to get outside today, clear my head, and eat something organic- because I represent the the kind of woman who loves WHOLE FOODs and MILOS.

so there.

****addendum: For the record, I prefer organic snacks, like home-made toys, and am always up for a bargain, even on toothpaste. I just can't be that GOOD all the TIME. that's all, in case I offended anyone:)