lenten thoughts

This past week at RCIA (this is our Catholic "class" we attend every week, which is basically like 6 months of seminary in condensed form- it's been so great!), Father Jack lectured on the 10 commandments in such a refreshing way (and humbling). Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about "coveting thy neighbors goods".

I think one of the great struggles in my identity and spiritual life stems from this commandment.

This is no fault of my parents. My parents were (and are) very hard working and generous. I am sure there were times we lived beyond our means, but we were not fed with a silver spoon. One of the things (that still annoys me, but I think its very good), is that my Father never handed money over to us. If we needed something, he always asked, "how much do you think you need?". I never wanted to do this work, because it felt humbling, but it really made me think about what I really needed- and I think forced me to be honest.

Another thing that my parents did was send me to a private school (both high school and  college). This, again, was no little sacrifice, but it is also where I learned about my own heart and its tendency to covet. In high school, I was exposed to the elite South, the world of country clubs and exclusivity. I had friends who wore designer clothes and never repeated outfits. They vacationed on Sea Island and spent their Summers at the country club pool.

The irony was that I found this lifestyle really undesirable. It looked and felt ugly to me, and yet at the same time I hated feeling on the fringe. We were hardly poor, hardly suffering, and lived like kings and queens comparatively. Nevertheless, it made an impression, and one I have struggled with my entire life.

Thankfully, college brought the much needed space from that. When kids are separated from their parents and their homes, they tend to make their own identity, and Samford felt that way to me. Sure, I rubbed up against the old demons, but for the most part, I felt good in my own skin.

I was becoming.

I feel like, for most of my life, I have been fighting to be me. I win much of the time, but sometimes I just lose.

Yesterday, I took the girls to the park, and overheard two mom's talking about their 600 K homes. I have plenty of friends who have nice homes, and they are kind, and humble, and would not be having this conversation. But these women were. I had the feeling that one of the women was trying to fit in, earn a friendship, but it just made me feel small, and reminded me what I do not have.

And that's ok. That's not my life. I have a good, blessed life. I have more than I need.

yes, I have linoleum kitchen floors, and they really do a great job of keeping me humble.

I walked away sad yesterday. sad that the old coveting was still there. I repented.

and played on the floor for three hours with my one year old.

because that is what matters.

lent and little ones

my lenten promise is to be present.

present in lent.

present with my children.

it's a big hope. a big goal.

I'll probably fail.

but, i might get better, too.

not better, like legalistic better.

but better, like maybe I'll be more like Jesus better.

with his help, of course.

Lent, for the church, has been a season of repentance. A chance to meditate on the cross.

Traditionally, christians have entered into a season of fasting. This has taken up various shapes or forms over the years.

So, I am fasting from distractions. I am trying to be mindful of the fox that creeps in the vineyard, so to speak.

this changes from day to day, but my eyes are open, watching.

practicing presence.

so, my presence here will be limited. 

the sun is heating up the days. we peek outside, open the windows. it is good.

the funny thing about husbands

last week, I had the poem below, sitting typed out on my desktop, getting ready to post- but I had not copied the author yet, just the poem.

josh sat down to read it.

and he was like, damn, that's really good Brooke.

It took him awhile, and then he realized, it was, alas, not my work of brilliance.

but it was nice that he thought, that maybe, just maybe it could be.

ha.

maybe when all the years pass, and I learn deep and wise things, God will gift me with one, beautiful amazing poem.

until then.

copy. paste. and thanks to all the poets who make sense of my world.

because, I wake, to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I learn, by going where I have to go.

amen.

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.


Theodore Roethke

I, also, learn by going where I have to go.

amelia, on the occasion of her 1st.

dear amelia.

you are one today, with a belly full of love and smiles, and maybe too much cheese.

you are the speediest crawler I have ever known.

you have the cutest dimple in your left cheek.

giggles and smiles, with a nice dose of melancholy, that's what our millie is made of.

you cry when I hand you off to sweet ladies at the nursery. like I've abandoned you. I hate this.

You rarely meet a food you do not like.

You love your sister, but you also know when to bring out the claws.

You are generally good natured and sweet to be around. everybody says so.

You ate your first donut today, because mamma was tired and had not had the chance to make or buy you a cake.

I think we may have started a tradition! krispy kreme for birthdays!

My life has forever changed with your entrance one year ago. The hardest, most beautiful year of my life.

it's always good when God brings you someone to show you how much more love you are capable of.

I had no idea.

not typical, but I'm crazy like that.

so, I've been thinking about things that I love lately, things that make my life easier, more functional.

* my cuisinart griddler I love this thing. Think of it as a fancier George Foreman- and much easier to clean and use. I use this ALL the time. I grill/sear almost all of our meat in it. It always stays out. and I love it more than words.

* This book is changing my life. I am not even being dramatic. My SIL originally gave me a cookbook of her's back when Josh and I got married - "how to cook without a cookbook"- which I still use ALOT. But this book is like a memoir/recipe book- LOADED with easy, healthy dishes. As with her other cookbook, she really teaches how to cook, how to stock your pantry, and how to make simple, lovely, food. I love it because I don't have tons of left overs- just enough to feed Josh and I. I was exhausting myself trying to include the girls in my meal planning, when really, it's just easier for me to cook separately for them. Annie is perfectly content eating yogurt with peaches for dinner, so why waste the money, calories, fat, on making enchiladas big enough to feed a small country? She also talks about how she introduced rhythm and routine into her eating habits, and how basically, it changed her life. She lost 42 pounds and has kept it off.

* my 2:30 coffee date. Every afternoon I sit down for a cup or 2 of coffee. And I do whatever I want. Kids can play, watch tv. I don't really care. This also staves off those afternoon nibbles and gets me to dinner without eating a box of cheezits.

* my bike. I've talked about this already, but I love my bike. or I should say riding my bike. The actual bike broke a couple of weeks ago, and I have been beside myself. Turns out it is totally defective and after I sweet talked an Amazon Rep for an hour, I got her to refund the entire bike. I might have mentioned "lawyer" a couple of times, but I spent 600.00 on this bike and I wasn't having it. It became clear that I had "won" when the rep (and I) realized this bike had been bought by a company that sells teddy bears and were trying to unload them. This is totally illegal- and I think from the recent reviews, I am not the only one this is happening to- The actual company that sold the bike is now defunct, bla bla bla- It was actually an awesome bike, had it worked, but oh well. My new one gets her tomorrow.

BUT my point, is that having something accessible, in my home, that I LIKE, has been wonderful and life changing.


ok, my coffee cup is empty. and the kids are, well, needing me.

oh well, more later