35 years old.

That feels like a lot of years.

As I wobbled around the mall today with my new pedicure, I felt every year lived. There is a reason they describe pregnant women 35 and older as "advanced maternal age". It's because they are too old to be doing this!

Anyway, I don't have anything huge and reflective to say on the occasion of my 35th. It's been a long year with Annie's hair loss and a new job and a sick (but welcomed) pregnancy. I will be ready for February to bring our sweet Amelia, for exercise and general well being, for friends back in our home, and newborn cuddles all around. Until then, we'll hunker down and endure the cold, grey January days that await us. There is much to be thankful for on this eve of the New Year, and I rejoice in that, however advanced and maternal I may be:)

I am most grateful for Annie this night and the fact that she is healthy and sleeping for now!

And I am also thankful that I enjoyed a delicious pub meal for lunch, and my pancreas didn't fire me. Take that, gestational diabetes.

checking in.

Hope you guys had a Merry Christmas out there. I am jealous of all the white snow that many of you had!

Ours was low key this year. Annie succumbed to another virus on Christmas Eve, followed by nights of not sleeping, and a diagnosis of "an ear full of fluid" today. ugh. This month of sickness has wiped me out physically and emotionally, as I waddle around, stirring up Braxton Hicks contractions and eating sugar free strawberry jello. jealous?

So, December ended up being a bit overwhelming with little nourishment for my heart. I missed every Sunday of Advent, and the Christmas Eve Service, which I was really looking forward to. I know this is part of the package- parenting and raising the little ones- but sometimes you feel like your little one is getting picked on way too much. But then she's on her way to a three hour nap (like right now) and you think you might actually be able to have a coherent thought again. The sun may shine again. You might actually be able to unwind with a glass of wine again one day, and enjoy a big ass brownie.

Thankfully, Josh took Annie to the Dr. today. It would have been my 4th time in a month (and she goes next week for her 2 year check-up, so at least we have next week covered should something else come our way)- but I just didn't have the emotional stamina to walk into that office again. I felt like we needed new questions, anyway, and Josh is good and covering the bases in that regard. Our biggest one, of course, is when do we call it quits with these ear infections. She said 4-6, and then we get an ENT consult. I hope she doesn't get anymore, but I will not hesitate one iota to have tubes placed. We need a sleeping Annie before Amelia arrives.

With all that said, we are blessed, and even in our fatigue, I know this. A little beaten down, but not defeated.

And now we look ahead to a new Year- a big year for our family! Hope the nesting kicks in soon....

hey yall

it's christmas, yes?

I work tonight and it's cooollllddd here. I just can't seem to get into the Christmas jive yet.

maybe tomorrow. when I have awoken from my work coma.

and we dress annie in a sweet red dress and sing carols at church.

and the fire roars. and we put Annie's presents together.

today. it's all work. clean house, finish stockings, deliver a few gifts. laundry.

and nap, of course.

here's to Christmas Eve! get here soon!!!!

birthday letter

icing on the cake

well, as if we were not sick enough, Annie got coxsackie virus over the weekend (hand, foot, mouth)- blisters all down her little throat. Let me just tell you- it was a real treat!

She seems to be on the mend, and Josh's mom, who was originally coming to town to make candy with me and attend my baby shower, ended up taking care of Annie so we could regain some of our sanity.

We seem to be slowly on the mend.

Sweet Annie's birthday was yesterday. We kept it low key. a little cupcake and some toys. She was happy.

Hopefully future blog posts will be more festive, joyful, and merry....

and so it goes....

the week just kept getting more interesting.

double ear infections for annie.

I finally got what she got, and my ears don't feel so hot either.

oh, I failed my 3 hour glucose test.

yeah, so I met with my "diabetic counselor" yesterday, and I gave up my love for orange juice for the next 9 weeks. (which, by the way, my "counselor" thinks this may have been the culprit. I have been drinking LOTS of orange juice. the entire pregnancy. Its been one of my only cravings....

anyway, the good news is that all of my blood sugars have been normal since I started checking them yesterday- so if I lay off the juices I should be ok. and of course, sweets and coke and that kind of thing- which is always a challenge around the holidays. Thankfully, I don't care too much about all that right now, so it shouldn't be an issue...

hopefully we'll spend the weekend getting well.

we sure do need to feel well around here.... it's Christmas, for the love!

cold and grey

is it gray or grey? I always forget.

well, winter is here. I knew it would be. I just don't like it. unless it's snowing, and I'm in Colorado. on vacation. with unlimited amounts of warm, fashionable gear.

but I'm in tulsa, with 2 pairs of maternity jeans.

I took the horrid 3 hour glucose test today. It was as awful as I remembered.

And then I woke up with something that feels in between a cold and the flu.

Needless to say, I am not working tonight.

Alas, tomorrow is a new day. Annie has school, and I plan to get caught up on something, unless of course this cold/potential fluish thing decides to take up residence.

in good news. Annie's sleeping habits are turning a corner. She has consistently slept past 6 am since last weekend! Her naps have been stellar, too.

makin' progress....

almost over

I can't believe my mom and Jim actually got to come after all the drama last week, and I can't believe they leave tomorrow. It's been a nice time of eating, Christmas decorating, much laziness, and some shopping. We may have even managed to get Annie's schedule changed a bit, so she naps later in the afternoon, goes to bed later, and wakes up later! We'll see if it sticks, but here's to hoping! My 5am mornings are killing me.

Last night we drove around and looked at Christmas lights. Annie loved it, and said "beautiful" for the first time.

I definitely missed being in Macon. I love being home for the holidays, and would have loved to have seen my sweet grandmother, sister, my dad and jackie. It will probably be Summer before we make it back South, and I just choose not to think about how long that seems.

Just so thankful this year for so many things. Most of all, that my grandmother is going home from the hospital today. It's really just amazing that she is here with us.

I am not thankful for the continuing fight to feel well. I am working on it, but all I can say is that it is the 3rd trimester, and I am already SO OVER YOU.

cheers:)

a week of crazies

I am glad to tell you that my grandmother is doing great. Her cardiac cath was totally clear with no damage to her heart muscle. She had an AICD/pacemaker put in yesterday, which will hopefully ward off any more incidents of cardiac arrest at anniversary parties. It's been an emotional week, with lots of unknowns. We're all breathing a little easier now. Well, some are. It's currently 4 am and I have heart burn, so I'm blogging.

My step sister in law had a beautiful baby girl yesterday and then spent the day having blood pressure instability and passing out. So we left one crisis and entered another. Last I heard, she was being monitored a bit more closely, but she was resting and feeling better. I hope so.

We bought bourbon and wine last night to welcome my mom and Jim to Thanksgiving today. I think they will need it. Especially if they survive flying through ATL and DFW today after such a week of difficulty.

I can't brag much. I just survived one night of work, a week of being 27 weeks pregnant, and a trip to Target on Thanksgiving Eve, in which I had to stop every few minutes to take a deep breath from Amelia's stomping on my bladder.

With that said, much to be grateful for today.

even if the one night Annie seems to be sleeping all night, I can't sleep.

mary

saying prayers for my sweet grandmother mary tonight. She had a seizure/heart attack today in the company of her closest friends. There was a defibrillator on site and someone who knew cpr- the two combined saved her life. She's resting in the hospital tonight and getting tuned up a bit for a cardiac cath tomorrow. Will know a bit more after the cath re: damage, blockages, etc...Praying the damage was minimal, that no surgery will be necessary, and that she can resume her very full life.

If you have ever met my grandmother, you know she is a force to be reckoned with. She's dodged many a bullet in this life- but the people who love her refuse to let her leave us. She told my mother that she died today. She felt the worst pain of her life, which is saying a lot.

Mostly I am just so thankful for that couple who was married 50 years today, and the party they threw, and that my grandmother was there, among so many people that she loved. She would have most likely been alone this afternoon, resting after a morning at church. The outcome would have been much different. I do not always understand the mercy of God, how it befalls so generously at times, and other times seems so distant. I am thankful that it was near today.

Needless to say, there was about an hour today when we knew very little, and I was trying to figure out how to face a day I have dreaded for as long as I can remember. I love that lady, and am utterly thankful for her life. I am so glad I got to hear her voice a few minutes ago.

"I'm here", she said.

26 weeks

I should probably document this pregnancy (besides all the moaning), just a little bit, for the sake of memories. So here I am, 26 weeks. Or 12 weeks from delivering (God willing). I'll hopefully find out tomorrow what our actual surgery date is. I am pushing for 38 weeks. I have no desire to go into labor again, which means, of course, that I will- but anyway....

Amelia continues her acrobatics. And the contractions seems to come on in the afternoon, after I have chased Annie all day and what not. All in all, I pretty much stink at the pregnancy bit, no news there.

As for cravings. Slightly sweetened iced tea. peppermint patties. potato soup and bread from Panera. Occasionally mexican. But mostly it is just wherever the wind blows my appetite, which is in many assorted directions. Josh is LOVING it. (not)

getting closer

I am at the point in this pregnancy, where the nights seem to last forever. Between Amelia karate chopping me for the first two hours, and Annie waking up 5 times, and me being supported by large number of pillows....well, you get my drift.

I hit a point of weariness this weekend. and there were tears. Tears because though I am not "sick" anymore, I still am fairly picky about what I feel like eating, and would prefer a feeding tube at this point. Tears for lack of sleep and a karate chopping baby in utero. Tears for Annie because she is sick and needy, and bald- and all of those things I wanted to change. Tears because I find this stage of life incredibly challenging, and constant death of self is enough to warrant plenty of tears on any given day. Tears because I work night shift, and lately it just feels like torture to work ALL NIGHT LONG. Thankfully, I have had a bit of a respite, and have been off for two weeks- mostly due to luck and a low amount of babies being born in the last two weeks. Tears for home, for old friends, old churches. Tulsa continues to feel like my wilderness, and I try diligently to not wish our time here away, but I have my days, where I long for the landscape and culture of my home. my friends. my family. my history.

So there you go. Every now and then, you just have to tell it like it is. No worries, the self pity will pass, it always does. But sometimes you just miss things, and feel bad, and wish things were slightly different. That's ok.

It's a beautiful day here. We'll probably visit the dr. with hopes for a medicinal cure for sweet Annie and her little fever. PBS kids will help me survive the morning. and all will be well.

help!!!

yall- I need help with Annie's sleeping. We're all about to lose our minds. Anyone read a good book?

I think alot of this is having a cold and teething, but seriously, we're all a bit on edge around here with the lack of sleep...

and what about tossing food on the floor? NOTHING is working. Time out, slaps on the hand. If you are not RIGHT there when she is done eating, she just tosses it as far as she can.

whew, I have a very cute, strong willed human being to raise.

HELP!!!!

pumpkin patch

We made it to the pumpkin patch this year. It was on Fall Break, so it was insanely crowded, but Annie liked the goats (and the pumpkins, too). She basically just enjoys outdoors and people, so it was a home run for her. Me, not really into petting zoos, but it's fun nonetheless.

23 weeks

I realized today that I have hardly mentioned a word about our newest baby girl. I'll be curious one day what was going on about now, as the realization that this will most likely be my last pregnancy seems to settle in a bit. Being pregnant is not my favorite past time, but I know it is a privilege, gosh do I know.

So, not TOO many interesting facts.

@ 23 weeks- I am basically not sick, but have moments of just not feeling well. Heartburn is a drag. Not drinking or eating enough per dr. and little weight gain, so trying to work on that. Feel the baby ALOT. she likes to jab and flip a lot I can tell. She has a lower heart rate than Annie- Annie always hung out in the 170's and this one is a 150's girl.

Speaking of she, she does have a name (in progress).

Amelia.

middle name still to be determined.

Starting to feel a bit overwhelmed about life with 2. I have no idea how you families do it out there with 3 kids and up. I would have had to start having kids a lot sooner I think to pull that off with any measure of success. I am not even close to being out of the baby phase, but I am eager for road trips and camping and normal sleeping patterns, art lessons. I know, I know- one season at a time, babies are precious, and I do love mine. But I have my days, like today, where you just feel like you're running on one those hamster wheels, spinning in circles, wondering exactly what you are trying to accomplish. wondering why your child is almost 2 and still wakes up 4 times a night. laughing that I slept in 3 different locations last night in the attempt to find a peaceful sleep. the hilarity and sincerity of my husband trying to teach Annie to say, "yes, daddy" in regards to understanding why she is time-out. A very sweet moment, as josh tries to teach Annie about repentance- and yet her stubborn heart will only say "want down", over and over and over. I can relate to such stubbornness.

So, there you go. A small update on life @ 23 weeks with #2.

sweet, mundane, hilarious, frustrating, deep, rich.

and tired.

Fall Break

It's Fall Break in our house, and our "staycation" officially starts tonight. It fittingly rained all day and the colors are changing slowly around here. Annie had school today, so I enjoyed some alone time. I even painted my toenails red, but that was not so easy with my growing middle. I haven't been brave enough to look at them in decent light. I imagine they look pretty bad.

I have a "few" small goals this week- one being to finish the guest room. We've been mid project for several months, but I am ready to have that room back. I am also in that unfortunate stage of pregnancy that requires lots of pillows and readjusting to actually fall asleep. I have resorted to the couch many a night, but my back is paying the price. The sad thing is that I am only 22 weeks.

Another goal I have this week is to actually hang some pictures. I have not hung ONE picture since moving into our house. I actually need frames, and frames cost money, so I have been cheap. I keep thinking we'll make it to IKEA soon and I can go crazy then, but that keeps getting pushed back, and back. If I thought logically about it, I could spend the same amount by buying the same type frames from Target, sans the gas expense of driving to Dallas, but I need an IKEA fix, so I'll probably hold out.

Meanwhile Annie continues to brighten our days. She is such a sweet soul in more ways than one. She's my little artist. My little dancer. And she LOVES butterflies. Guess what SHE is going to be for halloween.

oh yeah, gotta make the costume. one more goal.

Did I mention that I have started tearing down the wall paper in Annie's bathroom? yeah, that is a real blast. But it's going to look SO much better when it's down and painted. One day she'll get new countertops and a new sink- but that will be a while.

boring post. see ya after our break. Hopefully with something to show for it.

little red rocking chair

The three years Josh and I tried to have a baby were so very long. and often sad. often frustrating. often isolating.

One afternoon I went to a large consignment sale. and I bought this little red rocking chair.

I bought hope that day.

I often looked at that chair and wondered if it was false hope.

just superstition.

but it was an icon, really.

something tangible to represent the intangible.

Today, I found Annie sitting in her rocking chair. holding her baby doll.

She was rocking it, and then asked her if she wanted to hear a song. the baby said yes, of course, and Annie started belting out a sweet baby lullaby. I wonder what she was singing?

I had to smile. at my little icon made real and full. full of melody and life.

praise God to whom all blessings flow.

Fall.

Words cannot express my thankfulness for the arrival of Fall. I feel like we have somehow lived through the longest Winter and Summer ever. I'll take a long Fall. Bring it on.

I am still at war with mosquitos in our back yard. Hope they leave (die) soon? Annie's sweet little head would appreciate it.

Speaking of Annie. She continues to bring us much joy and exhaustion daily. She is sweet and friendly, animated, hungry, willful. She is a creative soul, which makes my heart glad. She sings and dances. Loves being outside. She is talking so much. Many made up words, lots of real ones. All in all, she's a delight. I love being her mom.

I am feeling much better. Been battling a number of colds for the past 3 weeks. This is getting old, but it is SO much better than being nauseated.

I have been cutting back on work, some. Working nights has been incredibly challenging while pregnant. I have the chance this next month to work day shift, and I am eagerly looking forward to the break. This may end up being a long term gig, which I would be just elated about, I think. I have loved working with all of my wonderful night shift ladies, but I tell you- working that shift with small kids is not for the faint of heart.

I just finished reading "The Help"- what a good book. I just loved the characters in the book, and love reading about the South- even though the content of this book shows a more dark side. It was still very much relatable, and got me thinking, and remembering people in my own life.

Well, I realize this post was a real snoozer. But life is like that sometimes.

but I opened the windows today, and lit candles, and cleaned my house. and read a book.

simple. boring. good.

wish list

aren't these so pretty? These are definitely going on the tree this year. I wonder how small they are? I bet small.

here

and for annie? she LOVES music. also here

and how cute are these (not new baby's name, by the way)?

been looking for something over Annie's crib. Since she is almost two?!?

you guessed it, also here

and while I'm being over greedy. I have my eye on this

one can wish, right? now I gotta go cut some coupons.

pink

So, we're having another girl!

oh my goodness. what will josh do with all of this drama?

everything looked great. still no weight gain (for me).

I celebrated with a very large cheeseburger.

and now a nap.

better

Even though Annie didn't fall asleep until 1 am last night, and my throat feels like it's full of razor blades, I am happy to say this day has ended well, with some peace, and a sleeping child.

I just listened to a talk of an old friend of mine, a woman whose house was the first home of our beloved church in St. Louis, Grace and Peace. There is so much about my time there that feels like a foundation to my story- our story, that it felt so peaceful to sit under this wise woman's words, even over the internets. I felt like I was back in her home, eating for lovely food, and enjoying her kind presence. We loved her and her husband's home. The Walker Percy print that hung on the wall as you entered the house. We knew we were in kindred territory early on. She catered my wedding. Prayed for us. Sent us off with a picnic lunch when we moved away. Chicken salad sandwiches cut into hearts. I cried my eyes out when I opened up that box in the middle of Mcdonalds somewhere in Kentucky.

It is good the hear the words of a woman who has lived 77 plus years of life. She spoke of periods where her and her husband hobbled through life. And yet, to hear her recount the life story, it is filled with such joy. such gratitude. such contentment.

To think that one day, these sleepless nights. These disgruntled church years. This wilderness season, will be but a blip on the radar.

you can listen here

house of sickies

well, annie managed to to catch a cold, get three or 4 mosquito bites all over her little bald head, and get a black eye this week. oh, and forget to sleep for like 4 nights.

as you can imagine, it's just been, like, so much fun around here.

and then, last night at work, I felt my throat slowly starting to seize up and hate me. Hacking led to previous a formentioned on this here blog, umm yacking, and well, it all just went down hill from there.

The good news is that it's rained here all day, I had a babysitter for the morning, Josh got home early and brought his sickly bride soup, and Annie slept 3.5 hours.

I have done plenty of sleeping, too.

I still feel like bricks invaded my sinuses, and my throat has seen better days, but I am glad for my bed, and loved ones, and the hope that I will feel better again.

I'll be back soon....

tidbits

Well, words cannot express the relief that has come with the change in our weather. I can honestly say I have never lived anywhere where it has been THAT hot for THAT long. I drove halfway to OKC today to drop Annie off with her grandmother- sunroof open, streaming a great Pandora station- cool breeze. I could just feel my pulse settle into a steady rhythm. I made it home, turned off the AC, opened all the windows, and let the fresh air find itself back into our home. I managed to do some dusting, take a small nap, and make a grocery run. Then, of course, my dear companion nausea kicked in, so I took my other dear friend Phenergan, and all should be well soon.

allright- here is some linkage.

• thanks to charlotte, got reacquainted with Frazey Ford of the former Be Good Tanyas. Looking forward to marinating in her music and lyrics very soon.
• thinking about using these with the next baby. Went to a workshop here yesterday. Lots of options, kind of overwhelming, but seems easy enough. opinions welcomed.
• want some of these cuties for Annie. shug??? big daddy??

sweet annie

drawing a blank

I know that I don't have to write here. It's a space. open for my words when they need a place to dwell. but silence is ok and I try to respect that when I need to. Sometimes I want to write, but I worry about leaning in one mood too often. So, I draw back. let things marinate awhile. Sometimes my heart is just full of criticism and I try, perhaps not well, to not make this a dumping ground wherein I share about all the things that annoy me about people and how ultimately nothing really ever meets my expectations. I read blogs like that, and my heart tightens- and I just wonder what good it does. There is a place for being real, and I certainly champion that, but sometimes restraint is good. especially when you are mad. That happens a lot here. I get the words down. I read them. My heart feels more heavy than when I started. and I press delete.

When one feels as sick as I have been feeling, one has the time to think a lot. And I have been grieving some about our life here and how it goes so slow sometimes. How our choices don't always seem to line up with our commitments, and I just feel lost as to how to make that better. I give myself some grace as we wade through this "valley of the diapers" phase of life- but I just have this nagging sense that I might regret not trying harder.

So, here I am, in this nice middle class neighborhood, and I hardly know my neighbors. I drive to church on a main road, with no foot traffic at all. I wonder how accessible such a place is to the wanderer. I crave history and liturgy and community, and somehow feel like we have found none in the pursuit of all 3. I feel, often, less identified with a group that I have always felt so secure in. The Church. When dusk arrives and the nausea seems to triumph, my prayers are weak, and I feel inspired by little.

and I think, this is not my best season.

but I have hope, despite it all.

a good husband, who prays well.

and we have Jesus, which I hang on for dear life. or maybe it's the other way around.

first day

josh went back to school, and so far Annie and I have survived with a little help from our friends.

went to the park this morning and ran into some friends, which always helps in the getting your child exhausted category.

A.M. bath because somebody likes to play with all the wood chips in said playground.

snack, some quiet time in the pack-n-play, and then 2 hour nap. FOR BOTH OF US!

an afternoon trip to the grocery for fruit, fixins for tacos, and coke. because the nausea was setting in and for some reason, just like with Annie, coke is one of the only things that stays down. Diet doesn't. in case you wondered. I tried it already.

the heat was so ridiculous, I barely made it the .5 mile home.

but I did.

We cranked up some tunes and played on the floor.

then the nausea really came on and Dora came to my rescue.

and now I am staring at the clock hoping some handsome young man walks through the front door. soon.

you will thank me for the parts of this day that I left out. Trying to not make this a diary of my upchucks.

the moral of the story. we almost made it. small victories. but victories indeed.

I should say thank you

to josh.

who takes his vows seriously, even though I know how hard that must be some days.
especially lately, when each day is a mystery as to how I might feel.
even now, he is at church with Annie, as I spent the wee hours dry heaving into that beautiful porcelain goddess.
I even tried to get Annie up this morning, let him sleep some, but I barely got her into the highchair until it all started again, into a not so aromatic trashcan.
Annie spent the remainder of the morning, so I am told, spitting on the floor. they apparently copy everything.

I am finally up. The house is quiet. Pandora plays.

and I am drinking a Dr. Pepper. with sugar. because desperate times....

relief.

For some reasons beyond any hope I could have mustered up, the sickness and fatigue seem to have lifted. It's not ALL gone, but I was out of bed ALL day today, and even cleaned the kitchen. The fog of the past 5 weeks has been so depleting, and I just feel so thankful that I am rounding some kind of corner.

We got to see baby jared #2 this past Friday. Dr. B couldn't find the heartbeat, so we got to have another ultrasound. Baby #2 was WILD doing kinds of karate moves and acrobatics. I was really happy to see just an active little soul.

I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how hard this having babies, raising toddlers phase of life is. I am sure there are folks out there who do this with more ease and natural ability. I find it to be humbling work.

On another note, I just watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition and cried throughout the entire thing. I find these people's stories so inspiring. Perspective is good.

Well, I am off to sleep. yeah, it's 8pm.

cravings

It's 10:3o in the morning, and my little one is being carried to her sweet grandmother's for a few days, so we can work, catch up, work some more. I should be sleeping, but kissing her little bald head before she left woke me up, and I find myself stirring, along with my stomach.

such is life these days.

I have been really craving- not food- but space. Peaceful, uninterrupted, nature filled space. But then I think about getting to such a place, packing, cars, airplanes, planning- and my mind gets cluttered, and I pause, and think, there must be something else I want more. getting there is just too hard.

and I then I think, most things worth getting to, are hard. take work, sacrifice.

And when I am honest, I think what I am craving is escape.

I can't be in a kayak on a peaceful morning in the gulf. but I want to be. I want the weight lifted off. I want the burdens gone. I want the nausea to goes its merry way. I want to feel like me for one split second. I want to feel like me for one split second in a heavenly place.

Ironically, what is coming, is more beautiful, hard work. Another mouth to feed, to love and nourish. My heart aches at where the strength will come from. But it will come. Love gives in that way. It pours out from the heavens like manna. like mystery. like a gift.

I won't always feel this way. This on empty, get me out of here so I can breathe again, feeling. The nausea and long days will pass, and they will be very distant memories soon enough. Sure, I'll have these feelings again. And, hopefully I'll be lucky enough to escape a time or two.

84 things

inspired by jorja over here:

1. the older I get, the less I care about being right.

2. I have listened to sad, melancholy music all of my life.

3. I secretly like chick lit.

4. I openly like romantic comedies.

5. I love independent film.

6. St. Louis feels like the place I became me. It was beautiful and hard. really hard.

7. Tulsa feels like the place I fight to be me.

8. Birmingham feels like home.

9. Macon feels like childhood, one I am fond of.

10. I love to swim.

11. I am not organized at all.

12. I long to be organized.

13. I prefer cozy over bright sunlit rooms.

14. My husband thinks I am a vampire.

15. I sometimes wonder if I am beyond God's mercy.

16. I sometimes am utterly sure of God's love.

17. Structure makes me crazy.

18. I typically do better with structure, even though I inwardly rebel.

19. I usually buy at least 2 of something if I like it.

20. I don't like to be bothered when I shop.

21. In my ideal world, I would live on the coast.

22. In my ideal world, I would be anglican.

23. being pregnant makes me sick. really sick.

24. this will be my last baby.

25. my daughter will probably be bald the rest of her life, and I have yet to really come to terms with that.

25. I hate the fall and all of its curses.

26. however, I love the season of Fall, and wish it were here right now.

27. I could live in a commune- with reasonable boundaries.

28. I am more liberal than conservative. see #1.

29. I mostly think people have enough crap in there own lives, that beyond love, folks should generally mind there own business.

30. I have learned #29 the hard way, on numerous occasions.

31. I don't really like museums, but want people to think that I do.

32. I love coffee, but not right now.

33. I am utterly thankful to have some of the most beautiful friends, all over the country.

34. I wish they would move here.

35. I don't know why they would.

36. I do not use coupons, even though I probably should.

37. I really need a vacation. like a real one.

38. I'll choose hanging out just about over anything.

39. I love christmas lights.

40. and hamburgers.

42. I usually wear one pair of earrings until I lose one of them. then I buy a new pair.

43. I pay too much to get my hair cut.

44. I am starting to understand what people meant when they said to enjoy being single.

45. I love my life, my husband, and my baby (ies). but life is full and hard on most days. see #37.

46. I have a job that I actually like.

47. I used to write a lot of bad poetry.

48. I have lost a dear high school friend in a major commercial airplane crash. There were no survivors.

49. I have learned that gut feelings are usually right.

50. I often wash colors and whites together.

51. I am not very particular (See#50)

52. I secretly love office supplies, though I have never worked in an office.

53. I love the smell of new books.

54. I love technology.

55. I want an Ipad AND a kindle.

56. my level of wants often makes me feel like #15.

57. I value honesty.

58. Rules make me weary.

59. I believe wholeheartedly in living a sacramental life.

60. I am still trying to figure out what that means.

61. I think pastors should talk less in worship.

62. I am a cynic when it comes to politics.

63. I think sarah palin is a joke.

64. I go to bed early.

65. I rise early.

66. I like long walks.

67. sometimes I am scared what the day will bring.

68. my 2nd child is due feb 21

69. I love my grandmother.

70. I went to seminary but did not graduate.

71. I am pretty sure I will regret that.

72. I love food.

73. I should probably eat less of it.

74. I don't wear high heels. ever.

75. I might if I were skinnier.

76. I am sporty, but not outdoorsy.

77. my husband has made this distinction based on the fact that I do not know how to identify a flea.

78. I could have been a decent athlete with some discipline and coaching.

79. but not a runner.

80. crowds annoy me.

81. small talk annoys me more.

82. I love memoirs.

83. I am almost done with this list.

84. I just made pizza dough.

the long haul

I feel like I am slowly getting my mind around this pregnancy and trying to set myself up for a more positive experience this go round. So far, it feels like a long shot, but one can hope.

Because it's still Summer, and my sweet Josh is home, I am super lucky to take things at my own pace (ahem, which is more like no pace)- but that time is coming to an end shortly and like it or not, I need goals. hope.

This is hard when nothing stays in your esophagus very long. yes, people, alot of my food rarely makes it to its desired home. This is part of my ongoing battle with horrible pregnancies.

nothing. goes. down.

It's like my throat becomes the size of a straw. It's weird.

anyway, we saw little baby jared numero 2 this week. Heart rate was beating fast at 179. I am still timid as the weeks are early, but it was nice to see the little one in there. Something to see and hope on when the days feel so long and without relief.

So, as I realize this may be a reality for me for the next 7 months, the necessary decisions are making there way to the forefront.

I heard elizabeth gilbert of eat, pray, love say she wanted a "bigger, smaller, life".

I am there. less is more. it's just so hard to do.

So- on July 30, I shoot my last wedding.

my last, blazing hot, Summer wedding. This will be my 6th this Summer- which although this money has been nice, it really did steal my Summer away in many ways.

I feel relieved. elated.

I am sure I will still do my portrait sessions here and there. I enjoy them, and I have made many friends and connections with them- but it's on my terms now. When I want to do them. If I want to.

It's my bigger, smaller life.

Needless to say. I am eager for Fall. Eager for the first trimester to be over. Eager for relief from this crazy schedule of mine.

stay tuned....

settling in

we've been lazy here this week.

getting over the shock of travel. man, we were beat down.

My body has seemed to settle down today. After an unfortunate wake up call to the porcelain god, one zofran, one zantac later, I feel much better. almost human.

this, oddly, makes me hopeful.

my doctor's appt. got postponed until tomorrow. This whole pregnancy is so odd, I mean to not have any of this even confirmed. It's oddly made me less anxious.

I was able to free up enough space in my mind to read an entire page of a book today. I feel my heart longing for refreshment and rebirth- and yet this sluggishness and exhaustion that has taken over me, makes it seem impossible to have any kind of thought, much less a new, refreshing one.

I also feel this overwhelming sense that I am falling short with Annie. She so deserves my time and attention, and yet I find the task to be overwhelming sometimes. The Summer heat doesn't help. I long for Fall and Spring. Where the outdoors welcome us more sweetly.

Annie is 1 year and 1/2? When did this happen? She is starting to really talk a lot. Saying all kinds of phrases. Some are not easily translatable, but they are cute none the less. My current favorite is "all done!", wherein she uses the classic "talk to the hand" maneuver. It's hilarious. She is very theatrical, that girl.

gotta go.

I should get this down.

to remind myself that I am not super human.

that traveling a week and a half with a small child will all but kill you.

that traveling after your busiest work month is not restful, but just might drive you to insanity.

that seeing family is totally worth it, but may want to rethink the next trip, and by that, I mean hire a nanny.(yeah, right)

to remind myself that it won't always be this hard. I won't always feel this bad.

so, we're home. we're tired. I have a ton to get done this week, but all I really want to do is sleep. for days.

Annie had a rough go of it this trip. She's just not a traveler. at least not yet.

I was sick the whole time. Looks like this pregnancy is going to keep me humble. need prayers.

and on a side, but highly more important, note... on our last night in Georgia, my cousin was in a very bad car accident. He is holding his own, but has significant injuries. We are all sick with sorrow and praying constantly for him and my family.

Well, thankfully my child is sleeping. and I am not far behind her.

missed you folks. I'll be back soon.

a blog post from "shug" (my mom)

my mom wrote this today and asked me to post it on my blog. I thought it was very sweet of her.

So many times I have wanted to respond to the blog written or to the encouraging and affirming responses. I want to shelter the one that hurts and celebrate and thank the ones who offer up such loving support. Not yet. Wait. One day. So I did. Until today.

You see, I am the mother of the mother who grieves. I hurt because I know she hurts and I weep because I know she is weeping. No love like a parent’s love. And there is nothing I can do. But there is HOPE and there is PROMISE and that is the pike I must look down. To endure. To sustain. To support. To encourage. To make a difference.

JESUS WEPT. DEEPLY. It’s a powerful visual. His friend, Lazarus, was dead. His sisters, Mary and Martha were distraught. Tears were streaming down the faces of mourners and cries of unbearable pain could be heard by all. As Jesus stood in the midst of this Middle Eastern scene of sorrow, he became engulfed with sadness and overtaken with grief. How could this be when he knew he was about to perform a joyous miracle? I believe it is pretty simple. He is our Father. We are His children. We are his Beloved. The love he has for each soul he creates is extraordinary. Incomprehensible, thus, our pain is his pain. On that dark day in Bethany, every suffering that had and would span the ages, was his. HE WEPT. Deep guttural weeping. And so do we. At times. And it’s OK.

But we can’t stay there. There is more to the story. We were never intended for suffering. God created us to live in perfection with Him, free of any pain and sadness. No wonder he cries. So somewhere in all of this, there has to be a happy ending. In Bethany, there was a miracle. Life was restored. For us it is the same. Life everlasting.

Joy does come in the morning. It is promised. We will embrace it. Together. We are family. Annie is our Beloved. She is his perfect creation. God is weaving her into something extraordinary. I sense it. I see glimpses of it.

And we patiently wait. With excitement.

And we try to make a Difference. Stay tuned.

Shug

On a side note . . . To those that have shared so openly on Brooke’s blog, please know your words to her have also been extremely uplifting to Annie’s “Shug and Pop”. Thank you and God Bless.

o.m.g.

well, baby jared #2 is on the way.

7 weeks.

no doctor appt. yet, so you know, optimistic but realistic.

big time nausea.

big time fatigue.

overwhelmed, elated, overwhelmed.

praying for a healthy little one, and some relief from the nausea.

until then....surviving.

wound up.

somebody acted like they had been drinking mountain dew from their sippy cup. who took my sweet little child???? I kid, I kid. I love her, crazy days and all.

when I look down the road

when I look down the pike, so to speak, sometimes I ache with grief.

Soon, Annie will be less baby and more kid. and it's not so cool to be a bald kid.

people don't understand.

people say all the time- "she's SO big! Look at her talk! Look at all those teeth!"

like, she's some enigma of baby world. a talking, running around, mouth full of teeth baby.

and all because she is bald.

bald equals baby.

funny thing, she's actually not that big for her age. she's actually small. oh, and yes, she is my baby, but if she had hair, you would know she is actually a toddler. or at least more toddler than baby.

if I had a margarita for every time someone has told me in the past month about some distant so and so who didn't get hair until their 5th birthday, I would be intoxicated for a week.

annie might not have hair ever.

so, please somebody tell me how to raise a child without hair in this mad world. I mean, really, no one has to tell me the paradox of superficiality here- and how I know many a mom who would trade their sad story for mine.

I spoke with a mom the other night, who for three years watched her child have seizures every single day. and then he finally died- because they mercifully let him pass, and not be ventilator dependent for life. a three year old.

she told me something that haunted me.

she said, most people have something happen in their life eventually that shows them what they are made of.

I came home and hugged my bald baby. my BIG, TALKING, BALD BABY.

and I thought, she will learn this lesson earlier than most, over something so trivial and profound as hair.

I have two hair clips in my volvo. I bought them when Annie had hair. I keep them where I left them, because some days I feel hopeful that this won't be a part of her story.

because who wants their child to suffer in any way?

someone actually told me recently- "at least she won't have to shave her legs!"

really? that's the trade off?

that's lame.

If given the choice, I imagine most people would trade the small hassle of leg shaving to have even an inch of hair on their head if it meant they could join the big bad world of humans with hair. which is like 98% of the population.

so, as you can see, I am navigating the seas of awkward conversation. I know people just try to help. ease the unknown.

and this is why I have a blog, so I have somewhere to dump the madness when I have had all that I can stuff in my fragile psyche.

not just whimsy

I was at a wedding last night where an anglican priest waxed poetically his wedding homily.
it was simple and beautiful and real.

Josh and I are drawn to the liturgical church not just because it's "pretty", or we like "liturgy"- it's more than that.

It's the principle of the liturgy.

It's the reenactment of the gospel in the liturgy.

It's the church year, where we walk the steps of Jesus, year in and year out. Telling ourselves the story over and over, in the hopes, that we just might get it.

It's the consummation of the Lord's Supper- the thing we look forward to each time we worship. The Table, where we find grace. Where we bring the ridiculousness of our petty complaints to Jesus, admit our waywardness, and drink grace. and then we carry a wee bit of hope on our back, in the hopes that our hearts are more soft and pliable than last week. That maybe, sentence by sentence in this big story, we are becoming more like Jesus.

believe me, sometimes I feel like I am going the other direction.

so anyway, I was planning on taking a writing break this month, and I probably will continue. But I was struck by the homily last night, and it moved my heart in such a way as to not give up.

We're not in a liturgical church right now. And there are reasons for that, mostly having to do with finding something that works for our family. I have hope that we will find our way.

It's not just whimsy. what we long for.

funny faces

I think I'll just stick to pictures this month.

how's this for a funny one?

cousins

just saying

not loving the swimsuit fashion this year. just ordered one from JCREW that I am sure I will send back.

and I totally bought a pair of shorts today from the GAP that are "roll up". what is the world coming to?

well, gotta go find my cassette tape with "young love" by the Judds. I mean, if we're gonna bring back the early 90's, let's bring it ALL back.

just saying.

a bit of good news

Annie's visit to Arkansas was approved by our insurance! And we have an actual case manager- a human being- we can talk to about ongoing care. so. utterly. thankful.

now off to buy my one year old some Rogain. two phrases I never thought I would use in the same sentence.

tide is rolling in.

no, I am no talking about Alabama football. that is one Southern phenomenon, I do not care a hill of beans about.

but that's because I am from Georgia. we're of the dawg variety.

but this wasn't really supposed to be about football.

this week, like high tide, making it's way to my toes- has been the South. on my heart. in my bones.

for the most part, I do ok. we have more blessings than we can bundle up in our arms and carry. But, I can't shrug off that feeling of being a desert pilgrim. and just wanting to be home.

I blame it on the Indigo Girls. I listened to their Austin City Limits version of "three county highway". I was immediately transported to somewhere outdoors. windows down. Rural, pine tree filled road. Music playing. Boiled peanut stand on the side of the road. Cotton fields. and peace. heaps and heaps of peace.

I'll be here as long as God wants us here. This I know. but a girl can dream.

and hope.

now, go listen to that song.

home

well, that was a whirlwind of a trip.

Annie's appointment went as well as it could have. The current diagnosis stands- alopecia. We're starting some new treatments, as soon as we get all the stupid insurance stuff sorted out. We'll be doing this for 6 months. Two different topical steroids and Rogaine! who knew....

I felt really great about getting some expectations hammered out. The main one being that this could take a long time. The treatments may or may not work. And she may get hair back no matter if we did the treatments or not. If she does grow her hair back, which there is evidence that she is growing new hair, it could take years.

I asked every question I could think of, and at the end felt like we had made the right decision about seeing the pediatric dermatologist. Did you know there are only a handful of pediatric dermatologists in the United States? I feel so thankful to be within driving distance to this clinic.

I am glad to have this behind us, for now. I am totally exhausted and feel like I could sleep for days. and days. and days.

thanks so much for all your kind words and emails and prayers.

deep sighs.

I woke this morning with a heaviness in my chest. I don't know if its because work was totally insane the past two nights along with the cumulative lack of sleep. and then there's the APPOINTMENT we go to tomorrow, which I imagine is at the root of the heaviness. We've been cruising along these past few weeks. In fact, one week was so beautiful, and I felt so much joy and deep contentment, I could hardly believe it was me. But now, we have this big appointment, and we may have to face the music a bit, and I just haven't been ready to deal with life for Annie without hair.

without hair, y'all.

it seems so trivial, and yet it would be this one huge thing that will no doubt be such a deep part of her identity. I can think of a million metaphors for hair, and even scripture's reference do God counting all of them on our head- this picture of such deep love and knowing. it's like He is saying- i know you so well, I know the number of hairs on your head. no one else knows that. but I do.

which brings me back to the place of total dependency. I believe, but I also cry out like the scriptures, help my unbelief.

the sky is so dark right now, and rain falls hard outside my window. it's an odd comfort.

It's days like this, that I certainly feel the curse of Eve. The pain of childbirth- that ongoing ache of loving someone so much and feeling at the mercy of so many unknowns.

and yet, even as I write, Annie is laughing at the thunder. seriously, laughing at a storm.

to have faith like a child. now that's something to be jealous about.

happy anniversary

6 years. a good man. a lucky girl.

arkansas...

So, we make our little trip to Arkansas Children's Hospital next week. I haven't written much about Annie's hair lately, because I have just been trying to practice trust and patience. And, the reality, is that with time, I just fail to notice anymore. But then, I catch a glimpse of an old picture, and I feel this tinge of sadness. I don't stay there long. It doesn't help Annie, it certainly doesn't help me.

So, she does have some peach fuzz "growing". It's not vigorous, if you can call it growth at all. she has some blond on her eyebrows, as well as some itsy bitsy short, blond eyelashes.

I suppose I may be in a bit of a denial phase. The shock has worn off. life has carried on. and I have quit thinking for the time being about a future with wigs.

Our latest drama is that currently our insurance has denied coverage for our visit to Arkansas. Even though, not one doctor we have seen has had a documented case of Alopecia in such a young child. only expletives come to mind. So, we're writing letters, getting our ADULT dermatologist to send us a referral, and getting our pediatrician to write a letter (that we were told we would have to PAY for...don't even get me started.) What is the world coming to?

So, we are going regardless, because you do what you have to do for your child. I wrote a very nice, informative, nurse-y , heavy on the medical jargon letter detailing her history, and am praying for something. The cost may be very little, but should they run tests, etc, we could be looking at a hefty bill. All that to say, it would be nice if we heard back before we left, but I have my doubts.

that's all people. it's been rainy and stormy here all week. I have been feeling a bit tired inside and out.

We went to a community group last night, and it was good. It felt like a place we could be among friends, and well, that's been a long time coming.

I suppose we all in some way or another hit walls in our pursuit of practicing spirituality. Some, perhaps, would call Josh and I a bit snobby in our pursuits of an aesthetically rich practice of worship. This may be true. I am also needy enough to know that you do what you have to do, and at the end of the day, it's about loving people well, and giving up whatever rights I feel like are mine to hold on to. holding on is incredibly exhausting.

what I do know is that the people who have made me feel the most free and loved, were those who practiced those things well. I am leaning into those examples these days.

quote happy.

I don't do well with my goodreads account- but I do love goodreads because my very bookish friends are very diligent to update their latest reads, which in turn gives me months of reading material! another thing I love about goodreads are quote sections for authors. So many times I want to write about something in a book and I don't feel like actually finding it again and then transcribing it- well, goodreads almost always comes to my rescue. This has made me a bit quote happy as of late, which may start to get annoying. just so you know.

on another random note

I awoke at 5 am to tornado sirens. these never scared me in Birmingham, but they do here. We were fine, and there was no tornado, but I am sure there will be one, and I may or may not wet my pants when it happens.

like mother, like daughter

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

this is how I found annie this morning. so chill. don't worry, we don't do this all day. but we're not afraid to, which is what I love.

thirties

my thirties have been a rite of passage.

my twenties, were just a more mature (ever so slightly) version of my teenage years. future oriented. self absorbed. wide-eyed. unafraid. longing for love and romance. ideals. fighting for some idealistic version of the truth. it was mystery and wondering and hoping and I am going to be so different than everyone else. uber sincere. authentic. perhaps even an urban hippy.

I am now 34 and I eat frozen waffles everyday for breakfast.

I drive a volvo.

and my child sits in a European car seat.

I shop for groceries at a big box store.

and the flea market kind of stresses me out with the crowds and the 30 different venders trying to sell me lettuce.

I live in a midtown suburb, and I seriously contemplate getting a yard man.

I read new york time best sellers.

I work the night shift for crying out loud.

I am unsure of current events and even more unsure of anything political.

I go to church in a very ugly building and have become increasingly unsure of what it is we are really doing.

I still have faith, I am just less dogmatic about it all.

but perhaps the rite of passage lies more in the transition of a me - centered universe to something else. a universe where people live. my child lives. a universe where it's not just about what I hope and long for, but what I actually do day in and day out. What kind of place and world I create for my child and family to live and grow. the kind of place where my child plays in a pot of dirt for an hour in sheer bliss. a place where that matters. a place where I can breathe a deep sigh of relief that there will be a feast day. hopefully many. when I will drink from the well of deep, life giving friendships. I glimpse it now, but will truly experience when all things are made new.

this makes today better. it makes all the dreams of my 20's ok in the humdrum minutia of my thirties.

I am convinced that no matter how banal some of my days feel- that these are some of the most important. I collapse from exhaustion at the end of my days. such are the days of a world where I no longer rule the roost.

I still secretly wish of being all that I dream about. I try. sometimes I do what is easy. I glimpse a bit of heaven and long for it. I glimpse my 20's every now and then and long for that, too.

but I am here. 34.

I just got my hair colored, but haven't brushed my teeth.

I'll probably let my child watch too much tv today, and I may buy something unnecessarily from China.

I'll have to forgive myself a million times today. and I'll hopefully utter one prayer.

and at the end of day I will hopefully say. this is good. this is really good.

generosity.

"Don't own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire."

— Wendell Berry (Farming: a hand book)

I have always thought of my parents as very generous. They were always generous with us as children, perhaps giving us more than we deserved or was good for us. who knows. but they were generous with letting us see the world and experience it. They were generous with our educations. with their willingness to give us freedom. they were generous with their words. As for things, we had what we needed, and I don't ever recall feeling anxious or burdened by material things. I didn't get everything I wanted, but there was never any guilt or strings attached when I did. Their generosity continues, and I am always humbled by their willingness to add to my life- and again,not just with material things, but words, advice, plane trips, dinner and time, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps my parents became adults when the good times were rolling, as there was always this positive outlook on life- not a blind, naive take on life, but the general feeling that things would be ok. things work out. there is always a way.

and so, I live my life.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how this positive attitude can become careless- at least for me. I am so thankful, in general, for how loosely I approach most money matters. I feel like in general, I show the restraint taught me, but I do think I can meander into carelessness. and lately, well I just feel the need to take a step back, evaluate, and show some restraint. I realized that I was spending a grand portion of the last few weeks trying to figure out how to buy things- and it was really starting to burden me.

the irony.

the reality is that I don't want money to burden me from either side. I don't want to care so much about it that I slip into greed unnoticed. I also don't want to care so little that I lose my sense of generosity or being wise and careful with what I have been given.

I do think I want to hold onto hoping that things work out. jesus talks about that, right? about not worrying about what we eat, and drink, and wear?

when my kids grow up, I am sure they will have a laundry list of things I could have done better. They'll have things they want to differently. I expect that, and hope I stay humble enough to even hope that for them. I do, however, hope they will remember that we were generous. and not generous for generous's sake. but generous because we have been given so much.

so, i am taking a step back this month. nothing new. simple meals. less eating out.

a fast of restraint.

and hopefully some peace and creativity as a result.

thanks parents. you did well.

"There are, it seems, two muses: the Muse of Inspiration, who gives us inarticulate visions and desires, and the Muse of Realization, who returns again and again to say "It is yet more difficult than you thought." This is the muse of form. It may be then that form serves us best when it works as an obstruction, to baffle us and deflect our intended course. It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."

— Wendell Berry