20 weeks

I am growing. Wish I were like those cute Gap pregnant models:) Oh well, it takes all kinds, right?

Here we go. 20 weeks....

new, weird things.

So, I struggle with how much to share here sometimes. I share, because it makes me feel better- and I genuinely feel like we are not alone in our struggles- and things I read help me in all kind of ways. anyway....

So Tulsa, and particularly my new job has been causing me a good deal of anxiety. ok, really its my new job. the one I have been at for all of two days.

I hate being the new person. The person who doesn't know how to find the bathroom, much less the operating room. I want the double doors to open, and there to be smiling faces all around me- but you know, people are just doing their jobs, and I am one of a million new faces- and well, I just don't matter THAT much. 

I am also a do gooder- and I was ready to be trained two weeks ago. I don't like not knowing things, feeling  uncertain of my place, not knowing how it will all work out. I don't like that at all.

And on top of that, my whole world will be changing in a few months. Every time I go THERE, I just feel like I am about to unravel. How can I take on so many new things? 

And what I really want, deep deep down, is to be home. to do my photography. but that takes time, too- and I am obviously not there yet.

So, I stew. I wonder. I look to Josh and he tells me hang in there, we'll get a plan. I look to Jesus, to help me not fear the world.

josh and jesus. what a combo.

work

Well, I got my feet wet at work this week. It was mostly paperwork and tests- the usual nursing requirements. I finally made it out to the O.R. yesterday, but I was so spent, I just felt overwhelmed. So, the jury is still out. I honestly think it would be fine if I just felt better. Gosh, I know I keep going on and on, oh and ON about this, but it really is testing me in gigantic ways.

It makes work feel a lot more daunting. It makes waking up feel daunting. 

I am so glad Josh is still off for the Summer right now. He is able to take over when I need him to, and that happens to be a lot these days. He made some killer red beans and rice last nite. The real, authentic kind- and he pulled it off in less than 3 hours. It was really good.

Well, here's to Thursday. hope yall have a good one.

what a night. (it has a good ending)

Last night I had my first girls night out here in Tulsa. My cousin-in-law invited me out to a movie and dinner with several women. It was fun and great to be around the ladies. Unfortunately, somewhere between after the movie and before the Mexican, I started feeling like the world was caving in. My head was hurting, and the whole pregnancy nausea started to creep in. I hung in there and tried to have good conversation. Everyone was gracious. I was mad. I just wanted to feel better and enjoy myself. sigh.

Well, as dinner concluded, I was feeling the end coming. I FLEW home, ran in the house, hugged the toilet off and on for 15 minutes until I felt like the drama was over. My body felt completely depleted. Josh got me into bed, after I managed to get down a zofran and two tylenol. He warmed up my "sock"- this is the only thing that sooths a pounding head. (a sock with rice in it, heated in the microwave. it's a life saver). 

So, as I was laying there just begging my mind to relax enough to fall asleep, what do you know. thug. A nice whopping thug. It was the baby, it's first good kick.

I have been feeling some subtle movements this week, but this was the real deal, and I was like seriously, right now, when I feel like I am going to die, me and this baby are going to have a "moment"? I smiled the best I could, and put my hand over it's little body and said softly, let's sleep. we did.

what a night.

settling in.

It's been a good week in our new home. Josh and I both have felt some new found freedom and motivation that had been lacking for awhile. It's good. It really is.

Josh's newest thing is his ongoing preparations for our garden next year. He has the composter all set set up and already we are creating ROT that will make our garden grow. It's been a great project for him ( and me ). It feels good to not throw food away. Almost everything we eat can be used in the compost. I have never seen someone so excited to see food rot, but hey- whatever works. 

Tulsa also has a great recycling program. That has also felt good- to get back in the habit of green-er living. 

I had my first visit with the nurse today. I'll meet with the OB in two weeks. I got to hear the little heart beat again which was great. I was measuring small-ish @ 16. I am 18 weeks and a few days. She didn't seem concerned- she said as long as it stays within two weeks. We'll have the big ultrasound Aug 1- where the measurements will be more accurate and we'll have a better idea of where we are in the grand scheme of things. AND, we will find out if the baby is a he or she. Any bets???

I loved this office so much. When the nurse was listening to the heartbeat- she just paused and said... "I love that sound". I do too. It felt good to not be a number.

And I think I am feeling little movements. It's so subtle, so it is hard to tell.

And who started watching Felicity again last nite? that's right. me. Kicking it old school. I even have Josh hooked. 

back

Tired is what we are. We had a great weekend in Birmingham. We closed on our little house. Saw lots of family and friends. Shot a wedding, and somehow made it home yesterday. We didn't even leave Birmingham until 11:30, and I had serious doubts as to how far we would make it down the road. Thankfully, I fell asleep early in the trip and woke up in Memphis, which gave me hope that we could actually make the trip. Josh slept the next 4 hours- and then we tried to keep each other sane for the last two.

It feels so much better to be back with all our business wrapped up in Birmingham. I feel like I can be here mentally now, which is important.  

That's it for now. I need some serious sleep.

much better

gosh, i feel like a different person today. thanks to those who prayed for me. looks like it worked...

sick

I am asking for some prayer today. I was really, really sick this morning. The kind of sick that lands a pregnant woman in the E.R. if she doesn't get better. This pregnancy seems to follow no rules at all. I have been feeling decent for at least a portion of the day for several weeks. In fact, on our drive out to Tulsa- I was great. I felt great the entire day. But since then, I can't seem to find the right things to eat or drink. I cannot drink juice of any kind. Water doesn't sit  all that well, either. It's awful, but a coke has been one of the more soothing things. Guess baby likes the fizz and high fructose corn syrup. just dandy.

Anyway, this morning I was finally able to get a zofran down and piled all the pillows I could up on the bed and somehow fell asleep sitting straight up. I slept a good two hours and woke up to Kelly Rippa running around in high heels. You would have to watch the show today to even know what I am talking about, but in my sick induced coma, it all seemed quite strange. Supposedly they are having some kind of race tomorrow where people are running in high heels for the march of dimes. how painful is that? Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about Regis and Kelly.

back to me:)

It seems that the drama has passed for now. Josh went and got me some breakfast and I was able to eat a good bit of it- though with trepidation. Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers as I would really love to feel good and enjoy this time where Josh and I are free and not working. And we have a big weekend ahead with the house closing and shooting a wedding, etc... I need to feel well, and I need to avoid the E.R.

Lord, have mercy.

weekend

I know this blog is getting a tad boring with all the mini-updates. Truth be told, the days get a little restless around here, and so I read, I watch Wimbledon,  I write, I nap, I unpack, and then repeat all of these things in some fashion until I go to bed. We did venture out yesterday, but it was so hot, I lost the will to live  and had to come home ASAP and sleep it off. whew.

Josh and I finally cooked our first meal here, well  maybe our 2nd, but it was our first fancy meal. We grilled a steak, made baked potatoes  and corn on the cob. It was fabulous. 

We made it to a church today. The folks were really nice, but it was different and I was both underwhelmed and overwhelmed all at the same time. I tend to take in the whole room when I enter a space, and so of course I was thinking- will we end up here? will these faces be familiar some day? At the same time I was kind of pessimistic. This was not a "brooke" kind of place. But maybe I don't really know what that is anymore, and maybe that's okay. I am really not sure how to approach beauty and worship. I feel like a part of our worship should reflect actual, created beauty- because as image bearers- we long to create and make beauty. When I am in a place that does not seem beautiful, I feel lost somewhat, like we've missed something. I think it matters, I just don't know how much. 

And there is the whole thing about the church being the people and not a building- but again, we inhabit places- and I think that space matters. So, these things were going through my mind today as I sat in a place so different from the last two churches I have been in. 

And I have been reading Madeleine Le'engle- and she has a lot to say about art and beauty. So, these things are on the brain lately.

better

My sister told me I couldn't write such a sad post again. 

I am doing better. Today is all about some work that needs to be done, and then tomorrow we'll go to church. somewhere.

I am actually looking forward to that. 

I am also looking forward to checking out the flea market that is a mile from my house. A flea market and a farmer's market! (We have one of these opened 7 days away across the street. I ate peaches and a tomato from there that changed my whole perspective on life:)

All right folks. Have a great weekend.

sad

They came today. The tears, that is. I knew they would, and now they won't stop. damn tears.

I am not even trying to console myself- I don't think I am supposed to.  I know it will be okay- it's just today, the tears have nothing else to do but fall.

My sweet dog is so disoriented. She awakes at every sound, and I find her big face in front of mine in the middle of the night, as if she is trying to tell me- you know, mom, this is not my home.

Well, it is home- and I keep trying to comfort her, but it's going to take her some time too. I am a lot like her, too.  Leaning into Josh, telling him- this isn't home, yet. What am I to do?

There are no answers here. We do the work of entering in to life. We let God lead our steps. We get to understand a little more deeply what it feels like to be a stranger- which can only help me feel more compassion for those who walk a similar road. 

I am so thankful for Josh. He knows me well. He saw that the tears were not ending, and he said, how about a walk. So we took our first walk around the neighborhood. People smiled, loved our dog, we admired the houses and said several times how thankful we were to be walking in a neighborhood. Quiet. but not too quiet. Folks were already starting their July 4th festivities. I imagine them showing up at their friends' homes, after a long day of work- looking forward to the long weekend. The wind was blowing, and people were sipping on drinks. They looked happy, and it made me smile- which was no small feat today. not small at all.

tulsa house

Click on the house. It will take you to flickr and you can see more photos.

Family and friends asked for photos, so I promise this isn't me trying to show off anything. Although I do like the house:)

tulsa house, originally uploaded by brookejaredphotography.

here.

We're here. We are kind of unpacked, in places. I am ready to feel settled, but that will take some time. My friend Carrie made the trip with us, and she has been AWESOME. I think Josh and I would have felt so disoriented, that we would have just collapsed mentally by now. But instead we've had Carrie to help ease the stress, make us laugh, help me decorate and run errands. It's been incredible, really.

I love our neighborhood. People are out walking at night, which is something I have not been able to do for three years. It's close to so much. We ran several errands yesterday, and  everything was within 5 miles with little traffic. I also found a McAllisters- which means alot to me because of my love affair with sweet tea. 

I am started to feel that pit in my stomach of being here with so few people to know at this point. I think when Carrie leaves, the tears will surely come. Thankfully, we'll be back in Birmingham next week, I'll get to see people one last time (not last, last)- but you know.

And- I just love Skype. I have always been able to video chat with my mac friends, but I was able to do that with my sister last nite- and it's just such a comfort to see a face and not feel like they are 700 miles away.

That's it for now. I'll post pictures when the house becomes livable.