why hello?

My goodness, it has been a long time! I've been posting a bit more regularly on my photo blog, but I like this old place, which has now been in existence for almost 10 years. We have been in Tulsa for 5 and 1/2 years, which feels so crazy. It feels like it is becoming home, as I settle in to life here, and my sweet family. The days are often long, and I wish I were closer to the people that know me best, but I have resisted fighting so much to leave and make a new life somewhere, and found some peace in the surrender.

My little Annie just turned 5. F I V E!!!! She is a sweet little soul, and I feel like I hit a major parenting milestone the other day, when I realized I was handling her ALL WRONG. With a simple change in my communication, we have had a major turn around in the discipline area of our life, and I feel like I might not lose my mind anymore. And it is true that you are hardest on your first borns. I am astounded by what I expect from her sometimes, like how dare you fall and scrape your knee? That is SO inconvenient!!!!

So, it turns out, we are both having our character formed. I keep thinking, I will be done that part of my life, but not so much.

I really am dim sometimes.

But back to Annie. We had a Princess Birthday Party, and it was a blast! I hemmed and hawed about having a birthday party with friends and games and whatnot. I have "issues" with birthday parties. My birthday is on a holiday, which for some reason has always made me incredibly insecure. I never wanted to have birthday parties on New Years Eve. There seemed to be so much pressure, I just wanted to blend in. Crazy that a gazillion years later, I am tempted to pass those fears on to my child, who is also holiday-ish baby! I kept thinking, people will be busy, let's just do family, I am not sure I am good at parties.

And then I realized how stupid I was being, and that all this girl really wanted was a birthday party, and she would probably be elated if one person came. I put my fears and insecurities aside, and well, it was a great party, and Annie felt celebrated and loved, and I felt humbled by it all. Several of the moms commented on what a great party it was, and I felt like our heart for hospitality made its way into a birthday party.

And so, I take another deep inhale, as we march towards Christmas. Advent is mostly a blur, but we are trying, ever trying to be intentional in our traditions. It's not perfect, but we try.

As we head towards the end of the year, I am thankful for the ways God has been faithful, and with us. We don't really deserve it, and I struggle to believe on a daily basis.

And let me not forget to mention our sweet Amelia. She's as cute as a cupcake, and witty and sneaky. She loves high heals and dora underwear. We are potty training, but I forget half the time and she pees on floor pretty much every day. With Annie, I was so systematic,  but with Millie? not so much.

Merry Christmas dear friends. love to all...

Brooke

real life. building contentment.

I have a friend who posts real life photos, which is nice and refreshing. I just got a new (to me) full frame dslr, which happens to take photos that make my heart leap. But, to keep the beauty from going to my head, I give you my kitchen. My lived in, dirty most of the time, kitchen.

It's raining, and we're baking cookies, because I needed one.

That white bowl in the sink. Yeah, that's week old chili.

Monday.

chicken noodle soup

I have been perfecting my chicken noodle soup. I had a scratchy throat yesterday and it seemed appropriate to fix up some savory goodness. I think I finally have it where I want it, and it's easy! Sorry no picture, you'll have to trust me...


Steps.... ( I don not have a  future in food blogging, so you know, bear with me.)

1- Buy a whole chicken, the kind where you don't have to pull gross things out of the inside, and throw it in a crock pot, legs facing "up". Fill that bad boy up with water to where it's mostly covered, add salt and pepper (you can add more later). Cook on high for 4 hours. If you are super prepared you could do low for 8, but that's not usually my situation.

2- Chop up half a onion, and 3-4 carrots. I use a mandolin for the carrots. It's my new favorite kitchen tool, and I am probably spelling it wrong.

3- Melt 2TBS butter in dutch oven or whatever you'll be making the soup in. Add onions until soft, then add carrots. I usually add my herbs at this point. I used parsley, but you could do more.

4- Take your chicken out of slow cooker, gingerly. It will probably start falling a part, so prepare your heart and tongue to not say expletives. Then, with a bowl underneath a fine colander, drain your stock. This will catch on the gross leftover things from your chicken. If you don't have a mesh strainer or colander, get creative? I am not really sure.

5- Add your chicken stock to the pot. Add half a bag of egg noodles (or whatever seems appropriate to you). Bring to a boil. cook to al dente.

6- While noodles are cooking, pull off as much chicken as you want, the dark meat will add more flavor. I saved a bunch of the white meat for another meal.

7- When noodles are cooked, at meat and throw in some frozen english peas. The peas will   thaw out almost immediately.

8- Taste. Add salt and pepper to your liking.

9- SERVE:)

this girl

I had spent a great portion of my life avoiding suffering at all costs. Suffering and vulnerability.

And then I had this girl. This girl who made me fall in love hard and fast. Having a child, for me anyway, broke my heart in a million pieces, but in all the right ways. There was never a choice for me not to love her, not to risk all my fears on her. The love was compelling. When Annie lost her hair, I was so tempted to climb back into my cave, but again, I could not. This bright, sweet face just kept beaming, and I had no choice but to embrace this path we were on.

I have no idea why Annie doesn't have hair, but I know she is complete the way God made her. I was struck with delight and sadness as Annie tried on her fancy hair piece- that ugly reality that something broke a long the way, and yet all that beams from her is delight and gratitude (not in all things, she IS 4), but in regards to her hair or non hair, Annie is much more accepting than me. She does not feel broken, she feels like herself. And that is a gift.

The people I have been brave enough to love have changed me. I risk all the potential suffering in my world to love them back. I don't always do it well, but I try. I keep trying.

Rest

By some miracle, I managed to have a week off between two work weeks. I won't try to explain that, all you need to know is that I didn't have to work all night for like 7 nights in a row, twice.

I was feeling pretty close to the ledge, so tired in every respect, so I am thankful for the life rest has given me.

We are adjusting to our new schedules, slowly but surely. I have been living a "light driving" kind of life for the past few years, and all of that has changed. I had forgotten the mental drag that is associated with being in the car so much. Annie has school south of where we live, and she only goes for 4 hours, so unless we park it out by the school all morning (which is actually in my master plan), well, we just end up on the road for a good chunk of our day. Add soccer practice and games, and well, that line item in the budget just went up quite a bit...

So here we are, with homework sheets and reading logs, and yogurt all over my hard wood floors.

Here are my girls. They are really starting to be best friends, and I love that.

I hope all is well out there. 

spinning

Blogging has been slow lately. I kind of feel like the room is always spinning. So much to do, new schedules, work. and then everyone wants to eat, too!

I feel like we've had some growing pains around here lately. We've hit these times before, and usually peace follows soon enough. Sometimes we have to relearn everything we thought we had mastered.

For myself, I keep hearing my voice echo as I tell Annie to be kind, practice patience, not to make ugly faces.

As I raise my voice, probably have some contorted, frustrated face on, and a short fuse to boot.

I just keep saying I am sorry. I hope it helps. I hope she learns, too.

I am not good at sorry.

I hope she will be better.

Happy Friday!!!!

home

" [You can not] steal quietly away to heaven, in Christ's company, without a conflict and a cross"

Amy Carmichael

How I long to steal quietly away to heaven. To live life where relationships are always easy, where giving is what you WANT to do, where loving is the first choice instead of the thing you always find yourself fighting for.

For years, now, it seems I have been living in a spiritual no man's land. Like being trapped in the redwood forest and never looking up. Just trees, trees and more trees.

Traveling has a way of moving your imagination, getting out of the forest, so to speak. It has a way of opening up and frustrating places that have grown cold an weary.

I needed a little frustratin' if you know what I mean.

The other night I was looking around the house for some Flannery O'Connor and instead stumbled upon a book that a friend had given me. And it was like the light came in, in that forest. My heart felt warm again, hopeful that God was not so far has He has seemed for so long. I had not lost faith, but I tell you, I was getting tired of the distance.

The first chapter had this quote, and it strangely comforted me.

In Christ's company, I will not steal quietly away to heaven.

I was not so far away as I thought.

This past Sunday, we landed at a church that we feel can be our home. We've been longing for beauty for so long in worship, and it felt good to be in its presence again. 

This has been quite the journey, here in Tulsa. It continues to be. It helps to let some light in though, and I am thankful for words to remind me to just look up.

summertime

Hi friends out there! Summer has been amazingly mild and we've been soaking it up.

We just returned from a jam packed week in Colorado. That place is AMAZING in the Summer. I hope we get to do that again one day. Josh is a mountain man, and I love the beach, but I can tell you- I was impressed.

Life is busy and slow all at the same time. My brain keeps ticking away and we have some exciting things brewing. My heart continues to ebb and flow through my ever sweet reminder of (thank you madeleine l'engle) that I am living the "tired thirties". 

I find myself jumping in and out of blogs and social media these days. I think about hanging it up all together, and then I read something that actually helps and encourages, and feel thankful for the access. Been thinking more about hospitality and praying God begins to use that longing again. Some people remain wonderfully hospitable with small kids, but I have found the days to be long and energy scarce. With that said, I am hoping for some new beginnings as we continue through our lazy Summer and enter into the Fall Season. I don't know much these days except that God loves me. and you. The theologians may scoff, my call my theology weak- but over and over, love seems to be the only thing that really inspires, heals, quickens, and changes me.

So, here's to meal sharing and hope.

and some summer pics.

love, 

brooke

hello summer!

Hello out there! Summer FINALLY made it to OK and I have been relishing in the warm afternoons in the lounge chair, watching the kids laugh and giggle in the slip and slide. The heat will oppress soon enough, so I am enjoying those bearable moments of Summer right now! Life slows down for us this time of year, which always takes us a few weeks to unwind. We head out on the road soon! Some dear old friends of my family offered their Colorado house to us for a week, so we are packing up the van and heading to the Rockies! Later this Summer, we'll trek to the deep South and spend some much needed time with my family....I also love Summer because it feels a bit more communal. People gather and eat and play. I love the rhythms of Season for this reason, and always find this part of the year restorative. Hope this finds you enjoying YOUR Summer....

another quote

If you are interested in the notion of home, place, and identity- read no further than Wendell Berry. He talks extensively in both his fiction and non fiction about the notion of home, having a place, being from a place. I first started thinking about these things when I moved to St. Louis. It was the first place that I lived that was so culturally different than my world. I would have days where I just missed the South so much- and I had equal days where the South was unveiled to me, and I saw things that I didn't like- but at the end of that journey, I really embraced by "place" and owned it- and knew that being from Georgia was in me, as familiar as my own heart beat.

Oklahoma has been similar in a lot of ways- it is actually culturally fairly familiar- almost a hybrid of Southern and midwestern- but it's the landscape that has taken me so far from my home. In St Louis I never felt so "far" from home. But for the first years,I would drive around like a person in a Walker Percy novel, not sure of where I was. I think another thing that has struck me here, is that people LOVE Oklahoma. They love this place. This has been in a strange way alienating and comforting.

This Summer we will have lived here 5 years. I can't really get my head around that, but I will say, that I am- like this quote- learning to be at home. I suppose all this longing for home is rooted in things that we cherish, things that shaped us, things that made us feel safe. I think about Macon, I have no idea what is north, south, east, or west. I just know how to get from here to there, because every road is so familiar. As you grow older, you long for familiar roads. I think I will always remember Oklahoma as the place that really got a hold of my heart, and shook it to its core. I think it will be the place where I arrived at the ground of my own feet, and learned to be at home.


* and by that I mean, to accept and embrace that it is God who has ordered our steps, led us to this place at this time.

my children, my home

I have talked a lot on here, over the years, about home. longing for it, wondering what it is and where it is. I could spend a lot of hours on a therapy couch figuring that out, why I think about it so much. I am sure it is rooted in loss, as is much our pain being human. I endure a fair amount of tension "working this out", because, well sometimes you have to surrender to not knowing, not having the lose ends tied up, and hoping that ultimately our true home is somewhere we haven't been to yet.

but until then, I am thankful for the glimpses.

Madeleine L'engle says:

"We are all strangers in a strange land, longing for home, but not quite knowing what or where home is. We glimpse it sometimes in our dreams, or as we turn a corner, and suddenly there is a strange, sweet familiarity that vanishes almost as soon as it comes." 



I see this with my children. I might feel lost in the chaos, the whining, the incessant begging for treats- but there is something in their life, their thoughts, their sweet expressions, where I get taken in, gripped by home.

These are my people. And I get to watch them grow, be little humans. I get to hold them, and explore with them. I get to be there for them.

I fight so much for my own rights, my own way, my own peace, but when I turn my gaze towards them (When God helps me peel away by own obsession with the mirror)- I realize that all that really matters is being with them, in that moment. 

It is amazing to see someone so convinced of your love. Annie and Millie know, in a way that is intangible, that they are loved and taken care of. If I do anything right, they will always know that. They will never have to bargain for that, beg for it.

Lord, if I stay true to anything, help me do that.

If you have had a week like me, when the AC breaks and you get to buy a 3,000 dollar unit, and your kids were crazy, and all you really wanted to do was hang out with your sister...let's remember that we are not home yet. but we are getting there....

and the home you have, well its pretty great, even so.

a good day.

This was just minutes after Annie and Caroline met. They were already giggling. These girls, how can you not love them? 

Amy and I met through a mutual friend. Amy lives in Virginia, but her family is in Texas, so when they were in town for a visit, we could not MISS the chance to meet them!!!!

And then if this day was not exciting enough, We got to hang out with my old neighbor and dear friend from when I LIVED IN TEXAS! I was Annie's age! So crazy:)

It was such a treat to see Dottie! It did my heart good.

Happy Friday, yall. This momma is tired.

remaining

My scripture reading this morning was about the vine in the branches, remaining in Christ, as to not wither away.

remain.

it's so hard, really.

Sometimes you can't see very far from the place you are at.

so what else is there to do?

The scriptures say if we do, then we can ask whatever we want.

I don't really know what that means?

Ask if God will take my anxiety away?

more friends?

Can I live on the beach?

perhaps not.

but maybe peace. comfort. joy.

perhaps those are things he cares more about.

our hearts.

I honestly don't know. But I do know the moment where I feel like no comfort is to be found, it always shows up. 

remain.

I'm trying.

we change, we stay the same.

I was thinking the other day about identity and who we are. The things that are just US. We can't undo them.

I can't undo the South. Or the beach. and sand in your feet, as normal. I can't undo afternoon thunderstorms and those tall green pines. I can't undo Y'all and yes ma'am. or sweet tea. ever. I will never undo sweet tea.Although, I do take it "split" now. But I won't ever go unsweet. If I am in a fix, sweet n low will do, but splenda or equal. no way.

I do feel I have given up SOME things, though. I feel like people get a little high and mighty with all the different diet options these days. "paleo", GF, Vegan, bla bla bla. I peruse those blogs and I even make your recipes, but I resist the categories.

But health is a good subject, and the south, surprisingly, is not known for it. I was looking through an old cookbook the other day, and every recipe had cream of chicken or mushroom- and I thought, yep, that's what Christmas dinner was all about! So that has changed. I have not used the cream of chicken cans in ages. I do miss those dishes every now and then, but they are mostly gone.

I've learned that going the extra mile and actually making cookie dough, or making taco seasoning, for example, has some measure of gratification to it, and using real ingredients is better and mostly feels better. It doesn't always happen, but it does most of the time, which is a good thing.

But I don't think that's any fault of the South. I think my ancestors cooked from scratch and then someone invented boxed cake mix and it all went down hill from there.

Even with all my efforts, I am still not sure about the train my food had to take to get into my mouth, and my organic eggs might even give me a run for my money if I actually saw where they lived, too. None of this is perfect, in fact I am sure, save the tomatoes you eat from your own back yard, it is all quite broken, to some degree.

But I learn, am learning, will continue to learn- that there is me, and there is the moldable me. That some things change in us, because we are transformed by something that is true.

I think making cookie dough is more true than slice and bake. I think something in me knows that is true, and that's why it feels good to participate in that.

I know this is a weird post about the South and food, and they may or may not be related.

But it's my blog, right?

here's to praying that I keep changing and longing for true things.

here's to not cursing inside when I hear one more person say they are PALEO:)

it's all good people. it's all good....

nod over coffee

Do you feel as exhausted from last week as I do? Between Boston and the Texas explosion and all the abortion doctor coverage- I was done.

Our hearts long for peace. We cry for peace. and yet often, there is no peace.

I am not linked to any of these tragedies, and I still feel the weight of survival guilt. My life that has been mostly kind to me. The warm food. The mini van. The good job.

And yet still, the unsettling occurs more often and I wish it did.

This Wendell Berry poem was making its way around the internet this week, and I felt deep comfort from it.

maybe you will, too.

*"nod over coffee" is a pierce pettis song. I was thinking about coffee and writing, and there you go.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

if we were to have a cup of coffee.

* this is 100% stolen from another blog, but I really liked the writing format- an opportunity to write in a different way.


So, if we were to have coffee, which I can think of about 20 people I would love to do this with, but most of you live elsewhere, I might tell you this....

I was in Fayetteville, Arkansas this weekend. It's a quick day trip from here, but its tucked away in the foothills of the Ozarks, and its 100% southern hipster, whatever that is, but it feels more like home, so I got my sweet tea fix in, and went into about 5 shops, all of which had cutesy things you could get your name on, because YALL know how much you love your name on things in the South.

My child is sitting in my lap, which I am trying to cherish and yet begging her to go play. hum.

Someone lamented about people talking about laundry on Facebook, but I don't care, I have never seen so much in my life, and all my systems fail me.

It just never ends. ever.

I walked into a baby store the other day, and felt a wave of grief. To have or have not? Having a baby for me means almost a year of utter misery. Would it happen again? Am I ready to pack it all up. I am starting to feel older, 40's on the horizon. All of  my fears seem rooted in loss.

so scared to lose. anything. anybody.

Lincoln. Finally watched it! Well, most of it, but totally intrigued, and now I want to get my hand on a biography.

Spring is coming. It is, and as my friend said, it is being rather coy this year.

It's Monday. till next time.

love, brooke

where I get really honest.

On this Holy Thursday.

I admit.

I have never washed another's feet.

I am called to serve others, as Christ did, but it is only in rare moments that I do it AS Christ would have.

I recently had to work on an oncology floor. I was supposed to be answering calls, it was a slow night in the nursery, and a busy one elsewhere.

I got a call.

It was room whatever, who knows, but when I walked in it was obvious what the problem was, the smell gave it away.

In my heart I had a choice- I could go get the nurse aid, who will wipe more adult bottoms this shift than I care to know about, or I can could get the job done. This sweet lady, old and tattered, needed cleaning.

I am more than qualified, so I go gather the needed things and go about answering the call.

Something in me knows that Christ made that choice. I am not proud, really, just so relieved He exists in me when I feel like I am so far from the mark.

Later that evening, a more disturbing scene. A woman who had gone to be with Jesus. Her body tells a sad story, pounds and pounds, heaps of pounds.

I wondered what she had been trying to feed all of her life.

the hunger, I imagine.

we are so hungry.

The nurse aid asked for my help. And we cleaned her. Her family weeping. They asked to be gentle. Was there any other way?

I have plenty of other admissions, too. and questions.

This week, as I went to Target for what felt like the millionth time, I felt like I was ready to turn it all in. Pack us all up. Move somewhere that felt more holy.

Give up my first world guilt, trade it in for some real life. real people. real problems.

On Holy Thursday I admit,

We have some things to think about.

How to live. To serve.

I admit.

I have no idea how.

life

this is our life, lately. staring outside, wondering when we will get to enjoy warm weather!!! Can you tell I am over it?

Luckily we have these sweet little munchkins to spend our days with, even if they do keep us up all hours of the night. I blame that on the weather, too. 

happy monday, folks. 

Hosanna!

cold spring

We drove home in sleet, from our little spring break getaway. It was a getaway, but it was cold. SO TIRED OF COLD!!!!

BUT, spent some much needed time with my sister and mom, and the littles all running around everywhere. It was chaos, but the kind that is mostly sweet. and exhausting.

Beach vacations where you read and sip drinks are for when the kids are grown or more grown than mine. For now, it is chaos. and it's supposed to be. sweet, exhausting chaos.

I feel like the writing has been a bit dull around loveintheruins. Winter starts to feel like a cave one might never escape- which is why I am so thankful the last two weeks have been spent with family. My kids are grateful. I am grateful.

Holy week starts this Sunday, and it's hard to believe that its been one year since we wandered our way into the Catholic Church.

I wish I could say its been all that I had dreamed, but though the peace remains, the pilgrimage that seems to characterize all of our days in Tulsa, still remains.

Tulsa, my refiners fire.

This year I lost two very dear friends to TEXAS. Oh Texas, I have words for you.

But the story keeps moving, the pages keep turning, new chapters pop up when the one I am in seems to never end.

It is fitting that I enter Holy Week with this ragged feeling in my gut.

The short temper. The sighs. The impatience.

The cross is where all that finds reconciliation. and hope.

where all sad things come untrue (lord of the rings reference)- or at least the promise of that is paid for.

For now, it's Friday. Spring break. It's raining, and we won't even see 50 degrees today.

That's ok, we'll hunker down.

As they say, " it's friday now, but sunday's a comin"

daily dish

I am not even unsure what that means??

How about some odd and ends?

Let's talk about candles....

I have searched high and low for candles that work.

I have used Voluspa candles in the past, you can get them here.

They smell really good and last a long time.

BUT, I have to tell you, I just discovered these little beauties.

Tyler Candles

These really work! I just bought the french market scent- and I went ahead and went for the big jar because they had such great reviews.

Let's see, how about some smoothies?

We've been having one a day around here.

Smoothie Recipe a la Jared:

Frozen, pineapple, peach and mango frozen fruit (you can get a big bag of this combo at target or walmart)

Simply Orange with Mango

Greek Yogurt- non fat plain or vanilla

water

* I typically fill my blender 3/4 fill with fruit, dump 2 big spoonfuls of yogurt, pour some OJ, maybe a cup or so, and fill the rest with water. I have found if I almost cover the frozen fruit with liquid, it blends up beautifully. This makes enough for the whole family, or freeze the leftovers for later!

lent, and spring peaking through

It's been quiet and kind of boring around here the past few weeks. It's been cold, for one, which has almost sent me to crazy house a few times. Small kids and coughs and cold weather make for lots of indoor time and blue's clues.

That, coupled with our lenten fasting of meat (for josh) and sweets (for me) has made for lots of down time with no comfort food! Which is good, actually, as it seems to suit its purpose.

I have actually never practiced lent in the fasting sense, and not sure that it should really even be talked about (that whole, fasting in secret, brush your hair, etc part in the gospels...) I imagine that its because fasting should never be a source of pride, but more of private practice, not drawing attention to it. I get that, but I'll be first to say- I need me a brownie!!!

Seriously, though, its been a good practice, and maybe I will gather some thoughts about that sooner than later.

I mostly just wanted to check in. Happy Monday.

snow!

good enough

Katie reached out to me in our early days of alopecia. So wonderful see her story on this short film. Please watch.

ash wednesday

it's cold and dreary today. it's ash wednesday, so it's a fitting day for reflection.

we've almost been in the Catholic Church for a year. If I am honest, its been kind of lonely this year. It is strange to feel home and yet an outcast- which is a funny thing to feel. I have been thinking a lot about the implications of straying from your own tradition- I feel the ache that some must feel when they leave their home country, to never go back. Home and tradition are a part of our very fabric. You cannot undo the threads, or it all unravels.

This Sunday in Mass, we sang a hymn that I grew up in singing in the  Methodist Church. It made me smile, but that ache was there, too. Will these threads ever match the old ones, or will my story be this crazy mis matched blanket?

Becoming Catholic has made me more mindful of other's traditions. I used to box people in, assign them to categories, and if I am honest, judge their spirituality as good, better, best, etc...

But the older I get, the less I really know, and even more- the less I am drawn to those who think they have gotten it right.

On this Ash Wednesday, I hold hands with all who have looked in the mirror and say, "I was made from dust, and to dust I shall return".

It is God who judges our hearts. It is Jesus who died to make it right. Billions of people every week show up Church, in all of it various traditions to ultimately acknowledge that Christ walked that lonely road to the Cross, and all of our waking moments and hope for wholeness again lean on that one fact.

Maybe you kneel and bow.  Maybe you raise your hands to the air.  Maybe you eat and drink Jesus every week, and maybe you think all that is hocus pocus.

I hold hands with you.

And perhaps there is irony in being Catholic and doing so, and maybe I am not a very good Catholic.

But I am a prideful woman, whose heart is wretched. But when I bend my achey knee, and cross my body, and say amen when the bread goes in my mouth- There is something in this stubborn soul that relents, gives up, and acknowledges a deep need of love and forgiveness.

more birthday...

Millie, on your 2nd birthday. a day late.

Dear Millie,

I don't know how you are 2, but you are.

You are starting to sing so well, and you carry a good tune, girl! You are so funny- I can already tell you are going to keep us laughing. You are always trying to "get" us or your sister- it is hilarious to watch.

You are a really good sleeper unless your ears are hurting- for this I am so thankful.

You are definitely getting feisty. Hello terrible 2's! So far, not so bad, but you are busy and not containable at this point, so we don't go out much unless it is at a park, or some place I can convince you that the stroller is a good idea. I mean, yes, we make our grocery runs and what not, but dinners out are on hold for awhile. It just shaves about 5 years off my life every time we attempt to do it!

However, I did finally release my crazy over protective whatever, and let you and Annie play for an hour in the chick-fil-a playroom while I sipped on tea and talked to my friend. It was nice, actually, and I may have just created a monster. we'll see.

but hey, it's feb, and we've got at least another month of dealing with cold weather, and well, we just do what we have to do.

You continue to love shoes, particularly the sparkly hand me downs from addison that are at least 3 sizes too big.

You also love being naked.

sigh.

All in all, you are just a really happy little kid, with a strut in her step. A friend of mine called you the "sheriff", and I think that's pretty accurate. You just like to survey the scene and make sure everyone is doing the right thing:)

Oh Millie, how I love you so. I could kiss those chubby cheeks and knees all day long. We all are quite smitten with you and can't wait to see your little story unfold.

and your sister, she just loves you to pieces. She calls you "Millia", which I love. I hope you will be best friends. There is nothing like a sister.

Let's not forget your favorite book, "llama llama red pajamas". I love this book, too. and how much you love "gogurt" , salsa, and cheese dip. and how could I forget the ever growing list of necessary objects it takes to get you to bed. paci, lovie, blankie, bear, puppy and sippy cup. And you will wake me up at all hours of the night if one has been lost.

I'm sure there is more, but there you have the highlights.


hugs and kisses. all my love.

mama

courage

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage- Brene Brown

I know Brene Brown is all the rage, and I have been meaning watch one of her TED talks when I have the time, and I actually did start the other day, but got distracted. I did hear this quote, though, and I have been thinking about it  a lot, because vulnerability, though you would think I would be comfortable with it given my claim to such a life on this blog- in actuality terrifies me, and is something I am only beginning to really face.

and the idea that it could be courage, to stand in the face of vulnerability and wade in its waters, its scary, unknown, naked waters, and call it courage and not fear.

well, that's just a bit mind blowing to me.

Something happened to me when I had my girls. It actually started when I married Josh, but it exploded with my offspring.

This notion of love. love that is deep and vulnerable.

The love that feels like my heart may never not ache again at the mere thought of losing them.

It's in those vulnerable moments, when I am gasp, can hardly take in a breath, and I wonder if all this love is worth that feeling.

love much means the possibility to lose much. 

and that is vulnerable.

and to do it anyway? 

courage?

that's empowering.

maybe, just maybe I don't have to be so scared to love these people.

there is another piece to this, and I am not familiar enough with Brene Brown to know about her spiritual background. 

But for me, such courage would only find it's possibility in Christ.

In God's own love for me. 

In God's own vulnerable moment, in letting Christ die.

"so that I may never more call their sins to mind" (Hebrews 10:17)

Anyway, I wading and pondering, yall. trying to rest in vulnerability as courage not weakness, and asking Jesus to help me.

3/52

the wisdom of a child, broken trees.

Today Annie was looking out the window, and said. 

"God doesn't like the trees with no leaves. The trees are broken and have no leaves. It's a broken tree world".

I have never said a word to her about such a thing, but there was something deep down in her that knows that things are meant for life.

I use the word broken a lot, but I have actually guarded that word with Annie, trying to protect an unblemished world for her as long as I can. Some may say that is stupid, but these days, where the unseen seems so real to her, I pray will aid her down the road when the world is all too real. I pray she will lean into that time when the unseen was just as the real as the seen. She won't have such a difficult time hanging on to a God that she can't see.

And yet, her little soul. Her little cheerful, song filled soul looks at the trees with their bare branches, and knows.

the wisdom of a child.

2/52

We had such a great, relaxing weekend. Monday came, it always does. But Sunday will pretty nice. And these girls. so sweet. most of the time.

1/52

I am excited to be participating in this project: 52 a portrait a week. 

1/52

Millie: This picture says it all. Your little personality is saying HELLO to the world.

Annie: The sweetness is your eyes is something to behold. Here you are, a sweet little "magi", giving me (Mary, of course, holding baby "jejus") a cupcake.

hello 2013.

no one told me that my 30's would bring the creeping anxiety. There has been enough bad news over the past month to make me crawl in a hole. Never drive. Never let me kids leave the house. you get it. you know it, too. If you are living, you know it.

But you can't stay there, I know I can't. How people get to that is different, but for me, it's faith in something that is bigger than me. It's waking up, and believing that God loves me. That whatever comes our way, we can held by His love.

I don't know how you get there when your baby gets shot by a mad man, or your wife gets killed in the car you were driving. Or you get the "news" that changes everything.

For us, it's a tumor the size of a pea, that for the most part is causing no problems at all, and may never cause a problem at all.

but it's the knowing, that something doesn't belong.

but the cracks in all our lives are filled with this. the knowing.

Sometimes it is more acute than others. For me, the last few weeks have been that way.

I ask God, when I am brave enough, "why?" Why so much pain? Why am I so scared?

I feel the weight of the world piling on, and then I remember- the weight is on Him.

This is a mystery.

But I am letting Him have it.

at least I am going to give it a good try.