baby baths

more health updates...

we went in this morning to have a gazillion tubes of blood drawn. I missed Dr. S's call, but the list of things he wanted to explore was long. I took a look at the list once we got to the hospital, and it looked like he is looking at lots of chemistry panels (iron, vit a, calcium, zinc, magnesium, corticoid, and a few more that I can't remember). He also wanted a urine screen for heavy metals. I would offer some kind of explanation, but I don't really know off the top of my head, except my gut feeling is that we're searching for some nutritional abnormalities- perhaps her body not absorbing or metabolizing nutrients like she should be. anyway, the lab tech said 7-10 days for the results.

Annie did great. She whimpered and cried big crocodile tears, but she was so still and let them get what they needed. I did all of my crying on the drive over.

We came home. She ate and giggled, and now she sleeps.

I love her so much it hurts. pray for sweet annie- that all will be ok.

how we spend these cold winter days

home

our almost new home

resolution

first of all- I feel the need to for a disclaimer.

I know most of you could care less about the play by plays of annie's illness. but, this blog also acts as a news source for family, and they actually do care (and you may, too), but anyway- bla bla bla- feel free to move onto your next blog. If you want to commiserate with me, by all means, stick around!!!

So, I took Annie to the Dr. yesterday- double ear infections, as I suspected. Was it slightly sick of me to want her to have them? I just felt like if there was not an answer to her REFUSAL to sleep, I just might lose my ever loving mind.

So, we're on the pink stuff for 10 days.

and now for MORE drama.

We go to a big practice, which has its pros and cons.

pro: you can always be seen by someone, with little wait.
cons. they don't know who you are from one visit to the next. this is starting to bother me.

back to the story.

We saw Dr. S. yesterday. I work with all these docs in the nursery, so I know how they are, and I like all of them. Dr. S is the more sober one of the practice. Quiet, thoughtful, thorough. Annie LOVED him.

and by love, I mean- she was not squirmy and let him stick a pokey instrument in her ear.

So, as we were chatting he asked me if she has had any problems with oral antibiotics. I said, quite proudly of my Sam's Formula fed baby- that she has never been sick. She has had a hint of a cold, but nothing like this.

I, then mentioned that she had lost her hair in December- or at least most of it- and from there, I could tell he was cranking on something. So, we chatted about that for awhile, answered some questions- and then he left for 15 minutes.

Dr. S came back in, gave me the low down on the antibiotics, and then jumped back on the hair loss train. He was concerned, perplexed, enamored, etc...

He asked if she had been sick. no, I said, siting the previous conversation.

so he starts throwing out possibilities....

immune deficiency? well, she has never been sick until now.
metabolic disorder? well, no other signs or symptoms? thyroid screen was normal

ugh.

so, he wants to "investigate". and then draw some lab work and have her screened for some most likely rare disorders.

I left with my stomach twisted in knots.

I think the thing he is more perplexed by is that she doesn't seem to have a ton of new hair growth. In fact, in some places it doesn't look like there is any at all.

I am trying not to worry. I kind of feel like I want to take her to a dermatologist before I let them poke on her again- I mean, if this is related to a stressful event (which can cause hairloss)- I certainly don't want to induce another one. I have a sensitive child on my hands, it seems.

If you made it this far- and you have any experience with this, by all means, pass on the info.

As for Annie- after a major meltdown last night which called me away from my book club, Annie finally gave it up and slept for like 7 hours. I woke up and realized I had been in a coma for who knows how long, and was shocked that it was morning, and the child was sleeping.

Of course, she won't nap now, but you take what you get.

and i love her, which covers a multitude of frustrations...

I leave with a prayer.

Dear God, give my child hair.

love,
Brooke

mental health

if this house doesn't get better, I may be on my way to losing mine.

another night of hourly wake ups. fevers.

josh is still sick, too.

I am somehow sick-free.

which is good.

off to nurture:)

(cute) baby cold

baby colds

it's been quiet here this week. quiet with a side of baby colds. oh, and some kind of strange josh ailment. There's been lots of cuddling with annie on the couch so she can nap sitting up. Last night was the worst. She is so congested. It was a long night- but she seems in good spirits this morning. I am hoping we are on the last leg.

I would like to sleep tonight.

Have a good weekend folks. We are marching closer and closer to our closing date. It's busy around here. I feel tired and excited.

I need Spring.

and a second cup of coffee.

for the husband.

I drove josh to the airport today. he's going to sunny florida for a "conference". sounds suspicious, yes? well, I am happy for him- a chance to see an old friend, bask in some sunshine, sans responsibility of wife, child, general supporting of your family kind of duties.

but I miss him. that josh.

I am in the process of cleaning out once again. cleaning, organizing, and throwing TONS away. read...TONS. If I write TONS and TONS, maybe I will actually follow through on my commitment to throw TONS away.

that wasn't annoying at all.

anyway- I bought lots of cute boxes from Target, because you have to make these things fun, or you'll just lose your mind.

I feel so much better now that I have a wedding box. our letters to each other, our wedding photos, our ceremony that was taped. our invitations and guest list. I will just sleep so much better knowing that box exists.

and my journal box. years upon years of journals. in their own little home.

I have a long way to go, but everything will find a home. a home I can access and not tear up the entire attic looking for one item. I do this. ask my mom.

and now- to bring this back to the husband-

well, I had a busy day today, running hear and there with a cranky baby- and also at our new house getting estimates on floors. I was chatting with the owner, because she is my new best friend (we already have a lunch date planned come Spring so she can see her old yard in bloom)- and it just struck me.

I was kind of happy.

I was kind of happy in Tulsa.

I was driving along, thinking that God has been good to us. That every step of the way, he has paved the road for us. Confirmed our steps. Even in my darkest hours, in all my efforts to change the course of our decisions- the plans have been firm. and the peace has followed.

I had my doubts.

and this is where I get back to josh. what a good man. he's handled it with strength and so much grace.

and I love him for it.

dinner

another one from simplyrecipes.com

home

change is coming.

two days ago, I told my mother in law that we wouldn't be buying a house until this Summer. As I was saying that, it's almost like I was having an out of body experience- like I knew that I should never say something like that. you just hardly ever say absolutes like that. They almost always prove you wrong.

well, we had been looking at a house for a few weeks- but it was priced high, and though I liked many of the amenities- it really wasn't a good house for us, and I just needed a few weeks to work through that- and well, at the end of it, I just felt like I wanted to hang up the search for awhile.

however, josh and I knew, based on the the two neighborhoods were primarily looking at, that if we found something, we would most likely have to act fast. we don't like acting fast.

so, bla bla bla- I noticed a house had come on the market this past weekend, so I called to inquire. The agent said it would go fast- one owner home, right neighborhood, house was in pristine condition.

ok, I'll go look.

I was there 10 minutes and texted josh. I don't remember what I wrote- but it was something like "I just found our house"...

This house has good, solid bones. The husband and wife were in the house when we looked at it. We talked about their 5o years in this house. how they bought it new for 33,000. How they raised their family in those rooms, and walked those streets for 50 years. That home had such a good vibe. You can tell when a home has a story. The walls felt so solid- in this weird, intuitive kind of way. When we looked at the other house, I kept having these feelings like the walls were going to cave in. Weird- but I paid attention to it.

So, long story short- we knew there was going to be another offer that night. We had to make a decision. So we did.

We offered a little below their asking price and asked them to pay closing costs- because, well, we just didn't have the money to do that. The agent didn't seem too keen on it. I think she knew this house would go for the asking price. But that was really our only option. Every one says if its the right place, well, it's the right place.

The agent called yesterday and said the woman really liked our family. That she wanted us to have the house. She accepted the offer, and declined to look at the other one.

I have no words.

I look at this house, and I think it's the kind of place we could live a long time. I never thought I would live in Tulsa a long time. I might not. but I might.

I just might.

is there an answer?

if you have read this blog for any length of time, you will know I am no stranger to melancholy. Some of it is legitimate. Some is much more about the way my soul is bent (and broken). I am learning to become more comfortable in my own skin- but part of the learning is knowing when the melancholy has taken its toll. when the shift inward leans towards self-destruction, self-pity, and even pride. like it's my pain. I will interact with it the way I feel like it. well, that's all well and good in the moment, but day upon day upon day- well, it only breeds more grief and little hope.

I can be in any of these places on any given day- even in the same day- and so the dance of repentance is one I am learning well.

I remember when josh and i were struggling with infertility. I mean, what does that even mean? We wanted a baby, and we were not having any luck- while it seemed the entire universe was fertile and babies were falling out of the sky into anyone's arms except mine. "struggling with infertility" just doesn't do those emotions justice. It was sad. heart breaking. a death of a million dreams. it created huge chasms in friendships. awkwardness. it stole countless moments of joy. it also took a good run at my innocence. my naive perception that the world always worked in my favor. that pain and sorrow and bad luck were for people in India and third world countries. but me- I live in a world where earthquakes and tsunamis and poverty were only a sad story on the news. my world was full of lunch dates, and parks, and perfectly constructed baby nurseries. that was my dream- and I was drunk with expectation. and the hangover- well, it lasted for years. as we waited, waited, and waited.

I will forever be thankful for the few minutes I sat in front of a counselor and he told me how risky it was to hope. to lean into love and hope, even though it might get taken away. that it was worth it.

I wish I could have seen that at the time. I missed my sister's baby shower because it was too risky- in fact, I checked out for most of her pregnancy. like it wasn't happening. like my pain trumped her happiness. her gift. This happened quite a bit, actually. circumstance, after circumstance- my pain trumping someone else's joy.

I missed out on so much hope.

now, I am not saying there is not a place for boundaries, and bad days- and even proper grief. but, as I have said for so long, joy and sorrow always mingle- they ALWAYS will- because of the world we live in.

I am so thankful for that counselor for giving me words for the kind of love I was avoiding. I didn't want to hope or enter into any kind of joy- because what if it failed me? what if i was using that decision to bargain my way into happiness, even a pregnancy? but you can't really. if you really enter into someone's happiness, their joy- well, that is a kind of love that is really only grace. the kind of love that says, I don't know how to do this on my own strength- I want to love you, and this baby, or your new job, or your brand new kitchen. I want to love your story with the confidence that I have a story of my own that God is weaving.

I know what your thinking- all well and good. you got your baby. you have a job. you have what you want.

well, perhaps this is true. but it hasn't always been true, and it might not always be true.

in fact, much of the way I am broken, causes me to fear the bleakest of circumstances. I see pain 10,000 miles ahead and I plot out ways to avoid it. I don't call people and choose to love them less because of the pain I am resisting of when I might not have them any longer. I do that with my own husband. I look at him when the lights are out, and my heart sinks to my feet at the thought of losing him at any time. and that thought spirals into the next- until I realize that this sad day comes to all of us. some earlier than others. that on any given day, we come face to face with the reality of living in such an incomplete place. such a paradoxical place. where blue skies and beaches, and coffee, and the most beautiful flowers send us to a place of utter bliss as we bask in the glory of true delight. the same place where the rain pours, and we lose our only love, and our wombs remain empty.

I have no idea how we live in these extremes. I just have no idea.

but I choose to hope. to risk it all. and I say that knowing I am having a good day.

and I also unabashedly admit, that I am putting all my eggs in this basket.