addendum

Well, approximately 3.5 hours from writing that previous, upbeat post- I came down with the stomach virus from hell. Comical, really. So, a trip to the E.R. and 18 hours of sleep or so later- I am on the mend. Josh also, almost in complete sync with my illness got a severe sinus infection- so we were fit to be tied. Thankfully we have kind aunts and parents who once AGAIN helped us through our drama! 

So, here's to 2009. Less drama, please.

two weeks in

Two weeks in.  All I can say is- oh my goodness. It's been a wild ride, intense, and lovely. And I am so.so. tired. All my family left yesterday and today, so needless to say I have been riding the hormonal roller coaster like a champ.  I was crying a few days before just anticipating their leaving. dreading the tears. I don't know what there is to dread. Perhaps the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the distance. On the other hand, I am excited about being a family with Josh and Annie, and look forward to the coming days...

I am slowly coming out of the 10 month fog of pregnancy. My old interests have creeped back in. There are movies I want to see, books I want to read. Creative juices seem to be flowing again. Food tastes amazing. I am back in my old jeans (there are benefits to having to pump 8-10 times a day!)..sorry if that was too much information. I know I won't get to see all those movies, or read all those books, or create all the things I want to create, but I am thankful for at least feeling like I WANT to- it feels like I am in the land of the living again.

Well, it's time to feed little Annie, and then Josh and I praying the wee one sleeps a bit, because well, we are tired:)

merry christmas and fa ra ra ra ra

Merry Christmas everyone. It was a quiet day around here for us. The family (extended) gets here one by one over the next few days, so our celebrating is being delayed a few days, which is kind of nice, as we are still in the early days of stupor, sleep deprivation, nervousness, totally awestruck, feeding craziness, tears, laughing, more tears, more laughing. Our days are so strange, we lost track of time yesterday and never made it to the grocery store before it's early closing. We managed to come up with a good breakfast and then for Christmas lunch, all we managed to find was a Chinese Buffet. I was a bit timid with the little one,  so we hid in the corner, and we had some good laughs with Mom and Jim as we munched on our sweet and sour chicken and Lo mein. Any other day I would have been a bit grossed out, but you had to laugh. Our own little Christmas Story  moment. All we needed was a sexy lamp and bee bee gun and we would have been set:) It's a good story, and one we'll remember for a long time.

The good food starts tomorrow. It will be a bit noisier here, but I look forward to being around all of my family these next few days. I would not have made it this year without all of their support and excitement to meet their little Annie. I still can't process all that has happened this past week and a half. Sometimes it hits me, and the tears fall quickly, as I think how different things could have turned out. I am so deeply thankful that God spared us in those tender, fragile moments of Annie's birth. 

I can already see how fast the time will go. I have had to really tell myself to stay in the moment. I find my mind wandering to the future and I wonder why it's so difficult for us to be present. I guess our hearts are always restless for something- may it find it's rest in God- who is both mysterious and sure- no matter the circumstance.

this could get annoying:)

Looks like Annie will be home by Tuesday. I really hope so. She has to have a sleep study done tomorrow night, and if all goes well, she will be free to come home with us. We don't anticipate any problems, this is a fairly routine study for all NICU babies. Annie graduated to big girl feedings today- She loved every bit of it. She is doing really great, and we are just so glad that she has recovered from her rough start. She really is the cutest thing I have ever seen. She looks more and more like Josh every day, and her cheeks are amazing. 

4 days old

thanks

for all the well wishes. We were so happy to have some time with Annie today. We just loved on her and Josh sang songs to her. It was really nice. It breaks my heart to leave her at night. I just feel like we should be there- but we all need our rest right now.

We got a little more info on Annie today and what all happened. Turns out she was more or less in shock (the medical state) when born. So they are going to watch her for at least 3-4 more days, perhaps a few more. She'll actually be here most likely through the weekend. She really is doing well, I think the neonatalogist just wants to make sure all her systems recover well, that she starts feeding ok, etc...They also want to make sure she stays infection free- so she is on 6 days of antibiotics, which will add to her long stay. It's not ideal, but I feel much more comfortable with her staying and having the support she needs (and me:)...

The c-section pain hit me tonite, but its manageable. I am still elated at how good I feel otherwise- no nausea for the first time in 9 months!

Anyway- thanks again for all the comments. We love little Annie (or should I say little Josh- she looks so much like him!)

Look at the pretty baby, and not me:)

I'll write more later, but this is Annie Ruth Jared. Born Dec. 16, 2008. She weighed 8 lbs, 20 inches and some change. 

We went in to the hospital Monday night to be induced after a long day of contractions. However, we arrived to see that I was already in labor and dilated to 3. I had an epidural by midnight and was feeling good...

Things started going down hill around 6 yesterday morning. I was dilated around 6 or 7, and received a boost for my epidural and the dr. broke my water. It became apparent very quickly that the epidural was no longer working, so another was put in while I was dilated to 8. I was feeling full on transition labor, so this was ummm....not in my birth plan:)

The next epidural worked, but there was still some "problem areas", shall we say, which made things pretty much miserable.

I was at 10 cm by 11 or so, and so we started pushing- after an hour and a half- I was literally falling asleep between pushes- which were pretty unbearable due to the lack of epidural working. My Dr. made the call to do a c-section.

In order to this, however, the anesthesiologist had to put in a spinal block, with me sitting up, with a baby wanting to come out:) He performed some kind of miracle in those moments, because I was screaming bloody murder.

The bad news is that it worked too well, numbed me way to high, and I could no longer breathe or talk- so he had to put me under, intubate me, etc....

The baby was difficult to deliver- even via c-section and heavily sedated from all the drugs I had been on, trying to get the epidural right. They (I was told) intubated her rather quickly and sent her to NICU fairly quickly. I was assured that she pinked up nicely even in the operating room, but for obvious reasons needed to get her seen about, stabalized, etc...

So, all in all a traumatic day for us- It will be awhile before either one of comes to grips with just how difficult it was, how scary. I was able to hold and see Annie last nite due to the kindness of a very lovely nurse. Because of all my complications, they really did not want me "traveling", to see the baby- but I was adamant that I needed to see my child!!! I was feeling so disconnected. Anyway- it was a beautiful moment. I was able to hold her, and she accidently pulled her breathing tube out- but it was fine, as she was ready to be taken on the ventilator anyway. She let out a few wimpers and girly cries, and then settled into my arms as calm as can be. It was a short visit, and I was so sad to leave her, but it made Josh and I both feel so good to see and be with her.

Hopefully today will be her last in the NICU- and I'l get to feed her, and get more acquainted with her and all that stuff.

There are a few photos above. She has lots of dark and hair and good solid cheeks:)

Pray we all recover fast...I am feeling really good. A little sore, but compared to the labor, this feels like a walk in the park, so I am thankful. 

much love-

brooke

no news yet..

Well, all of our walking made me tired and that's about it:) We went in last night, just because it's a mile from our house, and I knew they would be able to shed some reality on the progress- as I was so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sooo, they checked things out, still at 1cm, and my contractions had more or less vanished. So, they still think I am in early labor- but thankfully sent me home with a sleeping pill- and I slept something like 8 hours which makes me feel like I can do this another day. Soooo, more walking today I suspect. I feel like I have been in this phase of labor for a least 2 days, so I am hoping with a little motivation, we help things along.

thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I am both terrified and so very ready to meet our little munchkin. It was also nice to hear my nurse last night rave about my dr. She says she has seem him do some amazing deliveries- an that she loves watching him practice. Always comforting.

Well, it's early and I am still tired, but the walking shoes will be on by mid morning....

get a good look....

I know these photos are silly, but I took them on my computer right before I went to my dr's appt this morning- thinking, I really should document my last week of pregnancy- hopefully my last day!


The dr. said I was in labor- nice and effaced and dilated- and sent me walking until the contractions get closer together- then we are to head on in. I don't really know how I am going to time them because it just feels constant at this point, but I figure I'll hang in there for awhile, go on a walk, and hopefully get this show on the road. We'll update when it's all said and done. Pray for a safe, fast, painless (hee hee) delivery. one can dream.

still pregnant:)

I SO wish I had some news to share! Today I actually got out of my pajamas (yay!), and bought 2 whole Christmas presents! I also cleaned the kitchen and mopped the bathroom and put up several loads of laundry. That's nesting, right? One can hope...

I finished the book "Home" today by Marilynne Robinson (author of Gilead and Housekeeping). I wasn't totally taken with it- however, it's one of the first times I have read a book where I felt like it was mimicking  my own emotions- I have been struggling with the mundane since I have been home from work- and not knowing many folks here- so the days seem long and I have found myself a bit stir crazy and bored. This book has echos of that- long days and trying to figure out what home means...So, in some odd way I think I will always remember reading that book before having Annie- finding some kindred spirit in a bored soul of a character.

I have a feeling this is just the beginning of a major identity crisis:) That's ok, I am anticipating it, have felt it coming on, and hopefully will be better for it when its all said and done...Who knew I put so much confidence in my work and productivity. I don't think that that is a bad thing all together- it's just the doubt that creeps in when I even entertain being mostly at home with Annie. Like, I am not earning my keep. Like my brain cells will be start seeping out at a rapid pace and soon all I will be able to talk about are things that relate to baby poop or something of the like. I fear I'll lose my edge:) because, I am SO edgy! 

See what all this time does- it makes you crazy:)

no news

In case anyone had their hopes up from my post yesterday:)

At any rate, I am officially "stove up", as my grandmother would say. funny. I guess everybody feels this way at the end, but I feel like I am going crazy! 

We'll keep you updated....

Is it....

possible just to have one never ending contraction? That's how I have felt all day long. We just had our nightly walk, and I mostly moaned the whole time:) Maybe this is the start of something....Gosh, I hope so. Another week of morning television might just kill me:) I did read most of the day- I am half way through "Home"- same author of Gilead and Housekeeping. So far, I find it pretty boring- and it's ironic because the characters are basically struggling with boredom, as am I....so in a weird way, reading the book seems oddly appropriate. Go figure. I'll let you know how it ends up.

Here's to the weekend. 

The nightly walk

Well, we've initiated the nightly walk here in Tulsa.  The walk to clear our heads. The walk to please our dog. The walk that is ever so uncomfortable for me, but with hopes that it will get things moving and bring Annie on her way. It's cold, but it's fun to get bundled up, scarf and coat, and breathe it all in.

There is this undercurrent to it as well, this thing underneath all the anticipation, that everything is about to be so different. The emotion of it all really overwhelms me. We walk, me and Josh and the Welsie- and it's quiet. and even a little sad. but in a good way. sad because you love someone and knowing a season of your love is changing. 

well, I better stop, before the tears really start falling. Josh is cooking tonight, and it smells real good. I better go eat...