dog

a slow walk to the bottom of the ocean

almost 5 years ago, i left birmingham to go to st louis. to study God. to figure out something. I felt stale on the inside. Looking back, I think I was fairly scared. scared that i would spend my whole life being something that was safe, but not real. by the grace of God, I packed up my bags, left at 4 am on some morning and drove to my new home. i felt alive. really alive.

i soon learned that seminary was a strange place. that studying theology is lofty, mind blowing, weird. strange that people spend years of their lives "studying" God. I felt very insecure those first months. my questions were so big that they were small. mostly along the lines of..."what in the world are we doing here?'

I suppose real freedom came early that year. freedom to be there, and take in what i could. freedom to laugh at the insanity of studying the God of the Universe- as if he could be nailed down, captured, completed...in three years time. in any time. i watched alot. stood on the sidelines. wondered if i ever would really believe it all. believe in a way that would really change who i was. Annie Dillard writes in her book, Holy the Firm, "I came here to study hard things-rock mountain and hard sea- to temper my spirit on their edges. 'Teach me thy ways O Lord', is like all prayers, a rash one, and one I cannot help but recommend". I agree.

and so I found this church. and for three years i sat in a pew and watched people love each other. i listened to their prayers. i watched them cry. I watched them sing beautiful and awkward songs. i got my toes wet. I eased into the shallow end- and thanked God that these people had shown jesus to me.

i was scared. those people gave me strength and hope that i could participate in the community of christ. when i showed up to church, those people were expecting something. a meeting with jesus himself. they called His name and begged his presence- and I believed every word they said.

and then we had to leave.

this past year and half has been so difficult, and yet josh and i both feel like we are really in the depths of learning, digging in, engaging in a life that gathers around jesus and His people, and offers what little we have in worship.

i can tell you, it hurts like hell.

but i can also tell you, that in the still moments I am able to see that what is really happening is that I am in the deep end. I am diving down to the bottom as if there is some pearl on the ocean floor that will save my life. it's jesus down there. down in the nitty gritty ocean floor. where all the broken things sink into the only thing that can hold them.

a big fat weekend

this weekend was all over the map. friday, i spent the evening at a convent with the ladies at my church. I generally am not a retreat fan, only because I sleep horribly, and it echos of bad junior high church weekends at the 4-h camp. this place was pleasant. I still slept horribly, but I had a good time connecting with people. I feel hopeful, again, about this community- which is good.

Last nite, we had friends over and drank wine and ate good food and then made our way to a concert downtown. it was a long nite of music, an anniversary concert to Reg, who stole my heart many years ago. the radio show, that is.

mini review...

Stoll Vaughn- never heard of him. very entertaining. a johnny cash meets elvis/bob dylan mix. He sang this song about traveling to all these southern cities. Gosh, as much crap as i give the South, songs like that make me soooo nostalgic. For those brief three minutes, I fall in love with the South all over again. all and all, a good live musician. I would see him again

Matthew Perryman Jones- pleasantly surprised. I have listened to him some. I like him. not my favorite, but I like.

Jim James of My Morning Jacket- ok.ok. I know alot of people like this band. I can see why. I liked him for the first 9 songs. At song 30, I wanted what he was smoking, because he was obviously enjoying himself. I mean, he was a bit of a drama queen. I won't be very popular for saying that, but seriously, I just call things like I see them. Drama Queen.

Patty Griffin- you won't hear me say anything bad about Patty. Anyone that small who can sing that loud- I mean, she has serious pipes. This was not my first Patty show and not my favorite, but it was still good. she sang a good bit from her new album and some from her previous. Again, not a diverse set in regards to all her music, but still good. I actually have never heard her play anything from her first album live, which disappoints me because it still is one of my favorites.


so that's it. I have a super busy two weeks ahead of me. I might not resurface until March.

sigh.

what I have been doing

gosh, the past few weeks have been king of humdrum. I've been tired of winter since it started. not a winter person so much. it was so beautiful this weekend that i made josh change his entire afternoon plans to take a long walk in the sun. because it was shining.

i read kite runner the past few weeks. it was a pretty sad book, a pretty human book, and I learned some things that i think are pretty real. its easy to read, and yet not. its been a long time since i read a book where i wanted to cry. the emotions in this book were tangible. love and hate, both. anyway, its worth the read- on a number of levels.

i caught up on the ENTIRE season of LOST on the internet last weekend. something like 10 episodes. I am totally hooked, again. and yes, I was incredibly lazy last weekend- besides the walk, of course.

gosh, how boring is this post.

I talked to my friend leslie this morning. it was snowing in the promised land, and i wished i were in st louis watching movies and drinking coffee at meshuggas.

instead, i was here, in heart surgery, dodging tornadic weather. during winter.

good man

josh got me these beautiful roses today. because I am a good wife, he says. I can tell you, he is being gracious. he's a good man, that josh.

friends who dance, and waits

we had alot of fun with joy this weekend. and let me tell you, my friends can dance. like crazy dance.