Fall, please.

I ventured out today to do some grocery shopping, and bought my favorite fall herbal tea- Tazo's Wild Sweet Orange. I am SO ready for FALL.

Today is one of those hazy, hot days in Tulsa. It kind of irritated me, and I resonate with every woman who has had to endure a pregnancy in the Summer. If I can help it- that will not happen again:)

So, as I was doing my weekly exploring, I rounded a certain corner- and what do you know. A new Whole Foods. So, I ventured in, bought some new reusable bags, and some Fall tea. I also had a good laugh as I was checking out- on the little payment screen where you swipe your card, it asked "credit card" or "food stamps". I thought those were funny options- because the only way one can afford to shop there regularly is on credit or gov't assistance. I still like to browse, though. A woman can dream.

rest

I have tried to write this past week, but everything I have written down has seemed so sad and dreary- and well, I tend to be a melancholy, yet hopeful person- but the hope was so hard to find last week, and well, no words seemed true, despite how real it all felt.

With that said- nothing has really changed, but I feel more hopeful today, and I am thankful that my spirits have lifted.


Yesterday, as I was driving around, I was praying to God- and just said, I need something supernatural to happen today. Something to let me know that God was here, with me, in Tulsa. I learned this from Anne Lamott, who has these amazing stories about these kind of things, and I just felt like- I want to believe that, too, so I prayed, and asked- for something. I didn't really care what, I just needed something.

Last evening, I received two emails from two dear friends. One, telling me that she was planning a trip with another friend to see me this Fall, and the other sending her thoughts and prayers my way.

I really do have the best friends.

So, that's that. I also worked with a very rude surgeon today and it somehow did not break my spirit. He was such an ass, and I mean that in the kindest way, and it was nothing short of the grace of God that I did not break down crying- which he would have loved, I have a feeling. I also decided today to work an extra day a week, which is also totally bizarre and contrary to the way I have been feeling- but I think keeping busy is helpful- work is good, even if its hard work.

In other news- This Friday, I will be 25 weeks. 15 weeks to go- that just sounds insane! Annie kicks a lot, stronger and stronger- and she must still have a good bit of room in there, as I feel her all over the place.

That's all, folks. Some of my family arrives this weekend- can't wait. Lots of laughs and comfort are on there way.

a few times a year...

The bottom falls out, and the tears come- off and on- all day long, like a good soaking rain. This happened Sunday. After a rather difficult church visitation, I just lost it. Lost it in the car on the way home. Cried at lunch while eating a hamburger. Came home, took a bath, and cried some more. I would get better, and then they would just keep falling.

They were falling for all the people I had left. For the life I don't understand yet, here in Tulsa. For a job that feels difficult. For a baby that I love, and yet makes me feel so ill so much of the time, that I am weary. For friends that don't really exist here, yet. For the plans that we don't have for childbirth classes and a pediatrician or a baby sitter for when I'll have to go back to work. They fell for all these reasons and more, and for the first time in a long time, I was questioning so many things, a tad angry, even.

Well, the days since have brought perspective, but there is still that uneasiness lingering. The burden of so much unknown, and the longing to just be less homesick- and not just for a place, but that deep restless homesickness that is so much of a reality in this life.

I was cheered up a great deal last nite, as I watched this little munchkin take her first steps. I love this little girl- and I get to see her a little over a week. Can't wait!!!!

peace and quiet

Whew- I opened a can of worms on that last post, huh? At any rate, it's conversation I have avoided for a long time, and I think the moral of the story is that we have choices, and that is a beautiful thing.

And for the record, I woke up with the worst back spasm of my life last nite, and the first thing that came to my mind was- well, that about seals the deal for me on the epidural issue. I could barely handle a back spasm.

That's all I am going to say about that for now. I'll let you in know in 17-18 weeks how it all went down:)


So today, I have a long list of things that need to be done, but I am just yearning for some peace and quiet. I have a lot on my mind.

I feel like I am in somewhat of a predicament with my job/career path. Given that I am having a baby in 4 or so months, I am not really in the position to really explore some other options- new directions. At the same time, I am in the nitty gritty phase of learning a new job right now, and my heart just isn't in it. It's only been 3 weeks, but there are days when I seriously just want to be a barista at Starbucks for awhile.

What I want to do is my photography- and that was going so well in Birmingham. I had lots of work, and more work coming. And here, I am just starting and it's a challenge. Google is helping- I am getting a few calls every week- but it just takes time, you know. time. time. time.

So, here's to patience and letting things fall where they may.

the business of being born.

So, I kind of dance through life hoping that generally things work out for the best. Well, DANCE, might be a bit of a stretch- but I guess what I am getting at is that I don't really worry too much about HOW things happen, as long as they do. For example- don't really care about how the dishwasher gets loaded. I am just happy that I have a dishwasher, and that occasionally someone else is willing to load for me. I could use a number of examples, but the thing that has been on the brain more so as of late, is of course the whole baby thing- and well, that small detail that it eventually comes out.

My friends generally fall into two categories on this issue. One extreme (all natural) to the other (I don't want to feel a thing). The problem with my thinking on this is that I have assumed the whole issue here was simply about pain- one group willing, perhaps even wanting to experience it- and the other not wanting to. I, of course, feel like this has been painful enough- and had assumed the issue was solved for me. epidural please, thank you very much.

I have also avoided these conversations because one group tends to make me feel guilty for not wanting to experience every iota of pain associated with giving birth, and the other group makes me feel like I have given up my role in the process- so until now, I have just put all my thoughts on the shelf, and lived a life full of nausea and denial that I will have to face the inevitable.

Well, after my first visit with my new OB, I knew it was time to face the music. Thankfully, my doctor has taken some of the decision making out of my hands- as he doesn't induce, and he doesn't do c-sections (unless, of course, he has to.) He did really encourage a bradley class and getting a doula- but he also said he had no problem letting me have an epidural. This all seemed like a happy medium to me.

As I felt more comfortable with the idea of actually giving birth, I have at least come to the realization that being educated is good, and it's best to make informed decisions- however scary the outcome may be.

So, my first step was to watch this documentary- The business of being born. Anyone having a child should watch this documentary. It's obviously slanted towards the home birth movement, but I found it really informative- and oddly, I found myself being really interested in midwifery. Go figure.

It also sheds light on the path obstetrics has taken in the last 30-40 years. The c-section rate alone has gone from something like 4% to 46%. In Europe and Asia- c-section rates still remain very low. I also found it interesting that the U.S. has one of the highest infant mortality rates for developed countries. Scary.

Much of this is attributed to way obstetrics is being practiced. I won't go into that here- but I have to say that what I was hearing made complete sense- and it made me wonder if our doctors don't often cause more trauma and drama, than if we had taken things slower with less intervention.

I really appreciated this film because it did show the need for intervention as well. One midwife, after arriving to a premature labor situation and finding the baby to be breech- immediately took the woman to the hospital, where she was delivered via c-section emergently. The outcome was good- but not have been had the midwife not known her limitations. I loved that.

But most of all, I just really appreciated and learned that the whole birth process and decision making is not just about pain. It's about knowing about what's going on, how different drugs may effect outcomes-what your rights are as a patient. All of these things were really helpful to me.

So, like I said, this is a great documentary. It's biased, and that's okay. I knew that before I watched it. It's graphic- lot's of babies being born in bathtubs. I cried every time, but I still don't think it's for me. I do feel like I got new information, and I plan to follow up those questions with my doctor. I didn't know what sort of questions to ask before watching this, and I am thankful that it got my wheels turning.

weekend

This weekend, one of my best friends in the world got married in Saint Louis. The weekend was amazing. The weather felt like late Spring- and it was wonderful to be back in a place I love so much. It felt like a really long hug. I didn't want to let go.

Saint Louis has always been the place where I felt most like myself- and every time I return, I find myself asking God to somehow get us back there, some day. It's not that I haven't felt cared for and loved elsewhere- because I have. It's just there, I feel some kind of deep peace.

To all the friends I was able to see this weekend- it was SO GOOD to see you. And Leslie and Kevin- CONGRATS! We had the best time and love you all dearly.

And also Hagers- thank you for the cozy bed and good conversation. It was a pleasure to stay in your home.

Annie Ruth Jared

it's a.....

girl!!!!

cross your fingers

Well, upon my mother's insistence, I have another ultrasound on Monday at a place that does gender identification. There are these big imaging clinics all over Tulsa- places that do ultra sounds and MRI's and CT scans, etc... Maybe these exist in Birmingham, too- who knows. Anyway, for 50 bucks they will give it another go.

Guess whose 32 oz. of fluid will contain caffeine and sugar on Monday?

Until then, I am back to my curtains- the ones whose pattern I have already abandoned. We'll see how THAT goes. If I am not too embarrassed, I'll show the finished product. Right now, I am just mad I paid 8 dollars for a pattern I know I would most likely not follow....

jury still out

Well, another dramatic day at the Jareds. I woke up sick. yay. We proceeded to the OB, where I would first get our 20 week ultrasound, then head to the OB visit. We made it the ultra sound office, I got on the bed, and the ultrasound MEAN lady said, "where is your full bladder?". This was just after she had practically berated Josh over the possibility that he might have a video camera in his bag. We were both kind taken aback by her rudeness. You probably just had to be there. ANYWAY, she quickly took her little wand away, wiped my stomach off, and said very flatly- "I can't do it". Soooooo- We rescheduled for later that morning and headed to the OB.

HE was great. I feel so lucky that someone suggested him to us. He is super cool. 7 feet tall- I am serious! Anyway, we both felt so good about seeing him, and he wants to see me every 2 weeks from here on out, just so we can get to know one another. He doesn't induce or do c-sections (unless he has to), encourages natural childbirth- but thinks epidurals are fine and good. Anyway- he seemed really passionate about what he does- and he is anglo-catholic, which just about made Josh giddy.

Sooo, all was well there, we then proceeded to tank me up full of fluids. I drank a large Sprite and a Large water in less than an hour, and not quite certain which end it was all going to come out first. It was really miserable.

But we made it back to the Ultrasound office, and the lady was STIll in a bad mood, and I was seriously feeling like I was going to throw up on her, and feel very HAPPY about it:) Anyway, she seemed to lighten up a bit as she did the ultrasound. The baby looked good, at least to our eyes- she said very little, except here's the head, here's a leg, etc....

So, the baby was evidently sleepy and cozy, legs all curled up and resting. She got a view from behind, where no MALE parts were seen- but she would not commit to a sex, since she didn't have a great view. Soooo, it looks like it may be a girl, but we don't know for sure, and she certainly was not going to waste her time trying to find out.

We did get a little 4-d view of the baby, and if you can tell in the above photo, the Elliott cheeks live on. I loved seeing that picture, so the painful morning was all worth it!

The baby weighed 14 ounces, and due date moved up to Dec 12.

Soooo, Tulsa has an ultrasound clinic where you can pay to have a gender ultrasound. It's like 45 dollars, so we're going to have that done soon. I really want to know for sure- and would like a better experience.

I did tell my nurse that the ultra sound lady was a bit sassy, and she said she hears that a lot. She isn't hired by my OB, so not much they can do about it, but seriously- this lady was little too much.