gratitude

thanks for all the kind comments and emails regarding my last post. Deep, deep gratitude.

Annie starts pre-school today! yay!!!!!

Yesterday I said to Annie, "Are you excited about school tomorrow?"

Annie: " YESSSS! Friendsssss! (long pause) BOYSSSSS!"

Me: "oh, dear."

If I get some time today, I am going to take a picture of my chubby baby Millie. You would have never known she wasn't gaining weight! She's quite the chunka-chunka!!!!

memory lane

In a little over a month, I will celebrate 7 years of documenting my life on a blog. who knew 7 years ago that this blog would still exist?


I have had lots of emotion surrounding this little blog. I struggle, often, with just making it private. Many times (like yesterday, and many more before that), I write something, and then delete it, because I am too audience oriented. Things I want to say and share, I feel timid doing so- because I fear judgment or misunderstanding. But, like I have mentioned before, this is one of the huge weaknesses in my life- the care I take to please my audience- however large or small that may be- and well, sometimes, you just have to be who you are. People can choose to trust you, remain your friend, and just love you how you come- or they may not, and at the end of the day, you just can't change the way people are. and they may think you are crazy, or too this or too that- and you know what. it just doesn't matter.  I have to remind myself how attracted I am to people who are confident in their sense of self- not that they are self sufficient- different thing-but rather, confident in whose they are. who they belong. who they were made to be.


And so, I am trying to lean into myself. not rely on myself, but leaning into who I am, how God made me, and really trying to listen to THAT voice.


Much of the reason I document life on this blog, is so my kids will have this written account of their lives, and their momma's life. I am not ashamed to share this life with them. I hope they will read one day about the things that I fought hard for, the things I felt worthy of surrender, and my love for them. I hope they will see the confusion and the clarity. I hope they see it all- so they will know that life is topsy turvy sometimes, and that's ok. They will see that people can change, and grow, and even come to see things differently. This is good. being static is not.


All this to say- I have not made this blog private, because many of you tell me that these words have encouraged you. I also feel connected to the world in some way, and knowing that others are reading, does give my writing some balance (though often its tilted a bit too much in the 'i want to please you direction'--I am working on this.


God is doing a real work in my life. After three very difficult years, I feel like the little lamp is burning again. There is light in places that have felt cold and damp. I feel freedom in areas that have previously felt like a prison. I feel true remorse and repentance in areas of my life that been closed off to the kindness and forgiving nature of the Gospel. There is been much discontent in my heart for the past three years, and the chains of that discontent, are slowly being unshackled. This has come in surprising ways.


About 6 weeks ago, Josh and I officially began a new church path. After what feels like a three year tug o' war- we finally (mostly me- josh has been ready) made the decision, and that Sunday we attended our first Mass. I feel like we have entered this foreign country where nice people keep offering us comforting things, and we have no idea what they are saying, but we feel welcomed and nourished. Yes, there is this craving to speak the language, and even be "home",  but we cannot deny the calling and peace that is present, despite our inability to understand the language and customs. I am a cradle Protestant- and much of my life has swung to the rhythms of that Protestant life. If you had told me this was the path we would have taken- I would have laughed in your face. told you that you were crazy.


who has pie on their face now?


Many of my more theologically inclined friends will take offense. How could we turn our backs on the Reformation- Luther, Calvin and list of saints that followed? Well, I don't really feel like I am. I am also only 6 weeks in, with many weeks, months, (years, even)- of discernment ahead of me.


What I can tell is that a deep peace has fallen over me. I can tell you that Mass has brought welcome rain to a parched soul. That I am caring about things that felt more like a burden in years past. That I am reading the Bible (GASP!) and praying (DOUBLE GASP!).


I can tell you that God seems to have laid out a path before us- with a Priest that I am certain even my most enthusiastic theologically inclined friends would approve of, a Catholic family that has befriended us- and feel like kindred spirits after one dinner. Someone willing to keep our kids so we can attend  classes for the next year as we discern this path together. The list goes on.


I know not everyone will understand. and here is where I have to be a grown up and say- I just don't care anymore. I wasn't even sure I wanted to wave the flag quite yet- you know, this feels like a very personal thing- and it is- but this blog is personal to me, and to not share this part of our life- well, it just seems like hiding.


With that said, I will leave with a quote a good friend posted on Facebook yesterday. It was good for me to hear. so good.

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

"You are the heir to the Kingdom. Prosperity is your birth right and you hold the key to more abundance in every area of your life then you can possibly imagine."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

house rules

I just made this for the girls' bathroom.

FAQ

so, I was researching homemade baby food the other day, because every once in a while, I convince myself that I am on of those moms. You know, the kind with systems, and orderly closets, and nice schedules. and a freezer stock piled with BABY FOOD, in neat, 1 ounce cubes.

how sweet.

I'm about five minutes from running to the store to buy baby food. in JARS.

I digress. So, I stumbled upon a blog the other day, during my research. It was a very stylish blog with lots of pretty photos. I was quite taken with it, actually. There were all these great links to cute kid gadgets and a very long blog post on how to make the prettiest little baby foods you ever did see. However, the more I read, the more unsettled I became. I love the internet, but with it comes even more pressure for moms.

I did the only thing I could do. Clicked on that little "x" and said goodbye. oh, and I tried to laugh it off.

this is my new therapy.

I am not bashing homemade babyfood. Believe me, I would do it (and probably will from time to time)- but I am just not wired in a way to totally pull that off. but that's not really my point.

my point is idolatry.

what, you say?

This Summer, because of internal questions and sorting and sifting, and seeing the light of day again- I have come to realize how much I compare. how much I value the opinion of others. How I long to be in good favor with others. How I have made my soul adaptable to please my audience.

This isn't grace. or charity. or anything that I have fooled myself into believing is good about this.

It's idolatry. plain and simple.

and I am tired. tired of having the right answer to please whomever I am in front of. The right answer to make someone comfortable instead of having the real conversation.

which brings me to FAQ. I come across some of these more "famous" blogs, and they always have FAQ's.

so, I thought I would pretend like I am famous blogger and have a faq post.

because I know you are dying to know these things.

no- really, it's so I'll remind myself who I am. That I am sitting in the unknown. That I am loved by God despite of it. that it doesn't matter if I do or watch or think a little differently than the next person. That we are all different and image bearers all at the same time. That we belong to same person, and that's what really matters.

When I was a little girl, I went to a backyard bible club for a week, and I memorized my first bible verse.

Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

at the end of the day, this little seed is what stands out as true. everything else. I just don't really care (as much) about.

so, just a few faq's to keep it real.

1) Do you let Annie watch TV? How funny you should ask. YES!!!! Sometimes, too much!!!! I have netflix instant queue hooked up to a ROKU and it rocks!!!! It was 116 here the other day. Yes, you heard this right- and there is only so much to fill up the days when you are all but melting. Truth be told, I wish she watched less. I'll be glad when her and Amelia can play together.

2) What do you let her watch? I am kind of particular about this. There is no Yo Gabba Gabba in this house. That show drives me insane. It just makes me feel weird, like I just had LSD in my cereal. We watch lots of Sesame Street, Wonder Pets, Curious George. I am sure there are more, but those seem to be on the rotation the most.

3) what kinds of crafts do you do?  Well, I usually make a big pot of play dough early in the week. We get tired of that by Tuesday, and then we bust out the paints. We color a lot, too. I pretty much provide the medium and let Annie rock it like she wants to. I like the idea of art being free. She gets plenty of structured art at school. we keep it untamed at home. When we get real desperate we just start taking baths. helps pass the time.

4) snacks? we keep the diet pretty simple around here. cheese, yogurt, goldfish, grapes. We throw in a cookie every now and then.

5) veggies? um, broccoli is all I can get her to eat. we fail in this area.

6) books? we read at bed time. I would like to incorporate more as she gets older. I don't really like being read to, so I am not a great "out loud" reader- but I think its important, and I hope to get over myself enough to give Annie a love for story. stories are good. and it teaches us about our own stories, too.

7) potty trained? um, no. we're trying, though.

8) what about you? how kind of you to ask. I am great, thanks!

9) Do you still hate Tulsa? that's an interesting question. I think I will always feel a bit like a wanderer here. The older I get, the more the theme of "home" enters into my story. I miss home. and close friends. I have been blessed with many. I miss the South. I miss Sweet Tea. I miss my culture. my people. SEC football. velveeta cheese dip.

10) Are you still breastfeeding Amelia? Nope! She wasn't gaining weight @ 4 months, so we started supplementing. It was too much to do both, and I was kind of ready, anyway. I had plenty of guilt about it. I am over it. And she has fat rolls now. so we're all good.

11) Favorite TV shows? Um, don't judge, but I watch the bachelor/bachelorette. I don't know why I find this show intriguing. I just think its a mix of ridiculousness and fascination. People want to be loved so much. Friday night Lights. LOVE IT!!!! best show ever. seriously. I loved that show. 30 Rock. I am late on the scene to this one, but oh so good. I heart Tina Fey. I want to go to there. The Office. It lost some steam this season, but still- excellent show. hilarious. Parenthood. I am a sucker for a dramatic family show. Downton Abbey. Lovely BBC series. Rent it or watch it on Netflix and you'll be all caught up when the 2nd season starts in January!
 any good movies lately? Oh my, just watched "the other woman". It really has little to do with the title- but a really moving film with Natalie Portman. She was great in this film. really great.

12)  Is Amelia like Annie? nope. so different. Very chill and easy. Except she pukes up EVERYTHING. Poor baby smells like sour milk. all the time. btw, Annie was relatively easy, too. but it's your first, you know. and everything just feels amp'd up a notch.

13) Does Amelia like Annie? yes and yes. she LOVES annie. Can't wait for them to get bigger.

14) Are you gonna have another baby? Jury is out. but probably not. it's been a hard three years. me and pregnancy don't coexist very well.

15) Do you realize these questions are rather boring? I know! how strange, because I am so funny! oh well, maybe I should just stick to melodramatic blog posts.

16) One last thing, have you heard of spotify? yes, and I love it. go check it out. it'll change your life.