cravings

It's 10:3o in the morning, and my little one is being carried to her sweet grandmother's for a few days, so we can work, catch up, work some more. I should be sleeping, but kissing her little bald head before she left woke me up, and I find myself stirring, along with my stomach.

such is life these days.

I have been really craving- not food- but space. Peaceful, uninterrupted, nature filled space. But then I think about getting to such a place, packing, cars, airplanes, planning- and my mind gets cluttered, and I pause, and think, there must be something else I want more. getting there is just too hard.

and I then I think, most things worth getting to, are hard. take work, sacrifice.

And when I am honest, I think what I am craving is escape.

I can't be in a kayak on a peaceful morning in the gulf. but I want to be. I want the weight lifted off. I want the burdens gone. I want the nausea to goes its merry way. I want to feel like me for one split second. I want to feel like me for one split second in a heavenly place.

Ironically, what is coming, is more beautiful, hard work. Another mouth to feed, to love and nourish. My heart aches at where the strength will come from. But it will come. Love gives in that way. It pours out from the heavens like manna. like mystery. like a gift.

I won't always feel this way. This on empty, get me out of here so I can breathe again, feeling. The nausea and long days will pass, and they will be very distant memories soon enough. Sure, I'll have these feelings again. And, hopefully I'll be lucky enough to escape a time or two.