saturday morning

another long week at the jared household. it is quite the journey josh and i are on. sometimes i feel like we are in the middle of a very steep climb up a very tall mountain. you know, the kind of pain you experience where all you can do is think about is the next step, or maybe if i just threw up it would feel better, the kind of pain where you forget you are actually climbing this mountain with SOMEBODY- that's too much to take in. in the moment, it's me and the hill- and my occasional thought of- it would feel better just to quit.

and then I have a saturday morning, where I pick up a book that josh is reading which, by the way, is REALLY GOOD, and I realize I have this person in my life, this mysterious person who is my husband, walking up this same gigantic hill- and well, I just realize, I am not alone.

josh has been harping all year on how gnostic we are. "we", as in christian "we". we pay little attention to the connection of physical and spiritual. despite that our whole faith rests on a God- MAN, we toss our bodies aside and assume its the interior life only that matters to God.

I am slowly getting this. I am getting the connections between the physical me and the spiritual me. when I kneel to pray, there is something inside me that kneels. when i throw my fist in the air to God, my heart curses, too. when my body fails me, my spirit is wounded.

I am feeling this more than ever these days. I have been so healthy my whole life. I hardly EVER get sick. My body has just mostly done what its supposed to do. textbook. until now. I join the chorus of sarai and hannah and rachel and elizabeth. I cry drunken prayers.

I probably have been gnostic most of my life- but when life breaks down and wombs are closed, something awakens, a connection is realized. I don't know the mystery here. I don't understand it- but it's there, and I find it hopeful and quite beautiful.

*****

a less poetic update.... I had another test this week that showed one blocked fallopian tube. aside from the fact that the test hurt like HELL, this was GOOD news. Josh and I have a consulation with a fertility specialist in one week. For the non-medical types out there, ovaries basically alternate every month releasing an egg, so if you only have one good tube, then your chances are already cut in half. Also, I learned this week, that most women have a dominant "follicle"- which more or less means that one ovary does most of the egg releasing. If the dominant "follicle" is on the side with the bad tube- well, getting pregnant is even more difficult. The good news is that fertility meds can help with this and hopefully we are nearing the end of a very long year. We are really thankful to have the information we have, and we more or less know what the issue is- now we just need some help.