my children, my home

I have talked a lot on here, over the years, about home. longing for it, wondering what it is and where it is. I could spend a lot of hours on a therapy couch figuring that out, why I think about it so much. I am sure it is rooted in loss, as is much our pain being human. I endure a fair amount of tension "working this out", because, well sometimes you have to surrender to not knowing, not having the lose ends tied up, and hoping that ultimately our true home is somewhere we haven't been to yet.

but until then, I am thankful for the glimpses.

Madeleine L'engle says:

"We are all strangers in a strange land, longing for home, but not quite knowing what or where home is. We glimpse it sometimes in our dreams, or as we turn a corner, and suddenly there is a strange, sweet familiarity that vanishes almost as soon as it comes." 



I see this with my children. I might feel lost in the chaos, the whining, the incessant begging for treats- but there is something in their life, their thoughts, their sweet expressions, where I get taken in, gripped by home.

These are my people. And I get to watch them grow, be little humans. I get to hold them, and explore with them. I get to be there for them.

I fight so much for my own rights, my own way, my own peace, but when I turn my gaze towards them (When God helps me peel away by own obsession with the mirror)- I realize that all that really matters is being with them, in that moment. 

It is amazing to see someone so convinced of your love. Annie and Millie know, in a way that is intangible, that they are loved and taken care of. If I do anything right, they will always know that. They will never have to bargain for that, beg for it.

Lord, if I stay true to anything, help me do that.

If you have had a week like me, when the AC breaks and you get to buy a 3,000 dollar unit, and your kids were crazy, and all you really wanted to do was hang out with your sister...let's remember that we are not home yet. but we are getting there....

and the home you have, well its pretty great, even so.