The bottom falls out, and the tears come- off and on- all day long, like a good soaking rain. This happened Sunday. After a rather difficult church visitation, I just lost it. Lost it in the car on the way home. Cried at lunch while eating a hamburger. Came home, took a bath, and cried some more. I would get better, and then they would just keep falling.
They were falling for all the people I had left. For the life I don't understand yet, here in Tulsa. For a job that feels difficult. For a baby that I love, and yet makes me feel so ill so much of the time, that I am weary. For friends that don't really exist here, yet. For the plans that we don't have for childbirth classes and a pediatrician or a baby sitter for when I'll have to go back to work. They fell for all these reasons and more, and for the first time in a long time, I was questioning so many things, a tad angry, even.
Well, the days since have brought perspective, but there is still that uneasiness lingering. The burden of so much unknown, and the longing to just be less homesick- and not just for a place, but that deep restless homesickness that is so much of a reality in this life.
I was cheered up a great deal last nite, as I watched this little munchkin take her first steps. I love this little girl- and I get to see her a little over a week. Can't wait!!!!
5 comments :
I so, so, so get what you're saying. Not to put it too lightly, but transition is such a beast!
Next week!! Next week!! I can't wait and I know the munchkin is just as excited!
"... that deep restless homesickness that is so much of a reality in this life ..."
i'm with you Brooke. and i'm so sorry. thinking of you and praying for you.
transition, moving, starting over...i'm with you there.
almost had a break down in my spin class this a.m. telling them next week would be the last, thinking about the piles of boxes lining the walls of my room, the homelessness with which i will exist for the next several weeks (or in more of a nomadic state, the home i do not yet have, the friends i will no longer have...etc.
may we continue on...
praying for you, my friend.
sidenote: and i tried to call you yesterday (before the FB update).
love you and miss you dearly.
Oh my gosh Brooke - I had the same experience while visiting a church when we first moved to Atlanta from Birmingham 10 years ago - the folks at that church are probably still praying for me. I cried and cried and cried and I never thought I could stop. I cried for all the same reasons you did (except for the baby!). I never thought I would find a church I loved as much as Dawson, I never thought I'd find friends as dear as the ones I'd had for 15+ years, I never thought I'd love my job as much as my old job. My poor new husband didn't know what hit him! But, eventually I found a great church, new friends, fell in love with my job, etc., etc. It was VERY hard!
The thing that made all the difference was when I finally had my son. I made so many good close friends that I cherish today - all because of breast feeding classes and playgroups! It will get so much better for you and your sweet family.
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