lots of posts

I know I keep updating the blog with mundane details, but I am feeling so overwhelmed, it helps me to write it down. My words always seem to help me stay grounded, like getting them out in the universe helps me to see where my hope is (or lack thereof). helps me realize that it's okay to feel like things are a bit out of sorts. helps me to admit- that there are days when I am completely unsure of most things, and there are other days where I am absolutely sure of so much.

One thing that I have known, and that I am really feeling with great intensity right now, is my need to control. I tell Josh that I need him to take over some things, let me off the hook. He does so willingly, but I hardly listen to my own request. I wake with thoughts churning, working the books in my head, making calls, etc... But I am tired, and scared to the core about this little baby, and though I seem tough and unyielding, I am anything but.

I wrote to a friend today that I wish we did not have to fear difficult things in this life. I really believe in having hope, and staying positive- I feel more at ease when I do so, but I also know that the best attitude cannot always prevent pain, and so I carry that burden as well; I carry them both.

These days, I am longing for peace. that long pause. that one long moment of contentment. Space in my mind to be quiet. A moment to be utterly still in. 

Ah, just writing that helps feel like it's a possibility.