twine ball: just write

just write

I do not handle adversity well. I get mad at it, actually.

I mean, I can write pretty and poetic about it. but really, I am just plain bad at it.

really, it annoys me that I am a single parent right now. My dear husband just had a tumor cut out of him, and last week I was hanging on for dear life- and this week, I am like- really, I have to take the trash out?


not to mention the gazillion times I got out of bed last night with amelia.
I mean, really, I could write this entire blog post in italics because I am just being that ridiculous.


But I dig deep and find the mercy and try to hold on to that. I forgive myself- because I depend on the fact I am indeed forgiven.

I don't know what happened when I turned 30, but no one told me that the unraveling starts there. that slow untwisting of the twine. And if the unraveling weren't threatening enough, you actually drop the twine and it unrolls across the kitchen floor. You spend the next 5 minutes rolling that ball up again.

I guess that's what I am doing. Getting my twine in order. after an epic unraveling last week.
I am here sitting on my kitchen floor, making a twine ball.

this is free writing, in case I lost you on the whole twine ball thing.

anyway. I would rather be doing something else. something easy.

My 20's were spent with glorious notions of a life I only dreamed about. they were awesome.

dreams are good. I still have a few.

But My 30's have taught me the real lessons.

loss. fragility. compassion. empathy. love. vulnerability.

I am still bad at adversity. I hope next time I stare it in the face, I will not be so cowardly.

I hope I will hear God better. You know, like the way he always had to hound Israel.

"remember when? remember this. and remember that? that was because I loved you." (the brooke jared abbreviated version)


but for now. I have two words for you.


twine ball.