The older I get (and the louder my house has gotten), I find myself really longing for contemplative worship. For words I can grab onto. Liturgy that dances in my head during the week when the external noise is so loud I can hardly remember who I am.
and yet, I find at church, I encounter more noise. loud instruments. loud preaching. So much to filter to find that quiet space- and in the end, I just feel lost in the noise.
The church we have settled into here has been a blessing in many ways. I really want to use caution with my words- because this has much more to do with me, than them. Don't I sound like someone who is trying to breakup with their boyfriend..."it's not you- you are WONDERFUL- it's me.....". I feel so conflicted, but at the end of the day, it IS me, my soul, my longings...longings for my own relationship with God. my children, and how they will view spirituality. And I am scared. scared to death of leaving what I know. what is comfortable. and yet the irony, is that I am not comfortable at all.
We were a few weeks away from joining this church, and after a sermon I heard a couple weeks ago, I just can't seem to let go of how different I feel about some crucial things. The sermon saddened both Josh and I terribly. We were both in tears after a lengthy conversation about it- and so here we are, stumped. tired.
leaving these people makes my heart sick. They have been true friends to me- and I feel like we are on such a profound journey right now (josh and I)- and I just don't know how it will turn out (church).
I am one to hate to disappoint. a people pleaser to the core.
but this feels bigger than that.
So, for now, I blame Walker Percy, Annie Dillard, Anne Lamott, C.S. Lewis, Thomas Howard, Flannery O'Connor, John Donne. and the list goes on. People who have blessed me with their writing about spirality and the human condition. People drawn to the historical church- many Catholic.
Josh and I, in our church dreamworld, really want to be in an Anglican Church. Unfortunately, Tulsa is a CRAZY church scene- lots of charismania, and lots of liberal Christianity. The Anglican church is as broken as any, and this has caused many a road block for us here.
And the issue of community continues to be huge for us as well. We believe in living life together- and finding a place where these two longings are married has been so, so difficult.
I don't know where we will land.....but I am eager to know.
6 comments :
I hear you. Really. You describe where I live better than I can.
Last week, a little 11 year old called me up and asked if I would take her to a worship night we have monthly at the church farm property. We went and as we were leaving she said, "You know, it feels like they didn't finish singing any of the songs. They just kept repeating the same thing over and over. It's like they left out some verses." Boy did she hit the nail on the head and say what I'm reluctant to say inside of the community we love so much. We stay because we love the people, but I'm going to have to continue teaching my child a rich liturgy at home and somehow feeding myself. It's sad when the idea of a Bible study feels so novel and like such a brilliant idea instead of like something one just does as a matter of course.
Makes me wonder what Heaven will be like. You know, I totally want to hang out with Lewis in Heaven......watching him interact with Jesus. The idea is fascinating.
Anyway, thinking of you and appreciating the way you put our rather similar experience into words.
Email me! I feel like this is a big new development!
Do you ever (and this is a serious question) just think about signing up for RCIA and taking the plunge?
I think that the American Anglican denominations (not ECUSA and not the Anglo-Catholics—but just because I don't know) are all broken. There's such a disconnect between African Bishops and American Priests...not that I don't love it...it's just kind of way it is.
This is a lot of how I felt in the PCA (ALL of the churches). I am sorry. It is hard.
sls
sls- yes, it's on the table. There are some great catholic parishes here- I just have years of bad evangelical teaching re: the rcc. Just more noise, you know? Have you read any Thomas Howard? Excellent writer/convert with evangelical background. He keeps me sane in all this.....
Christ will guide you into the room in which he wants you to sit and rest. (I love Lewis' description of Christianity as a hallway with many denominational rooms branching off to either side where the Christian can sit and be fed.)
I am also a bit of a" Catholic-phobe" because I was literally taught that Catholics can't go to heaven. It would be a difficult change.
I haven't read Thomas Howard, but I'm just about to download some of his work onto my Kindle.
This may seem strange, but I think you might find some encouragement from some charismatic Anglicans or Catholics. Some parishes have thriving intercessory prayer ministries that you might derive some benefit from as you walk through this challenging chapter of your life.
There have been a few circumstances recently that have lead me to seek that kind of intercession and I have benefitted greatly from it. It's something that many evangelicals don't practice, but I think it's useful. (If you want me to ask around for someone, I'd be happy to.)
sls
i hear you, as well, brooke. since moving back to the south, i really miss what i found in california. i went to this service that was quiet, non-program driven, free to ask/seek/explore, discussion-oriented, body prayer, more liberal, etc. and i miss it. i don't seem to fit anywhere here, it seems...but somehow i knew that when moving back was on the table. it was anglican as well...
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