having a morning.

Married language is a strange and beautiful thing. Somewhere along the way, josh and I coined the phrase "having a morning"- which translates into, being alone, reading a book, having some coffee- in general, peace and quiet.

well, I was on the edge last thursday. I had a difficult week at work. I am not saying this to sound like a superhero, but being a part of a surgical team that routinely saves lives is more stress than I want in a day- most days. It has its rewards, but many days I feel the death of my own plans, my own comfort, my own life- and I think, I am done.

my dear friend cassia, and I do mean dear, says we are on a sinking pirate ship. we laugh, because you have to. but even that seems hard sometimes.

and then grace comes. (or your boss goes away for 4 days). I have lived on my porch swing for three days now. I have been reading, and being quiet, having a perpetual morning. It's been a long time since I have been able to be quiet. to actually have a coherent thought. to utter wee little prayers. I have been reading Anne Lamott's second memoir...plan b. further thoughts on faith. she says sometimes the only prayer you have is "help me. help me. save me. save me." my prayers were something like that.


I have also been reading a memoir by scott cairn and his various pilgramages to mt athos- the holy mountain. he says we pray- to glimpse a reality that is already true. I often think of prayer as begging God to change something or give me something- maybe God does those things on his own accord- but prayer allows us to "see" the reality that already is. that sounds wierd, i think, but I am working through this stuff- so forgive the progress.

here are some quotes from the reading. some things I have been chewing on.

To those who have seen The Child, however dimly, however incredulously, The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.... w.h. auden

time and showing up, turn most messes to compost, and something surprising may grow...anne lamott

rule 1: when all else fails, follow instructions
rule 2: don't be an asshole... anne lamott

forgiveness means that it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. you're done. it doesn't necessarily mean you want to have lunch with the person.. .
anne lamott

even the long and difficult path to a life of prayer is understood to be a means of glimpsing, taking part in, living into a reality that- thank God- is already so.- Scott Cairns