I have this problem with letting certain people or influences, much of the time people I hardly know, get the final word. I start thinking about the world, or my church, or how I relate to my friends based on the loudest voice in the room. I have gotten so lost in the loud voices, that I have lost my own.
This weekend, I reluctantly went to our women's retreat for this very reason. I had come to this place where I was not sure if I could make a home at this church. I had so much fear about every person I met. I had translated the louder voices onto every person I was meeting- assuming, they were demanding the same things. I know that I am being vague, and I promise I am not speaking about one person- this is more or less a collective voice or presence that I just have not been able to shake. The voices that condemned me actually wanting to know God. know Peace. fight against my own brokenness. perhaps talk about what my repentance looks like. that maybe the way I talk, or live my life might actually have something to do with what's going on inside me. That maybe- God forbid- I, we, you might be wrong about something. The voices that suggested that even talking about the way we might abuse language, or alcohol, or friendships was wrong, or judgmental. The voices that suggested that it was weak to want more, arrogant or "legalistic" to not be ok with leaning on my sins for comfort. Call me crazy- but I just want more.
This weekend, I felt like I was breathing oxygen for the first time in two years. I heard kind voices. Voices that long for so many of the things that I long for. I felt kindness, and willingness to lay down our arms, and fear. It didn't feel like some battle I had to survive. I felt like I had a voice again, the one God gave me. And the beautiful thing is that circumstances in my life are not any different. I am still in a difficult place, I can be honest about that. I can even be mad about it- but I am really. tired. of being scared of the lies. The lie that says I am unreasonable person because I just want to live my life in an honorable way.
The bleak winter (that has been my heart)- is beginning to thaw. and that's good.
7 comments :
I like your voice and your posts... Thanks for writing more lately. And thanks for words of hope.
Brooksie! Your rawness is a blessing. I am so sure that people long for this sort of rawness, but run from the danger making their longings known, or even the danger of longing?? You are leading with limp! Know that many more are reading than those who comment and that your longings are a beacon for others to use in assessing their own hearts and desires. I pray that you find all that you are looking for!
brookie, i know i don't comment often, but it does my own heart good to read your blog and "hear" your voice. i love you and think of you often!
amen. i feel like hope is overtaking our church, and it makes me want to dance. thanks for sharing.
Sara, we should dance.
I'm glad for the thaw too. I can feel it. And the oxygen of hope. I'm breathing deep.
I loved your post. Thanks for sharing who you are and not being afraid of.
We love you!
I am so encouraged to hear this, Brooke. For you. For the church. For those in your community. You inspire others, and your desires are an encouragement. Thanks for sharing your heart so often.
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