20 weeks

I am growing. Wish I were like those cute Gap pregnant models:) Oh well, it takes all kinds, right?

Here we go. 20 weeks....

new, weird things.

So, I struggle with how much to share here sometimes. I share, because it makes me feel better- and I genuinely feel like we are not alone in our struggles- and things I read help me in all kind of ways. anyway....

So Tulsa, and particularly my new job has been causing me a good deal of anxiety. ok, really its my new job. the one I have been at for all of two days.

I hate being the new person. The person who doesn't know how to find the bathroom, much less the operating room. I want the double doors to open, and there to be smiling faces all around me- but you know, people are just doing their jobs, and I am one of a million new faces- and well, I just don't matter THAT much. 

I am also a do gooder- and I was ready to be trained two weeks ago. I don't like not knowing things, feeling  uncertain of my place, not knowing how it will all work out. I don't like that at all.

And on top of that, my whole world will be changing in a few months. Every time I go THERE, I just feel like I am about to unravel. How can I take on so many new things? 

And what I really want, deep deep down, is to be home. to do my photography. but that takes time, too- and I am obviously not there yet.

So, I stew. I wonder. I look to Josh and he tells me hang in there, we'll get a plan. I look to Jesus, to help me not fear the world.

josh and jesus. what a combo.

work

Well, I got my feet wet at work this week. It was mostly paperwork and tests- the usual nursing requirements. I finally made it out to the O.R. yesterday, but I was so spent, I just felt overwhelmed. So, the jury is still out. I honestly think it would be fine if I just felt better. Gosh, I know I keep going on and on, oh and ON about this, but it really is testing me in gigantic ways.

It makes work feel a lot more daunting. It makes waking up feel daunting. 

I am so glad Josh is still off for the Summer right now. He is able to take over when I need him to, and that happens to be a lot these days. He made some killer red beans and rice last nite. The real, authentic kind- and he pulled it off in less than 3 hours. It was really good.

Well, here's to Thursday. hope yall have a good one.

what a night. (it has a good ending)

Last night I had my first girls night out here in Tulsa. My cousin-in-law invited me out to a movie and dinner with several women. It was fun and great to be around the ladies. Unfortunately, somewhere between after the movie and before the Mexican, I started feeling like the world was caving in. My head was hurting, and the whole pregnancy nausea started to creep in. I hung in there and tried to have good conversation. Everyone was gracious. I was mad. I just wanted to feel better and enjoy myself. sigh.

Well, as dinner concluded, I was feeling the end coming. I FLEW home, ran in the house, hugged the toilet off and on for 15 minutes until I felt like the drama was over. My body felt completely depleted. Josh got me into bed, after I managed to get down a zofran and two tylenol. He warmed up my "sock"- this is the only thing that sooths a pounding head. (a sock with rice in it, heated in the microwave. it's a life saver). 

So, as I was laying there just begging my mind to relax enough to fall asleep, what do you know. thug. A nice whopping thug. It was the baby, it's first good kick.

I have been feeling some subtle movements this week, but this was the real deal, and I was like seriously, right now, when I feel like I am going to die, me and this baby are going to have a "moment"? I smiled the best I could, and put my hand over it's little body and said softly, let's sleep. we did.

what a night.