first day

josh went back to school, and so far Annie and I have survived with a little help from our friends.

went to the park this morning and ran into some friends, which always helps in the getting your child exhausted category.

A.M. bath because somebody likes to play with all the wood chips in said playground.

snack, some quiet time in the pack-n-play, and then 2 hour nap. FOR BOTH OF US!

an afternoon trip to the grocery for fruit, fixins for tacos, and coke. because the nausea was setting in and for some reason, just like with Annie, coke is one of the only things that stays down. Diet doesn't. in case you wondered. I tried it already.

the heat was so ridiculous, I barely made it the .5 mile home.

but I did.

We cranked up some tunes and played on the floor.

then the nausea really came on and Dora came to my rescue.

and now I am staring at the clock hoping some handsome young man walks through the front door. soon.

you will thank me for the parts of this day that I left out. Trying to not make this a diary of my upchucks.

the moral of the story. we almost made it. small victories. but victories indeed.

I should say thank you

to josh.

who takes his vows seriously, even though I know how hard that must be some days.
especially lately, when each day is a mystery as to how I might feel.
even now, he is at church with Annie, as I spent the wee hours dry heaving into that beautiful porcelain goddess.
I even tried to get Annie up this morning, let him sleep some, but I barely got her into the highchair until it all started again, into a not so aromatic trashcan.
Annie spent the remainder of the morning, so I am told, spitting on the floor. they apparently copy everything.

I am finally up. The house is quiet. Pandora plays.

and I am drinking a Dr. Pepper. with sugar. because desperate times....

relief.

For some reasons beyond any hope I could have mustered up, the sickness and fatigue seem to have lifted. It's not ALL gone, but I was out of bed ALL day today, and even cleaned the kitchen. The fog of the past 5 weeks has been so depleting, and I just feel so thankful that I am rounding some kind of corner.

We got to see baby jared #2 this past Friday. Dr. B couldn't find the heartbeat, so we got to have another ultrasound. Baby #2 was WILD doing kinds of karate moves and acrobatics. I was really happy to see just an active little soul.

I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how hard this having babies, raising toddlers phase of life is. I am sure there are folks out there who do this with more ease and natural ability. I find it to be humbling work.

On another note, I just watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition and cried throughout the entire thing. I find these people's stories so inspiring. Perspective is good.

Well, I am off to sleep. yeah, it's 8pm.

cravings

It's 10:3o in the morning, and my little one is being carried to her sweet grandmother's for a few days, so we can work, catch up, work some more. I should be sleeping, but kissing her little bald head before she left woke me up, and I find myself stirring, along with my stomach.

such is life these days.

I have been really craving- not food- but space. Peaceful, uninterrupted, nature filled space. But then I think about getting to such a place, packing, cars, airplanes, planning- and my mind gets cluttered, and I pause, and think, there must be something else I want more. getting there is just too hard.

and I then I think, most things worth getting to, are hard. take work, sacrifice.

And when I am honest, I think what I am craving is escape.

I can't be in a kayak on a peaceful morning in the gulf. but I want to be. I want the weight lifted off. I want the burdens gone. I want the nausea to goes its merry way. I want to feel like me for one split second. I want to feel like me for one split second in a heavenly place.

Ironically, what is coming, is more beautiful, hard work. Another mouth to feed, to love and nourish. My heart aches at where the strength will come from. But it will come. Love gives in that way. It pours out from the heavens like manna. like mystery. like a gift.

I won't always feel this way. This on empty, get me out of here so I can breathe again, feeling. The nausea and long days will pass, and they will be very distant memories soon enough. Sure, I'll have these feelings again. And, hopefully I'll be lucky enough to escape a time or two.