84 things

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


inspired by jorja over here:

1. the older I get, the less I care about being right.
2. I have listened to sad, melancholy music all of my life.
3. I secretly like chick lit.
4. I openly like romantic comedies.
5. I love independent film.
6. St. Louis feels like the place I became me. It was beautiful and hard. really hard.
7. Tulsa feels like the place I fight to be me.
8. Birmingham feels like home.
9. Macon feels like childhood, one I am fond of.
10. I love to swim.
11. I am not organized at all.
12. I long to be organized.
13. I prefer cozy over bright sunlit rooms.
14. My husband thinks I am a vampire.
15. I sometimes wonder if I am beyond God's mercy.
16. I sometimes am utterly sure of God's love.
17. Structure makes me crazy.
18. I typically do better with structure, even though I inwardly rebel.
19. I usually buy at least 2 of something if I like it.
20. I don't like to be bothered when I shop.
21. In my ideal world, I would live on the coast.
22. In my ideal world, I would be anglican.
23. being pregnant makes me sick. really sick.
24. this will be my last baby.
25. my daughter will probably be bald the rest of her life, and I have yet to really come to terms with that.
25. I hate the fall and all of its curses.
26. however, I love the season of Fall, and wish it were here right now.
27. I could live in a commune- with reasonable boundaries.
28. I am more liberal than conservative. see #1.
29. I mostly think people have enough crap in there own lives, that beyond love, folks should generally mind there own business.
30. I have learned #29 the hard way, on numerous occasions.
31. I don't really like museums, but want people to think that I do.
32. I love coffee, but not right now.
33. I am utterly thankful to have some of the most beautiful friends, all over the country.
34. I wish they would move here.
35. I don't know why they would.
36. I do not use coupons, even though I probably should.
37. I really need a vacation. like a real one.
38. I'll choose hanging out just about over anything.
39. I love christmas lights.
40. and hamburgers.
42. I usually wear one pair of earrings until I lose one of them. then I buy a new pair.
43. I pay too much to get my hair cut.
44. I am starting to understand what people meant when they said to enjoy being single.
45. I love my life, my husband, and my baby (ies). but life is full and hard on most days. see #37.
46. I have a job that I actually like.
47. I used to write a lot of bad poetry.
48. I have lost a dear high school friend in a major commercial airplane crash. There were no survivors.
49. I have learned that gut feelings are usually right.
50. I often wash colors and whites together.
51. I am not very particular (See#50)
52. I secretly love office supplies, though I have never worked in an office.
53. I love the smell of new books.
54. I love technology.
55. I want an Ipad AND a kindle.
56. my level of wants often makes me feel like #15.
57. I value honesty.
58. Rules make me weary.
59. I believe wholeheartedly in living a sacramental life.
60. I am still trying to figure out what that means.
61. I think pastors should talk less in worship.
62. I am a cynic when it comes to politics.
63. I think sarah palin is a joke.
64. I go to bed early.
65. I rise early.
66. I like long walks.
67. sometimes I am scared what the day will bring.
68. my 2nd child is due feb 21
69. I love my grandmother.
70. I went to seminary but did not graduate.
71. I am pretty sure I will regret that.
72. I love food.
73. I should probably eat less of it.
74. I don't wear high heels. ever.
75. I might if I were skinnier.
76. I am sporty, but not outdoorsy.
77. my husband has made this distinction based on the fact that I do not know how to identify a flea.
78. I could have been a decent athlete with some discipline and coaching.
79. but not a runner.
80. crowds annoy me.
81. small talk annoys me more.
82. I love memoirs.
83. I am almost done with this list.
84. I just made pizza dough.

the long haul

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I feel like I am slowly getting my mind around this pregnancy and trying to set myself up for a more positive experience this go round. So far, it feels like a long shot, but one can hope.

Because it's still Summer, and my sweet Josh is home, I am super lucky to take things at my own pace (ahem, which is more like no pace)- but that time is coming to an end shortly and like it or not, I need goals. hope.

This is hard when nothing stays in your esophagus very long. yes, people, alot of my food rarely makes it to its desired home. This is part of my ongoing battle with horrible pregnancies.

nothing. goes. down.

It's like my throat becomes the size of a straw. It's weird.

anyway, we saw little baby jared numero 2 this week. Heart rate was beating fast at 179. I am still timid as the weeks are early, but it was nice to see the little one in there. Something to see and hope on when the days feel so long and without relief.

So, as I realize this may be a reality for me for the next 7 months, the necessary decisions are making there way to the forefront.

I heard elizabeth gilbert of eat, pray, love say she wanted a "bigger, smaller, life".

I am there. less is more. it's just so hard to do.

So- on July 30, I shoot my last wedding.

my last, blazing hot, Summer wedding. This will be my 6th this Summer- which although this money has been nice, it really did steal my Summer away in many ways.

I feel relieved. elated.

I am sure I will still do my portrait sessions here and there. I enjoy them, and I have made many friends and connections with them- but it's on my terms now. When I want to do them. If I want to.

It's my bigger, smaller life.

Needless to say. I am eager for Fall. Eager for the first trimester to be over. Eager for relief from this crazy schedule of mine.

stay tuned....

settling in

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

we've been lazy here this week.

getting over the shock of travel. man, we were beat down.

My body has seemed to settle down today. After an unfortunate wake up call to the porcelain god, one zofran, one zantac later, I feel much better. almost human.

this, oddly, makes me hopeful.

my doctor's appt. got postponed until tomorrow. This whole pregnancy is so odd, I mean to not have any of this even confirmed. It's oddly made me less anxious.

I was able to free up enough space in my mind to read an entire page of a book today. I feel my heart longing for refreshment and rebirth- and yet this sluggishness and exhaustion that has taken over me, makes it seem impossible to have any kind of thought, much less a new, refreshing one.

I also feel this overwhelming sense that I am falling short with Annie. She so deserves my time and attention, and yet I find the task to be overwhelming sometimes. The Summer heat doesn't help. I long for Fall and Spring. Where the outdoors welcome us more sweetly.

Annie is 1 year and 1/2? When did this happen? She is starting to really talk a lot. Saying all kinds of phrases. Some are not easily translatable, but they are cute none the less. My current favorite is "all done!", wherein she uses the classic "talk to the hand" maneuver. It's hilarious. She is very theatrical, that girl.

gotta go.

I should get this down.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

to remind myself that I am not super human.
that traveling a week and a half with a small child will all but kill you.
that traveling after your busiest work month is not restful, but just might drive you to insanity.
that seeing family is totally worth it, but may want to rethink the next trip, and by that, I mean hire a nanny.(yeah, right)
to remind myself that it won't always be this hard. I won't always feel this bad.

so, we're home. we're tired. I have a ton to get done this week, but all I really want to do is sleep. for days.

Annie had a rough go of it this trip. She's just not a traveler. at least not yet.

I was sick the whole time. Looks like this pregnancy is going to keep me humble. need prayers.

and on a side, but highly more important, note... on our last night in Georgia, my cousin was in a very bad car accident. He is holding his own, but has significant injuries. We are all sick with sorrow and praying constantly for him and my family.

Well, thankfully my child is sleeping. and I am not far behind her.

missed you folks. I'll be back soon.
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