another saturday morning; more confessions

well, for all my complaining, I have a had a nice couple of weeks. Work has been slower (which is positive in the heart surgery business). The weather has been lovely. I have been reading good books. When I can manage some perspective, I am doing pretty darn good.

I read a letter yesterday from a friend who works for MedAir in Africa. This woman is amazing, the things she sacrifices on a daily basis. The things the SEES on a daily basis. She rides in single engine airplanes and lands on muddy rocks, all to deliver help, food, medical supplies, hope. She faces death almost everyday, in one way or another. I always have this sense of awe and guilt when I read her letters. Awe- that she has chosen to live her life in this way. Serving the people who can't fight for themselves. guilt- all the wars I have in my head and in heart without ever being willing to just DO what I say is true. I fight for myself most, if not all of the time.

she writes, " Listening to music under my ear mufflers, sitting back pondering the work I do, trying to process all the difficult images and stories that come my way. It is all so horrific and often at the same time so majestic and beautiful, so exciting and inspiring, so frustrating and chaotic, that I honestly don’t know where to start in describing it all to you."- anne


I'll be honest, alot of days I feel like I am on a first class seat going straight to you know where. It's a difficult thing to believe that God can love so many kinds of people- let alone, me. I really don't deserve that kind of love. I suppose most of us feel that way- which is why we hang on to being right, things, pride, beauty, friends. I hold the death grip on all of these things, most days.

well, the coffee cup is almost dry. summer is here. my new website will be up NEXT week. I start fertility treatments this month which will prove to be a real treat, I am sure. I am reading three books at the same time, right now, which is also aiding my craziness and rapid thought sequences. oh- and josh and I are starting "8 weeks of healthy living". this year has left us feeling like big, giant marshmellows. day 1 starts today. I wouldn't be surprised if they had to carry us out of the gym on stretchers.

happy holiday weekend...

***we made it through the workout. day one, check! I swam for the last part of my workout and now have no feeling in my arms. here's to health! whoo hoo!

do you ever have days...

that hold all the promise in the world, and then it just all goes to hell because the kinko lady won't help you with the fax machine, and then you are rude to someone you shouldn't be- it's like in a matter of moments, like not even a second, one can lose the will to live. I don't know why somedays it feels like the seams won't hold anything. I wish I knew, or understood. Lately, my patience has been lacking in so many areas. too many questions at the church meeting. too many phone calls from work. too much dog hair. too much laundry. too many doctors visits.- but then tommorrow shows up, and the despair is lifted, and you feel like you can handle this little blue planet. i like those days.

really boring things we did this weekend

these are all the boring things we did this weekend.

1. cleaned out our office, so we could have an office.
2. spent the rest of our christmas money on a Dyson vacuum cleaner (God, help us.)
3. vacuumed our house.


one funny thing. watched alot of these.

three years

three years ago, today, i married the quiet, wise, hysterical joshua jared. we had planned to go out for dinner- but after a long day, we ordered indian take-out, which is a nice thing to do, and one of the many reasons I married the josh.