it's saturday

a lovely morning out here on the porch swing. it looks like rain, which is nice. we need some rain. I had my second surgery in 6 weeks yesterday. This was much smoother. I mostly slept and watched the rest of season 2 of the OC. Season 2 was a bit shady, darker, more sad. Also, is anyone watching LOST out there? What in the world is going on with THAT show?

I did alot of internet perusing yesterday and happened upon this blog. It's a girly type blog with loads of crafty/design ideas. She is pretty cool, and not tooo mom-ish- if you are into those type of blogs you know what I mean. Some women engage in a level of domesticity that is overwhelming to me and a little over the top. I am not a mom yet, but I know myself well enough to know that my kids will not always have organic bla bla bla for snacks, and three art projects a day, and home-made toys. I also don't think I will shop at four different stores finding the best deals on tooth paste. My kids will be "well rounded"...which means, they will occasionally eat hot dogs, watch videos and eat ice cream.

I think that covers my incredibly lazy day of recovery. I plan to get outside today, clear my head, and eat something organic- because I represent the the kind of woman who loves WHOLE FOODs and MILOS.

so there.

****addendum: For the record, I prefer organic snacks, like home-made toys, and am always up for a bargain, even on toothpaste. I just can't be that GOOD all the TIME. that's all, in case I offended anyone:)

for a fews hours, all was right in the world

last saturday was beautiful here. i mean, soul-cleansing beautiful. at some point I looked at josh and said, I am so happy today. he said, "me, too"...and we were both like, "huh..."

so the day continued in flower planting and haning our PORCH swing- which has been utter delight for an entire week now. it felt so good to be outside, hands in dirt.

the night before we went to a party for some friends who were getting married. we laid on hammocks and drank japanese beer and ate sushi and laughed. there was some peace, shalom.

I know one day this season of life will make more sense. This season, where there were more questions than answers. when the brick wall bruised me one to many times. when prayers were scant. frustrations high. I think God gave josh and I a break from it all last weekend. He gave us peace for a fleeting moment. It makes us brave for the next thing- because there is always a next thing.

i used to think I had alot of answers. i used to think there were very particular ways to act, communicate, that believing in Jesus looked a certain way. I am pretty sure I thought I was better than most people. I am sorry for that.

this year has changed me, and if took this year, this hell of a year...then, I am thankful. I think i love people better now. I am on the slow road to redemption, too.

redemption

it took me 3 years at seminary to figure out that God has come to redeem ALL of creation, "as far as the curse is found". Well, our little house was broken little place. It still is, but it's being made beautiful, one bit at a time.

saturday morning

another long week at the jared household. it is quite the journey josh and i are on. sometimes i feel like we are in the middle of a very steep climb up a very tall mountain. you know, the kind of pain you experience where all you can do is think about is the next step, or maybe if i just threw up it would feel better, the kind of pain where you forget you are actually climbing this mountain with SOMEBODY- that's too much to take in. in the moment, it's me and the hill- and my occasional thought of- it would feel better just to quit.

and then I have a saturday morning, where I pick up a book that josh is reading which, by the way, is REALLY GOOD, and I realize I have this person in my life, this mysterious person who is my husband, walking up this same gigantic hill- and well, I just realize, I am not alone.

josh has been harping all year on how gnostic we are. "we", as in christian "we". we pay little attention to the connection of physical and spiritual. despite that our whole faith rests on a God- MAN, we toss our bodies aside and assume its the interior life only that matters to God.

I am slowly getting this. I am getting the connections between the physical me and the spiritual me. when I kneel to pray, there is something inside me that kneels. when i throw my fist in the air to God, my heart curses, too. when my body fails me, my spirit is wounded.

I am feeling this more than ever these days. I have been so healthy my whole life. I hardly EVER get sick. My body has just mostly done what its supposed to do. textbook. until now. I join the chorus of sarai and hannah and rachel and elizabeth. I cry drunken prayers.

I probably have been gnostic most of my life- but when life breaks down and wombs are closed, something awakens, a connection is realized. I don't know the mystery here. I don't understand it- but it's there, and I find it hopeful and quite beautiful.

*****

a less poetic update.... I had another test this week that showed one blocked fallopian tube. aside from the fact that the test hurt like HELL, this was GOOD news. Josh and I have a consulation with a fertility specialist in one week. For the non-medical types out there, ovaries basically alternate every month releasing an egg, so if you only have one good tube, then your chances are already cut in half. Also, I learned this week, that most women have a dominant "follicle"- which more or less means that one ovary does most of the egg releasing. If the dominant "follicle" is on the side with the bad tube- well, getting pregnant is even more difficult. The good news is that fertility meds can help with this and hopefully we are nearing the end of a very long year. We are really thankful to have the information we have, and we more or less know what the issue is- now we just need some help.