i think a lot about how we get from here to there. or from there to here. you get my drift.
I think a lot about this in regards to this new path we are on.
Over 7 years ago, I went to seminary. A presbyterian one. A place I learned very much. I went to a church in St. Louis that forever changed me. I have a deep love for that community. I literally dream about it sometimes, like encountering an old friend in a dream. I had a friend die in a plane crash when I was in college. Sometimes she visits me in dreams. I see her by the broccoli in the grocery store. I see her curly hair and try to figure out how she got there. I throw reason out the window and enjoy her presence. I don't understand it, but I welcome it. the mystery of it. her smile.
I think about Grace and Peace that way. I think, if we were THERE, would we be doing this? If we were anywhere else, would we be doing this? but this is a game one cannot play for too long, because, alas, we are not there. or anywhere else. we are here. living this life. this present life.
I don't know how to exist any other way.
And so here, in this place, we have hit dead ends. Places where our hearts were starving for spiritual food, and all we could find were crumbs. It's hard to even write those words- because I feel like this was more as a result of the condition of my own heart. I don't want to point fingers. Blame someone or something for my own malnourishment. But it is what it is, and I can nothing but move forward. Find a way. Feed myself.
But of course, I cannot feed myself from my own plate. It must come elsewhere, and so I sit at a stranger's table. It has potential to feel lonely. But they keep bringing me nourishment, and I feel full.
grateful.
3 comments :
brooke, seriously. i love all your posts about this process. kevin and i were just talking about the "there to here" last night. we decided when people ask what he was doing in florida, he should say, "I was on the long arc to bookbinding." because that's true, and that's way more meaningful than telling people his thousands of little jobs. in the same way, you've been the same, on a long arc to where you are now, or perhaps to where you will be. it's exciting.
in a similar way, we're feeling nourished in our little anglican church. i think of y'all every time we're there, and half expect to see you in a pew. :)
love you!
Brooke, thanks for sharing your "in-process" thoughts. I think it's difficult for all of us to look at places in our lives where we never saw ourselves being. As I'm reading your posts, I'm picking up elements of surprise at the path the Lord is taking you. I can think of so many areas in my life where I think, "I never thought we'd be HERE. I never thought I'd be like THOSE people." The Lord's providence is mysterious. All that to say-- hang in there-- I think those are natural feelings to have and thankfully He is carrying you and giving you nourishment in unexpected places.
"Places where our hearts were starving for spiritual food, and all we could find were crumbs. It's hard to even write those words- because I feel like this was more as a result of the condition of my own heart. I don't want to point fingers. Blame someone or something for my own malnourishment." Oh, I've been in that place a long time. I'm just emerging from it, really. And it does take that realization--that I can't blame circumstances or people--to really begin to grow again. Love your transparency.
Post a Comment