thirties

my thirties have been a rite of passage.

my twenties, were just a more mature (ever so slightly) version of my teenage years. future oriented. self absorbed. wide-eyed. unafraid. longing for love and romance. ideals. fighting for some idealistic version of the truth. it was mystery and wondering and hoping and I am going to be so different than everyone else. uber sincere. authentic. perhaps even an urban hippy.

I am now 34 and I eat frozen waffles everyday for breakfast.

I drive a volvo.

and my child sits in a European car seat.

I shop for groceries at a big box store.

and the flea market kind of stresses me out with the crowds and the 30 different venders trying to sell me lettuce.

I live in a midtown suburb, and I seriously contemplate getting a yard man.

I read new york time best sellers.

I work the night shift for crying out loud.

I am unsure of current events and even more unsure of anything political.

I go to church in a very ugly building and have become increasingly unsure of what it is we are really doing.

I still have faith, I am just less dogmatic about it all.

but perhaps the rite of passage lies more in the transition of a me - centered universe to something else. a universe where people live. my child lives. a universe where it's not just about what I hope and long for, but what I actually do day in and day out. What kind of place and world I create for my child and family to live and grow. the kind of place where my child plays in a pot of dirt for an hour in sheer bliss. a place where that matters. a place where I can breathe a deep sigh of relief that there will be a feast day. hopefully many. when I will drink from the well of deep, life giving friendships. I glimpse it now, but will truly experience when all things are made new.

this makes today better. it makes all the dreams of my 20's ok in the humdrum minutia of my thirties.

I am convinced that no matter how banal some of my days feel- that these are some of the most important. I collapse from exhaustion at the end of my days. such are the days of a world where I no longer rule the roost.

I still secretly wish of being all that I dream about. I try. sometimes I do what is easy. I glimpse a bit of heaven and long for it. I glimpse my 20's every now and then and long for that, too.

but I am here. 34.

I just got my hair colored, but haven't brushed my teeth.

I'll probably let my child watch too much tv today, and I may buy something unnecessarily from China.

I'll have to forgive myself a million times today. and I'll hopefully utter one prayer.

and at the end of day I will hopefully say. this is good. this is really good.