making choices

I have seen enough in the past three years to be done with church and christians and christian schools. I have also seen enough to never be as foolish as to walk away from it all. How is this even possible? It just seems to be the case.

One day, I 'll be able to elaborate on part of this story. One day, when it's safe. It's not safe yet, so you won't be reading about it here, anytime soon. But I hope it will be told in a way that shares how deeply disappointed I was, and how Jesus found a way. It would be tragic, to be told any other way- because it would mean that I did walk away and let broken human beings and situations get the final word.

I am still in the disappointed place. And it's not one thing. There are lots of elements to this story- and many of which I have shared here. many of which I have not.

What I am leaning on is God's word and the people He keeps putting around me. They are signposts on this very frustrating trek through what most of the time feels utterly ridiculous. There are wooden posts with little etchings that say "keep going. you're not lost. It's just a really lonely part of the woods".

Did anyone see that movie "children of men". That movie was really overwhelming to me on a number of levels, but one part of the movie I really liked was that there was mostly chaos, death and disaster the entire film, but you would have the moments of serenity, with the main characters in someone's home, listening to music, and drinking tea. There was this LIFE there, and you wanted to reach into the screen and grab it, because you knew the bad stuff was coming again.

Anyway, I kind of feel like that movie, jumping from difficult thing to difficult thing- but there has been rest and hope in between. I cling to life where I find it, and in the dark I ask God, like those beautiful Psalms- how long will you hide your face from me?

It's so hard to know what you must walk through and what you must escape. What is just hard and what is toxic and needs to be run away from?

Sometimes you just have to climb up a rocky hill to see any beauty. And sometimes, there is something in the woods that will kill you, and you best move in another direction.

trying to figure out which is which is where I am.

Thankfully, (and I mean this deeply), I have a dear husband, and friends, and a place to lay my head. I have seen enough, to know this is no small gift.