38 weeks (almost)

Here's to two more weeks. PLEASE.

thankful

One thing I have not been so great at in the last months is gratitude. I have been fairly self consumed, ever so needy, and tired- on all fronts. This is has been a hard season. I can hear the laughs- all the way from Tulsa. The laughs- saying, Brooke, you have no idea.

And perhaps I don't. Just like I don't really understand how much I will love Annie. That's grace, I think- that we can't wrap our minds around how difficult something would be, or how beautiful something might be until we are right smack dab in the middle of it.

If I had known before we ever wanted a family, that it would take almost three years, and then my pregnancy would totally wipe me out to boot. I would never have made it. But I did, we did- because of grace- and though I would not have chosen this path- it was the path we were lead on, and it, like all journeys, has changed me- in ways, I certainly cannot articulate yet.

So, though this will be a quiet Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the quiet to remember what led us here.

I am thankful that after what seems like forever, we are going to be holding a little girl in our arms very soon. I am thankful for the softness this has brought to my heart already, the tears that flow so much easier than they have in years. I am thankful for the friends who traveled to see me, for family who have done the same. I am thankful for the job I had here waiting for me-even though it challenged me. I am thankful that the hard work is letting me be home right now, and resting, and waiting. I am thankful for Annie's kicks and thugs- her ability to always let me know she is HERE with us. I am thankful for Josh- who has had to carry such a heavy load. For his cooking and cleaning and tireless love. 

So, yes- I am thankful. Those words are not always easy, and sometimes hard to find- but they are there, and I feel them beneath all the struggle.

Happy Thanksgiving.

quiet spell

Sorry I haven't written very much lately. I kind of feel like a broken record these days:) I feel like things are gearing up for this baby. I don't know if it's intuition or wishful thinking-- The bionic nose from my first trimester has returned. I smell the weirdest things and am turned off very easily. Two weeks ago, I ate three barbeque sandwiches in a week. You could not make me eat one right now. All I want are those first trimester comfort foods. Warm, soft, bland. 

I am still feeling pretty mediocre- but nothing like the drama we had a couple of weeks ago. My ankles seem to have returned to a semi-normal state, so I can at least wear shoes again:) 

Other than that- it's COLD here. Josh is off for Thanksgiving break, so I have someone to help me pass the time. We might actually leave the house today! how exciting....

yall have a good weekend....

good hours and bad hours

I was weepy most of the day yesterday. I am just so tired of feeling bad- I feel like I have little strength to actually HAVE this baby, which is really difficult. I thought I had turned a corner the other day, and I suppose I turned a small one- but I am still feeling mostly bad, praying for relief, praying my doctor will have mercy on me and let me have this baby a little earlier (as is safe). I did not want it to be this way.

So, if you pray- pray that I will be able to eat a little bit more. My appetite is really poor this week- ever since the hospital drama, and I know the baby needs some food. I am just having a hard time eating anything at all- true appetite suppression.

Also pray that I can come off these pain meds. I am down to 3 or 4/ per 24 hours- which is better than 10-16, which I did for a couple of days. But, they make you feel comfortable and ill all at the same time- plus, they just can't be good for little Annie, so that worries me the most.

My mom is here until tomorrow, which has been so great. I really don't know how we would have made it.

Sooo, pray for a Thanksgiving baby. I am.