Fall, please.

I ventured out today to do some grocery shopping, and bought my favorite fall herbal tea- Tazo's Wild Sweet Orange. I am SO ready for FALL.

Today is one of those hazy, hot days in Tulsa. It kind of irritated me, and I resonate with every woman who has had to endure a pregnancy in the Summer. If I can help it- that will not happen again:)

So, as I was doing my weekly exploring, I rounded a certain corner- and what do you know. A new Whole Foods. So, I ventured in, bought some new reusable bags, and some Fall tea. I also had a good laugh as I was checking out- on the little payment screen where you swipe your card, it asked "credit card" or "food stamps". I thought those were funny options- because the only way one can afford to shop there regularly is on credit or gov't assistance. I still like to browse, though. A woman can dream.

rest

I have tried to write this past week, but everything I have written down has seemed so sad and dreary- and well, I tend to be a melancholy, yet hopeful person- but the hope was so hard to find last week, and well, no words seemed true, despite how real it all felt.

With that said- nothing has really changed, but I feel more hopeful today, and I am thankful that my spirits have lifted.


Yesterday, as I was driving around, I was praying to God- and just said, I need something supernatural to happen today. Something to let me know that God was here, with me, in Tulsa. I learned this from Anne Lamott, who has these amazing stories about these kind of things, and I just felt like- I want to believe that, too, so I prayed, and asked- for something. I didn't really care what, I just needed something.

Last evening, I received two emails from two dear friends. One, telling me that she was planning a trip with another friend to see me this Fall, and the other sending her thoughts and prayers my way.

I really do have the best friends.

So, that's that. I also worked with a very rude surgeon today and it somehow did not break my spirit. He was such an ass, and I mean that in the kindest way, and it was nothing short of the grace of God that I did not break down crying- which he would have loved, I have a feeling. I also decided today to work an extra day a week, which is also totally bizarre and contrary to the way I have been feeling- but I think keeping busy is helpful- work is good, even if its hard work.

In other news- This Friday, I will be 25 weeks. 15 weeks to go- that just sounds insane! Annie kicks a lot, stronger and stronger- and she must still have a good bit of room in there, as I feel her all over the place.

That's all, folks. Some of my family arrives this weekend- can't wait. Lots of laughs and comfort are on there way.

a few times a year...

The bottom falls out, and the tears come- off and on- all day long, like a good soaking rain. This happened Sunday. After a rather difficult church visitation, I just lost it. Lost it in the car on the way home. Cried at lunch while eating a hamburger. Came home, took a bath, and cried some more. I would get better, and then they would just keep falling.

They were falling for all the people I had left. For the life I don't understand yet, here in Tulsa. For a job that feels difficult. For a baby that I love, and yet makes me feel so ill so much of the time, that I am weary. For friends that don't really exist here, yet. For the plans that we don't have for childbirth classes and a pediatrician or a baby sitter for when I'll have to go back to work. They fell for all these reasons and more, and for the first time in a long time, I was questioning so many things, a tad angry, even.

Well, the days since have brought perspective, but there is still that uneasiness lingering. The burden of so much unknown, and the longing to just be less homesick- and not just for a place, but that deep restless homesickness that is so much of a reality in this life.

I was cheered up a great deal last nite, as I watched this little munchkin take her first steps. I love this little girl- and I get to see her a little over a week. Can't wait!!!!

peace and quiet

Whew- I opened a can of worms on that last post, huh? At any rate, it's conversation I have avoided for a long time, and I think the moral of the story is that we have choices, and that is a beautiful thing.

And for the record, I woke up with the worst back spasm of my life last nite, and the first thing that came to my mind was- well, that about seals the deal for me on the epidural issue. I could barely handle a back spasm.

That's all I am going to say about that for now. I'll let you in know in 17-18 weeks how it all went down:)


So today, I have a long list of things that need to be done, but I am just yearning for some peace and quiet. I have a lot on my mind.

I feel like I am in somewhat of a predicament with my job/career path. Given that I am having a baby in 4 or so months, I am not really in the position to really explore some other options- new directions. At the same time, I am in the nitty gritty phase of learning a new job right now, and my heart just isn't in it. It's only been 3 weeks, but there are days when I seriously just want to be a barista at Starbucks for awhile.

What I want to do is my photography- and that was going so well in Birmingham. I had lots of work, and more work coming. And here, I am just starting and it's a challenge. Google is helping- I am getting a few calls every week- but it just takes time, you know. time. time. time.

So, here's to patience and letting things fall where they may.